Archive for the ‘parody’ Tag

UNIVERSITY SCIENTISTS CONFIRM EXISTENCE OF SUB-MICROAGGRESSIONS.   1 comment

Voice stress

SOUNDWAVES DON’T LIE: Computer program pinpoints hidden sarcasm, insincerity or hostility.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.

“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”

Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”

“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”

Micro 1

MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.

Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.

For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.

“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”

The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.

“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”

The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges  across the country.

micro 2

“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Activists Set to Trim L from LGBTQ   Leave a comment

LG

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — Activists are struggling to whittle down the unwieldy acronym LGBTQ – and surprisingly, the letter L is most likely to get the ax!

“All lesbians are gay, so the L is redundant,” explains linguist Newton Brishol, who is advising activists. “It’s why we don’t need an H for homosexual. G covers both male and female gay people quite neatly.”

The long and cumbersome acronym is a source of confusion for many Americans. Some, for example, believe the Q stands for “queer,” while others insist it stands for “questioning.”

“It’s obvious the acronym needs to be shortened for clarity’s sake, but it’s hard to get a consensus on where to trim,” says one top leader. “We’re bending over backward to please everyone.”

Some gay women are furious that the L in L word could be headed for the chopping block.

“If any letter is going to get the boot, it should be Q,” fumes feminist author and activist Kandella Fornqusit. “People who are just ‘questioning’ don’t deserve their own letter, I’m sorry. You’re basically handing out a letter that says, ‘Might actually be straight.’”

While most leaders agree the acronym needs pruning, others contend it should actually be lengthened to be more inclusive. Possible additions that have been run up the flagpole include:

A = Asexual — Attracted to neither sex
C = Closeted — Refuses to admit being gay
D = Drunken — Has gay sex after multiple beers
E = Experimented — Had brief gay stint at college
F = Faux Lesbian — Makes out with other girls at clubs to attract attention
G = Genderless — Does not identify with either gender
H = Hustler — Will have gay sex, but only for money. (Others say H should be for Hermaphrodite).
I = Intersex — Born with both male and female genitalia
M = Mistaken for gay — Man who is “too good looking,” hates sports, or speaks with an English accent. (Alternatively, M for Ménage – Wife who will go bi for a three-way on husband’s birthday)
N = Narcissist — Only attracted to self
O = One timer — Tried gay sex once and hated it, like Hugh Hefner
P = Prisoner — Resorts to homosexuality while serving time, AKA “gay for the stay”
R = Really thinks being bisexual sounds cool.
S = Star struck — would engage in same-sex relations with just one celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt
U = Ugly — Too unattractive to get the chance to sleep with anyone, male or female.
V = Vulnerable — Gay, but could easily be flipped
W = Would make a great lesbian. Shorthaired, athletic, tomboyish, but straight
X = X-rated — Turned on by gay porn but won’t try it

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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NEW SENSITIVITY CLASSES TEACH HOW TO AVOID OFFENDING BIGOTS   Leave a comment

archie-bunker

Archie Bunker of TV’S “All in the Family” was America’s most beloved bigot.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLESTON — Across America, corporations are now bringing in consultants to teach “sensitivity classes” that train liberals to be more tolerant of bigots.

“When a left-leaning employee calls a coworker ‘racist’ or ‘sexist,’ that’s incredibly hurtful,” explains Cindy Haltcress, whose firm conducts Political Diversity Training seminars throughout the southeast. “You risk creating a hostile work environment, something our clients naturally want to avoid. You should never use the term bigoted, for example. The preferred term is ‘tolerance challenged.’

“Or course, we’re not saying you have to laugh when someone tells an anti-Muslim joke, but certainly you should smile. You never want a coworker to feel judged or marginalized.”

Companies typically shell out between $1,500 and $3,500 for half-day sessions, but weekend retreats can set them back as much as $26,000.

