Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category

Jesus’ Enemy List Found!   1 comment

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Those who messed with the Savior of mankind could face divine retribution.

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Those who messed with the Savior of mankind could face divine retribution.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Jesus forgave — but he didn’t forget. Bible scholars now say that from an early age, the Messiah kept a detailed enemies list.

The 8-foot-long scroll contains the names of 105 people who did the Lord wrong, from the age of 7 through the eve of His crucifixion at age 33. The meticulously kept record includes each specific offense, date and location, according to biblical archaeologist Paolo Giametelli.

“Some of the names on the list are to be expected, such as Pontius Pilate, Judas and Satan,” says the expert. “But the text includes some surprises, such has a boy named Azariah, ‘who did cast a rock at my head’ when Jesus was only 9. Further down there is a reference to one Lemuel of Nazareth, who refused to pay for a cabinet he’d ordered during Christ’s days as a young carpenter.”

PONTIUS PILATE ordered the execution of Jesus, earning him a prominent spot on the list.

PONTIUS PILATE ordered the execution of Jesus, earning him a prominent spot on the list.

The scroll was found in fragments in the ruins of a Coptic Christian temple outside Jerusalem excavated by archaeologists. The fragile pieces of parchment were painstakingly put back together and translated. The list includes the Pharisees who opposed His ministry as well as Salome, the temptress responsible for the beheading of Jesus’ friend and ally John the Baptist.

Researchers are uncertain why Jesus, known for preaching love and kindness, kept the enemies list.

“The obvious implication is that our Lord planned retribution, either by using His holy superpowers or calling upon His father in Heaven for vengeance,” said the scholar. “But it is equally possible that this was a list of people to forgive.”

BIBLICAL backstabber Judas Iscariot made the holy enemies list.

BIBLICAL backstabber Judas Iscariot made the holy enemies list.

TREACHEROUS:  After her seductive dance, Salome beheaded John the Baptist.

TREACHEROUS: After her seductive dance, Salome had John the Baptist beheaded.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

WHAT GUN WOULD JESUS CARRY? Top 10 Picks of Bible Scholars.   3 comments

JESUS bring peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from the website.

JESUS bringing peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from passtheammo.com.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A spirited debate is being waged on the Internet and in churches across America about which gun Jesus Christ would pack.

Some preachers say that if the Lord were alive today, He would tote a high-powered semi-automatic assault rife, while others insist He’d sling an old-fashioned cowboy six-shooter as a symbol of justice. But all agree that when the Second Coming rolls around, Jesus will be loaded for bear.

“Jesus, who said ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ was protective of the weak and defenseless, and He would carry the means to keep them safe from harm,” explains the Rev. Houldercraft of Charleston, S.C, a longtime gun-rights supporter.

“Although kind and gentle, He also accepted that violence was sometimes necessary against evildoers, like when He chased the money changers out of the temple. Today the Messiah would use the modern weapons at His disposal. It’s ridiculous for liberals to argue that He’d go after sinners with a handful of rocks and a sling.”

TALE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money lenders out of the temple -- but today He would use modern weapons..

TAKE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money changers out of the temple — but today He would use modern weapons.

“Personally, I believe His weapon of choice would be the M1911,” continued the clergyman. “It’s a highly versatile pistol from Colt with plenty of stopping power that’s remarkably reliable even after it falls in mud or sand.”

Here are 10 other guns that top Bible scholars nationwide contend Christ might carry:

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world for decades.

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world.

Smith & Wesson Hand Ejector Revolver

This double-action/single-action revolver would allow the Son of God to be quick on the trigger in any situation.

“For precise shooting, the crisp single-action trigger pull is extraordinary, and the double-action smoothness is unsurpassed,” notes the Reverend Terry Smiltwood of Arkansas, a lifelong hunter and gun-safety expert. “It’s equally well suited for hunting, personal defense or blowing sinners to Kingdom Come.”

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.


GLOCK 17

This popular handgun’s injection-molded polymer frame makes it light and resistant to corrosion.

“It holds a 17-round-capacity double-stack magazine to quickly take out a hit team of the Antichrist’s minions, who won’t be crazy about the Second Coming,” notes Rev. Greg Kestlebury of Tennessee. “And the grip is relatively slim, perfect for Jesus who’s described as having small and delicate hands.

