Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

Next Generation Won’t be “Snowflakes” — Because They’ll Live in a Dystopia!   Leave a comment

 

Hunger Games

Young folks in the future will have plenty of grit, like Katniss (Jennifer Laurence) in The Hunger Games.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Good news! The generation after the Millennials won’t be a bunch of weak, coddled snowflakes. The Omega Generation will be tough as nails from struggling to survive in a brutal dystopia.

“We Baby Boomers have been wringing our hands about how soft and pampered the Millennials are, with their dependence on technology and inability to cope with offensive speech,” says futurist Francine Cloutmer. “We should relax, because the following generation will be hardened by the harshest living conditions imaginable. Their idea of a ‘safe space’ will be a shelter where they can hide from killer robots sent to hunt them down.”

The problem of today’s young folks having it too easy is a frequent topic of discussion among irritated Boomers and Generation X-ers.

“There weren’t cellphones and all this other technology when we were growing up,” 59-year-old Michael N. posted on social media. “We only had seven television channels and many TVs didn’t even come with a remote. We had to face hardships like war,  and I’m talking about the invasion of Grenada. Although I didn’t personally participate, I watched it on TV.  Not the war footage, actually, but that movie Clint Eastwood was in.”

heartbreak ridge

NO SNOWFLAKE: Clint Eastwood and his platoon conquer the resort island of Grenada in the movie Heartbreak Ridge.

The disturbing trend actually dates back centuries, according to the expert.

“Since caveman days, through the Middle Ages, the 1800s through the present, each generation has been raised in a safer environment with more creature comforts,” Cloutmer explains. “As a result, each generation seems weaker to the previous one. People who bought meat in stores seemed like ‘pansies’ to those who hunted game with guns, who in turn had it easy compared to those who had only bows and arrows.”

But the softening trend is about to be flip into reverse, according to many prognosticators.

“We are looking at a society in which wealth is increasingly concentrated in a few hands and automation is making human workers obsolete,” Cloutmer observes. “A baby born today will likely come of age in a world where obtaining basic necessities such as food and clean water will be a daily struggle, and the unwashed masses serve no use except perhaps as source of entertainment for the rich as in The Hunger Games.

Terminators

Raids like this will be a common sight in America’s shanty towns.

“Almost certainly, the wealthy will have private security forces composed of armed, sentient robots to keep starving mobs from scaling the gates of their estates. They may even give these real-life terminators leave to hunt down bands of ordinary people who are seen as a nuisance, like coyotes.”

What’s more, climate change is expected to make the physical environment far more challenging than it is today. Rising sea levels will put many of America’s coastlines underwater, turning what are now high-priced beach communities into seascapes resembling the movie Waterworld.

waterworld_25

THAT SINKING FEELING: Kevin Costner is up to his neck in trouble in Waterworld.

People who are in their 20s in 2038 will rely on animal cunning and physical stamina to survive.

“Much like the Neanderthals, who would break bones and just keep going, and used plants and herbs they came across for medicinal purposes, the Omega Generation will live in a time when healthcare as we know it is a thing of the past except for the very few,” Cloutmer points out. “Their medical needs will be met by old ‘medicine women’ and faith healers, and when those are unavailable, the self-sufficient young person of the future will know how to carry out emergency procedures such as pushing dislocated joints back into place, and bandaging stumps after routine amputations.”

folk healer

After the collapse of society, most medical needs will be met by folk healers.

While life maybe tougher for our grandchildren, no one will complain about them being wusses.

Predicts the expert, “Instead of clucking your teeth when you see a young person lounge around with the latest new mobile device, you’ll glow with pride as you marvel at what they’re capable of.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Fun Contest: Design Logo For Trump’s Private Spy Agency!   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Do you have a knack for design? Then you may be in line for fame, glory and cold, hard cash! President Trump’s new personal spy agency is in urgent need of a logo, and if the White House selects your design, you’ll win a whopping $100!

News that the White House is weighing plans for a private spy agency that answers only to the President was recently revealed by investigative reporters for The Intercept. Organized with the aid of experts from the shadowy mercenary outfit Blackwater, the elite corps of secret agents will be funded by wealthy donors. It’s reportedly being put in place to circumvent the NSA, CIA and the 15 other current U.S. intelligence agencies that Trump is convinced are out to undermine him.

Trump’s spy agency doesn’t have a name yet, but one early suggestion, The Research Espionage And Secret Operations Network, has already been shot down.

“The acronym was not a good fit,” an insider said. “All that’s for certain right now is that the first letter will be T, and so that should figure prominently in the design of the logo.”

In our fun contest, readers of this blog are invited to submit a simple drawing of a design for the emblem. Email your submission to freedomshammerpr@aol. com. Because a name has not yet been settled on, you can use “Trump Intelligence Agency” for now.  We’ll select the five best designs, publish them on this site, then send them on to the White House. If the President and his team select your design, we’ll issue you a check for 100 bucks. You’ll also be able to brag to pals that your logo graces agency walls, stationary and rings. The deadline is January 1, so get cracking! To give you some inspiration, below are the emblems of some top intelligence agencies from around the world.