Here, from the expert, are eight terms to steer clear of, and less-offensive alternatives:

Racist = “Not really into the whole multicultural thing”
Sexist = “Sees gender roles traditionally”
Homophobic = “Likes a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman”
Anti-Muslim = “Pro-Christian”
Anti-semitic = “Not fond of those New Yorker types.”
Xenophobic = “Puts America first”
Prejudiced = “Has an old-fashioned world view”
Transphobic = “Doesn’t get that Bruce Jenner stuff”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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CALIFORNIA TEEN IDENTIFIES AS MERMAID.   Leave a comment

Splash

GORGEOUS Daryl Hannah played a mermaid in the 1984 movie Splash.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

MALIBU — Cheyenne Potensky, 19, is set to undergo a $300,000 procedure in which doctors will fuse her legs together and permanently attach a prosthetic fish tail — to turn her into a real life mermaid.

And although the pretty teen won’t go through the painful series of operations until next year, she already considers herself a mermaid — and is demanding that her birth certificate be changed to say so.

“Being a mermaid isn’t about having a tail. It’s about your spirit,” she explains. “In the movie The Little Mermaid, the Sea Witch Ursula puts a spell on Ariel so she can walk on land, but she’s still a mermaid, legs or no legs.”

Cheyenne has been cruelly dubbed a “mermaid wannabe” by some in the local press, which upsets and infuriates her.

“This one reporter wrote that I can’t even swim, but that’s not true. I can’t swim underwater. And that’s only because I have trouble holding my breath. I’m taking lessons and by the time I transition, I know I’ll be able to stay under at least a minute, which is more than most people.”

feet water

CHEYENNE still sports human legs — for now.

 

Experts are divided over whether or not Cheyenne should be categorized as a “real” mermaid.

“There’s more to being a mermaid than simply having a fish tail,” points out folklorist James K. Youdway. “In legends, the sea creatures have their own language and traditions. Unless Miss Potensky sits on a rock and lures sailors to their doom by her seductive singing, I’m not sure she should be considered a true mermaid.”

Marine biologist Dr. Sandy Paetel disagrees. “If she has a fish tail and spends all her time in the water, she is for all intents and purposes a mermaid,” she says. “It’s like those living people who are obsessed with drinking human blood. Even though they have no supernatural powers, they’re by definition vampires.”

George “Rusty” Bimmit, a 69-year-old local fisherman and neighbor, scoffs at the notion that Cheyenne is a mermaid, and stubbornly refuses to call her one.

“If Bubbles the Chimp falls in the ocean, that doesn’t make him a sea monkey,” the ornery oldster argues. “I’ll consider that nutcase a mermaid when she not only has a scaly tail, she also has gills.”

Cheyenne calls that kind of talk plain ignorant.

“That just proves Rusty’s total lack of understanding,” she insists. “Mermaids don’t have gills. They come up for air just like dolphins, because they’re mammals. Or didn’t he notice what’s under Ariel’s seashell bra?”

Little m

MERMAIDS like Ariel are mammals, Cheyenne claims.

 

The waitress, who plans to sell a family home she inherited to pay for the surgery, says she’s been obsessed with mermaids ever since she saw the movie
Splash at age 6. Her parents had to spend a small fortune on mermaid toys, lunch boxes and wallpaper, and she went trick-o’-treating in a mermaid costume every Halloween.

“I came out as a mermaid in 2009,” she reveals. “It took my parents a long time to accept it, but thankfully they did, just a few months before they died in a tandem parasailing accident.”

If Cheyenne goes through with the complex procedure docs call mermaidoplasty, she’ll be one of only six people in the world who’ve done so, most recently a 32-year-old “merman” in Thailand.

In addition, numerous performers wear removable mermaid tails as costumes. Perhaps the most famous is a Florida woman born Melissa Dawn, who legally changed her name to Mermaid Melissa and performs at aquariums, corporate events, and poolside parties, sporting a 60-pound artificial tail.

Fiji Mermaid

The famous Fiji Mermaid was first put on display in 1822.

 

Most marine biologists consider mermaids mythical creatures — despite myriad “mermaid skeletons” that have been put on display in museums and sideshows worldwide after supposedly washing ashore. However, there is a rare birth defect known as Mermaid Syndrome in which the legs are fused together, giving them the appearance of a mermaid’s tail. This condition, also called Sirenomelia, occurs in roughly one out of every 100,000 live births.

