WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.
“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.
“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”
In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.
“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”
Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.
LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts say this time, Hollywood got it right!
In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.
“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.
“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”
But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.
“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.
“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”
DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn.
Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.
“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”
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If you enjoyed this mind-bending supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new project…
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2
EDISON, N.J. –If you find yourself trapped in a haunted house with a malevolent ghost, head straight to the basement. That’s the surprising advice of a top expert in the supernatural!
“It sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of behaviors that seem stupid in a horror movie turn out to be highly successful survival strategies in the real world,” reveals Dr. Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.
“Disembodied souls generally frequent the areas of a house where they spent the most time while alive – for example the master bedroom or the kitchen. People spend hardly any time in their basement. That’s why it’s the place you’re least likely to encounter a ghost. If your haunted house doesn’t have a cellar, take refuge in the attic during a crisis.”
Here are six other vital tips from the researcher:
• ALWAYS SPLIT UP – “A ghost possesses only a finite amount of psychic energy,” Dr. Greavesby points out. “If it tries to attack five different people in five different rooms, that energy is divided and the ghost is weakened.”
SPLITTING up didn’t work out so well for the characters in “Scary Movie 2,” but in real life the strategy works.
• USE A FLICKERING FLASHLIGHT – A flashlight with a loose connection or dying batteries can save your hide. “Contrary to common belief, ghosts can’t see in the dark any better than the living can,” reveals the expert. “Indeed, you have the advantage since once the room is pitch black, you can feel your way out. Because a ghost’s hand will pass through solid objects, he or she can’t do that.”
FLASHLIGHT that doesn’t work gives you an advantage over ghosts.
• DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT’S HAUNTED – Packing your bags and fleeing with your family at the first sign of trouble is useless and potentially dangerous. “An evil spirit often follows a victim from one house to the next and may be angered that you’ve ‘abandoned’ it,” the expert explains.
CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.
WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.
• REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS — Ignore the warnings of old caretakers, ominous sounds, objects that move inexplicably, dolls whose heads turn in your direction and your children’s reports of having seen dead people. “Ghosts feed on fear – it’s the primary source of their energy,” says Greavesby. “Showing no fear causes that energy to dissipate. If you appear oblivious to the presence of a ghost after two months of rigorous haunting, it will grow frustrated and weary and cease its efforts to harass you.”
WE ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray poked fun at spirits in “Ghostbusters.”
• TAUNT THE SPIRIT – “You have to show the ghost who’s boss as soon as you move in,” explains the expert. “It’s like dealing with a bad dog. Establish early on who’s the alpha, the dominant one in the situation, and nine times out of ten it will back down.” Laughter is a potent weapon, he adds. “Mockery and insults such as classic ‘Yo mama’ jokes can quickly rob a ghost of its ‘mojo’. Curse words can be very effective, especially against spirits who lived in the 19th century and are unaccustomed to foul language.”
• HANDLE CURSED OBJECTS — Don’t hesitate to march into a “forbidden” room and pick up the dead person’s former prized possessions such as antique jewelry or an eerily lifelike portrait. Notes Greavesby, “If you boldly put on that necklace you’ve been warned never to touch, stare in the ‘haunted mirror’ and give the ghost you see behind you the finger, the spirit will know you can’t be intimidated and will most likely give up.”
WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel The Blood of Titans, a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click HERE.
EVEN GOOD GIRLS can become werewolves, as illustrated here by artist Kacey Miyagami
By C. Michael Forsyth
BUDAPEST, Hungary – When police found a stark-naked woman asleep on a park bench and arrested her for indecent exposure, she offered a novel excuse for her undignified state. The buxom blonde claimed that she’s a werewolf who shed her clothes to romp under the full moon the night before!
“In my 32 years on the bench, I thought I’d heard everything, but this takes ‘weird’ to a new level,” Judge Bartalan Gyori declared.
Irenke Fodor, a 28-year-old factory worker, was discovered on the east side of Varolsliget Park on the morning of October 17, police say.
“She was sprawled out with her legs wide apart, completely naked,” says police officer Peterke Bakos, who made the eye-popping discovery while on patrol with his female partner. “Her hair was a tangled mess, full of leaves, and her body was caked in mud. She was snoring loudly and it took several pokes with our batons to rouse her.
“We naturally assumed she was a party girl who’d had one too many at one of the local bars, stripped and went frolicking in the park.”
Fellow officer Anasztaizia Kardo says, “It was disgusting. She looked like a kurva (total skank). When we finally woke her, she leapt up and tried frantically to cover up her wares – as if she hadn’t put them on lewd display the night before. I frisked her, while my partner read the filthy little hussy her rights.”
The cops slapped handcuffs on the buck-naked beauty and carted her off to jail. It looked like an open and shut case – until Irenke’s lawyer stunned the courtroom at a preliminary hearing.
“My client’s position is that her garments were torn off when, without her volition, she transformed into a werewolf,” attorney Rezso Jozsa told the judge. “There was no criminal intent to expose herself indecently.”
The case has created a stir among court-watchers and Irenke has become a minor celebrity, nicknamed the “Naked Wolf Girl” by courthouse wags.
Due to harsh laws dating back to the werewolf panic of the 1700s, the young woman faces up to six years behind bars, should she plead guilty to the “crime” of lycanthropy. That’s a far stiffer penalty than the 30 days in jail and 100,000 forint (about $500 U.S) fine she would likely receive if convicted for the first time of indecent exposure. Yet, ignoring her attorney’s pleas, she stubbornly intends to cop a plea to the more serious crime at her next hearing, set for November 24.
