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ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE WOMAN HAS TATTOO OF EVERY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT.   Leave a comment

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincolnl

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincoln.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA – Right-wing talk radio host Debbie Gurvney does more than wear her political views on her sleeve. Her body is covered head to toe with tattoos of every Republican President!

The conservative cutie’s curvaceous caboose is adorned with the faces of the party’s greatest icons Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, while Herbert Hoover, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Ulysses S. Grant and other commanders in chief decorate her skin as well.

The outspoken hottie’s 36-24-36 bod also sports an elephant (the GOP mascot), plus familiar slogans including “Morning in America” and “Mission Accomplished.” And in addition to the presidents, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich holds a special place of honor: her bikini area.

“I thought of having President Bush there for obvious reasons, but I decided that would be disrespectful to the leader who kept us safe for eight years,” Debbie says reverently.

Debbie, 26, freely admits the tattoos are in part a publicity stunt to advertise her nationally syndicated show “Debbie Does D.C.,” scheduled to go on the air in six weeks. But she insists there’s more to it than that.

“It’s my way of showing how committed I am to the cause of conservatism at a time when our freedoms are under attack,” the perky pundit explains.

Debbie got her first tattoo, of George W. Bush,  in high school to show her support for the then-unpopular Iraq war and to thumb her nose at “my peacenik liberal parents.” Since then she’s added another GOP prez every few months.

When the bodacious blonde struts down Miami’s crowded South Beach in a skimpy bikini, she gets plenty of attention – and loves every minute of it.

“It gives me the opportunity to talk about issues such as cap and trade with young male voters who normally couldn’t care less about politics,” she explains. “Many of them don’t know a thing about Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan’s favorite president. But with his face right there between my breasts, it’s easy to bring him up.”

While Debbie adamantly opposes gay marriage, she doesn’t mind that lesbians also drool over her as she stretches out on a beach blanket working on her tan.

“When they ask me about the tattoos, I invite them to have a seat and apply sun block to my back,” says the family-values proponent. “As they’re rubbing lotion on The Gipper and Dubya, it gives me an opportunity to lecture them on the sanctity of traditional marriage and the benefits of conversion therapy.”

Debbie says her role model is famed political commentator Ann Coulter.

“I love that she’s young, attractive and hip, with an irreverent sense of humor,” she says. “I want to show America that not all Republicans are old, rich white men – some of us date old, rich white men!”

Feminists aren’t crazy about the luscious lady’s eye-popping fashion statement. They charge that by using her fabulous figure as a billboard, she’s become little more than a sex object. Debbie pooh poohs that argument.

“It doesn’t surprise me that old-school women’s libbers can’t handle this,” she laughed. “They think that every time a man looks at a pretty girl it’s sexual exploitation. And let’s be honest. Your typical frumpy Democrat woman like Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren couldn’t pull this off. I’m living proof that our women are hotter than their women – and we’re a lot more fun.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this story penned Hour of the Beast , hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

Church Ladies Possessed By Ghost of Town Floozy!   Leave a comment

POSSESSED? Four of the seven church ladies in this photo claim to have been forced to perform unnatural acts by a vengeful ghost. Their faces have been blurred to protect their privacy.

By C. Michael Forsyth

FAIRFIELD, Conn — Four devout church-going women say they are being hounded by the ghost of the neighborhood tramp they drove her death — claiming that she commandeers their bodies and forces them to engage in humiliating sex acts!

When possessed by the spirit of Brigett Hathwerd, the barmaid they ran out of town in 2008, the normally prim and proper church ladies squeeze into tight clothing, apply garish makeup and seek out reckless escapades with strangers. Halloween night is always the worst, and this October 31 was no exception.

“The next morning I woke up in the alley behind a biker bar draped over an overturned garbage can – completely naked,” confided one victim who wished to be identified by her initials C.L. “Every intimate area of my body was sore and my mouth had a disgusting taste in it. I have no recollection of what happened. But now when I walk on the street or shop for groceries, random men with tattoos will grin and wave as if they know me.

