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BENEDICT ARNOLD’S GHOST FREED FROM CURSE — BY DONALD TRUMP!   Leave a comment

 

bENEDICT aRNOLD

TURNCOAT Benedict Arnold was America’s most notorious traitor.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

For more than 200 years, the restless spirit of Benedict Arnold has haunted West Point, cursed by George Washington himself to roam, earthbound, “as long as you are the greatest traitor in our nation’s history.” But now the curse appears to have been broken and the tortured ghost released — thanks to Russian-backed President Donald Trump!

Soon after Mr. Trump’s cozy relationship with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin came to light, four cadets at West Point — sworn to truthfulness in their honor code — claim they saw General Arnold’s eerie form walk into a beam of white light and vanish.

“The ghost gave a small, grateful smile and waved to us, then he slowly dissolved until there was nothing there,” reported one of the eyewitnesses.

A special counsel is currently investigating allegations that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian officials who interfered with the U.S. presidential election — in return for Trump’s guarantee that if elected, he’d lift sanctions against America’s adversary.

“The apparition has not been seen since May 17, the night after the special prosecutor was appointed. We can’t be sure if President Trump’s actions lifted the centuries-old curse, but it’s hard to believe the timing is coincidental,” observed Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.

Trump thumbs up

THUMBS UP: President Trump scored yet another victory by lifting curse on Benedict Arnold.

 

Benedict Arnold’s role as America’s most infamous traitor during the Revolutionary War is well known to every schoolchild. Once a highly esteemed Major General in the Continental Army, he secretly switched sides in the middle of the war. Arnold had been put in command of American fortifications at West Point (future site of the military academy) and in 1780, he conspired with British spies to turn the fort over to the Red Coats. The plot was foiled just in time and Arnold escaped, joining the King’s forces.

The turncoat waged a bloody campaign against his former compatriots. Most notoriously, he massacred patriots at Fort Griswold in his native Connecticut and burned down the nearby towns of Groton and New London, spreading desolation and woe in the region.

After the war, Arnold fled to England, where he lived out the remainder of his life bearing a blackened name synonymous with treason.

“In 1801, Benedict Arnold became deathly ill and fell into a state of delirium for four days,” revealed Greavesby. “He told relatives surrounding his deathbed that he had been visited by the spirit of George Washington, who’d died two years earlier. He fearfully told them that General Washington had put a curse on him, then just hours later he passed away.”

Over the succeeding years, Benedict Arnold’s spectral figure has been spotted by scores of witnesses, making nighttime rounds atop the walls of West Point.

“He’s described as wearing a grim expression and sometimes mournfully mouthing the words, ‘Forgive me,’” said Greavesby.

time_of_their_lives_washington_

Abbott and Costello in The Time of Our Lives

 

The Benedict Arnold Curse is said to have inspired the 1946 Abbott and Costello comedy The Time of Our Lives. In the film, tubby funnyman Costello plays a patriotic Revolutionary War tinker named Horatio Prim who is mistaken for a traitor and shot. His ghost is cursed to be earthbound “until the crack of doom,” unless it can be proven he was really a patriot.

Descendants of Arnold are relieved that their forebear has at long last been released from his earthly bonds.

“If Mr. Trump’s actions truly are responsible for Benedict’s salvation, he has our family’s eternal gratitude,” said great-great-great-great granddaughter Mrs. Millicent Killheady-White of London.

 

bENEDICT ARNOLD GHOST rOBIN

In popular fiction, Benedict Arnold’s ghost has battled Robin and Batgirl, as well as the Scooby Doo gang.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Copyright C. Michael FBorsyth

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Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Rump is Latest Plastic Surgery Fad   Leave a comment

US tycoon Donald Trump plays a stroke as

REARING TO GO: President Trump’s titanic tush has spawned a plastic surgery fad.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.

“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.

“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”

During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.

“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.

butt implant

JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.

In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.

“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”

It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.

Jennifer Lopez

DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping  hindquaters.

“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”

Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.

“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Spies from Botswana Set To Topple Putin — and Trump!   Leave a comment

Barney 2

GADGET GURU Barney Collier (Greg Morris) was a key member of the Mission: Impossible team.

By C. Michael Forsyth

The tiny African nation of Botswana has reportedly dispatched its own Mission: Impossible-type spy team to engineer the overthrow of Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. And even more shocking, their next target is American President Donald Trump!

“It’s total role reversal,” says a U.S. intelligence source who has compiled a dossier on the alleged scheme. “During the Cold War, it was the superpowers who sent spies to thwart the dictators of Third World countries. That scenario was played out again and again on the 1960s TV show Mission: Impossible, as the American spy ring concocted ingenious plots to bring about the downfall of the tin horn dictators of banana republics, played by actors like Ricardo Montalban and Fernando Lamas. Now it’s a small Third World country that’s deployed agents to rescue the two superpowers from authoritarian rule and make the world safe for democracy.”

Ricardo Montalban spy

Screen legend Ricardo Montalban frequently played tin horn dictators in ’60s spy shows.

The source likened the flip-flop to the movie The Mouse that Roared, in which the pint-sized European country of Grand Fenwick declares war on America and launches an invasion carried out by 20 men outfitted in medieval chainmail.

“The difference is that these are secret agents, not soldiers – and based on what we know of the efficiency of Botswana’s spy agency, there is a very real possibility that they will actually pull off their mission.”

