Archive for the ‘Gun Control’ Tag

Fox Hosts Want to be Shot in Church. Poll: Where do YOU Pick?   Leave a comment

Fox and Friends

HEAVEN BOUND: Fox and Friends hosts prefer be shot in church.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Following the gun massacre at a Texas church in which 26 worshippers were killed, Fox and Friends hostess Ainsley Earhardt commented that if she and her fellow Fox staffers were to be blown away in a mass shooting, “there’s no other place we would want to go other than church.”

The thought-provoking remark has led many Americans to ponder where they would prefer to be gunned down in an upcoming mass shooting. An informal survey yielded a wide range of locales.

Alison K., 38., of Greenwood, S.C., says she’d choose to meet the Grim Reaper while relaxing on a beach, listening to her playlist. Wayne T., 44, of Montgomery, Ala., would spend his final hours in the Playboy Mansion, surrounded by bosomy Playmates. Crafty, 26-year-old Sheryl N. of Boise, Idaho, picked a hospital, where trauma surgeons might be able to extract the bullets and revive her.

 

Beach scene

A GUN MASSACRE is preceded by a relaxing day in the beach in this scene from the movie American Assassin.

 

If you had your druthers, where would you be pumped full of lead by America’s next top gunner?

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TERRORISTS REFUSING TO VISIT U.S. — BECAUSE IT’S “TOO DANGEROUS.”   Leave a comment

Mass shootings

MASS SHOOTINGS like the one in Las Vegas have become an everyday occurrence in America, but gutless terrorists don’t have the gumption to risk them.

By C. Michael Forsyth

In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!

“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”

Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.

“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”

A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.

“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”

But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.

“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?

“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre new articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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WHAT GUN WOULD JESUS CARRY? Top 10 Picks of Bible Scholars.   3 comments

JESUS bring peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from the website.

JESUS bringing peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from passtheammo.com.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A spirited debate is being waged on the Internet and in churches across America about which gun Jesus Christ would pack.

Some preachers say that if the Lord were alive today, He would tote a high-powered semi-automatic assault rife, while others insist He’d sling an old-fashioned cowboy six-shooter as a symbol of justice. But all agree that when the Second Coming rolls around, Jesus will be loaded for bear.

“Jesus, who said ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ was protective of the weak and defenseless, and He would carry the means to keep them safe from harm,” explains the Rev. Houldercraft of Charleston, S.C, a longtime gun-rights supporter.

“Although kind and gentle, He also accepted that violence was sometimes necessary against evildoers, like when He chased the money changers out of the temple. Today the Messiah would use the modern weapons at His disposal. It’s ridiculous for liberals to argue that He’d go after sinners with a handful of rocks and a sling.”

TALE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money lenders out of the temple -- but today He would use modern weapons..

TAKE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money changers out of the temple — but today He would use modern weapons.

“Personally, I believe His weapon of choice would be the M1911,” continued the clergyman. “It’s a highly versatile pistol from Colt with plenty of stopping power that’s remarkably reliable even after it falls in mud or sand.”

Here are 10 other guns that top Bible scholars nationwide contend Christ might carry:

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world for decades.

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world.

Smith & Wesson Hand Ejector Revolver

This double-action/single-action revolver would allow the Son of God to be quick on the trigger in any situation.

“For precise shooting, the crisp single-action trigger pull is extraordinary, and the double-action smoothness is unsurpassed,” notes the Reverend Terry Smiltwood of Arkansas, a lifelong hunter and gun-safety expert. “It’s equally well suited for hunting, personal defense or blowing sinners to Kingdom Come.”

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.


GLOCK 17

This popular handgun’s injection-molded polymer frame makes it light and resistant to corrosion.

“It holds a 17-round-capacity double-stack magazine to quickly take out a hit team of the Antichrist’s minions, who won’t be crazy about the Second Coming,” notes Rev. Greg Kestlebury of Tennessee. “And the grip is relatively slim, perfect for Jesus who’s described as having small and delicate hands.

“Most importantly, the weapon is considered ‘cool’ by criminals and gang members, the very types of sinners our Lord would wish to win over. A Glock pointed between their eyes would quickly win their respect and gain Him entry to their world.”

MARSHALL Matt Dillon (James Arness) was fast on the draw with his Colt in TV classic “Gunsmoke.”


Colt Peacemaker

Most U.S. Bible experts agree Christ will return to Earth in America, since our nation embodies freedom and everything else He stands for. It seems only natural that He’ll pack an all-American weapon like this sturdy cowboy six-shooter, known as The Gun that Won the West.

“This iconic handgun was wielded by frontiersmen, outlaws and sheriffs,” notes Bible scholar and gun-rights activist Herbert C. Hurbwell of Lousiana. “Custer held one in his hand at the Last Stand and Teddy Roosevelt brandished one when he charged up San Juan Hill. Marshalls used this potent symbol of frontier justice to keep the peace in our past, just as Jesus will bring peace to our world in the near future.

