Archive for the ‘Weekly World News’ Category
By C. Michael Forsyth
Journalists nationwide are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to cover President Trump without using the word “lie.” While the prez has been caught making a slew of statements that aren’t quite true, news outlets such as NPR are avoiding the term out of concern that it sounds too judgmental.
“We’re scrambling to find other ways to say it,” said one befuddled newspaperman. “We don’t want readers to think we’re biased or disrespectful.”
As an aid to journalists, we’ve put together this handy list of three dozen terms they can use instead of the offensive “lie.”
Tall Tale
Whopper
Fib
Stretcher
Misrepresentation
Falsehood
Fiction
Untruth
Concoction
Canard
Prevarication
Cock and bull story
Fish story
Poppycock
Booty chatter
Bull honky
Crock
Flapdoodle
Inveracity
Misstatement
Prevarication
Rubbish
Twaddle
Piffle
Malarkey
Codswallop
Pish posh
Hokum
Baloney
Hooey
Hogwash
Moonshine
Balderdash
Horse manure
Jiggery-pokery
Bunk
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
.
Like this:
Like Loading...
The FACE OF EVIL: Twisted maniac Kim Jong Il hates animals
By C. Michael Forsyth
PYONGYANG, North Korea – In an unspeakably cruel act, heartless tyrant Kim Jong il has ordered the slaughter of all of his nation’s unicorns!
The endangered creatures, believed to number fewer than 100 in the wild, could all be rounded up and shot by as early as January if the diminutive despot gets his way.
“This is heartbreaking beyond measure,” declared Ms. Akemi R. Yamashita of the Tokyo-based League for Animal Justice. “These magnificent creatures are not only majestic and breathtakingly beautiful, they are a centuries-old symbol of purity and good. To destroy them wholesale is both senseless and evil.”
Unicorns were long believed to be merely the stuff of myth, until the 1992 discovery of a single specimen in Vietnam’s Vu Quang Nature Preserve, near the Laotian border. The sensational find, along with the discovery of a previously unknown species of egg-laying mammal, made headlines worldwide, although news accounts became muddled due to a photograph of its close relative the saola just hours earlier the same day.
Experts believe unicorns were hunted to the brink of extinction by peasants who used the gentle animals’ horns, in powdered form, as an aphrodisiac.
The majority of the remaining herds dwell in the remote Mount Paekdu Reserve in North Korea. The sprawling, 326,000-acre jungle is the habitat of many other endangered species, including the Siberian tiger, and is a protected U. N. forest preserve. But that didn’t stop pint-sized potentate Kim Jong il from issuing his bizarre October 18 decree that “useless” unicorns are to be “destroyed by year’s end.”
Though widely condemned by animal-rights organizations across Asia, the communist government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea vigorously defends the madman’s decision. Officials claim that meat from the horse-like mammals is badly needed to feed the country’s starving people.
“First the capitalists attack our noble leader for not doing enough about the famine in our nation. Now, when he takes decisive action, he is maligned again,” argued Da-Hyung Nang, a spokesman for the Ministry of Information. “Which is more important, human life or a handful of horses with horns?”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
HELP STOP THE MADNESS!
You can join the fight to save these precious creatures – before they are wiped off the face of the Earth forever. Email letters of support to your local chapter of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). They’ll see that your voice his heard by U.N. officials, who will put pressure on North Korea.
This writer's terrifying new novel HOUR OF THE BEAST is the perfect gift for Halloween! Give the gift of scary fun this year. And the eBOOK is a steal at just $5! Critics are calling it "gripping" and "Difficult to put down."
To check it out Hour of the Beast, CLICK HERE.
Like this:
Like Loading...
By C. Michael Forsyth
CHIGAGO – Forget what you’ve seen in Hollywood horror flicks like “Underworld.” Vampires and werewolves get on famously — and the friendly relationship dates back many centuries, according to top experts in the field.
“Many of my closest pals are werewolves,” reveals Charles Vinowinski, a self-proclaimed Chicago vampire who says he’s 128 years old, but looks a spry 60. “We go bowling together, hang out and visit each other’s homes to play board games on Saturday nights.”
The chummy relationship between the two species is a far cry from the hit movie “Underworld,” which depicts a war that’s been waged for eons.