“Tragically, most die in infancy,” says Dr. Paetel. “Otherwise, that would mean each year about 130 of such ‘mermaids’ would be born, and if they were trained to swim, in 25 years we’d have enough to populate the Indian Ocean.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Now People Who DON’T Think They’re Being Watched by the Government are Nuts, Psychiatrists Say.   Leave a comment

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW YORK — Psychiatrists have identified a bizarre mental disorder that causes people to believe they’re NOT being watched and monitored by the government.

Victims of the syndrome – known as Surveillance Denial Disorder– suffer from the delusion that their emails, Internet searches, texts and phone calls are completely private. And they refuse to acknowledge the hundreds of pubic cameras capturing their every move.

“This goes far beyond normal naivety,” explains Dr. Byron Virolosky, a leading psychiatrist. “It is as if these individuals believe they are invisible to the government. When confronted with concrete evidence that someone is always watching them, they will make irrational statements such as ‘That’s ridiculous, we live in America’ or “This is a free country.’”

Roger H., 45, a fiction writer, first began exhibiting symptoms of the peculiar condition in February 2015.

“The patient’s wife reports that one morning he did a Google search for ‘cross-country skiing,’ and an hour later, noticed that ads for cross-country skis started popping up on his Facebook page. He told her, ‘Wasn’t that an odd coincidence?’ At first she thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.”

Over the succeeding months, the father of two showed increasingly disturbing signs that he couldn’t perceive even the most blatant signs of corporate and government spying.

The straw that broke the camel’s came last August, when the author was researching a spy novel — and conducted an Internet search with the keywords “How Build Dirty Bomb.” His wife asked him if he wasn’t worried that the peculiar search might cause government agents to suspect he was a terrorist.

“Roger looked at her with a puzzled expression, and asked, ‘How would anyone know?’” revealed the expert.

That’s when Roger’s wife knew she had to get him the professional help he so desperately needed.

“She realized his behavior was putting himself and the family at risk,” the psychiatric noted. “What if the search had triggered an armed Homeland Security raid on the house?”

Cameras

CAMERAS in public locations help ensure public safety.

Fortunately the mental illness responds to a cocktail of psychiatric drugs, combined with weekly therapy sessions.

“Roger is thinking much more clearly now, he’s returned to reality,” the shrink said.

Exoerts say the condition is similar to pronoia, or reverse-paranoia, in which patients believe everyone in the world is conspiring to make their lives better.

“In both cases, people see the world through rose-colored glasses,” Dr. Virolosky said.

Big bother

MANY years ago, believing you were being watched by government agents was considered a sign of insanity. Now it’s just the reverse!

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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If you found this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy one of his novels, such as The Identity Thief.

IDENTITY_THIEF_-_COVER_-_front

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

DRACULA’S GAY SHAME: Historian Finds Skeleton in Vlad’s Closet.   1 comment

HERO or HOMOPHOBE? Prince Vlad, AKA Dracula, had mixed record on human rights.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Vlad the Impaler, better known as Dracula, took a shameful secret to his grave. He murdered his own kid brother because he was gay!

“Contrary to popular belief, the real-life Dracula was not a vampire,” reveals Romanian historian Eugen Croitoru. “Quite the opposite, the 15th century warlord was one of history’s most prolific vampire slayers — impaling as many as 100,000 of the undead on wooden stakes during his reign.

“His younger brother Radu WAS, however a vampire, and Vlad drove a stake through his heart with his own hands. Not because Radu drank blood — but rather because he was a homosexual.”

GENTLE Radu the Handsome was easily seduced into vampirism.

Prince Vlad III of Wallachia, upon whom author Bram Stoker based the aristocratic bloodsucker of his novel Dracula, is regarded as a national hero by Romanian historians.

That’s because he singlehandedly repelled the Ottoman Empire’s invasion of their homeland and thus prevented the Muslim Turks from overrunning Europe. The fact that the invading Turkish army was infested with vampires is left out of most accounts.

“Just as Australian historians play down the country’s origins as a penal colony, most Romanian historians are embarrassed to talk about vampirism,” explains Croitoru. “But trying to keep vampires out of the Vlad story is like trying to tell the story of Native Americans without bringing up buffaloes.”

Prince Vlad is a national hero in Romania.

