Archive for the ‘News parody’ Category

HERO FIRES GUN INTO HURRICANE IRMA, SAVES FAMILY FROM SHARKS.   Leave a comment

 

sharknado

The movie “Sharknado” brought to light the danger of airborne sharks.

By C. Michael Forsyth

KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.

Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.

Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.

“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”

Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.

A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”

 

Irma sharks

SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.

 

“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”

Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.

“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.

FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.

“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”

Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.

 

Hurricane shooting

DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Confederate Statues Coming to Life — and Taking Vengeance.   Leave a comment

Nathan 3

STATUE of Civil War legend and KKK leader Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest escaped from warehouse where it was stored.

By. C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The statues of 13 Confederate war heroes have come alive to seek revenge on the living, according to horrified paranormal investigators.

At least eight deaths and 36 sword and cannon injuries have been attributed to the golem-like figures, since their removal from public parks and town squares. The victims have primarily been liberal activists who had pushed for the removal of the controversial monuments, but the take-no-prisoners statues mow down anyone who stands in their way. Even an ice cream vendor was trampled to death when he inadvertently blocked the path of the mounted statue of General Robert E. Lee as the frightening figure galloped down the sidewalk.

“These entities are very, very angry,” said psychic researcher Ted Luebeck. ” We’re asking for the public’s help in tracking the statues down before they do more harm.”

Community organizer Margaret Fisling fell victim to a 102-year-old statue of General Stonewall Jackson as she was erecting an “Impeach Donald Trump” lawn sign outside her Charlotte home. Her husband Keith watched in helpless horror as the marble menace bore down on the 45-year-old woman, sword waving.

“First, we heard the eerie sound of ‘Dixie’ whistling over the wind,” said Fisling. “When we looked up we saw the statue, which we recognized from protest marches, charging straight us. I dove behind our garden gnome, but Maggie couldn’t get out of the way in time. Gen. Jackson’s horse knocked her down, then after about 50 feet, he turned around. He pointed his saber, galloped forward at full speed and sliced off her head off. It was like something out of a horror movie.”

Authorities were initially skeptical of the far-fetched story, until police discovered horse tracks on the scene and residue consistent with pigeon droppings.

Since May, scores of monuments honoring Confederate generals, as well as Jefferson Davis and the judge who ruled in favor of slavery in the Dredd Scott decision, have been removed from cities in North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee and other states. While some have found new homes in museums, or as lawn ornaments for Civil War buffs, most have been shipped for temporary housing at warehouses. The 13 that sprang to life were all kept at the Old Times Warehouse and Antique Shop on the outskirts of Charlotte, according to investigator Luebeck.

Robert E. Lee

REMOVAL of statues of Confederate greats like the beloved General Robert E. Lee has sparked a nationwide debate.

A statue of General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who became an organizer of the Klu Klux Klan after the war, was the first to go missing from the storage facility, on August 16.

“That morning, I was wheeling in the latest addition, some colonel who fought in the Battle of Bull Run, when I found the spot where the Forrest statue had been gathering dust for months was empty,” said warehouse employee Stan Beasby. “At first, we figured it had been stolen, but it was funny because that statue weighs over 3,500 pounds. Who would have thought these guys have been marching and riding straight out of here?”

Over the following several nights, the statues of other legendary soldiers went on the lam, as well as a bust of General P.G.T. Beauregard that’s believed to have hopped to freedom. Paranormal experts can’t explain how the statues, most chiseled out of solid stone or made of bronze, and have no joints, are moving about. However, they do have a theory about the supernatural mechanism that has animated them.

“The warehouse also holds old store mannequins, junk from amusement park haunted houses, and figures from a wax museum in New Orleans that shut down last year,” Luebeck revealed.

“Back in 1988, a group of college students carried out a ‘voodoo’ ceremony that briefly brought some of the wax figures alive for two days, including one of Lizzie Borden. There were several serious injuries before they were put down with a blowtorch. We believe it’s conceivable that the surviving wax figures somehow ‘infected’ the Confederate statues.”

Talos

STATUES rarely come to life outside of movies like the 1963 Ray Harryhausen classic “Jason and the Argonauts.”

While baffled police race to track down the missing monuments, dozens of self-proclaimed “monster hunters” have converged on the area to put a stop to the killing spree. But some proud southerners profess sympathy for the hard-charging symbols of the South. And they reject any connection between their idols and slavery or racism.

“It’s not a racial thing,” insisted Beau Castland of the organization Keep Your Yankee Hands Off Our Heritage. “The media doesn’t point this out, but only one of the victims was black. Four were white, two were Asian Americans and one was a visitor from Samoa.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Think Your Way Out of Poverty — Using Ben Carson Mind Tricks!   Leave a comment

BEn Carson

MIND OVER MATTER: Dr. Ben Carson, our new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, has advice for poor Americans.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — You can live like a king, even if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of —  by tricking your brain into thinking you’re rich!

