Archive for the ‘political satire’ Tag

Manspreading Cure? Men Are Being Taught to Sit With Ankles Crossed.   Leave a comment

crossed ankles

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton and Queen Elizabeth of England sit with ankles daintily crossed.

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW YORK CITY — Anti-manspreading crusaders aren’t taking the problem sitting down. They’ve launched a nationwide campaign to snuff out the rude male behavior—by training guys to sit with their ankles primly crossed.

“In etiquette classes, properly raised young ladies are taught to sit with their ankles crossed—never with their knees spread wide, which is of course quite vulgar,” explained retired etiquette instructor Clarice Bowdlake, who spent her 30-year career at a girls’ school for manners. “It is time we teach men to do the same. There is no reason why even the most uneducated man cannot learn to sit with the grace and decorum of Queen Elizabeth.”

Manspreading best

There is an epidemic of manspreading on public transportation, experts say.

 

Manspreading is when a man sits with his knees spread brazenly apart, particularly on a bus or subway seat when doing so takes up extra space. The inconsiderate conduct has become a bane of female commuters, who complain that they end up either having to stand or sit squeezed uncomfortably to one side.

The training program is the brainchild of activist Courtney Featherstein, who has pushed through numerous ordinances regulating manspreading across the country. Her organization Close Your Legs has hired dozens of expert instructors like Bowdlake to lead classes in 20 cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and D.C.

“Manspreading is more than just an affront to basic civility, it’s a primary symbol of male privilege,” Featherstein declared. “Men use it as a way to project dominance.”

Obama Trump

Manspreading is used to communicate power, as in this case where two leaders vie to out-manspread each other.

The two-hour training sessions, which cost $140, don’t just cover sitting. Male enrolees are also shown the proper way to hold a teacup—one pinky extended—curtsey, avoid burping and other basics.

Many of the students are progressive men hoping to learn more sensitive behavior and earn points with their girlfriends. Others have been sent to the classes by forward-looking businesses that cough up the fee and give employees time off to attend. For now, participation is voluntary, but Featherstein hopes that one day soon, high schools will make such classes mandatory for all young males.

“I’d like to see it become as routine as taking a driver’s ed course,” she said.

American men need to be educated on the important issue, the activist revealed. Stunningly, many still don’t even know what manspreading is.

Admits Nick R., 35, of Bangor, Maine, “When I saw a headline with the word ‘manspreading’ in it last year, I thought it was some kind of new gay bedroom move, and I skipped the article.”

But ignorance and homophobia aren’t the only obstacles to stamping out manspreading. So-called “men’s rights” organizations have been whining that the whole movement is anti-male.

“I’d love to sit with my knees pressed together on a bus or subway, but we men have something between our legs we call testicles,” insisted Jerry Nogland, president of the Male Liberation Brigade. “These women are trying to create a society in which all men are effete wusses, like in that movie Zardoz. It’s not right.”

Zardoz

In the bizarre 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz, Sean Connery plays the last remaining masculine human on the planet.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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After Silencer Bill, Assassin Organization Wants Laws Eased on Cyanide Capsules.   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to pass a bill easing restrictions on gun silencers, the International Society of Gentlemen Assassins is hailing the move–and is asking for equal treatment for other tools of the trade, such as cyanide capsules and poison darts!

“We’re pleased as punch that the government is taking action on silencers, which are so helpful in making it hard to tell where your shots are coming from,” said Dan Castlewick, a spokesperson for the prestigious 80-year-old organization. “Now is the time to make other essential weapons easier to obtain and reduce the hassle of using tried-and-true assassination techniques.”

The I.S.G.A. wants the law relaxed on the following items:

razor-edged bowler hat

Razor-Edged Bowler Hats

cyanide capsules

Cyanide capsules

blow dart 3

Poison Darts

pirhana 1

Feeding to Piranhas

Javiar

Cattle Stunners (Captive Bolt Pistols)

car bomb

Car Bombs

 

garotte byzantium

Garottes

 

tarantula better

Tarantulas

 If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

 

After Trump’s Election, Other Stock Villains are Entering Politics   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

Donald Trump won the presidency in an Electoral College landslide — even though he’s the classic Rich Selfish Loudmouth stereotype we’ve seen in countless movies. Now, scores of other stock-movie-villain types are lining up to run for political office – and they’re being eagerly courted by both political parties.

“Voters have always been most comfortable with easily recognized types,” explained campaign strategist Hallie Boylkin. “In the past, we tried to run candidates who were squeaky-clean, square-jawed hero types. But today the ideal candidate looks less like Robert Redford and more like Boris Karloff.

Villlain Robert Redford the candidate

OUT: Square-jawed, earnest Robert Redford seemed a dream candidate in the 1970s — but not anymore.

“The public wants leaders who are strong and decisive, and who aren’t squeamish about cutting moral corners if it’s in the national interest. Today no political candidate can expect serious consideration from the two major parties unless he or she falls into one or more of the best known villain types.”

The Rich Selfish Loudmouth is a familiar figure in movies, particularly to fans of horror flicks. When a crisis arises, he usually belittles the hero’s plan and temporarily gains control of the group.

“He’s the guy who tries to close the gate when there’s still a mother and her kid running from the zombies, or steals that last vial of an antidote for himself,” said Boylkin. “When he’s finally torn apart by walkers or eaten by a giant monster, it’s usually a stand-up-and-cheer moment for the audience.”

Variations of the “rich jerk” character appear in non-horror flicks like Titanic, in which Billy Zane plays a wealthy snob who thinks only of saving his own neck as the ship goes down.

