After New “Fetal Funeral” Law: How to Eulogize Your Embryo.   Leave a comment


Politician Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) is a master at delivering stirring eulogies in TV’s “House of Cards.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

A strict new Texas regulation requires that a woman who suffers a miscarriage have the fetus respectfully buried in a cemetery – even if the pregnancy lasted only a few days. The fetal funeral rule has created a quandary for many women and their family members, who aren’t sure how best to eulogize an embryo.

“It’s tough enough coming up with a eulogy for a relative you barely know,” said Jerry H., of Waco, whose sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. “It’s even harder when it’s for someone who never was even born and never did anything.”

The rule, which also permits cremation, was passed over fierce opposition from women’s rights advocates and doctors. It prevents the fetal remains –- often a collection of cells too small to see with the naked eye — from being treated as medical waste like an amputated limb.

“An embryo is a person too,” explained Hank Brutford of the conservative group, Get Government Off Our Backs.

Women who’ve been traumatized by miscarriage and rape victims who get abortions may just want to put the pregnancy behind them, Brutford admits, but he insists they’ll feel a “real sense of closure” after a funeral service and Christian burial.

Jerry H. did manage to cobble together a eulogy for the funeral, and he shared the touching remarks with us. He welcomes any other relative who’s stumped to borrow from it:

“What can I say about Baby X? His, or possibly her, time with us was so short. But I can tell you this: Baby X never said an unkind word about another human being. Never acted out of anger or malice. And how many of us can say that about ourselves? Not very many, I can tell you. A funny little annecdote about Baby X. Baby X’s mom, I’m sure you remember this. You were on the buffet line at Golden Corral, and suddenly you had to rush to the bathroom and throw up. Becky had to hold your hair up to keep it from falling in the toilet. Not the first time, right Becky? We all know how you two used to party! That was how Baby X announced, ‘Here I am!’ Good times… Well, I could go on and on, but I’m sure the padre has other funerals to conduct. So I’d like to recite the lyrics of a song by Eric Clapton that I think says it all, if you don’t mind. Where are my glasses? Okay, here goes.

“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
“Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
“Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.

“Thank you. Baby X, we’ll miss you buddy.”


Few embryos can list many accomplishments in their first week of life.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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