Archive for the ‘alien abduction’ Tag

How to Tell if You are Being Taken Up in The Rapture or Abducted by a UFO   Leave a comment

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

A tingling sensation runs through your body, a bright beam of light envelops you, and you feel yourself being pulled from the Earth into the sky. You are elated because you’re being taken up in The Rapture … or are you being abducted by a UFO?

It can be maddeningly difficult to distinguish the two experiences — yet it’s critical that you know how, says a top expert.

“You need to know whether to prepare yourself to meet God face to face, or brace yourself for an alien probe,” points out Christian paranormal investigator Herbert W. Leningale.

Here, from the researcher, are eight ways to tell if you’re being beamed up to Heaven or to a flying saucer:

1) MUSIC — Being swept up in the Rapture is likely to be accompanied by angelic music, as the Lord’s heavenly harpists greet the newcomers. In contrast, alien abductees have reported hearing five distinct musical notes, similar to those in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

2) ABILITY TO MOVE – If you feel yourself paralyzed, unable to move however much you struggle, and unable to even scream, chances are you are experiencing an alien abduction. If you are able to happily wave goodbye down to neighbors who’ve been left behind, it’s more likely you are Heaven-bound.

3) COMPLETE NUDITY – Are you in your birthday suit? Experts agree that folks lucky enough to be picked for the Rapture will leave their clothes behind, and will arrive in Heaven naked as the day they were born. Alien abductees remain fully dressed, at least until the E.T.’s commence their scientific exams.

4) NUMBER OF LIGHTS – Squint up into the light you’re traveling toward. Can you make out eight or more separate lights in a circular pattern? Those are probably the landing lights of a flying saucer. Rapture light will be a single, powerful beam.

5) FELLOW TRAVELERS – Glance around to see whether other people are rising in bright beams. It’s expected that 144,000 true believers will be bodily drawn up to Heaven. So unless you live in a town full of sinners and atheists, you’ll have some company on the trip. If you’re flying solo, odds are this is an abduction experience.

6) LOUD NOISES – Listen for the sounds of car crashes in the distance. When the Rapture occurs, the Select will abruptly vanish from their cars, leading to scores of fender benders. During a UFO abduction, you may instead hear military aircraft firing upon the unidentified craft.

7) TEMPERATURE – A pleasurable warmth akin to a hot bath should soothe you on the express route to Heaven. Most alien abductees describe the UFO tractor beam as so chilly they get goosebumps.

8) EMOTIONS – If you’re being taken up in The Rapture, you will be filled with a feeling of ecstasy and well-being. A sense of dread typically accompanies UFO abduction.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

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TSA OFFICIALS FIND ALIEN IMPLANT DURING BODY CAVITY SEARCH!   2 comments

MYSTERIOUS gizmo is not of this Earth, Air Force investigator claims.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — Talk about a close encounter! Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport reportedly recovered a mysterious alien implant – during the routine body-cavity search of a female passenger!

The 2.5 centimeter object is made of an as yet unidentified metal alloy, says a source close to the investigation.

“We haven’t begun to understand what its purpose is,” said the source. “However, we have ascertained that it is emitting leptons, subatomic particles that can be generated by current Earth science only with the aid of a massive particle accelerator. One theory is that the device is designed to send and receive signals outside the boundaries of three-dimensional space.”

The bizarre discovery has been hushed up by officials and the investigation has been turned over to the U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, often referred to as the “real-life Men in Black.” But before the blanket of secrecy was thrown over the case, TSA supervisor Dan Houstlin told reporters he was flabbergasted to learn that the space gizmo had been retrieved from the 31-year-old passenger’s rectum.

“In the past, we’ve found drugs, missing ‘toys’ in gay men, even small exotic animals people tried to smuggle into the country,” he said. “But in my 14 years on the job, not anything remotely like this.”

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL: A body-cavity search can be quite invasive, as demonstrated by these actors on the cagedtushy.com website.

The passenger Debbie, whose last name is being withheld at the request of authorities, says she was taken aback when TSA workers pulled her aside after she passed through a full-body scanner.

“They told me that something had shown up and I was going to have to be searched,” she told a reporter after the incident.

The Hollywood casting agent, who was returning from a vacation in Caracas, was escorted to a small room where three female guards ordered her to strip everything off, “even your false eyelashes.”

“It was very embarrassing,” Debbie said. “They used flashlights to look in my hair, my mouth, my ears. They made me spread my legs a few feet apart and bend over at the waist. Then I had to clap my hands on my cheeks and pull them apart.

“One TSA woman said she couldn’t see well enough and told me to spread wider. She claimed she still couldn’t see and ordered me to ‘open up’ even wider. I was surprised when I heard her say, ‘What the hell is THAT?’ ”

The TSA agents – often called America’s first line of defense in the war on terror — murmured as they took turns inspecting with their penlights, craning for a better look.

“We could see what looked like a foreign object and called for a nurse to perform the more invasive, manual cavity search,” one of the security officers revealed on the condition of anonymity.

