Archive for the ‘political satire’ Tag
Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.
By C. Michael Forsyth
A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.
“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”
The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.
“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.
Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!
“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”
OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat
Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.
“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”
In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.
But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.
HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.
“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”
Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.
“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.
Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!
What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.
“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”
PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)
Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.
“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”
NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig
Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.
“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.
In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.
“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”
Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.
Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.
“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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OWNING a pricey yacht like the $1 billion Streets of Monaco doesn’t make you one of the elite.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.
While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.
“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”
The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.
In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.
“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”
The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.
“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!
DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.
“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.
“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”
A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.
SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.
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Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.
BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincoln.
By C. Michael Forsyth
TAMPA – Right-wing talk radio host Debbie Gurvney does more than wear her political views on her sleeve. Her body is covered head to toe with tattoos of every Republican President!
The conservative cutie’s curvaceous caboose is adorned with the faces of the party’s greatest icons Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, while Herbert Hoover, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Ulysses S. Grant and other commanders in chief decorate her skin as well.
The outspoken hottie’s 36-24-36 bod also sports an elephant (the GOP mascot), plus familiar slogans including “Morning in America” and “Mission Accomplished.” And in addition to the presidents, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich holds a special place of honor: her bikini area.
“I thought of having President Bush there for obvious reasons, but I decided that would be disrespectful to the leader who kept us safe for eight years,” Debbie says reverently.
Debbie, 26, freely admits the tattoos are in part a publicity stunt to advertise her nationally syndicated show “Debbie Does D.C.,” scheduled to go on the air in six weeks. But she insists there’s more to it than that.
“It’s my way of showing how committed I am to the cause of conservatism at a time when our freedoms are under attack,” the perky pundit explains.
Debbie got her first tattoo, of George W. Bush, in high school to show her support for the then-unpopular Iraq war and to thumb her nose at “my peacenik liberal parents.” Since then she’s added another GOP prez every few months.
When the bodacious blonde struts down Miami’s crowded South Beach in a skimpy bikini, she gets plenty of attention – and loves every minute of it.
“It gives me the opportunity to talk about issues such as cap and trade with young male voters who normally couldn’t care less about politics,” she explains. “Many of them don’t know a thing about Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan’s favorite president. But with his face right there between my breasts, it’s easy to bring him up.”
While Debbie adamantly opposes gay marriage, she doesn’t mind that lesbians also drool over her as she stretches out on a beach blanket working on her tan.
“When they ask me about the tattoos, I invite them to have a seat and apply sun block to my back,” says the family-values proponent. “As they’re rubbing lotion on The Gipper and Dubya, it gives me an opportunity to lecture them on the sanctity of traditional marriage and the benefits of conversion therapy.”
Debbie says her role model is famed political commentator Ann Coulter.
“I love that she’s young, attractive and hip, with an irreverent sense of humor,” she says. “I want to show America that not all Republicans are old, rich white men – some of us date old, rich white men!”
Feminists aren’t crazy about the luscious lady’s eye-popping fashion statement. They charge that by using her fabulous figure as a billboard, she’s become little more than a sex object. Debbie pooh poohs that argument.
“It doesn’t surprise me that old-school women’s libbers can’t handle this,” she laughed. “They think that every time a man looks at a pretty girl it’s sexual exploitation. And let’s be honest. Your typical frumpy Democrat woman like Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren couldn’t pull this off. I’m living proof that our women are hotter than their women – and we’re a lot more fun.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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