Archive for the ‘ISIS’ Tag

TERRORISTS REFUSING TO VISIT U.S. — BECAUSE IT’S “TOO DANGEROUS.”   Leave a comment

Mass shootings

MASS SHOOTINGS like the one in Las Vegas have become an everyday occurrence in America, but gutless terrorists don’t have the gumption to risk them.

By C. Michael Forsyth

In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!

“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”

Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.

“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”

A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.

“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”

But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.

“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?

“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre new articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Help ISIS Pick a New Name!   1 comment

ISIS militants need a new moniker -- pronto.

ISIS militants need a new moniker — pronto.

By C. Michael Forsyth

ISIS, the diabolical and barbaric band of fanatics bent on imposing a vast Islamic state in the Middle East, is desperately seeking a new name–and it needs YOUR help!

“When our leaders found out that Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess once worshipped by infidels, they went ballistic,” revealed a PR wing insider who requested anonymity. “We need a new name quick or heads will roll, and yes I DO mean that literally.”

One roadblock, the insider noted, is that most of the really good evil organization names like HYDRA, SPECTRE and CHAOS have already been taken, used in movies, TV shows or comic books. The outfit is also known as ISIL, but that’s widely regarded as too bland.

“It sounds like a computer programming language that nerds would drone on about in a college dorm,” he said.

The public relations staff is extremely reluctant to turn to “decadent western infidels” for help, but they’ve been forced to acknowledge that young Americans have a better handle on popular culture.

“It’s tricky. The name needs pizzazz to appeal to the young lions we hope to recruit, particularly in the west, yet have the gravitas to satisfy the old guard in our leadership,” explained the insider.

It’s also imperative that the name doesn’t have an embarrassing meaning in any of the nearly 7,000 languages spoken worldwide.

“We came close to going with U.T.S.U.K., standing for the United Terrorist State’s Ultimate Killers, but a last-minute Google check revealed that the word Utsuk means “vagina” in Greenlandic,” the ISIS underling divulged. “Our leaders were none too pleased with the staff member who came up with that name. Let’s put it this way: He won’t be shopping for turbans any time soon.”

Can you think of a better name for ISIS? If you can, leave it in the comment section below. This website is in no way affiliated with the militant group, but if it does adopt your suggestion, you’ll win two free “Hour of the Beast” T—shirts.

SUPERVILLAIN Ernst Stavro Blofeld led the evil organization SPECTRE in the James Bond movies.

SUPERVILLAIN Ernst Stavro Blofeld led the evil organization SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) in the James Bond movies.

This writer is the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Posted September 12, 2014 by C. Michael Forsyth in terrorism

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U.S. Arming Freedom Fighters with Guns that Fire Backward After 5 Years — In Case They Turn Against Us!   1 comment

Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real "bang" out of the experience.

Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!

DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.

“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.

“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”

A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.

SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys ... for now.

SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.

If you found this article amusing, you might enjoy the writer’s newest novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House , which is getting rave reviews. Check it out HERE.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance  in new book.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.

Posted September 2, 2014 by C. Michael Forsyth in Guns

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