“The procedure took a few minutes because the nurse had to go in very deep. We all stood watching, curious to see what she would find. Eventually she stood up holding this small, strange-looking metallic object.”

The object was whisked away for examination by the secretive U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, which imposed a total press blackout on the case.

FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE: Making sure passengers are properly searched is a TSA agent’s most solemn duty.

Dr. Kevin Hastlekin, a respected UFO investigator and leading authority on alien implants, says the mysterious device was likely put in place by E.T.s as the woman slept, perhaps as long as 10 years ago.

“Every time the government gets its hands on one of these objects, it’s an opportunity to advance science,” he observes. “We may be able to solve questions in the field of quantum mechanics that have baffled physicists for decades.”

The frazzled passenger is now undergoing a battery of physical and psychological tests to determine what if any effects the extraterrestrial gadget might have had on her. Although admitting she found the cavity search grueling, she’s grateful to the airport staff who extracted the implant.

“I’m just glad that weird thing isn’t in me anymore,” she said. “The whole experience has me very creeped out.”

A GIANT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR the size of a warehouse is usually needed to produce the amount of leptons emitted by the tiny alien device.

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The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

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ALIEN BREAST IMPLANTS GROWING IN POPULARITY, INVESTIGATORS SAY   Leave a comment

“MY EYES ARE UP HERE, PITIFUL EARTHLING.” Breast augmentation is now commonplace among female space aliens, experts say.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Feeling inadequate compared to well-endowed Earth women, female extraterrestrials are turning to breast implants in increasing numbers, UFO investigators report. Scores of eyewitnesses who’ve had close encounters in the past two years report seeing lady space aliens sporting humongous headlights.

Abductee Ryan Hettles of West Virginia claims that the female E.T. who conducted experiments on him as he lay immobilized on a metal slab was at least a 38-DD.

“They were huge, but at the same time high and perky as a teenager’s, which is what made me suspect they might not be natural,” he told researchers. “And the thing was, she kept leaning over me as if she wanted me to get a real good look at them.

“Her skin was a grayish green and she had a big, bulging forehead. People asked me if she had black, almond-shaped eyes but to be honest, I don’t even remember seeing them. If I hadn’t been paralyzed, I think I would have been tempted to reach out and touch.”

Experts call such accounts a dramatic change from reports dating back to the 1950s that describe gray-type aliens as neuter, with no external genitalia or secondary sexual characteristics. “Mammary glands are either absent or appear to be merely vestigial,” according to a classified Air Force document leaked in 1996.

BEFORE: In years past, female aliens were virtually indistinguishable from males.

A leading UFO researcher believes E.T.s are opting for breast enlargement because decades of observing pop culture images of busty Earthlings have made them insecure and envious.

“Women undergoing cosmetic procedures to resemble those in a society they’ve come in contact with is actually a common phenomenon,” notes Dr. Harold F. Gluckenbaum. “We saw it in cases of Japanese women who had their eyes ‘fixed’ to look more American in the decades following the World War 2, or immigrants from the Middle East who undergo laser hair removal to get rid of their so-called unibrows.

BOMBARDED by images like this one of Star Trek’s Borg beauty Seven of Nine, many female visitors to our planet are now dissatisfied with their bodies.

 

 

“What is intriguing to me is that normally females from a less-powerful society imitate the dominant culture, not vice versa. You’d expect alien females from a vastly superior civilization to look down on Earth women, not seek to emulate them. It suggests that some aliens have been hanging around our planet so long, they’ve been brainwashed into accepting our standards of beauty.”

Dr. Gluckenbaum’s theory is borne out by the 2006 case of two Georgia fishermen whose pickup was intercepted on the road by a saucer-shaped craft.

“Three aliens with spindly bodies and long arms got out. The shortest one seemed to be the leader,” recalls Earl Furgam, now 48. “My cousin Bobby gave the small one a friendly wave and said, ‘We’ll take you to our leader if you like. We don’t want any trouble, sir.’

“Soon as the word ‘sir’ came out of his mouth, the alien looked real frustrated and stomped its foot. It pulled this gun out that looked like it came from Star Wars and fired a blue ray that incinerated Bobby on the spot.”

“Afterward I figured that most likely the leader was female. But how were we supposed to know that? She was flat as an ironing board.”

alien butt augmented_smaller

FEMALE E.T.s have also resorted to butt implants, this top secret Air Force photo suggests.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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ALIEN PROBES JUST FOR LAUGHS, SCIENTISTS DISCOVER   Leave a comment

 

cartmangetsananalprobe

On “South Park,” Cartman learns that alien probes are no laughing matter — or are they?

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Those embarrassing alien probes you’ve heard so much about serve no legitimate scientific purpose whatsoever — and are conducted purely for kicks, a startling new university study reveals.

“Extraterrestrials first began visiting our planet in the late 1940s,” explains Robert S. Tangeman, PhD, lead author of the 68-page report. “Their technology is hundreds of years more advanced than anything we possess, as evidenced by their achievement of interstellar flight.