Billy Zane Titanic

RICH SELFISH JERK Cal played by Billy Zane in Titanic isn’t above smacking his fiancee or turning yellow as the doomed ship sinks.

“Candidate Trump fit this mold to a T,” observed the strategist. “He bragged about everything from his billions to his I.Q., claimed he knew more about ISIS than the generals and mocked POWs like John McCain for being captured – instead of ducking service in Vietnam as he did. That ‘rich, cowardly braggart’ image helped to propel Mr. Trump into the White House. Voters reasoned that a guy who could keep himself that safe and rich could help all Americans be secure and wealthy too.”

Here are 14 other standard movie bad guy types and why they’re expected to win big in coming elections:

jAMES MASON BEST

THE SUAVE AND SARDONIC ENGLISHMAN: Epitomized by James Mason in North by Northwest, this villain is unfailingly polite. In an era of name-calling and coarse political discourse in Washington, voters yearn for such civility.

Villain Negan best

THE BRUTAL BUT CHARISMATIC BULLY: In uncertain times, voters gravitate toward Alpha males like Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)  of The Walking Dead fame,  a take-charge guy with a knack for motivating others.

VILLAIN dR. NO

THE COLD SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, exemplified by Dr. No, the first movie nemesis of James Bond.  Americans recognize the need for leaders with brainpower to spare, who operate on the basis of facts — not emotion.

Villain robert Davi Sanchez

THE HOODLUM WHO LIVES BY A CODE, like Sanchez (Robert Davi),  Bond’s drug-dealing foe in Licence to Kill. Now more than ever, voters long for leaders who cherish  “old-fashioned” values such as love of family, word of honor and personal loyalty.

Villains goodfellas

THE UNPREDICTABLE NUTJOB: Jovial one minute, shooting up the joint the next, this mercurial type was best personified by Joe Peschi as Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas. Leaders like these are able to keep America’s enemies off balance.

Villain SHaron Stone

THE OVER-SEXED FEMME FATALE, portrayed memorably by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. A lady leader who’s not afraid to use her feminine wiles could have a macho strongman like Putin eating out of her hand.

villains old movie preacher

RELIGIOUS FANATIC: Ever since teacher-led prayer was taken out of the schools, many Americans have pined for leaders who wear their religious views on their sleeve — or better yet their hands, like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.

Mr Burns

GREEDY BUSINESSMAN: With the national debt soaring out of control, many voters feel we need leaders who focus on the bottom line and nothing else, just like miserly Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.

Villain mean girl Rachel McAdams

THE MEAN GIRL: Cheerleader types who use their superior social skills — not H-bombs — as weapons, like Regina (Rachel McAdams) in Mean Girls  are the kind of leaders the world desperately needs right now.

Villain Walken Do in Denver

MUMBLING WEIRDO: Christopher Walken has mastered the art of playing a creepy villain in films such as Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead.  A leader who rambles incoherently can keep our nation’s adversaries guessing about what we’ll do next.

Aliens Reiser

HEARTLESS YUPPIE: Like sleazy company stooge Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) in Aliens, this type of leader understands that sometimes peons have to suffer so that the more deserving can enjoy the benefits of success. A certain Ayn Rand-loving Speaker of the House is clearly modeled on this type.

Villain Rosa Klebb

THE  HUMORLESS FEMALE DRONE: Best exemplified by Rosa Klebb  in From Russia With Love. A no-nonsense woman who rejects all  emotional attachments can be as competent a leader as a man, many American voters feel.

Kathy Bates 1

THE OBSESSED STALKER: This type’s most famous incarnation is Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes in Misery. Commitment like that isn’t easy to come by, voters know. When stalkers are able to redirect their energy into productive enterprises,  the benefits to society can be amazing, as is evident in the works of singer Adelle.

SAMUEL l. jACKSON kING

THE MISGUIDED WARMONGER: Whether it’s Samuel L. Jackson sending his men to die fighting a 500-foot gorilla, or that general using tanks to chase down a misunderstood space alien, this character is always wrong in movies. But in real life, as American voters know, you sometimes  “absolutely, positively” have to kill every mother-@#$%  in a country.


If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Alternative Facts Just as Real, Quantum Physicists Say   Leave a comment

atom-one

By C. Michael Forsyth

Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.

“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”

As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.

“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.

“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”

schrodingers_cat_edited-1

The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.

“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”

The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.

“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”

 

kellyanne-conway

Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russia Will Let U.S. Pick ITS Next President!   Leave a comment

 

baryshnikov501381862471-1200x855

LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.

 

Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!

What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.

“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”

 

russian-election

PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)

 

Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.

“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”

 

chekov

NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig

 

Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.

“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.

In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.

“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”

Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.

Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.

“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
 

candidates

THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

While U.S. is Now a Cartoon, Laws of Physics Still Apply, Scientists Say.   Leave a comment

trump-simpsons

DOH!  America is now one long Simpsons episode, experts agree.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.

“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.

“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”

wiley-coyote-gravity-lessons

In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.

Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.

Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:

duck-plane

If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.

 

 

wile-e-coyote-painted-tunnel

If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.

 

bugs-bunny-explosion

If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.

 

 

wolf

No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.

 

 

yosemite-sam

If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.

 

 

peter-pan-shadow

A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.

 

woody-woodpecker-heart

Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.

 

 

wile-e-anvil

If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.

 

 

 

 

yosemite-saws

If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.

 

 

sharp-tack

No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.

 

 

The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.

“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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