Archive for the ‘News parody’ Category

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Five Sports as Thrilling as Hunting Hibernating Bears   Leave a comment

 

bear-hibernating

LIGHTS OUT: This unlucky bear will wake up as someone’s rug.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.

The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.

Animal lovers  have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.

“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”

As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.

“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”

There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:

sloth

Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.

Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.

chimpanzee-chess

 

Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.

Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.

Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Hitler Mustache Making a Comeback   Leave a comment

mustache-hitler-young-better

Model sports novelty Hitler mustache.

By C. Michael Forsyth

With “alt-right” leaders in the White House and the movement growing in popularity, it’s perhaps not surprising that the Hitler moustache is making a comeback. Also known as the toothbrush mustache, the style has been out of fashion for decades due to its association with the mass-murdering Nazi madman, but now it’s being rehabilitated.

“It’s been more than 65 years since World War II ended. The general feeling is that it’s time to put the past behind us,” points out Oscar Huytwill, founder of a male grooming website. “The toothbrush mustache is not only acceptable again, it’s the fastest growing trend since the soul patch. Hip young trendsetters and image-conscious executives alike are sporting what is fast becoming the chic look for 2017.”

charlie-chaplin-mustachehitler-mustacheThe toothbrush moustache was born in the U.S. in the late 19th century and later spread to Germany. Silent film legend Charlie Chaplin was one of its most famous wearers, adopting the style around 1914. Hitler, a huge Chaplin fan, decided to trade in his flowing Kaiser moustache for the look, which the Fuhrer felt would make him appear to the people to be an “everyman,” just like the beloved Little Tramp. Following the despised dictator’s defeat in 1945, the facial hairstyle plummeted from popularity around the world.

Over the years, a handful of celebrities have trotted out the toothbrush mustache, but it’s rarely been well-received. Musician Ron Mael of the rock band Sparks maintained one in the  ’70s and ’80s. In 2010, basketball great Michael Jordan appeared in a Hanes underwear commercial with a Hitler moustache and fans were aghast.

mustache-ron-mael

Ron Mael was one of a handful of stars to pull off the Hitler stache.

mustache-hitler-jordan

Fans were baffled by Michael Jordan’s weird whiskers.

“I don’t know what the hell he was thinking and I don’t know what Hanes was thinking,” his friend, fellow basketball star Charles Barkley said at the time. “I mean it’s just stupid, it’s just bad, plain and simple.” Jordan quickly ditched the look. But now, it’s taking America by storm.

“You don’t have to be a neo-Nazi, white nationalist or alt-right to wear a toothbrush moustache,” Huytwill said. “The fashion statement you’re making is really that you are someone who changes with the times. Just as the caveman beard was emblematic of the Stone Age and the porn stache was iconic in the 1970s, the rebooted Hitler mustache perfectly captures the spirit of 2017.”

mustache-hitler

College professor Brian Ruhe is a fan of the Fuhrer’s trademark look.

mustache-richard-herring

Stand up comedian Richard Herring earns salutes from audiences with his toothbrush mustache.

Chip Bolwren, a 27-year-old, up-and-coming Manhattan marketing exec, says that wearing the postage stamp-shaped whiskers communicates the message that he’s not bound by “old school political correctness,” and is in step with the in crowd.

“I’ve received nothing but compliments from my boss, coworkers and clients,” he revealed. “My girlfriend didn’t like it at first, and that might possibly have something to do with the fact that she’s Jewish, but I know that in time she’ll get used to it.”

mustache-hitler-3

A young man identified as Scott B. posted this dashing pic  on the Internet.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

HOW TO BE A USEFUL IDIOT   Leave a comment

 

mr-bean

Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, is Britain’s favorite half-wit.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You don’t have to be some university egghead who discovers the next “God particle” to make a contribution to society. You can be just as useful as an idiot.

