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Ban Vampire Conversion Therapy, Activists Demand   Leave a comment

RECKLESS? Devampirizing treatment shown in movie Near Dark is risky and unsanitary, critics charge

By C. Michael Forsyth

Activists are condemning a controversial form of conversion therapy that supposedly cures vampires!

Practitioners of the unorthodox technique—which involves total blood replacement via transfusion—claim that it has successfully restored dozens of bloodsuckers to normal. But critics charge that the practice is dangerous and they call the therapists little more than snake oil salesmen.

“These quacks are promoting a so-called cure that is scientifically unsound, ineffective and potentially lethal,” blasts Oliver Shursman, executive director of the American Blood Drinkers Association. 

“Many newly turned vampires are emotionally vulnerable, full of confusion and self-loathing. The last thing they need is some charlatan reinforcing the idea that there’s something ‘wrong’ with them and holding out false hope that they can be fixed.”

The trend is driven by Sanguivoriphobia, the irrational fear of and dislike for vampires, he says. “This is bigotry disguised as medicine.”

The therapy, which has not yet received FDA approval, is being carried out in at least six facilities located in Florida and Georgia. The units receive funding principally from evangelical churches and family values organizations. Four of the facilities operate under the banner Soul Restoration Centers and are owned by Dr. Budd Koarski of Tallahassee, FL, who is widely viewed as the father of the devampirizing movement.

Dr. Koarksi reveals he got the brainstorm eight years ago at a Halloween party after watching the movie Near Dark (1987) in which an old country veterinarian cures his son and the boy’s girlfriend of vampirism through transfusions.

“When I saw that scene, I was surprised because I’d never thought something so simple and obvious could work,” he explains. “It took some digging through obscure old books and articles on vampirism, but sure enough, I found that back in the Depression era, backwoods doctors in Louisiana used the technique to heal vampirism sufferers and return them to their families.”

Dr. Koarski claims that some 28 vampires have been successfully converted at his facilities alone since 2015.   

“These had been predators who were hopelessly stuck in the degrading vampire lifestyle, living like feral animals in squalid abandoned buildings and hunting at night,” he says. “Now they are healthy, productive members of society who walk around in daylight–and many even attend church regularly,” he says.

 “One man brought to us by family members had been living as a vampire since 1977. When he realized he had been liberated from this evil curse after so many decades, he wept tears of joy and hugged all the staff at the facility.”

OLD SCHOOL: Transfusions were used to combat vampirism outbreaks in the 1930s

However, critics say that the effects of introducing massive quantities of human blood to a vampire intravenously have not been adequately tested. And they point to a notorious 2011 incident in Mobile, Ala., where a vampire spontaneously combusted during a transfusion.

“Dr. Koarski is not a medical doctor or even a vet,” Shursman observes. “As I understand it, he has a Ph.D in music. He and his ilk have no business dispensing medical advice, let alone running medical facilities treating one of the most complex and little-understood conditions in the world.”

The  American Blood Drinkers Association and several other vampire-rights organizations are calling for Florida Governor DeSantis, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp and state lawmakers to pass a bill outlawing the vampire conversion therapy until studies prove the procedure is safe. Until that happens, Dr. Koarski plans to keep curing vampires at his centers and he has plans to soon expand into four additional states.

“Our goal is to cure 100 vampires by the end of this year and 250 the year after that,” he declares.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new project…



In the two-part graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.

Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel

Zombies to Replace Migrant Farm Workers   Leave a comment

ZOMBIE farm labor is expected to outpace migrant labor by 2019.

ZOMBIE farm labor is expected to outpace migrant labor by 2019.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Most ordinary folks see the widening zombie epidemic with fear — but corporate America sees big profits! Agribusiness giants are gradually replacing migrant workers with zombie farm workers who can pick fruit, lettuce and other crops at a fraction of the cost.

“There are many jobs that living Americans won’t do, and undocumented aliens will do but only if compensated financially,” explained an industry insider. “Zombies don’t demand pay, don’t require rest breaks, don’t need healthcare or other benefits and don’t burden an employer when injured on the job. If they lose a hand on a piece of farm equipment they just keep going.”

Legislation now wending its way through Congress will help smooth the transition from illegal alien to zombie labor. If signed into law, House of Representatives Bill 8263, The American Protection of Personhood Act, would define a person as “a human being not capable of sustaining life when shot through the heart or other vital organs apart from the brain.”

“The language excludes zombies from labor laws,” the insider explained. “That means that zombie laborers are exempt from the minimum wage, workplace safety rules, limitations on hours, the Family Leave Act and other cumbersome Federal regulations.”

Not having to worry about government red tape will help the farm industry compete with foreign food producers, analysts say.

“This is just the kind of boost the U.S. economy could use right now,” says economist Gerard N. Lunkster.

OLD SCHOOL: Zombies have worked the fields of Haiti since the early 1800s.

OLD SCHOOL: Zombies have worked the fields of Haiti since the early 1800s.

The first known use of zombie labor in the western hemisphere was in Haiti in the early 1800s when they were commonly seen harvesting sugarcane. The Haitian government imposed a ban on their use in the 1960s.

“Contrary to what you may have seen in the cinema and on TV, real zombies are quite docile when fed and cared for properly,” said an expert. “They are well suited to farm work. Attempts to train them to do jobs requiring more manual dexterity, such as assembly line work, have by and large been unsuccessful.”

Labor leaders are fighting the bill tooth and nail, warning that employing zombies will displace living workers. But farm industry lobbyists dismiss those concerns.

“Don’t worry about jobless people — zombies need to eat don’t they?” joked the insider. “Just kidding. But seriously, if some unemployed vagrant does trespass on a farm trying to steal food or looking for a handout, and winds up a meal, that’s not the farmer’s concern. You can’t prosecute zombies for homicide because they’re not legally people.”

UNLIKE the vicious creatures in TV shows like "The Walking Dead," most real zombies are docile, compliant and unlikely to strike.

UNLIKE the vicious creatures in TV shows like “The Walking Dead,” most real zombies are docile, compliant and unlikely to strike.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.

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