 

Spy Agency MMS better

China’s Ministry of State Security. They torture you and an hour later you need to be tortured again.

 

Spy Logo MI6_Logo

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service? Then you’re working for Britain’s famed MI-6

Spy CIA

Our own CIA was considered the good guys–until now.

Spy Logo France The General Directorate for External Security

Viva La France! The General Directorate for External Security

Spy agency Logo Mossad

Israel’s Mossad is one of the most effective spy outfits in the world.

Spy Agency logo SVRlogo

The SVR is Russia’s external spy agency.

Spy Agency ASIS-Australia

G’day mate, from The Australian Secret Intelligence Service.

Spy Logo Russian Federal Security Service

Vladimir Putin keeps track of his foes with the FSB, Russia’s internal security agency.

Spy Logo Nigeria Defence Intelligence Agency

Nigeria’s Defense Intelligence Agency keeps Africa safe.

BND

The BND is the toughest German intelligence agency since the Gestapo.

[Note: Void where prohibited. All participants must be over the age of 7. Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions, Forsyth Industries and the Monolithic International Conglomerate are not eligible. The decision of the judges is final, unless overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court.]

If you enjoyed this article by novelist C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of mind-bending stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Help Pick A Name For Trump’s New Secret Police.   Leave a comment

Gestapo

The Gestapo was one of the most feared secret police agencies in history.

By C. Michael Forsyth

U.S. President Donald Trump is reportedly set to establish his own private spy agency—and you can help come up with a catchy name for our leader’s new secret police.

“The Trump administration is considering a set of proposals developed by Blackwater founder Erik Prince and a retired CIA officer—with assistance from Oliver North, a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal—to provide the White House with a global, private spy network that would circumvent official U.S. intelligence agencies, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials and others familiar with the proposals,” The Intercept reports.

“The sources say the plans have been pitched to the White House as a means of countering ‘deep state’ enemies in the intelligence community seeking to undermine Donald Trump’s presidency.”

KGB

The President’s personal spy agency will likely have its own emblem, similar to that of the KGB, once run by Trump pal Vladimir Putin.

Blackwater is the shady mercenary outfit that played a key role in the occupation of Iraq. Its founder Prince already has a cozy relationship with Trump: his sister is controversial Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Trump’s personal spy agency will report only to the president and will be funded by wealthy donors. The Mission: Impossible-style secret agents won’t carry out operations against Russia. Instead, they’ll combat what Trump considers the “real” enemy: the CIA, NSA, FBI, Defense Intelligence Agency, Office of Naval Intelligence, Air Force Intelligence and all of America’s other intelligence agencies. And, unlike the CIA, no law will prevent it from pursuing targets in the U.S.

Get Smart Better

In the beloved TV series “Get Smart,” agent Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) worked for a secret organization named Control.

All that Trump’s spanking new secret police is missing is a name. Below are some possibilities. Choose your favorite, or if none catch your fancy, come up with a suggestion of your own. We’ll send the most popular picks in this poll, plus readers’ three most catchy suggestions, to the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., where President Trump himself will make the final choice. (Note: KGB has already been taken).

Stalin's Secret Police

Soviet strongman Joseph Stalin created an elite security force called the NKVD.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by novelist C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Poll: Who Should Replace Us, Androids or Genetically Engineered Superhumans?   Leave a comment

sophia android

Super-smart Sophia the android has been named a citizen of Saudi Arabia.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A spirited debate has cropped up among scientists, ethicists and ordinary U.S. citizens about which would be a better replacement species for humankind: a master race of genetically enhanced superhumans, or androids thousands of times more intelligent than people.

“Robot overlords would be more likely to govern fairly because they have no emotions,” argued Bernard Herkstone, a top expert in artificial intelligence.

But humans genetically engineered for superior intelligence get the vote of bio-ethicist Dr. Natalie Lungucci.

Khan

Khan, a genetically engineered superman, appeared in a classic “Star Trek” episode.

“Homo Sapiens have had a good run,” she pointed out. “We’ve had dominion over this planet for more than 30,000 years. But it’s time for a changing of the guard. If we can create a new sub-species that is free of disease, has a super-genius I.Q. and none of our flaws, for goodness sake why wouldn’t we? We can take pride in the knowledge that these Numans, as I like to call them, will be our direct descendants, just as we descend from the now-extinct Homo Erectus.”

Computer experts estimate that within a few decades, if not sooner, advances in A.I. will reach what’s known as the “singularity,” the point at which programs have greater reasoning capacity than people.