“I feel so ashamed. This is a nightmare.”

The odd supernatural saga began in the summer of 2008 when Brigett started to attend the women’s church.

“You could see what she was as soon as you laid eyes on her,” says a second victim, 36-year-old K.R. “The shameless way she dressed, with her bosom all out, the way she walked and the way men looked at her – including the married ones. They flirted with her and it was quite obvious she loved the attention.”

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK: Sexy barmaid Brigett Hathwerd perished in a 2008 car wreck.

Within a few months, rumors began to circulate that the pretty 23-year-old brunette was having affairs with two married men in the church. Incensed, their spouses went to the preacher’s wife – who also suspected the vixen had her claws in her mate.

“We formed a little ‘committee’ and the four of us met over tea,” recalls C.L., 31. “We agreed that we needed to perform an ‘intervention.’ Late one evening, we confronted Brigett at her little trailer home. We said that we knew the kind of person she was and told her in no uncertain terms that we wanted her to leave town. I said that we had evidence that she had received cash gifts from one of the men and she could easily be brought up on prostitution charges.

“My exact words were, ‘You know, we can make things very unpleasant for you. Everything would be in the newspapers. The editor of the local paper is a dear friend.’

“She started to cry and was red in the face, which surprised me because you’d never think that little tart could feel shame. She started stuffing clothes in a suitcase, much to our delight.”

On Halloween night 2008, Brigett sped away from town – and blinded by rain, collided with another vehicle. She succumbed to her injuries in a hospital less than an hour after the wreck.

TOTALLED: Horrific aftermath of collision that killed Brigett Hathwerd.

The troubled young woman’s life had come to a tragic end, but her tormentors’ woes were just beginning.

Reverend James Sedbrook says that three years later to the day on October 31, 2011, his wife Carol – the only victim who agreed that her name appear in print — began to display strange behavior.

“We don’t believe in Halloween, so I was quite surprised to see my wife come into the living room in a very inappropriate maid costume. It showed a shocking amount of cleavage and most of her backside was exposed. She was wearing bright red lipstick and popping bubblegum like a streetwalker in a B movie. But it was her expression that troubled me the most – it just didn’t look like my Carol. Her eyes twinkled in this mischievous way and the smile on those lips was so wicked.

“Well, at first I thought she was just pulling a joke in the spirit of Halloween and I asked what was going on. Then she spoke and her voice wasn’t Carol’s. It was very sultry and familiar somehow, though at first I couldn’t place it. She said, ‘I’m going trick or treating. Maybe I’ll treat some tricks.’ And she giggled.

“Concerned, I told her, ‘I command you as your husband not to go out that door.’ She just smirked, turned around and left the house. As she strutted off, I saw how her bottom was wiggling and I recognized who this being was. My blood ran cold.”

At the very same moment, the husband of the fourth woman, 42-year-old D.W., was experiencing something eerily similar.

“My wife, who has always been very conservative, suddenly began asking for some very unnatural things from me in the bedroom, things no Christian woman would frankly even think of,” he reveals. “I reluctantly complied. The whole night, filth came spewing out of her mouth, I mean cusses that would make a sailor blush. The next morning she apologized with tears in her eyes, saying she didn’t know what came over her. This kept happening about once a week, no matter how hard she prayed or tried to resist. After three months, I knew we needed help and I contacted Rev. Sedbrook.”

THE HOUSE OF THE LORD has become the setting for troubling events, according to a preacher in the peaceful New England town of Fairfield, Conn.

Given what was happening under his own roof, and similar pleas for help from the other couples, it didn’t take the preacher long to put two and two together. He contacted a fellow clergyman experienced in exorcism, hoping to dispel the spirit of the town tramp. But the exorcist’s efforts fell flat.