Vlad III was born in Transylvania, a region adjacent to Wallachia in what is now Romania, in 1431. His moniker Dracula meant “son of the Dragon.” While he had two older half-brothers, he was closest to his sweet and gentle kid brother, aptly named Radu the Handsome.

“Vlad and Radu were inseparable,” recounts Croitoru. “They spent their early years playing ‘soldier’ and other games together in their mother’s home. But when the boys were in their early teens, their father agreed to send them as hostages to the Ottoman court, to keep peace with the Sultan.”

The Sultan had promised the young princes would not be harmed, but soon after they arrived, he demanded that they renounce their Christian faith and drink vampire blood.

“Vlad defiantly refused. He was tossed in an underground dungeon where he was whipped and beaten daily,” says Croitoru. “But, despite years of torture, he never cracked.

“His softer, younger brother Radu didn’t have the strength to resist. He eventually knuckled under and converted to Islam. He also allowed himself to be bitten and to drink the blood of the Sultan’s son Mehmed II, who, according to the historical record, was a vampire.

“Vlad was horrified and heartbroken when guards gleefully told him that his brother had not only become a Muslim but a vampire as well.

“But if he had known the full story, he would have been even more mortified. Mehmed was gay, and Radu’s pretty face and pale skin caught his eye. He seduced Radu, converting him into a homosexual too.”

Vlad managed to get free, but Radu — now a full-fledged vampire — chose to remain behind. He became a member of the Ottoman court and a fawning minion of his vampire “sire” Mehmed II. When Mehmed’s father died and he was crowned the new Sultan, he put his sweetheart Radu in charge of a battalion made up largely of fearsome undead troops.

After Vlad’s father and his older brothers were killed by the enemy, Vlad inherited the throne of Wallachia and took a bride — only to learn that the Mehmed II had dispatched Radu and his unholy army of darkness to destroy him.

“Radu did his master’s bidding without mercy,” says Croitoru. “When Vlad was away fighting, Radu’s battalion besieged his castle. Vlad’s wife learned that she was to about be taken prisoner and forcibly vampirized.

“She bravely hurled herself from the tower into the Argeș River, declaring that she would rather ‘rot and be eaten by the fish’ than join the ranks of the undead. When Vlad later learned his own brother was responsible, he was devastated — yet knew that as a victim of vampirism himself, Radu was not truly to blame.”

GAY vampire Sultan Mehmed II aimed to conquer Eastern Europe.

With immensely strong and hard-to-kill vampires now making up an estimated one-third of his forces, Mehmed II became unstoppable. After capturing Constantinople in 1453, his armies marched through the Balkans, killing or converting all those who stood in his way. His goal was to drive out Christianity and turn all of Europe into a bastion of evil.

But Vlad had other ideas.

“He transformed Wallachia’s joke of an army into a formidable fighting force, and created a militia of peasants to fend off the invaders,” says Croitoru. “Though vastly outnumbered, he mounted a fierce guerilla campaign against the Turks.”

The Sultan dispatched an army 12,000 men strong to conquer Wallachia, led by a high-ranking vampire lord named Hamza Pasha.

“When the troops were marching through a narrow pass north of Giurgiu, Vlad staged an ambush. The Wallachians showed no mercy. The vampires were all caught and impaled on wooden stakes, with their general Hamza Pasha impaled on the highest stake as a message to the Sultan.”

VAMPIRE SLAYER Vlad the Impaler earns his nickname as he oversees the mass execution of hundreds of captured Turkish blood drinkers.

Vlad went on the offensive, annihilating enemy troops from Serbia to the Black Sea. He constantly organized small surprise attacks on the Turks, using bold tricks not unlike those later employed by America’s Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox.

“Disguising themselves in the traditional garb of Turkish vampire warriors, he and his men infiltrated enemy encampments and used stakes to dispatch scores of Turks at a time,” the historian says.

“He even struck at night — an unprecedented strategy when facing this kind of enemy. With the element of surprise on his side, the famous Night Attack succeeded. He was able slaughter hundreds of vampires before they could even draw their weapons.”

THE EVIL EMPIRE: Turkish invasion swept over Eastern Europe, bringing with it the scourge of vampirism.

Furious, in the spring of 1462, the Sultan raised an army of 90,000 troops and personally led them toward Wallachia.