“The vampire-werewolf alliance can be traced at least as far back as ancient Rome,” asserts folklorist Dr. Hans Reintenhauser of the Berlin Institute for the Study of Unusual Phenomenon.
“During the dark ages, vampires and werewolves were known to hunt together and operate in pairs. During the day, while in human form, the lycanthrope would protect the sleeping vampire from those who would do him or her harm.
“Because in those days both species were persecuted by ordinary people, they needed to work hand in hand for the sake of their own survival.”
Such “odd couples” still exist in modern times, according to the expert, author of the upcoming book, “Friends Forever: The Untold Story of the Vampire-Werewolf Kinship.”
“Yes there is sometimes rivalry between the two, which are so different in their temperaments; some good-natured ribbing and occasional bickering,” says Dr. Reintenhauser. “But it’s like something you’d see in a buddy movie like ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,’ or between Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in the ‘Rush Hour’ pictures. Deep down, there is an abundance of love and respect.”
Since both vampires and werewolves are believed to be immortal – barring a run-in with the business end of a sharpened stake or silver bullet – “buddy” pairs develop an incredibly strong bond over the centuries.
“Imagine a comedy duo like Abbot and Costello, who’ve worked together so long they can anticipate each other’s every thought, can finish each others’ sentences and have impeccable timing,” explains the researcher. “Now imagine that kind of link strengthening over the course of a thousand or more years.”
Wolfman Henry Yerbrough, 241, has such a close-knit bond with his longtime associate Jean-Claude Dujardane, whom he claims he met in a field hospital during the War of 1812.
“Jean-Claude and I are like brothers,” smiles Yerbrough, of Milwaukee. “He was the best man at my wedding and I’m the godfather of his three kids. When we travel, we share a hotel room and once a year we go fishing together in the mountains.
“A lot of people assume we’re gay, especially since I work in a hair salon,” he adds with a chuckle. “But trust me, I love women as much as the next guy.”
Brooklyn native Ed Neidorf Jr., who is comparatively young as vampires go, at age 78, says he can only remember a single violent encounter with werewolves.
“This was in the early 1950s and there was a ‘rumble’ between a couple of rival vampire and werewolf gangs,” recalls the plumbing contactor, who still sports jet-black hair. “No one was killed, but there were some minor injuries. I remember some pretty nasty epithets being hurled at me, like ‘bloodsucker’ and “leech.’
“We were all just young and stupid then.”
When vampires and lycanthropes see movies like “Underworld” and “Twilight Saga: New Moon,” which also portrays the two groups as age-old enemies, it makes their blood boil.
“Hollywood makes it look as if we fight like cats and dogs,” fumes Vinowinski, a house inspector. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
.
SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
*********************************************************************************************************
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
To check the shocking and controversial Hour of the Beast, CLICK HERE.
Like this:
Like Loading...
By C. Michael Forsyth
“The Wolfman” could not possibly find a more receptive audience than yours truly. As a child I was scared out of my wits by the 1941 original. (I was even terrified by Lon Chaney Jr.’s straight-faced reprise of the role in “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein”). The movie gave me werewolf nightmares for decades. I’ve always found the flesh-ripping, rampaging man-beasts more frightening than those urbane vampires, with whom one could conceivably reason. While I’m not a big believer in remakes, when I learned that a “Wolfman” update was in the works, I eagerly anticipated it. The prospect of what modern special effects could add to the story intrigued me. And when I saw the trailer, with its grade A set design and period costumes, along with gorgeous cinematography, I immediately put the film on the top of my must-see list.
To boot, the picture stars two of my favorite actors. I’ve been a fan of Anthony Hopkins since his chilling performance as a crazed ventriloquist in 1978’s “Magic.” (Just watch his face contort as a psychiatrist makes him try to keep his evil dummy silent for one minute). I’ve been following Benicio del Toro’s career with interest since his riveting turn as a brooding, switchblade-wielding henchman in the 1989 James Bond movie “License to Kill.” He even made my list of the top five Bond henchman.
Unfortunately, this man-wolf movie turns out to be a dog.
PROBLEM NUMBER 1: THE FILM ISN’T SCARY. The monster shows up way too early and appears on screen way too long. As is usually the case with movie monsters, this diminishes its ability to menace. I must admit, though, that the werewolf makeup — an update of the classic Universal version of the ‘40s — is pretty good, and a nice change from the usual “Howling”-type lycanthrope.
