Horror News   Supernatural News Satire and Horror Reviews

By C. Michael Forsyth

A spirited debate is being waged on the Internet and in churches across America about which gun Jesus Christ would pack.

Some preachers say that if the Lord were alive today, He would tote a high-powered semi-automatic assault rifle, while others insist He’d sling an old-fashioned cowboy six-shooter as a symbol of justice. But all agree that when the Second Coming rolls around, Jesus will be loaded for bear.

“Jesus, who said ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ was protective of the weak and defenseless, and He would carry the means to keep them safe from harm,” explains the Rev. Houldercraft of Charleston, S.C, a longtime gun-rights supporter.

“Although kind and gentle, He also accepted that violence was sometimes necessary against evildoers, like when He chased the money changers out of the temple. Today the Messiah would use the modern weapons at His disposal. It’s ridiculous for liberals to argue that He’d go after sinners with a handful of rocks and a sling.”

“Personally, I believe His weapon of choice would be the M1911,” continued the clergyman. “It’s a highly versatile pistol from Colt with plenty of stopping power that’s remarkably reliable even after it falls in mud or sand.”

Here are 10 other guns that top Bible scholars nationwide contend Christ might carry:

Smith & Wesson Hand Ejector Revolver

This double-action/single-action revolver would allow the Son of God to be quick on the trigger in any situation.

“For precise shooting, the crisp single-action trigger pull is extraordinary, and the double-action smoothness is unsurpassed,” notes the Reverend Terry Smiltwood of Arkansas, a lifelong hunter and gun-safety expert. “It’s equally well suited for hunting, personal defense or blowing sinners to Kingdom Come.”

GLOCK 17

This popular handgun’s injection-molded polymer frame makes it light and resistant to corrosion.

“It holds a 17-round-capacity double-stack magazine to quickly take out a hit team of the Antichrist’s minions, who won’t be crazy about the Second Coming,” notes Rev. Greg Kestlebury of Tennessee. “And the grip is relatively slim, perfect for Jesus who’s described as having small and delicate hands.

“Most importantly, the weapon is considered ‘cool’ by criminals and gang members, the very types of sinners our Lord would wish to win over. A Glock pointed between their eyes would quickly win their respect and gain Him entry to their world.”

Colt Peacemaker

Most U.S. Bible experts agree Christ will return to Earth in America, since our nation embodies freedom and everything else He stands for. It seems only natural that He’ll pack an all-American weapon like this sturdy cowboy six-shooter, known as The Gun that Won the West.

“This iconic handgun was wielded by frontiersmen, outlaws and sheriffs,” notes Bible scholar and gun-rights activist Herbert C. Hurbwell of Lousiana. “Custer held one in his hand at the Last Stand and Teddy Roosevelt brandished one when he charged up San Juan Hill. Marshalls used this potent symbol of frontier justice to keep the peace in our past, just as Jesus will bring peace to our world in the near future.

“In the final showdown between Christ and the Antichrist, I believe He’ll carry the same gun in His holster that Matt Dillon used in ‘Gunsmoke’ — and I pity the fool who thinks he can outdraw Jesus.”

.44 Remington Magnum

No weapon puts the fear of God into evildoers more than the handgun toted by Dirty Harry. Once touted as the most powerful handgun in the world, the .44 Magnum delivers a large, heavy bullet with high velocity that can take a sinner’s head clean off.

“Jesus is a God of love who expects the best of us. He literally wants each and every one of us to ‘make His day,’ ” argues Bishop Carl L. Surliss of West Virginia. “But those who violate His holy commandments face His wrath.”

With deeply penetrating bullets, the Magnum is also suitable for short-range hunting of animals as large as moose.

“Jesus was no sissy,” the preacher observes. “Just as our Lord relaxed with His disciples with games of His day like the ancient Hebrew version of soccer, today He would engage in manly recreation such as hunting and fishing.”

NAA Guardian Pistol

Far smaller than a Beretta 92 Compact, this dainty death-dealer could easily be concealed beneath Christ’s flowing robes.

“The element of surprise would be key for Jesus, whose enemies would expect the ‘meek and mild’ Savior of mankind to be unarmed,” notes Catherine Ziplanski, a leading Bible scholar and gun enthusiast. “So a small, easily concealed handgun really makes the most sense. The Guardian is sometimes pooh-poohed as a ‘lady’s gun,’ but it packs plenty of wallop.”

Remington 11-87 Shotgun

Stopping power will be the main concern of Jesus when he goes toe-to-toe with the formidable Beast described in the Bible, thus a 12-gauge shotgun would be the obvious choice, many insist.

“This gas-operated shotgun can carry a 3” magnum shell,” notes the Reverend Cal Huskley of North Carolina. “It could stop the Antichrist in his tracks whether he appears as a sinister child like Damien in ‘The Omen’ or as a rampaging monster.”

Winchester Model 70

The Lord would likely unwind by hunting with disciples, so a good, solid deer-hunting rifle would be in order. A possible choice would be this updated version of Winchester 1892 that Chuck Connors toted in the beloved TV show “The Rifleman.”

“Who can forget how Connors, as widower Lucas McCain, taught his son homespun American values, or how he fired 12 shots from his rifle in just seconds in the opening credits?” asks Ted Vechwuller, another authority on the Scriptures. “Those are the values – home, family, standing up for what’s right – that our Lord would want to instill in us, at the point of a gun if necessary.

“And if the demonic hordes of the Antichrist overcome Him and He runs out of bullets, one can easily imagine Him swinging the rifle butt as a club like Davy Crockett at the Alamo, before sacrificing His life, once again, for mankind.

AR-15

This cousin of the M16 rifle used in Vietnam is popular among patriotic militia leaders, hunters with poor aim and homemakers alike.

“The Bible describes Armageddon as a final war between good and evil,” explains Henry R. Clatters of Alabama. “As our Lord leads His followers into battle singing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers,’ it would be fitting for Him to bear this military-style rifle.”

UZI

Lightweight, easily concealable under a robe, and boasting a high rate of fire, this sub-machine gun might be the little friend Christ tells His enemies to “say hello” to.

“When you absolutely, positively have to kill every Pharisee in the room, an Uzi is what you need,” points out Bishop Charles R. Culway of Idaho. “The fact that it is an Israeli-made weapon from the Holy Land would of course make it especially appropriate for Our Lord.”

RPG-7

The armies of the Antichrist mean business, and Jesus will need a weapon powerful enough to take out the Evil One’s tanks. The Ruchnoy Protivotankovyy Granatomyot or RPG is the most widely used anti-tank weapon in the world.

“Our Lord is the Prince of Peace,” declares Rev. Bob Hiltonbell of Kentucky. “He wouldn’t hesitate to use a rocket-propelled grenade launcher to bring peace to the world.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this news satire entertaining, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …

Check out HOUR OF THE BEAST by clicking HERE.