“When I ordered the evil spirit to leave Carol’s body in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, she just laughed in my face,” says the Reverend Toby Lasbender. “To my horror, she dropped to her knees with a lascivious leer and tried to pull down my pants.”

The ministers are so desperate that last month, they called in a paranormal investigator for assistance.

Surprisingly, Dr. Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research is not yet convinced the supernatural is at work.

“A disembodied human spirit does not have the power of bilocation – in layman’s terms, a ghost can’t be in two places at once, as the late Brigett Hathwerd supposedly has been,” the expert explained.

“This leads me to suspect that we are dealing with a rather typical case of mass hysteria. These victims undoubtedly blame themselves for Brigett’s death. Their subconscious minds may have created this vengeful ‘ghost’ to punish them.”

“Could it be….?” The beloved church lady portrayed by Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live might have an idea who’s responsible for the possessions.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

A TRIFLE INSECURE? Daniel Craig as 007 walks softly and carries a big gun.

In honor of the opening of “Skyfall,” I’ve put together this little Bond quiz. Test your knowledge about 007 and the actors who’ve portrayed him. The first person to answer all 10 questions correctly in the comments section will win 2 free Hour of the Beast T-shirts:

1) In what movie does Bond sing?

2) Bond cries in the movie _____________?

3) In which movie does Bond dress as a clown?

4) Match the 007 actors to the legendary actresses they wooed in non-Bond movies: Lana Turner, Mae West, Merle Oberon.

5) In “You Only Live Twice,” Sean Connery adopts what unlikely disguise?

6) Name three actors from the TV spy series “The Avengers” and the Bond films in which they appear.

7) The title of “Licence to Kill” is unique among Bond flicks because…

8) In what film does 007 first bed a black Bond girl?

9) What is the Bond family motto?

10) In which movie does Bond die?

PS: Leave your email address in your comment so we can get those T-shirts to you.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

ALIEN BREAST IMPLANTS GROWING IN POPULARITY, INVESTIGATORS SAY   Leave a comment

“MY EYES ARE UP HERE, PITIFUL EARTHLING.” Breast augmentation is now commonplace among female space aliens, experts say.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Feeling inadequate compared to well-endowed Earth women, female extraterrestrials are turning to breast implants in increasing numbers, UFO investigators report. Scores of eyewitnesses who’ve had close encounters in the past two years report seeing lady space aliens sporting humongous headlights.

Abductee Ryan Hettles of West Virginia claims that the female E.T. who conducted experiments on him as he lay immobilized on a metal slab was at least a 38-DD.

“They were huge, but at the same time high and perky as a teenager’s, which is what made me suspect they might not be natural,” he told researchers. “And the thing was, she kept leaning over me as if she wanted me to get a real good look at them.

“Her skin was a grayish green and she had a big, bulging forehead. People asked me if she had black, almond-shaped eyes but to be honest, I don’t even remember seeing them. If I hadn’t been paralyzed, I think I would have been tempted to reach out and touch.”

Experts call such accounts a dramatic change from reports dating back to the 1950s that describe gray-type aliens as neuter, with no external genitalia or secondary sexual characteristics. “Mammary glands are either absent or appear to be merely vestigial,” according to a classified Air Force document leaked in 1996.

BEFORE: In years past, female aliens were virtually indistinguishable from males.

A leading UFO researcher believes E.T.s are opting for breast enlargement because decades of observing pop culture images of busty Earthlings have made them insecure and envious.

“Women undergoing cosmetic procedures to resemble those in a society they’ve come in contact with is actually a common phenomenon,” notes Dr. Harold F. Gluckenbaum. “We saw it in cases of Japanese women who had their eyes ‘fixed’ to look more American in the decades following the World War 2, or immigrants from the Middle East who undergo laser hair removal to get rid of their so-called unibrows.

BOMBARDED by images like this one of Star Trek’s Borg beauty Seven of Nine, many female visitors to our planet are now dissatisfied with their bodies.