“Imperfect human politicians can then be replaced by androids with impeccable judgement,” explained Herkstone. “There would no longer be the need for human college professors, journalists or even artists, because synthetic beings will do a much better job.”

Meanwhile, the science of gene-editing is becoming increasingly sophisticated.

“After eliminating hereditary diseases, scientists will be able to move onto removing such flaws as shortness of height and unattractive facial features,” Dr. Lungucci explained. “Genes borrowed from animals will be essential ingredients. DNA from a salamander, for example, could give the Numans the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Plant DNA could give them the ability to obtain extra energy through photosynthesis. Most importantly, the Numans will be as superior to us ‘Old Humans’ in intelligence as we are to the rhesus monkey.”

Now the race is on, experts agree.

“There’s really no telling which type of superior being will cross the finish line first and replace humans as the dominant species on Earth,” Herkstone said. “It will be very exciting to watch.”

This is of course satire…at least for another couple of years. If you enjoyed it, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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BENEDICT ARNOLD’S GHOST FREED FROM CURSE — BY DONALD TRUMP!   Leave a comment

 

bENEDICT aRNOLD

TURNCOAT Benedict Arnold was America’s most notorious traitor.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

For more than 200 years, the restless spirit of Benedict Arnold has haunted West Point, cursed by George Washington himself to roam, earthbound, “as long as you are the greatest traitor in our nation’s history.” But now the curse appears to have been broken and the tortured ghost released — thanks to Russian-backed President Donald Trump!

Soon after Mr. Trump’s cozy relationship with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin came to light, four cadets at West Point — sworn to truthfulness in their honor code — claim they saw General Arnold’s eerie form walk into a beam of white light and vanish.

“The ghost gave a small, grateful smile and waved to us, then he slowly dissolved until there was nothing there,” reported one of the eyewitnesses.

A special counsel is currently investigating allegations that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian officials who interfered with the U.S. presidential election — in return for Trump’s guarantee that if elected, he’d lift sanctions against America’s adversary.

“The apparition has not been seen since May 17, the night after the special prosecutor was appointed. We can’t be sure if President Trump’s actions lifted the centuries-old curse, but it’s hard to believe the timing is coincidental,” observed Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.

Trump thumbs up

THUMBS UP: President Trump scored yet another victory by lifting curse on Benedict Arnold.

 

Benedict Arnold’s role as America’s most infamous traitor during the Revolutionary War is well known to every schoolchild. Once a highly esteemed Major General in the Continental Army, he secretly switched sides in the middle of the war. Arnold had been put in command of American fortifications at West Point (future site of the military academy) and in 1780, he conspired with British spies to turn the fort over to the Red Coats. The plot was foiled just in time and Arnold escaped, joining the King’s forces.

The turncoat waged a bloody campaign against his former compatriots. Most notoriously, he massacred patriots at Fort Griswold in his native Connecticut and burned down the nearby towns of Groton and New London, spreading desolation and woe in the region.

After the war, Arnold fled to England, where he lived out the remainder of his life bearing a blackened name synonymous with treason.

“In 1801, Benedict Arnold became deathly ill and fell into a state of delirium for four days,” revealed Greavesby. “He told relatives surrounding his deathbed that he had been visited by the spirit of George Washington, who’d died two years earlier. He fearfully told them that General Washington had put a curse on him, then just hours later he passed away.”

Over the succeeding years, Benedict Arnold’s spectral figure has been spotted by scores of witnesses, making nighttime rounds atop the walls of West Point.

“He’s described as wearing a grim expression and sometimes mournfully mouthing the words, ‘Forgive me,’” said Greavesby.

time_of_their_lives_washington_

Abbott and Costello in The Time of Our Lives

 

The Benedict Arnold Curse is said to have inspired the 1946 Abbott and Costello comedy The Time of Our Lives. In the film, tubby funnyman Costello plays a patriotic Revolutionary War tinker named Horatio Prim who is mistaken for a traitor and shot. His ghost is cursed to be earthbound “until the crack of doom,” unless it can be proven he was really a patriot.

Descendants of Arnold are relieved that their forebear has at long last been released from his earthly bonds.

“If Mr. Trump’s actions truly are responsible for Benedict’s salvation, he has our family’s eternal gratitude,” said great-great-great-great granddaughter Mrs. Millicent Killheady-White of London.

 

bENEDICT ARNOLD GHOST rOBIN

In popular fiction, Benedict Arnold’s ghost has battled Robin and Batgirl, as well as the Scooby Doo gang.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Copyright C. Michael FBorsyth

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Rump is Latest Plastic Surgery Fad   Leave a comment

US tycoon Donald Trump plays a stroke as

REARING TO GO: President Trump’s titanic tush has spawned a plastic surgery fad.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.

“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.

“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”

During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.

“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.

butt implant

JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.

In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.

“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”

It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.

Jennifer Lopez

DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping  hindquaters.

“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”

Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.

“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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