Archive for September 2014
LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Each day, reckless leaders like power-hungry Russian strongman Vladimir Putin are inching the planet closer and closer to World War 3. But savvy Pentagon planners are already one step ahead, quietly developing an array of weapons designed to win World War 4 and based on the theories of genius Albert Einstein!
DARPA, the Department of Defense’s research and development wing, has churned out an impressive arsenal featuring clubs, stakes, boomerangs and a slew of other surprisingly low-tech killing devices.
“When Einstein was once asked how World War 3 would be fought, he replied, ‘I don’t know, but I know how World War 4 will be fought: with sticks and stones,’” explained a DARPA insider. “He was convinced that after the collapse of civilization, any survivors would lack the technology to manufacture sophisticated weapons such as tanks and machine guns, or the knowledge of how to use them. So we’re preparing next-generation weapons for use by fighting men and women raised in a society at the level of the last Ice Age.”
GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein’s theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.
The innovative weapons created by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) include:
The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.
The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.
The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.
The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.
The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.
The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.
The World War 4-winning weapons are being stockpiled in secret locations around the country, with enough “firepower” for a multi-generational conflict lasting many decades.
“Our descendants will likely lack factories or the infrastructure to mass-produce guns or bullets,” said the insider. “We’ve included in each weapons cache detailed instructions on how to build more weapons when these have run out, as well as how to use each device. In anticipation of a Paleolithic society of child-like illiterates that we predict will populate post-World War 3 North America, we’ve laid out the instructions in simple pictograms.”
War wizards are preparing for multiple scenarios, most of them variations of an occupation of what is now the United States by an Islamist or Russian-Chinese mega-power. The insider likened it to a classic Star Trek episode in which, on an Earth-like planet, descendants of Asian invaders and fur-clad Yangs (short for Yankees) duke it out with primitive weapons.
“Our goal is to ensure that one day the real-life ‘Yangs’ – our fighting men and women of tomorrow – have the tools they need to degrade, destroy and ultimately vanquish those who mean our nation harm,” declared the Defense agency insider. “Our mission, whether in the present or the future, is to support our troops.”
PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like this Yang in the Star Trek episode,”The Omega Glory.”
CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution.
VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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ISIS militants need a new moniker — pronto.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ISIS, the diabolical and barbaric band of fanatics bent on imposing a vast Islamic state in the Middle East, is desperately seeking a new name–and it needs YOUR help!
“When our leaders found out that Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess once worshipped by infidels, they went ballistic,” revealed a PR wing insider who requested anonymity. “We need a new name quick or heads will roll, and yes I DO mean that literally.”
One roadblock, the insider noted, is that most of the really good evil organization names like HYDRA, SPECTRE and CHAOS have already been taken, used in movies, TV shows or comic books. The outfit is also known as ISIL, but that’s widely regarded as too bland.
“It sounds like a computer programming language that nerds would drone on about in a college dorm,” he said.
The public relations staff is extremely reluctant to turn to “decadent western infidels” for help, but they’ve been forced to acknowledge that young Americans have a better handle on popular culture.
“It’s tricky. The name needs pizzazz to appeal to the young lions we hope to recruit, particularly in the west, yet have the gravitas to satisfy the old guard in our leadership,” explained the insider.
It’s also imperative that the name doesn’t have an embarrassing meaning in any of the nearly 7,000 languages spoken worldwide.
“We came close to going with U.T.S.U.K., standing for the United Terrorist State’s Ultimate Killers, but a last-minute Google check revealed that the word Utsuk means “vagina” in Greenlandic,” the ISIS underling divulged. “Our leaders were none too pleased with the staff member who came up with that name. Let’s put it this way: He won’t be shopping for turbans any time soon.”
Can you think of a better name for ISIS? If you can, leave it in the comment section below. This website is in no way affiliated with the militant group, but if it does adopt your suggestion, you’ll win two free “Hour of the Beast” T—shirts.
SUPERVILLAIN Ernst Stavro Blofeld led the evil organization SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) in the James Bond movies.
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Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!
DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.
“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.
“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”
A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.
SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.
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Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.
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