While the body count is impressive (I guarantee you’ll lose count) virtually all of the killings are of anonymous characters we’ve never seen before; monster fodder we couldn’t care less about.
PROBLEM NUMBER 2: THE FILM’S MAJOR PLOT TWIST IS INTERESTING, BUT IT’S TELEGRAPHED EARLY ON. Actually, “telegraphed” is far too generous. After all, to understand a telegraph machine, you need to know Morse code. This twist is displayed in bright red letters so big that unless you have trouble seeing the “E” on an eye chart, you’ll spot it a mile away.
PROBLEM NUMBER 3: THE PERFORMANCES ARE DREADFUL. Hopkins, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Hannibal Lecter in “Silence of the Lambs,” phones in this performance as the title character’s dad. Perhaps Sir Anthony has become too high and mighty to give a “mere” horror movie his all. Or maybe the veteran actor’s experienced nose recognized the movie as a turkey and he decided to just take the money and run. Or perhaps he was just having a bad few weeks. Hopkins is one of those actors (like fellow Welshman Richard Burton) who is really good when he’s good, and REALLY bad when he’s bad).
But it’s del Toro’s wooden performance as the doomed, werewolf-bitten protagonist Larry Talbot that really sinks the film. He wears only one expression throughout the 103-minute movie: brooding. Come to think if it, he was at his best as the BROODING cop in “Traffic.” Maybe as an actor the guy is just a one-trick pony.
It’s interesting that in the remake, the screenwriters chose to make Talbot an actor. But it’s a stretch to believe del Toro’s character has the risibility to emote on stage (especially during the 19th century, an era of extreme theatrical flamboyance).
In this story, the monster is also the hero, so if we can’t empathize with him, the drama falls flat. Lon Chaney Jr. was no Laurence Olivier (nor even a Lon Chaney Sr.). But he killed as Lenny in “Of Mice and Men” and he killed as Larry Talbot (no pun intended). We rooted for him to somehow escape his tragic predicament, just as we would later feel we were in the trenches with “that Doctor Pepper guy” in “An American Werewolf in London.” We don’t give two cents about del Toro’s lackluster Larry.
PROBLEM NUMBER 4: THE MOVIE’S CLIMAX FEATURES THE MOST ANNOYING HORROR CLICHÉ: TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING. My apologies to those of you who salivated at the prospect of Jason taking on Freddy Krueger, or Alien going toe-to-toe with Predator, but I usually find such clashes more comical than gripping. And most of the time, I find myself asking, “Who are we supposed to root for?”
SO TO RECAP, we’re talking about a horror movie that isn’t scary, a plot twist that doesn’t surprise us, a leading man who can’t act and a climax that’s laughable. Does at least the romantic SUBPLOT work? Nope.
PROBLEM NUMBER 5: THE ROMANCE BETWEEN TALBOT AND HIS SISTER-IN-LAW GWEN (EMILY BLUNT) IS UNCONVINCING. The love angle is called for by the movie’s structure, but it comes out of nowhere and feels forced. Plus del Toro and Blunt have little onscreen chemistry.
This hurts because the film’s denouement hinges on our belief that Gwen would risk her life for Larry. When Gwen vows to rescue Larry from the curse and seeks the counsel of the old Gypsy woman, the screenwriters had an opportunity to inject an interesting new element into the “Wolfman” mythology: a possible cure. Instead, the meeting is a bust. So Gwen rushes to the dangerous Talbot estate with no plan – except to run like hell. And, as we recall from the cult classic “Tremors,” “Running isn’t a plan. Running is what you do when a plan fails.”
However, in this case, I would say that if you happen to come across “The Wolfman” on the shelf in your local Blockbuster, that SHOULD be your plan: run like hell!
Speaking of werewolves, check out this story I wrote for Weekly World News, under one of my many pseudonyms: “Moon Rays Turned Apollo Astronauts into Werewolves!” http://books.google.com/books?id=0_MDAAAAMBAJ&lpg=PA51&ots=ltMYwUPq_S&dq=weekly%20world%20news%20astronauts%20werewolves&pg=PA51#v=onepage&q&f=false
Not all werewolf flick suck. Check out this video promoting the book Hour of the Beast.
To see the Hour of the Beast book trailer and hear Chapter One of the shocking, controversial horror, CLICK HERE.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Horror News 