While U.S. is Now a Cartoon, Laws of Physics Still Apply, Scientists Say.   Leave a comment

trump-simpsons

DOH!  America is now one long Simpsons episode, experts agree.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.

“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.

“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”

wiley-coyote-gravity-lessons

In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.

Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.

Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:

duck-plane

If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.

 

 

wile-e-coyote-painted-tunnel

If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.

 

bugs-bunny-explosion

If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.

 

 

wolf

No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.

 

 

yosemite-sam

If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.

 

 

peter-pan-shadow

A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.

 

woody-woodpecker-heart

Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.

 

 

wile-e-anvil

If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.

 

 

 

 

yosemite-saws

If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.

 

 

sharp-tack

No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.

 

 

The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.

“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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