“When the Sultan and his troops crossed the Danube, they found the bank lined with the corpses of 20,000 vampires impaled on 14-foot-stakes. They were so horrified that they turned tail in terror and returned to Constantinople,” says Croitoru.

“Basically, their reaction was, ‘Yes, we know these are the bloody Middle Ages, but this mother f_____ is crazy!’ ”

Enraged at being thwarted and humiliated by Vlad time after time, the Sultan gave Radu a huge army with marching orders to take down his brother once and for all. After a grueling battle, Radu and his better-equipped forces finally captured Poenari Castle, Vlad’s famed mountain lair. The Sultan appointed his loyal boytoy Radu the Handsome the new ruler of Wallachia. And the deposed Vlad soon found himself imprisoned in a dungeon — again.

“For more than a decade, Vlad languished in a prison cell as a steady stream of henchmen (and lovely henchwomen) sent by his brother tried — again — to convert the stubborn prince to vampirism,” says Croitoru. “Sometimes he would be left in a cell for weeks at a time with no food and only a tempting goblet of blood on his table. But always the strong-willed Vlad resisted.

“Finally, one stormy night in 1475, Radu arranged to meet his brother in secret face to face, hoping to convince him that joining him on the dark side was his only hope.”

Although 40 years old by this time, Radu still looked like a handsome lad in his teens, his skin smooth and his “lips as full as any woman’s” in the words of a Hungarian account dug up by the researcher in 2009.

“Vlad bitterly demanded to know why his beloved brother could have abandoned the Christian faith and taken up arms against his own people,” says Croitoru. “Hoping for understanding, Radu confessed that he had acted out of love for Mehmed II and that they were lovers.

“Vlad was infuriated. He could forgive his brother for becoming a Muslim and a vampire, yes, for killing his wife, yes, and for usurping his throne, yes — but not for submitting sexually to another man. To a deeply religious Orthodox Christian like Vlad, such an act was an abominable sin.”

Although he was unarmed at the sit-down, Vlad picked up a heavy wooden chair and smashed it over Radu’s head. Then, consumed with rage, he took a broken chair leg and rammed the sharp tip through his brother’s heart.

With his brother dead, Vlad retook the throne of Wallachia on November 26, 1476. His hatred and loathing of the enemy that had turned his kid brother into a gay vampire now drove him to the brink of insanity.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. Vlad’s “enhanced” impaling technique was a real pain in the keister.

“Instead of traditional chest-staking, captured undead soldiers were now lowered naked onto a huge stake described as ‘thick as a burly man’s arm,’ and deliberately dull at the tip so that death would come slowly,” Croitoru explains.

“The vampire’s weight would cause the victim to slowly sink onto the immense stake as it entered the anus, ripped its way inch by inch through the organs until, mercifully, it penetrated the vampire’s heart.

“It was a very undignified and excruciating death — which was exactly what Vlad intended. He was sending a message to Sultan Mehmed II, the man who had both vampirized his younger brother and introduced him to sodomy.”

Vlad’s relentless, take-no-prisoners campaign worked like a charm. Mehmed II eventually withdrew from the Balkans, his dreams of glory and world domination crushed. His existence remains today only an interesting historical footnote.

Sadly, Vlad lived for only another year before he died, a grief and guilt-ridden man who never got over the fate of the young brother he once so loved.

“Prince Vlad is rightly remembered as a valiant patriot and one of history’s greatest vampire killers,” observes the historian. “But for the sake of historical accuracy, he must also be remembered as one of history’s worst homophobes.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX

If you were intrigued and entertained by this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his graphic novel about vampires running amok in a women’s prison, Night Cage, Volume 2

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Check out Volume 1 of Night Cage,

If you enjoy history and fantasy woven together, you might enjoy the thriller Houdini vs. Rasputin, written by the author of this article. Basic RGB

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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VAMPIRES BLITZ NUDIST COLONY!   Leave a comment

THE NAKED AND THE UNDEAD: Artist’s conception of terrifying attack.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BRASOV, Romania – In a brazen midnight raid, scores of vampires overran the Pleasant Valley Naturist Resort and feasted on the blood of the helpless, naked residents!

According to European wire services, the savage, well-coordinated attack left 14 people dead and dozens more in critical condition.