“From time immemorial, fools have played an important role in civilization,” points out sociologist Daniel K. Roelston. “In the Middle Ages, every community had a village idiot, who took townsfolks’ minds off of concerns such as the Black Plague. Kings had court jesters who eased the burden of absolute rule. Examples of this can be found as far back as ancient Egypt and in cultures as remote from the West as the Aztecs.”

Often dressed in colorful and outlandish garb, court fools could use mockery to point out flaws in a monarch’s plan, while advisors might face beheading for such criticism. They could also give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.

jester1“For instance, in 1340, when English ships destroyed the French fleet at the Battle of Sluys, admirals of the French King Phillippe VI didn’t have the nerve to tell him,” reveals Roelston. “But his jester clued in the king with the wisecrack that ‘English sailors don’t even have the guts to jump into the water like our brave French.’”

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was advised by a series of half-wits known as “holy fools” who appeared at court from the countryside in rags. Their “nonsensical” babbling contained warnings of discontent among the peasants.

“I’m sure you remember that class clown in high school whose antics made mean and boring teachers bearable, and kept you from worrying about the big chemistry test,” Roelston says. “Now today perhaps you’re not very educated or bright, but you can play the same role. You don’t have to be a useless idiot, you can be a useful one.”

Here are five ways you can be useful to those around you, even if you’re dumb as a bag of hammers:

 

1. DISTRACT – While the boss is announcing upsetting news such as a wage freeze, get your coworkers’ attention with a sight gag or good old-fashioned pratfall.

2. DUMB DOWN – When the neighborhood brainiac tries to show off at the barbecue by talking about some highfaluting book he read, making everyone feel stupid, put Mr. College in his place. Show how little you value book smarts with a line like, “Personally, I didn’t think The Divine Comedy was funny at all. I read 40 pages and only laughed twice.”

3. DEFUSE – If your pals at work are angry because they’re losing their dental coverage, calm them down with a one-liner such as “Well I’ve always wanted to look British!”

4. DISPUTE – If a neighbor starts spreading word that the street is about to be rezoned, freaking everyone out, insist idiotically that “The Twilight Zone doesn’t really exist.”

5. DEFLECT – If a manger criticizes your division for “not giving it your all,” jump in with a funny line like, “You didn’t say that when Cathy got drunk at the Christmas party.”

“Just remember the Five D’s and you can’t go wrong,” the sociologist says.

trump-mocks-4

Russian officials have reportedly called President Donald Trump their “useful idiot.”

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Hired Clappers Can Help You Succeed at Job and Home!   1 comment

 

 

audience-clapping

Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!

“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.

“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”

Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.

“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”

A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.

“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”

When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.

“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”

 

trump-press-conference-3

Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Can YOU Pass the Refugee “Christianity Test”?   Leave a comment

jesus-preaching

By C. Michael Forsyth

President Donald Trump has banned refugees from terrorism-plagued Muslim countries from entering the U.S., but many leaders feel that an exception should be made for Christians.

“Most of the women and children fleeing Russian bombs, beheading by ISIS fanatics or being taken as sex slaves are Muslim, but some are actually Christian,” explained a government insider. “We’d like to let the Christians in, as Jesus Himself would want us to do, but the problem is it would be very easy for a Muslim to slip in by claiming to be a follower of Our Lord.”

Some have floated the idea of a test that could weed out fakes from real Christians. Here is one version. Answers and scoring are below. Just for fun, take it and check your score to find out if you could get by government screeners.

1) Name three of Christ’s disciples:

A) Peter, Paul and Mary
B) Adam, Joseph and Hoss
C) Matthew, Mark and John
D) John, Luke and Han

2) When people were building the Tower of Babel, God foiled the project by

A) Blinding them
B) Causing them to speak different languages
C) Removing a critical stone at the bottom
D) Sending a great hailstorm

3) The phrase written over Christ’s head on the cross was_____.

A) Nice Guys Finish Last
B) Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews
C) Jesus Christ Superstar
D) Do Not Mess With the Romans

4) Who ordered the crucifixion of Jesus?

A) Julius Caesar
B) Augustus Caesar
C) Caligula
D) Pontius Pilate

5) The Bible states that Jonah spent three days inside a huge____.