 

 

“What is intriguing to me is that normally females from a less-powerful society imitate the dominant culture, not vice versa. You’d expect alien females from a vastly superior civilization to look down on Earth women, not seek to emulate them. It suggests that some aliens have been hanging around our planet so long, they’ve been brainwashed into accepting our standards of beauty.”

Dr. Gluckenbaum’s theory is borne out by the 2006 case of two Georgia fishermen whose pickup was intercepted on the road by a saucer-shaped craft.

“Three aliens with spindly bodies and long arms got out. The shortest one seemed to be the leader,” recalls Earl Furgam, now 48. “My cousin Bobby gave the small one a friendly wave and said, ‘We’ll take you to our leader if you like. We don’t want any trouble, sir.’

“Soon as the word ‘sir’ came out of his mouth, the alien looked real frustrated and stomped its foot. It pulled this gun out that looked like it came from Star Wars and fired a blue ray that incinerated Bobby on the spot.”

“Afterward I figured that most likely the leader was female. But how were we supposed to know that? She was flat as an ironing board.”

alien butt augmented_smaller

FEMALE E.T.s have also resorted to butt implants, this top secret Air Force photo suggests.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

AND ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT… The Halloween FREE POSTER special is here!

This month only, purchase a soft or hardcover copy of Hour of the Beast at the Freedom’s Hammer Productions website and we’ll mail you a FREE poster featuring the glorious cover art. Click HERE to order and snap up your copy for $4 off the Amazon price. Reviewers are calling the book “gripping,” “terrifying,” “sexy” and “a good meaty read.”

This beautifully rendered, sexy poster by artist Martin McKenna normally sells for $29.

Cops Will Ticket Subway Riders Who Lean on Poles With Butts   2 comments

New city ordinance will slap a fine on subway riders who rely on their buttocks to stay upright.

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW YORK CITY – Mayor Michael Bloomberg has waged war against soda pop, baby formula and other menaces to society, but now he’s taking a crack at his most formidable foe yet – subway riders who use their butt cheeks to grip the pole!

The crusading mayor plans to slap a hefty $250 fine on any commuter caught holding the metal pole with their buttocks instead of their hands.

“This is a quality of life issue for the citizens of New York and the Mayor takes it very seriously,” said a City Hall source familiar with the plan to be announced next week. “The practice is unsanitary, selfish and uncivil.”

People who lean against poles with their rumps rank high on top ten lists of commuters’ pet peeves.

“These people are essentially placing their anal clefts where I or my child put our hands,” fumed Sandy Glotmeyer, who writes a weekly blog on the New York subway system. “It’s gross. What are these people, especially young women, thinking? You don’t floss your butt crack in public. For God’s sake, at least strippers wipe the poles between their routines.”

Subway riders like these rank No. 1 among fellow commuters’ pet peeves.

The fine, set to go into effect in October, would be doubled for repeat offenders, according to the City Hall source. Many of the culprits are well-endowed females and some don’t see what all the fuss is about.

“Sometimes your hands are occupied and this is the only way to stay upright,” one woman caught in the act by a news crew told a local TV reporter. “I’m sorry, not everyone has perfect balance.”

However comfortable it might be, standing this way on the train is inappropriate and unsanitary, say experts in subway ettiquette.

A photo of Diane Lubetski clenching a pole between her cheeks has made the rounds on the Internet, turning the advertising copy writer into a minor celebrity in the Big Apple. The city dweller dismisses as “haters” those who’ve targeted people who choose this method of standing.

“I’m going to be blunt about it,” said Lubetski, 26. “You can’t stand on the subway this way unless you have something to work with back there. This is all about women with flat butts being jealous.”

Folks like this lady have raised the ire of New York’s mayor.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …
If you found this whimsical story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy the fiction writer’s new novel, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, the unthinkable happens. Then things get out of hand.

Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the motion picture hits the big screen.

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