Putin Crimea

President Putin is widely viewed as a vicious, cold-blooded tyrant. The former KGB boss has murdered a host of opponents, including journalists, activists, and political leaders – with radioactive materials his frequent weapon of choice — and he’s jailed scores of others, such as the peaceful protest group Pussy Riot. The Russian leader has also ruthlessly bombed civilians and rebel groups in Syria, brutalized Georgia and Chechnya, invaded Ukraine and brazenly annexed Crimea, the first such land grab in Europe since 1945.

Pussy riot jailed

Russians who dare to oppose Putin, like the group Pussy Riot, tend to wind up in jail — or dead.

“Putin has has flooded the West with so many spies that there are more in England today than during the Cold War – including those licensed to kill who carry out his personal vendettas,” the source revealed. “He’s a venal and violent real-life supervillain who usurped power and uses his position to enrich himself and his cronies, amassing a private fortune close to $200 billion. In the past, the CIA might have been ordered to quietly overthrow someone that evil, but that won’t happen, for obvious reasons. The government of Botswana’s president Seretse Khama Ian Khama sees Putin as a threat to world stability and feels it has a moral obligation to step in.”

Botswana map

Out of all the countries in Africa, it’s not entirely surprising that Botswana stepped up to the plate. While it has a miniscule population of about 2 million, it has never been conquered or colonized and is one of Africa’s most stable countries, boasting the continent’s longest continuous multi-party democracy. According to a recently BBC profile, it is virtually free of corruption and has an excellent human rights record.

“Botswana is the world’s largest producer of diamonds and the trade has transformed it into a middle income nation,” the report states. Gay rights groups have recently been granted legal recognition – a far cry from Russia, where Putin has issued draconian laws against the LGBT community. “Botswana has a long tradition of lively and unimpeded public debate,” according to the BBC, which notes that the government has allowed a “free and vigorous” press to flourish.

“In many ways it’s like the fictional country of Wakanda that the comic book hero The Black Panther calls home,” the intelligence source notes.

In contrast to the sober-minded leaders of Botswana, temperamental tycoon Trump has branded journalists “enemies of the people” – and that’s one of the red flags that raised concern in the African nation.

“Botswana sees Trump as potentially even more dangerous to world peace than Putin,” the source revealed. “A classified document we obtained describes him as an ‘emotionally unstable narcissist and pathological liar, with authoritarian tendencies.’ They fear that it’s simply too risky to allow someone like that to have his finger hovering over the red nuclear button.”

Trump dictator 2

Could Trump really be overthrown like the buffoonish leader of some banana republic?

How the African secret agents intend to bring down the two leaders is as yet unknown. Experts say that the Botswana intelligence agency is highly sophisticated, modeled closely on the superpowers’ own Cold War-era spy networks.

“We anticipate the use of intricate and cunning plots, high-tech gadgets hidden in objects such as watches, cigarette lighters and shoes, the use of glamorous lady spies and other staples of the intelligence field,” the source says. “Their agents have been trained in methods such as gaining access to secure facilities by pretending to be carpet cleaners and crawling through narrow airshafts.”

The fact that the agents are African and the Russian population is almost entirely white won’t pose much of an obstacle, he adds. “There have been incredible advances in disguise technology since those masks of the Mission: Impossible era.”

Mission impossible team

TV’s Mission: Impossible team employed  trickery, technology and clever disguises.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

“Alternate Ethics” Hot New Fad in Business and D.C.   Leave a comment

alternate trump

UPSIDE DOWN: According to the rules of alternate ethics, right and wrong are flip-flopped.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You’ve heard of “alternate facts” and “alternate science.” Now the most popular new buzz word in corporate America and politics is “alternate ethics.”

“Alternate ethics is a major game changer,” says consultant Gary Diplinskow, who teaches seminars on the subject at corporate retreats. “Using this dynamic management tool you can’t go wrong — literally. Under the old paradigm, to collude with a foreign power, take money under the table or lie under oath would be labeled ‘unethical.’ According to the new model, all that is more properly considered alternate ethical.”

The topsy-turvy trend began when top presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway introduced the concept of alternate facts — information that might be the opposite of the truth, yet is equally valid. Then, in March, Congress passed a law banning the EPA from considering much scientific proof of climate change, a move that many condemned as anti-science, but defenders call pro-alternate science.

“Alternate ethics is a natural extension of the principle that for everything, there is an equal and opposite version of that thing,” Diplinskow explains. “A practitioner deftly re-envisions ‘bad’ conduct as good conduct. It’s like turning a frown upside down.”

Alternate ethics significantly changes the language used in business and government to talk about what was once known as misconduct. Some examples of the new lingo:

Dumping toxic waste = Creating an environmental cleanup opportunity
Embezzlement = Asset self-appropriation
Treason = Loyalty realignment
False advertising = Elevating consumer expectations
Nepotism = Being a pro-family role model
Bribery = Generating a win-win scenario
Lying = Employing alternate facts
Safety violations = Creating a risk-friendly workplace
Union Busting = Enhancing the right to work
Stiffing creditors = Adjusting debt to zero
Insider trading = Maximizing value of exclusive access
Defrauding college students = Teaching millennials a life lesson

mirror mirror

In classic “Star Trek” episode “Mirror Mirror,” Captain Kirk finds himself in an alternate universe where our morals are inverted.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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