“In the final showdown between Christ and the Antichrist, I believe He’ll carry the same gun in His holster that Matt Dillon used in ‘Gunsmoke’ — and I pity the fool who thinks he can outdraw Jesus.”

GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY: Clint Eastwood sported a .44 Magnum in “Sudden Impact.”

.44 Remington Magnum

No weapon puts the fear of God into evildoers more than the handgun toted by Dirty Harry. Once touted as the most powerful handgun in the world, the .44 Magnum delivers a large, heavy bullet with high velocity that can take a sinner’s head clean off.

“Jesus is a God of love who expects the best of us. He literally wants each and every one of us to ‘make His day,’ ” argues Bishop Carl L. Surliss of West Virginia. “But those who violate His holy commandments face His wrath.”

With deeply penetrating bullets, the Magnum is also suitable for short-range hunting of animals as large as moose.

“Jesus was no sissy,” the preacher observes. “Just as our Lord relaxed with His disciples with games of His day like the ancient Hebrew version of soccer, today He would engage in manly recreation such as hunting and fishing.”

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be easily concealed in a shoulder or thigh holster beneath the Messiah's robes.

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be kept discreetly in Christ’s shoulder or thigh holster.

NAA Guardian Pistol

Far smaller than a Beretta 92 Compact, this dainty death-dealer could easily be concealed beneath Christ’s flowing robes.

“The element of surprise would be key for Jesus, whose enemies would expect the ‘meek and mild’ Savior of mankind to be unarmed,” notes Catherine Ziplanski, a leading Bible scholar and gun enthusiast. “So a small, easily concealed handgun really makes the most sense. The Guardian is sometimes pooh-poohed as a ‘lady’s gun,’ but it packs plenty of wallop.”

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

Remington 11-87 Shotgun

Stopping power will be the main concern of Jesus when he goes toe-to-toe with the formidable Beast described in the Bible, thus a 12-gauge shotgun would be the obvious choice, many insist.

“This gas-operated shotgun can carry a 3” magnum shell,” notes the Reverend Cal Huskley of North Carolina. “It could stop the Antichrist in his tracks whether he appears as a sinister child like Damien in ‘The Omen’ or as a rampaging monster.”

WHOLESOME TV show “The Rifleman” starred Chuck Connors and his Winchester rifle.

Winchester Model 70

The Lord would likely unwind by hunting with disciples, so a good, solid deer-hunting rifle would be in order. A possible choice would be this updated version of Winchester 1892 that Chuck Connors toted in the beloved TV show “The Rifleman.”

“Who can forget how Connors, as widower Lucas McCain, taught his son homespun American values, or how he fired 12 shots from his rifle in just seconds in the opening credits?” asks Ted Vechwuller, another authority on the Scriptures. “Those are the values – home, family, standing up for what’s right – that our Lord would want to instill in us, at the point of a gun if necessary.

“And if the demonic hordes of the Antichrist overcome Him and He runs out of bullets, one can easily imagine Him swinging the rifle butt as a club like Davy Crockett at the Alamo, before sacrificing His life, once again, for mankind.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

AR-15

This cousin of the M16 rifle used in Vietnam is popular among patriotic militia leaders, hunters with poor aim and homemakers alike.

“The Bible describes Armageddon as a final war between good and evil,” explains Henry R. Clatters of Alabama. “As our Lord leads His followers into battle singing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers,’ it would be fitting for Him to bear this military-style rifle.”

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ's robes.

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ’s robes.

UZI

Lightweight, easily concealable under a robe, and boasting a high rate of fire, this sub-machine gun might be the little friend Christ tells His enemies to “say hello” to.

“When you absolutely, positively have to kill every Pharisee in the room, an Uzi is what you need,” points out Bishop Charles R. Culway of Idaho. “The fact that it is an Israeli-made weapon from the Holy Land would of course make it especially appropriate for Our Lord.”

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist's tanks to smithereens

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist’s tanks to smithereens.

RPG-7

The armies of the Antichrist mean business, and Jesus will need a weapon powerful enough to take out the Evil One’s tanks. The Ruchnoy Protivotankovyy Granatomyot or RPG is the most widely used anti-tank weapon in the world.

“Our Lord is the Prince of Peace,” declares Rev. Bob Hiltonbell of Kentucky. “He wouldn’t hesitate to use a rocket-propelled grenade launcher to bring peace to the world.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this news satire entertaining, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

Speaking of firepower, silver bullets might come in handy in the spine-tingling horror novel Hour of the Beast. The author of this article wrote the book, which got rave reviews from The Horror Fiction Review , The Parlor of Horror and other critics.

Check out HOUR OF THE BEAST by clicking HERE.

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