“MY EYES ARE UP HERE, PITIFUL EARTHLING.” Breast augmentation is now commonplace among female space aliens, experts say.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Feeling inadequate compared to well-endowed Earth women, female extraterrestrials are turning to breast implants in increasing numbers, UFO investigators report. Scores of eyewitnesses who’ve had close encounters in the past two years report seeing lady space aliens sporting humongous headlights.
Abductee Ryan Hettles of West Virginia claims that the female E.T. who conducted experiments on him as he lay immobilized on a metal slab was at least a 38-DD.
“They were huge, but at the same time high and perky as a teenager’s, which is what made me suspect they might not be natural,” he told researchers. “And the thing was, she kept leaning over me as if she wanted me to get a real good look at them.
“Her skin was a grayish green and she had a big, bulging forehead. People asked me if she had black, almond-shaped eyes but to be honest, I don’t even remember seeing them. If I hadn’t been paralyzed, I think I would have been tempted to reach out and touch.”
Experts call such accounts a dramatic change from reports dating back to the 1950s that describe gray-type aliens as neuter, with no external genitalia or secondary sexual characteristics. “Mammary glands are either absent or appear to be merely vestigial,” according to a classified Air Force document leaked in 1996.
BEFORE: In years past, female aliens were virtually indistinguishable from males.
A leading UFO researcher believes E.T.s are opting for breast enlargement because decades of observing pop culture images of busty Earthlings have made them insecure and envious.
“Women undergoing cosmetic procedures to resemble those in a society they’ve come in contact with is actually a common phenomenon,” notes Dr. Harold F. Gluckenbaum. “We saw it in cases of Japanese women who had their eyes ‘fixed’ to look more American in the decades following the World War 2, or immigrants from the Middle East who undergo laser hair removal to get rid of their so-called unibrows.
BOMBARDED by images like this one of Star Trek’s Borg beauty Seven of Nine, many female visitors to our planet are now dissatisfied with their bodies.
“What is intriguing to me is that normally females from a less-powerful society imitate the dominant culture, not vice versa. You’d expect alien females from a vastly superior civilization to look down on Earth women, not seek to emulate them. It suggests that some aliens have been hanging around our planet so long, they’ve been brainwashed into accepting our standards of beauty.”
Dr. Gluckenbaum’s theory is borne out by the 2006 case of two Georgia fishermen whose pickup was intercepted on the road by a saucer-shaped craft.
“Three aliens with spindly bodies and long arms got out. The shortest one seemed to be the leader,” recalls Earl Furgam, now 48. “My cousin Bobby gave the small one a friendly wave and said, ‘We’ll take you to our leader if you like. We don’t want any trouble, sir.’
“Soon as the word ‘sir’ came out of his mouth, the alien looked real frustrated and stomped its foot. It pulled this gun out that looked like it came from Star Wars and fired a blue ray that incinerated Bobby on the spot.”
“Afterward I figured that most likely the leader was female. But how were we supposed to know that? She was flat as an ironing board.”
FEMALE E.T.s have also resorted to butt implants, this top secret Air Force photo suggests.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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On “South Park,” Cartman learns that alien probes are no laughing matter — or are they?
By C. Michael Forsyth
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Those embarrassing alien probes you’ve heard so much about serve no legitimate scientific purpose whatsoever — and are conducted purely for kicks, a startling new university study reveals.
“Extraterrestrials first began visiting our planet in the late 1940s,” explains Robert S. Tangeman, PhD, lead author of the 68-page report. “Their technology is hundreds of years more advanced than anything we possess, as evidenced by their achievement of interstellar flight.
“Most likely, they learned everything there is to know about human anatomy within the first four months of their arrival. At the absolute latest, by 1951 their sophisticated scanners had mapped the entire human digestive tract from end to end.
“Therefore, our team has come to the inescapable conclusion that aliens perform these invasive alien probes for entertainment.”
Researchers from the five top universities that participated in the study interviewed 2,506 people who claimed to have been abducted between 1972 and 2010. Though many subjects were initially reluctant to discuss the nitty-gritty details of their alien examination ordeals, a disturbing pattern quickly emerged: Abductees heard strange sounds that sounded distinctly like laughter during the probes.
Mysterious alien probe, now housed at Area 51 museum and gift shop, was recovered from saucer wreck in the 1980s
A typical case is the account of subject Fred B., a husky 45-year-old truck driver from Abilene, Texas.
“When I woke up in this round white room, stark naked and strapped face down over a table, I was terrified,” he told the researchers. “The room was full of weird-looking scientific equipment and there were three little gray men with giant foreheads and black eyes moving around the room.
“I heard this loud humming sound and when I looked over my shoulder, I saw a strange, hose-like thing with a flashing light on the end swimming through the air toward me — making a beeline for my keister.
“I’d read enough supermarket tabloids to know what was coming next. I gritted my teeth and told myself, ‘Well, it’s for the sake of science, and maybe it’ll end up helping understanding and peace between our planet and their’s. So I’ll just have to grin and bear it.’ ”
But midway through the grueling 10-minute check, Fred got an unpleasant surprise.
“I heard this high-pitched tittering sound coming from behind me. At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I heard it again, louder — and all three of them were doing it. The SOBs were laughing hysterically at me!
“You can bet your life I was mad as hell. When they dropped me off near my truck, I thought they might zap my memory, like you hear about. But unfortunately, I remember every minute of that sickening experience.”
Highly respected writer Whitley Strieber gave a chilling true account of his alien-probe ordeal.
Few abductees were willing to discuss the humiliating exams until 1987, when highly respected writer Whitley Strieber detailed his shocking rectal probe by 4-foot-tall, insect-like aliens in his groundbreaking non-fiction book Communion. Since then, hundreds of men and women from around the world have come forward with their own harrowing tales of invasive probes of their most intimate areas.
“When we began our study, I was convinced that the ‘tittering’ sound must actually be some form of language,” said Tangeman. “But we have eyewitness accounts of aliens elbowing each other and literally laughing until they cried.
“There’s really no doubt that the aliens perform these probes because they think our reactions are funny.
“The only upside is that it means that extraterrestrials are much more like humans that we ever knew. They need entertainment and they have a sense of humor — even though that sense of humor is far less sophisticated than you might expect from such a highly evolved civilization.”
“YOU”RE GOING TO PUT WHAT, WHERE?” Milla Vovovich finds herself at the wrong end of an alien probe in “The Fourth Kind.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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