“Eight of us were soaking in the hot tub, when these vicious, hissing creatures came crashing through the window,” shaken survivor Andrei Grigorescu, 52, was quoted as saying. “They dragged the other bathers out kicking and screaming and sank their fangs into them. I was spared only because I weigh 340 pounds and was a bit too heavy for them to lift.”

Massage therapist Madalina Albescu, 23, required an emergency transfusion of 8 pints of blood, as well as treatment for 11 bite wounds on her neck, legs, breasts and buttocks.

“It was absolutely horrifying,” she said. “Two of them chased me across the volleyball court and tackled me like a pair of linebackers. They sucked my blood until I passed out. The doctors told me I was drained nearly dry.”

The nudist colony, in operation since 1973, sits at the foothills of the Faragas Mountains. Authorities had long suspected that the gloomy hill country harbored a nest of vampires and had even posted warning signs to that effect along the winding roads. But until the terrifying blitz, few at the resort paid any heed to the words of caution. Now police say it is likely that vampire scouts conducted surveillance missions in the weeks preceding the raid.

“My wife and some of the other ladies reported that sometimes they sensed that they were being watched, but we just attributed it to lads from the local high school,” revealed Claudiu Dumitrescu, the 61-year-old director of the bottom-baring establishment.

Despite the horrific nature of the tragedy, some residents of the conservative, deeply religious community near the resort show surprisingly little sympathy for the victims. They claim that the nudists’ freewheeling “hedonistic” lifestyle and lack of commonsense safety gear such as crucifixes and high collars made them easy targets for the bloodsuckers.

“Perhaps now they will confine their shameful display of their naked bodies to nude beaches – where there is plenty of sunlight,” said one elderly villager, who asked that her name not be used.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.

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If you enjoyed this mind-bending supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new project…

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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!

In the graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.

Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

More about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Read Hour of the Beast.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

Famed Demon Hunter to Exorcise the Panties of Peril   2 comments

DESPITE their ordinary appearance, these panties are possessed by a force "beyond human comprehension," expert says.

DESPITE their ordinary appearance, these panties are possessed by a force “beyond human comprehension,” expert says.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BOSTON — The Panties of Peril, universally ranked the world’s most lethal paranormal object, have claimed the lives of eight women – and one man – who were foolish enough to put them on. All perished in bizarre freak accidents. But the dreaded drawers may have finally met their match. America’s toughest exorcist, the Reverend Jim Bookley, has vowed to rid the evil undies of the demonic entity that has possessed them.

“Either those panties are going down, or I’m going down,” declared the 54-year-old demon hunter.

The history of the Panties of Peril is well documented. But Rev. Bookley has an equally impressive track record. Among the many feathers in his cap, he cast out from a possessed German nun the infamous Legion, the only demon to go toe to toe with Jesus in the Holy Bible and live to tell the tale. After a fierce eight-day battle, he successfully exorcised a donkey that had run amok in Palermo, Italy. In 2011, the clergyman was voted Exorcist of the Year, after driving the demon Asmodeus from the body of 24-year-old Brooklyn meter maid Gina Spimacelli and sending him running off with his barbed tail between his legs.

And Rev. Bookley is coming to this new spiritual showdown loaded for bear. Included in his arsenal, along with usual implements such as holy water, Bibles and crucifixes, are:

• The Holy Collar of Antioch. Once placed on the neck of a possessed person, it renders the demon plaguing them powerless.
• The personal Bible of Pope John Paul II.
• The Chains of St. Augustine. Made of pure silver, they can supposedly bind any demon.
• The boxing gloves of Father McMurphy, once wielded by the famed Irish cleric and demon hunter.

“And it goes without saying I’ll be packing my sawed off shotgun,” he said, patting the trusty firearm.

CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie "The Last Exorcism."

CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie “The Last Exorcism.”

The Panties of Peril are currently in the possession of Boston millionaire Laurence Viskerbloom III, who purchased them last July at auction for a reported $650,000 from an unidentified dealer — although their legal ownership is in dispute. Experts say they were stolen in 2013 from the vault of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, where they were kept under lock and key in a titanium vault.