A) Turtle
B) Brothel
C) Whale
D) Fish

6) The final time Judas saw Jesus, he ____.

A) Kissed Him
B) Kneed Him in the groin
C) Knee-capped Him
D) Shook His hand

7) “The Immaculate Conception” refers to the birth of what biblical figure?

A) Moses
B) Jesus
C) St. Mary
D) John the Baptist

8) Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin___________.”

A) Get stoned
B) Become Pope
C) In free to my next revival meeting
D) Cast the first stone

9) Love thy neighbor as ___________.

A) Long as he is also Christian
B) You love yourself
C) Long as he loves you back
D) Long as this does not put you in danger

10) According to the Bible, the human race began when______.

A) God created Adam and Eve
B) God created Adam and Steve
C) Homo Sapiens evolved from a more primitive species
D) Zeus created Adam and Eve

11) In the Book of Genesis, the rainbow appears as a symbol of______.

A) Equal rights for the people of Sodom.
B) The diverse races of mankind
C) God’s pledge never again to destroy humanity by flood
D) Impending doom

12) When Lot’s wife disobeys God and looks back at the destruction of Sodom, God punishes her by transforming her into ________.

A) A pillar of salt
B) A pillar of pepper
C) A pillar of paprika
D) A man

13) Do unto others ________.

A) As they would do unto you, only do it first
B) As you would have others do onto you
C) As you see fit
D) As a Philistine would

14) What did David do to Goliath after slaying him?

A) Stripped off his clothing
B) Castrated him
C) Cut off his head
D) All of the above

15) Jesus performed what amazing miracle on Lazarus?

A) Healed his blindness
B) Brought him back from the dead
C) Healed his paralysis
D) Healed his impotence

16) When you are struck in the face you should ________.

A) Strike the person who hit you in their face
B) Punch the person but not in the face
C) Stab the person
D) Turn the other cheek

17) In the 1961 film King of Kings, Jeffrey Hunter starred as Jesus. What other iconic figure has he played?

A) Tarzan
B) Captain Christopher Pike
C) James Bond
D) Felix Leiter

18) Christ’s disciple Matthew held what job?

A) Blacksmith
B) Tax collector
C) Loan shark
D) Fisherman

19) God appeared before Moses in the form of_______.

A) A genie
B) A burning cart
C) A burning bush
D) A talking donkey

20) He who lives by the sword shall _____

A) Defeat he who lives by the rock
B) Sleep more easily
C) Die by poison
D) Die by the Sword

21) The Good Samaritan kindly helped a beaten stranger he met on the road even though____.

A) He was drunk
B) He was late for a human sacrifice
C) He was not a Hebrew
D) All of the above

22) Moses amazed the court of the pharaoh by transforming his staff into a____.

A) A spear
B) A serpent
C) A monkey
D) Gold

23) The place where some souls must undergo purification before going onto heaven is known as __________.

A) Purgatory
B) Hell
C) Ireland
D) Neverworld

24) When God asked Cain where his brother Abel was, Cain replied_______.

A) “I think he went fishing.”
B) “It wasn’t me.”
C) “Did you look in the storage hut?
D) “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

25) The doctrine that in some circumstances the Pope cannot be wrong is known as_________.

A) The Peter Principle
B) Papal Infallibility
C) The Uncertainty Principle
D) Penal Code

ANSWERS:
1 C
2 B
3 B
4 D
5 D
6 A
7 C
8 D
9 B
10 A
11 C
12 A
13 B
14 C
15 B
16 D
17 B
18 B
19 C
20 D
21 C
22 B
23 A
24 D
25 B

SCORING: For each correct answer, give yourself four points. 100-90: Welcome to America, you’re a bona fide Christian. 80-89: You’ve squeaked by, but brush up on the Bible! 70-79. Sorry, go back where you came from and bone up. Feel free to try again in six months. 60-69. Hit the road, heathen. Hope you have better luck applying to ISIS.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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