“Most importantly, the weapon is considered ‘cool’ by criminals and gang members, the very types of sinners our Lord would wish to win over. A Glock pointed between their eyes would quickly win their respect and gain Him entry to their world.”

MARSHALL Matt Dillon (James Arness) was fast on the draw with his Colt in TV classic “Gunsmoke.”


Colt Peacemaker

Most U.S. Bible experts agree Christ will return to Earth in America, since our nation embodies freedom and everything else He stands for. It seems only natural that He’ll pack an all-American weapon like this sturdy cowboy six-shooter, known as The Gun that Won the West.

“This iconic handgun was wielded by frontiersmen, outlaws and sheriffs,” notes Bible scholar and gun-rights activist Herbert C. Hurbwell of Lousiana. “Custer held one in his hand at the Last Stand and Teddy Roosevelt brandished one when he charged up San Juan Hill. Marshalls used this potent symbol of frontier justice to keep the peace in our past, just as Jesus will bring peace to our world in the near future.

“In the final showdown between Christ and the Antichrist, I believe He’ll carry the same gun in His holster that Matt Dillon used in ‘Gunsmoke’ — and I pity the fool who thinks he can outdraw Jesus.”

GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY: Clint Eastwood sported a .44 Magnum in “Sudden Impact.”

.44 Remington Magnum

No weapon puts the fear of God into evildoers more than the handgun toted by Dirty Harry. Once touted as the most powerful handgun in the world, the .44 Magnum delivers a large, heavy bullet with high velocity that can take a sinner’s head clean off.

“Jesus is a God of love who expects the best of us. He literally wants each and every one of us to ‘make His day,’ ” argues Bishop Carl L. Surliss of West Virginia. “But those who violate His holy commandments face His wrath.”

With deeply penetrating bullets, the Magnum is also suitable for short-range hunting of animals as large as moose.

“Jesus was no sissy,” the preacher observes. “Just as our Lord relaxed with His disciples with games of His day like the ancient Hebrew version of soccer, today He would engage in manly recreation such as hunting and fishing.”

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be easily concealed in a shoulder or thigh holster beneath the Messiah's robes.

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be kept discreetly in Christ’s shoulder or thigh holster.

NAA Guardian Pistol

Far smaller than a Beretta 92 Compact, this dainty death-dealer could easily be concealed beneath Christ’s flowing robes.

“The element of surprise would be key for Jesus, whose enemies would expect the ‘meek and mild’ Savior of mankind to be unarmed,” notes Catherine Ziplanski, a leading Bible scholar and gun enthusiast. “So a small, easily concealed handgun really makes the most sense. The Guardian is sometimes pooh-poohed as a ‘lady’s gun,’ but it packs plenty of wallop.”

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

Remington 11-87 Shotgun

Stopping power will be the main concern of Jesus when he goes toe-to-toe with the formidable Beast described in the Bible, thus a 12-gauge shotgun would be the obvious choice, many insist.

“This gas-operated shotgun can carry a 3” magnum shell,” notes the Reverend Cal Huskley of North Carolina. “It could stop the Antichrist in his tracks whether he appears as a sinister child like Damien in ‘The Omen’ or as a rampaging monster.”

WHOLESOME TV show “The Rifleman” starred Chuck Connors and his Winchester rifle.

Winchester Model 70

The Lord would likely unwind by hunting with disciples, so a good, solid deer-hunting rifle would be in order. A possible choice would be this updated version of Winchester 1892 that Chuck Connors toted in the beloved TV show “The Rifleman.”

“Who can forget how Connors, as widower Lucas McCain, taught his son homespun American values, or how he fired 12 shots from his rifle in just seconds in the opening credits?” asks Ted Vechwuller, another authority on the Scriptures. “Those are the values – home, family, standing up for what’s right – that our Lord would want to instill in us, at the point of a gun if necessary.

“And if the demonic hordes of the Antichrist overcome Him and He runs out of bullets, one can easily imagine Him swinging the rifle butt as a club like Davy Crockett at the Alamo, before sacrificing His life, once again, for mankind.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

AR-15

This cousin of the M16 rifle used in Vietnam is popular among patriotic militia leaders, hunters with poor aim and homemakers alike.