Authorities believe the culprit was transvestite performer Frank Yinsley, better known as Lady Charlize, who was later found dead in his apartment while wearing the panties. He’d succumbed to the bite of a rabid bat after chasing it with a broom, and breaking a chandelier, investigators determined. The panties vanished from a police evidence room two weeks later.

Viskerbloom purchased the panties for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult who believed they could endow her with rare magical powers. Instead, tragically, she was electrocuted when the candles she’d lit for a special ceremony caught her robes on fire. The panties, eerily, were untouched by the blaze.

“Those panties took my Bethany,” Viskerbloom told reporters. “Whatever it is that’s haunting them has to be destroyed.”

DON'T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.

DON’T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.

Researchers at the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research have tracked the innocuous-looking pink panties to a sweatshop outside Denpaser, Indonesia. They believe they are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a factory worker who was killed along with 90 others when the building collapsed.

“The worker was a practitioner of kulam, a sinister, voodoo-like form of black magic so dangerous it’s been outlawed by the Indonesian government,” revealed the Institute’s director Dr. Dan Greavesby.

His organization is suing for the return of the panties. And he’s appealing to Rev. Bookley to call off the exorcism, scheduled for next month.

“These are incredibly powerful forces at work here, almost beyond human comprehension,” the expert warns. “To take them on before we’ve had a chance to fully study them is foolhardy.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Spunky Teen Girls Really COULD Topple Police State, Officials Warn   Leave a comment

LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising against the government, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in "The Hunger Games."

LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in “The Hunger Games.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a “security state” fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!

“Every simulation we’ve run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19,” revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they’re a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They’re expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults.”

The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.

“We’re not talking about ‘rounding up’ anyone at this time,” the insider assured the public. “We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we’re working so hard to construct.”

PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in "Insurgent."

PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in “Insurgent.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.


"The Blood of Titans" is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

Pentagon Already Designing Weapons to Win World War 4   Leave a comment

LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.

LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Each day, reckless leaders like power-hungry Russian strongman Vladimir Putin are inching the planet closer and closer to World War 3. But savvy Pentagon planners are already one step ahead, quietly developing an array of weapons designed to win World War 4 and based on the theories of genius Albert Einstein!

DARPA, the Department of Defense’s research and development wing, has churned out an impressive arsenal featuring clubs, stakes, boomerangs and a slew of other surprisingly low-tech killing devices.

“When Einstein was once asked how World War 3 would be fought, he replied, ‘I don’t know, but I know how World War 4 will be fought: with sticks and stones,’” explained a DARPA insider. “He was convinced that after the collapse of civilization, any survivors would lack the technology to manufacture sophisticated weapons such as tanks and machine guns, or the knowledge of how to use them. So we’re preparing next-generation weapons for use by fighting men and women raised in a society at the level of the last Ice Age.”

GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein's theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.

GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein’s theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.

The innovative weapons created by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) include:

The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.

The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.

The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.

The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.

The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.

The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.

The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.

The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.

The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.

The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.

The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.

The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.

The World War 4-winning weapons are being stockpiled in secret locations around the country, with enough “firepower” for a multi-generational conflict lasting many decades.

“Our descendants will likely lack factories or the infrastructure to mass-produce guns or bullets,” said the insider. “We’ve included in each weapons cache detailed instructions on how to build more weapons when these have run out, as well as how to use each device. In anticipation of a Paleolithic society of child-like illiterates that we predict will populate post-World War 3 North America, we’ve laid out the instructions in simple pictograms.”

War wizards are preparing for multiple scenarios, most of them variations of an occupation of what is now the United States by an Islamist or Russian-Chinese mega-power. The insider likened it to a classic Star Trek episode in which, on an Earth-like planet, descendants of Asian invaders and fur-clad Yangs (short for Yankees) duke it out with primitive weapons.

“Our goal is to ensure that one day the real-life ‘Yangs’ – our fighting men and women of tomorrow – have the tools they need to degrade, destroy and ultimately vanquish those who mean our nation harm,” declared the Defense agency insider. “Our mission, whether in the present or the future, is to support our troops.”

PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like the Yang in the Star Trek episode, "

PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like this Yang in the Star Trek episode,”The Omega Glory.”

CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.

CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution.

VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.

VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.

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