“Most likely, they learned everything there is to know about human anatomy within the first four months of their arrival. At the absolute latest, by 1951 their sophisticated scanners had mapped the entire human digestive tract from end to end.

“Therefore, our team has come to the inescapable conclusion that aliens perform these invasive alien probes for entertainment.”

Researchers from the five top universities that participated in the study interviewed 2,506 people who claimed to have been abducted between 1972 and 2010. Though many subjects were initially reluctant to discuss the nitty-gritty details of their alien examination ordeals, a disturbing pattern quickly emerged: Abductees heard strange sounds that sounded distinctly like laughter during the probes.

Mysterious alien probe, now housed at Area 51 museum and gift shop, was recovered from saucer wreck in the 1980s

A typical case is the account of subject Fred B., a husky 45-year-old truck driver from Abilene, Texas.

“When I woke up in this round white room, stark naked and strapped face down over a table, I was terrified,” he told the researchers. “The room was full of weird-looking scientific equipment and there were three little gray men with giant foreheads and black eyes moving around the room.

“I heard this loud humming sound and when I looked over my shoulder, I saw a strange, hose-like thing with a flashing light on the end swimming through the air toward me — making a beeline for my keister.

“I’d read enough supermarket tabloids to know what was coming next. I gritted my teeth and told myself, ‘Well, it’s for the sake of science, and maybe it’ll end up helping understanding and peace between our planet and their’s. So I’ll just have to grin and bear it.’ ”

But midway through the grueling 10-minute check, Fred got an unpleasant surprise.

“I heard this high-pitched tittering sound coming from behind me. At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I heard it again, louder — and all three of them were doing it. The SOBs were laughing hysterically at me!

“You can bet your life I was mad as hell. When they dropped me off near my truck, I thought they might zap my memory, like you hear about. But unfortunately, I remember every minute of that sickening experience.”

Highly respected writer Whitley Strieber gave a chilling true account of his alien-probe ordeal.

Few abductees were willing to discuss the humiliating exams until 1987, when highly respected writer Whitley Strieber detailed his shocking rectal probe by 4-foot-tall, insect-like aliens in his groundbreaking non-fiction book Communion. Since then, hundreds of men and women from around the world have come forward with their own harrowing tales of invasive probes of their most intimate areas.

“When we began our study, I was convinced that the ‘tittering’ sound must actually be some form of language,” said Tangeman. “But we have eyewitness accounts of aliens elbowing each other and literally laughing until they cried.

“There’s really no doubt that the aliens perform these probes because they think our reactions are funny.

“The only upside is that it means that extraterrestrials are much more like humans that we ever knew. They need entertainment and they have a sense of humor — even though that sense of humor is far less sophisticated than you might expect from such a highly evolved civilization.”

“YOU”RE GOING TO PUT WHAT, WHERE?” Milla Vovovich finds herself at the wrong end of an alien probe in “The Fourth Kind.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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The Bigger Your Butt, the More Likely You Are to Be Abducted by Aliens, Study Shows   3 comments

Big Butt Alien

HEIGHTNED RISK: Full-figured females have twice the chance of being abducted by aliens.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — It turns out that E.T. and Sir Mix-A-Lot have something in common. They both prefer women with big butts!

Females who sport oversized fannies are twice as likely to be kidnapped by aliens as their flat-bottomed counterparts, an eye-opening six-year study reveals.

“We examined 2,400 women who claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials,” says Dr. Anthony Gamoire, co-author of the report. “We found that 66.7 percent of the subjects had larger than average buttocks, compared to 33.3 percent whose rear ends were medium or small.”

In conducting the study, scientists measured the women from head to toe, everything from the diameter of their eyelashes to the length of their femurs. These dimensions were then compared to national averages.

“One other parameter, the width of the left pinky toe, rose above statistical significance, but the correlation between buttock size and abduction was simply astounding,” explains Dr. Gamoire, based in Cambridge, Mass.

While the study does not address males, a similar research project conducted in 1994 demonstrated a link between the length of a man’s neck and his alien-abduction risk.

Ufologists are thrilled that scientists are finally getting to the bottom of the abduction phenomenon, but some women who participated in the study are miffed at the results.

“Being abducted by aliens three years ago was the most traumatic experience of my life,” says 31-year-old Cathy M., of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Now they’re telling me my butt’s too big?”

Despite the alarming statistics, the expert says that gals with extra junk in their trunks shouldn’t panic.

“Bear in mind, alien abduction is an exceedingly rare phenomenon,” Dr. Gamoire points out. “Even if you have a backside the size of Oprah Winfrey’s, the odds of being taken aboard a flying saucer are an estimated 1 in 4,326,175 — approximately the same as the chance of getting bitten by a rabid chipmunk.

“I would only suggest that well-endowed ladies take common sense precautions, as I’ve advised my own wife to do. If you visit a known UFO hot spot, such as Sedona, Ariz., Bonnybridge, Scotland or Punxsutawney, Pa., avoid wearing clothing that brings undue attention to your ‘assets.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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