“Poverty is just a state of mind, as Dr. Ben Carson recently said,” according to Revis Washington, author of the upcoming book, Think Yourself Rich. “A medieval peasant who had all the things a ‘poor’ American has today, like indoor plumbing, would feel that he was on top of the world. And imagine how a Neanderthal man would react to a simple potato chip sandwich or a cozy cardboard shelter. It’s all relative. The government doesn’t need anti-poverty programs. The mind is a far more powerful tool.”

A few easily learned mental tricks that Washington calls “mind jujitsu” are all you need to be wealthy inside your head.

“You’re essentially brainwashing yourself out of poverty,” the author explained.

Here, from the expert, are five great Jedi-like mind moves you can use to achieve instant mental wealth:

REINVENT YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE – When you are eating cold scrambled eggs and government cheese, close your eyes and visualize fine beluga caviar and gourmet brie.

REDEFINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS — A rat is only a “rat” if you choose to see it as one. In your mind, transform your scampering house guests into playful squirrels.

RECONCEPTUALIZE TRANSPORTATION — Don’t think “We’re living in our car.” Tell your brain that you and your five children are on a fun road trip through the south of France.

RETHINK FASHION — Pretend those ripped and threadbare clothes are the latest chic look in Europe. Picture a skeletal model sporting your duds on a runway in Milan.

REJECT MODERN MEDICINE — Instead of fretting about not being able to afford antibiotics for your family, imagine that you are trying to beef up your immune systems the natural way.

Poor folks 2

CHEER UP! Poor folks like this family snapped by photographer Mary Ellen Mark, can easily fix their plight with upbeat thoughts and a little imagination.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

In Wake of Colbert Outrage, 100 Euphemisms for “C—k Holster.”   Leave a comment

Stephen Colbert

Comedian Stephen Colbert’s mouth has landed him in hot water.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.

“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.

Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.

Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”

“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”

Trump Mouth

BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.

But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.

“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”

Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.

1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover

Sword swallower

SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.

51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd

Trump Putin Horse

HOMOEROTIC imagery  — like this Photoshopped pic —  have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

“SYMBOLIC” TRUMP WALL WILL BE JUST 6 FEET TALL.   Leave a comment

GARDEN wALL 4

Even a short wall like this one can send a powerful message.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Undersized hands aren’t the only way Donald Trump has come up short. It turns out his border wall may be a measly six feet tall!

The President’s plans for a towering and majestic barrier between the U.S. and Mexico were scaled back after Congress balked at the estimated $38 billion price tag.

“This compromise is a win for both Trump and Republicans in Congress,” explained a Capitol Hill insider. “It allows the President to show supporters that he honored his promise to build a wall, while satisfying deficit hawks that money won’t be wasted. The savings can be used for something more useful, such as tax cuts for large corporations.

“Even though it will be smaller than originally envisioned, Trump Wall will remain a powerful symbol to would-be illegal aliens that they aren’t wanted here.”

As a candidate, the flamboyant real-estate tycoon vowed to build a “great, beautiful wall” as high as 40 feet tall, a magnificent structure that could be seen from space just like the Great Wall of China. But at just 72 inches, the cut-down-to-size Trump Wall will be so teensy, most fit adults would be able to scale it; some high-school track stars could leap right over it — and even miniscule Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales could scurry up and over in seconds.

Yet supporters of the pared down project aren’t concerned.

“This is truly a case where size doesn’t matter,” the source insisted. “The main concern with the original plan was that the Mexicans might dig tunnels. Well, it’s as hard to tunnel under a 6-foot wall as it is to tunnel under a 40-foot wall.”

Great Wall of China

The Great Wall of China is one of the eight wonders of the modern world.

During the campaign, Trump claimed that cost wasn’t an issue because Mexico would pay for the wall – and he stuck to his guns even after Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vehemently declared that his nation wouldn’t fork over a single pesos for the “insulting” eyesore.  After the election, the billionaire prez acknowledged that U.S. taxpayers would foot the full bill for his dream project and demanded funding from Congress — saying money could be taken from less important areas such as the Coast Guard and food for the elderly. But lawmakers refused to include funding in this year’s budget, and furious Trump warned of a government shutdown unless they knuckled under. When they didn’t, the President reluctantly backed down, promising supporters the wall-funding issue would be reconsidered this fall when negotiations for the following year’s budget begin.

“Since then, various more-modest proposals for the wall have been run up the flagpole, including the idea that it would extend only half the length of the border,” the insider revealed. “But when the suggestion of simply building a shorter wall was offered for consideration, it instantly received widespread support.”

sPEEDY 1

FLEET-FOOTED cartoon rodent Speedy Gonzales would be able to get over the smaller, cheaper Trump Wall in no time flat.

To trim costs even further, undocumented aliens will work on the wall – but only on the southern side.

“When the wall is complete and they find themselves stuck on the Mexican side, they’ll get the message: ‘Your services are no longer required – stay out!’ ” said the insider.

As another savings measure, the U.S. government won’t cut checks for those workers when the job is done.

“Even more than the art of the deal, as a real-estate mogul, Mr. Trump mastered the art of stiffing contractors,” the insider noted. “If these Mexican citizens are never paid for their labor, he would have shown he is a man of his word: Mexico in effect did pay for the wall.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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