“The Bible describes Armageddon as a final war between good and evil,” explains Henry R. Clatters of Alabama. “As our Lord leads His followers into battle singing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers,’ it would be fitting for Him to bear this military-style rifle.”

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ's robes.

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ’s robes.

UZI

Lightweight, easily concealable under a robe, and boasting a high rate of fire, this sub-machine gun might be the little friend Christ tells His enemies to “say hello” to.

“When you absolutely, positively have to kill every Pharisee in the room, an Uzi is what you need,” points out Bishop Charles R. Culway of Idaho. “The fact that it is an Israeli-made weapon from the Holy Land would of course make it especially appropriate for Our Lord.”

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist's tanks to smithereens

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist’s tanks to smithereens.

RPG-7

The armies of the Antichrist mean business, and Jesus will need a weapon powerful enough to take out the Evil One’s tanks. The Ruchnoy Protivotankovyy Granatomyot or RPG is the most widely used anti-tank weapon in the world.

“Our Lord is the Prince of Peace,” declares Rev. Bob Hiltonbell of Kentucky. “He wouldn’t hesitate to use a rocket-propelled grenade launcher to bring peace to the world.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this news satire entertaining, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

Speaking of firepower, silver bullets might come in handy in the spine-tingling horror novel Hour of the Beast. The author of this article wrote the book, which got rave reviews from The Horror Fiction Review , The Parlor of Horror and other critics.

Check out HOUR OF THE BEAST by clicking HERE.

BOOKSHELF BUILT BY JESUS FOUND!   2 comments

HOLY BOOKSHELF of Nazareth is nearly 2,000 years old, experts say.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CANTERBURY, England — Missing for 800 years, a bookshelf built by Jesus Christ in His father’s carpentry shop has resurfaced in an elderly English woman’s home!

The Holy Bookshelf of Nazareth has been authenticated by a leading expert, who used radiocarbon dating to confirm that it was built approximately 2,000 years ago.

“The cedar from which the shelves are made is genetically identical to trees in a grove less than half a mile outside the ancient town of Nazareth,” says Dr. Lionel Getting. “Hebrew lettering engraved on a small plaque on the back indicates that it was made by ‘Joseph and Sons,’ believed to be the name of the shop owned by Our Lord’s earthly father.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this is indeed the genuine article.”

JESUS was a competent carpenter.

The bookshelf is considered one of the most sacred pieces of furniture in Christendom, second only to the Holy End Tables of Antioch, which are said to be hewn from the cross on which Jesus was crucified, and which are now housed in the Vatican.

According to legend, the bookcase was spirited out of the Holy Land after Crusaders sacked Constantinople in 1204 A.D. It resurfaced last December in the basement of Mrs. Helen Goldbolt of Canterbury, who was using it to store jars of preserves and odds and ends.

“It had been in our family for many generations,” she told a newspaper. “I had no idea it might be valuable until a plumber working in the basement saw it and suggested I have it appraised.”

The appraiser immediately recognized the object’s antiquity and contacted Dr. Getting, a university expert who was struck by its resemblance to medieval drawings of the shelves. Thrilled, he promptly launched an investigation.

“When I realized what it was, I was dumbstruck,” Dr. Getting remembers.

Despite its incredible age, the bookshelf is in extraordinary condition, having miraculously survived through the eons when most wooden furniture made at the time has long since fallen apart. What’s more, it appears to have strange paranormal properties. Mrs. Goldbolt claims that food placed on the shelves never decays.

“Once I accidentally left a carton of milk on the top shelf,” the 78-year-old widow recalls. “Three months later it wasn’t spoiled.”

Profane objects don’t fare as well.

“The bookshelf was in my son’s bedroom when he was in his teens and he stored his collection of girlie magazines on the bottom shelf,” Mrs. Goldbolt says. “One day they burst into flames. They were reduced to ashes, but the shelves weren’t even singed.”

AT AN EARLY AGE, Jesus learned the trade of carpentry from His earthly father Joseph.

The nails used in the shelves’ construction match those employed by Hebrew carpenters in the 1st Century A.D. and recovered from archaeological digs. However, astonishingly, there is no sign of rust.

How the bookshelf survived two millennia is especially baffling because there is nothing out of the ordinary in how it is put together.

