Archive for the ‘parody’ Tag

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Five Sports as Thrilling as Hunting Hibernating Bears   Leave a comment

 

bear-hibernating

LIGHTS OUT: This unlucky bear will wake up as someone’s rug.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.

The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.

Animal lovers  have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.

“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”

As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.

“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”

There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:

sloth

Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.

Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.

chimpanzee-chess

 

Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.

Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.

Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

How to Spot Mexicans, Muslims and Indians   Leave a comment

eli-wallach

America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.

“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”

The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.

“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”

Here are some samples from the photo array:

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-better

MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.

eli-wallach

JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.

teri-hatcher

SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.

Dave Chapelle

MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle  converted to Islam in 1998.

Stacey Dash

MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.

james-roday

MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.

jerry-seinfeld

SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.

johnny-depp-tonto

AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.

ted-williams

MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.

snooki-3

CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.

2013 Entertainment Weekly Pre-Emmy Party - Arrivals

Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.

sean-connery-wind-and-the-lion-dark-turban

SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”

paula-abdul

SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.

ralph-nader

ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.

salma-hyack-boobs

Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.

val-kilmer

NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”

shaquille-ooneal

MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.

vanna-white

PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.

prince-of-persia

SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.

frank-zappa

ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.

judd-hirsch-bio-pic

JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.

shakira

ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were  Lebanese.

ice-cube-3

MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.

pocohantas

NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.

klinger

CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.

neil-patrick-harris

GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”

antonio-banderas

SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.

tilda-swinton

WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.

vince-vaugn

ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.

wes-studi

NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”

laverne-cox

TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”

aziz-ansari

INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.

gabrielle-anwar

INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.

andre-agassi

IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.

ben-kingsley

INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.

mahershala-ali

MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”

kal-penn

INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.

george-lopez

MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.

helen-bonham-carter

SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.

kim-kardashian

ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.

cindy-crawford-1

ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.

danny-thomas

ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz. 

that-girl

Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

You Can Land a Job Cheering For Trump   Leave a comment

 

trump-press-conference-3

Cheering enthusiastically for our new president is an easy way to earn cash.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can rake in big bucks without lifting a finger, by landing a gig as a member of the presidential cheerleading squad! Cheering for the incoming president at press conferences – and booing reporters’ questions — not only renders an important service to our nation, it can be a lucrative and satisfying profession.

“Such cheerleading squads have been around as long as organized government,” says political science professor Peter K. Jortison. “For example, when the Roman emperor Nero acted on stage, he hired 5,000 men to applaud. In modern times, strongmen in many Third World countries, from Idi Amin to Manuel Noriega have used the approach.”

A group of people hired to applaud or heckle is known as a claque.

“It’s a French term that originated in the 19th century when professional applauders sat in the audience at Paris theaters and opera houses, paid to clap, laugh or even cry when appropriate,” reveals Jortison. “A member of a claque is called a claquer.”

At his January 11 press conference, President-Elect Donald Trump stocked the room with paid staffers ordered to enhance the session by cheering as he bashed reporters for asking him embarrassing questions. There will be work aplenty for such employees as long as the megabucks politician is in office, White House watchers predict. Although outsiders don’t know exactly how much those staffers earn, experts say that professional claquers typically make between $100 and $200 for a morning’s work – more than some Hollywood extras.

Political claquer was recently ranked one of the top five jobs in America, just behind mattress tester and brothel reviewer. Yet the job isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

“It’s like being a live-audience member at a sitcom who’s supposed to laugh at jokes whether they’re funny or not, but it’s far more demanding,” explains Jortison. “Besides laughing at the leader’s jokes you’ve got to be prepared to boo, blow raspberries, mumble in approval, yawn – whatever the situation demands. Obviously, you have to respond on cue. Cheering 15 seconds late will raise eyebrows and can distract the president.”

Landing a coveted spot on the president’s cheerleading squad isn’t easy. Patriotic Americans are lining up for the opportunity to serve the commander in chief when he takes office January 20.

“When you go to your audition, arrive early and be prepared,” advises a professional claquer. “Don’t have just one boo, have a variety to showcase your versatility. Show that you can understand hand signals and take direction. If a presidential advisor tells you to ‘snicker,’ don’t giggle.”

 

claquers

Professional applauders, known as claquers, have been around for centures.

 If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

18 Fun Activities For Muslims Hiding in Your Attic!   Leave a comment

twister

Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!

“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”

Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:

  1. Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
  2. Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
  3. Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
  4. Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
  5. Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
  6. Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
  7. Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.

    exercise-640x480

    A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.

  8. Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
  9. Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
  10. Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
  11. Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
  12. Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
  13. Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.

    ventriloquism

    Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.

  14. Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
  15. A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
  16. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
  17. Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
  18. Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”

    anne-frank

    We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russia Will Let U.S. Pick ITS Next President!   Leave a comment

 

baryshnikov501381862471-1200x855

LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.

 

Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!

What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.

“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”

 

russian-election

PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)

 

Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.

“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”

 

chekov

NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig

 

Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.

“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.

In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.

“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”

Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.

Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.

“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
 

candidates

THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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