“Though by no means shoddily constructed, the Holy Bookshelf was made with no frills. For example only the minimal possible number of nails were used to adhere the vertical back cleats,” the expert notes. “This is entirely consistent with the Bible, which suggests that while Jesus was a smashing success as the Savior of mankind, He was a mediocre carpenter. Unlike His younger brother James, He had little interest in following His earthly father’s footsteps in the family business.

“As we now know, He had bigger fish to fry.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…

ANOTHER satisfied customer. Hour of the Beast sold like hotcakes at the Mad Monster Party.

Had a great time as a vendor hawking my horror novel Hour of the Beast at the Mad Monster Party convention in Charlotte, N.C. the weekend of March 23rd. I scared the pants off guest Traci Lords, the famed former porn princess. Oops, bad choice of words. What I mean is that when she took a gander at the werewolf hand in a jar I keep as a prop on my table, she leapt back in horror and almost shrieked. BTW, she looks fantastic – you’d swear she was 25.

NAKED FEAR: Former under age porn star Traci Lords has appeared in dozens of mainstream films including “Not of this Earth” and “Blade.”

I saw two awesome screenings. One was the pilot for a TV show called “Ghost Trek.” A hilarious faux reality show, it’s like “Reno 911” with ghost hunters. The other is an indie film titled “Nail Biter.” One of the best horror films I’ve seen in years, putting most big studio fare to shame. Look for my review in my next post.

A highlight was getting to meet one of my favorite actors of all time, the great Chris Sarandon – a star who was a better vampire than Christopher Lee and a better Jesus than Max von Sydow! If you only know Sarandon from the original “Fright Night” you know how charismatic he is – managing to be sexier in the role of bloodsucker Jerry Dandridge than hunk Colin Farrell was in the remake. But check him out in other roles, from Al Pacino’s transsexual mate in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a macho cop in “Child’s Play” – and you’ll have a sense of his range. His acting choices are fascinating. There’s a scene in “The Day Christ Died” when Jesus is slapped, illustrating the turn the other cheek lesson. Chris, as Jesus, slowly turns the other cheek – AFTER he looks like he wants to slug the other guy. A Jesus who’s truly human and for once, a Jesus who’s actually interesting.

C. Michael Forsyth with screen legend Chris Sarandon. When my kids see “Fright Night” I can reassure them “Hey, look, he’s not scary, he’s a friend of Dad.” If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell them, “Look how much bigger Dad is than the vampire. Don’t you think he could kick his butt?”

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

NEW LAW WILL BAN HISPANICS FROM NAMING BABIES JESUS   1 comment

CHRIST'S name is sacred to members of Christian faith.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PHOENIX, Arizona — Hispanic groups are crying foul over a proposed state law that would ban illegal aliens from naming their children Jesus.

“To give our Lord’s name to a baby who could grow up to be a gang member or drug dealer is not just offensive, it’s a form of sacrilege,” says Arthur L. Martinsweld of the American Heritage Research Council, which has endorsed the law. “It’s a slap in the face to Christians.”

Organizations like the Latino-Hispanic Coalition charge that the bill, which could come up for a vote as early as May, is “racist.”

“Jesus is one of the most popular boy names among Hispanics,” claims Julieta Padilla-Munez. “This would be like banning black people from using the last name Washington.”

Proponents of the landmark legislation insist that it’s about religious freedom, not prejudice.

“We shouldn’t let political correctness cloud this debate,” notes Martinsweld. “Despite what liberal secularists like President Obama may tell you, this country was founded on the principle of religious liberty and Judeo-Christian values.

“To force a Christian schoolteacher to address a child as Jesus every day is a violation of her rights.”

MANY Mexican immigrants name their children Jesus.

The law, which is swiftly gathering support in a state known for strong anti-illegal-alien sentiment, will apply only to undocumented aliens and would be retroactive only to 2008. Angry Hispanics vow to take the battle all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, but recent rulings suggest that illegals have limited constitutional rights.

KIDS like this should be allowed to have any name their parents choose, activists argue.

Immigration lawyer Tom Rockferry has suggested a compromise, which would permit the use of the name if the letter H is substituted for J, forming Hesus.

“Everyone on both sides has to step back and take a deep breath,” he suggests. “The truth is Jesus is only the 47th most popular Latino baby name. Even if this law passes as is, it won’t make a huge change.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a "rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp."

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

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