“I want people to know that I am a decent woman,” Irenke told a reporter adamantly. “I am not some boozing slut.”
Copyright 2010, C. Michael Forsyth
SEXY AND TERRIFYING: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth is “gripping and fast-paced,” critics say.
The FACE OF EVIL: Twisted maniac Kim Jong Il hates animals
By C. Michael Forsyth
PYONGYANG, North Korea – In an unspeakably cruel act, heartless tyrant Kim Jong il has ordered the slaughter of all of his nation’s unicorns!
The endangered creatures, believed to number fewer than 100 in the wild, could all be rounded up and shot by as early as January if the diminutive despot gets his way.
“This is heartbreaking beyond measure,” declared Ms. Akemi R. Yamashita of the Tokyo-based League for Animal Justice. “These magnificent creatures are not only majestic and breathtakingly beautiful, they are a centuries-old symbol of purity and good. To destroy them wholesale is both senseless and evil.”
Unicorns were long believed to be merely the stuff of myth, until the 1992 discovery of a single specimen in Vietnam’s Vu Quang Nature Preserve, near the Laotian border. The sensational find, along with the discovery of a previously unknown species of egg-laying mammal, made headlines worldwide, although news accounts became muddled due to a photograph of its close relative the saola just hours earlier the same day.
Experts believe unicorns were hunted to the brink of extinction by peasants who used the gentle animals’ horns, in powdered form, as an aphrodisiac.
The majority of the remaining herds dwell in the remote Mount Paekdu Reserve in North Korea. The sprawling, 326,000-acre jungle is the habitat of many other endangered species, including the Siberian tiger, and is a protected U. N. forest preserve. But that didn’t stop pint-sized potentate Kim Jong il from issuing his bizarre October 18 decree that “useless” unicorns are to be “destroyed by year’s end.”
Though widely condemned by animal-rights organizations across Asia, the communist government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea vigorously defends the madman’s decision. Officials claim that meat from the horse-like mammals is badly needed to feed the country’s starving people.
“First the capitalists attack our noble leader for not doing enough about the famine in our nation. Now, when he takes decisive action, he is maligned again,” argued Da-Hyung Nang, a spokesman for the Ministry of Information. “Which is more important, human life or a handful of horses with horns?”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
HELP STOP THE MADNESS!
You can join the fight to save these precious creatures – before they are wiped off the face of the Earth forever. Email letters of support to your local chapter of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). They’ll see that your voice his heard by U.N. officials, who will put pressure on North Korea.
This writer's terrifying new novel HOUR OF THE BEAST is the perfect gift for Halloween! Give the gift of scary fun this year. And the eBOOK is a steal at just $5! Critics are calling it "gripping" and "Difficult to put down."
CHIGAGO – Forget what you’ve seen in Hollywood horror flicks like “Underworld.” Vampires and werewolves get on famously — and the friendly relationship dates back many centuries, according to top experts in the field.
“Many of my closest pals are werewolves,” reveals Charles Vinowinski, a self-proclaimed Chicago vampire who says he’s 128 years old, but looks a spry 60. “We go bowling together, hang out and visit each other’s homes to play board games on Saturday nights.”
The chummy relationship between the two species is a far cry from the hit movie “Underworld,” which depicts a war that’s been waged for eons.
“The vampire-werewolf alliance can be traced at least as far back as ancient Rome,” asserts folklorist Dr. Hans Reintenhauser of the Berlin Institute for the Study of Unusual Phenomenon.
“During the dark ages, vampires and werewolves were known to hunt together and operate in pairs. During the day, while in human form, the lycanthrope would protect the sleeping vampire from those who would do him or her harm.
“Because in those days both species were persecuted by ordinary people, they needed to work hand in hand for the sake of their own survival.”
Such “odd couples” still exist in modern times, according to the expert, author of the upcoming book, “Friends Forever: The Untold Story of the Vampire-Werewolf Kinship.”
“Yes there is sometimes rivalry between the two, which are so different in their temperaments; some good-natured ribbing and occasional bickering,” says Dr. Reintenhauser. “But it’s like something you’d see in a buddy movie like ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,’ or between Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in the ‘Rush Hour’ pictures. Deep down, there is an abundance of love and respect.”
Since both vampires and werewolves are believed to be immortal – barring a run-in with the business end of a sharpened stake or silver bullet – “buddy” pairs develop an incredibly strong bond over the centuries.
“Imagine a comedy duo like Abbot and Costello, who’ve worked together so long they can anticipate each other’s every thought, can finish each others’ sentences and have impeccable timing,” explains the researcher. “Now imagine that kind of link strengthening over the course of a thousand or more years.”
Wolfman Henry Yerbrough, 241, has such a close-knit bond with his longtime associate Jean-Claude Dujardane, whom he claims he met in a field hospital during the War of 1812.
“Jean-Claude and I are like brothers,” smiles Yerbrough, of Milwaukee. “He was the best man at my wedding and I’m the godfather of his three kids. When we travel, we share a hotel room and once a year we go fishing together in the mountains.
“A lot of people assume we’re gay, especially since I work in a hair salon,” he adds with a chuckle. “But trust me, I love women as much as the next guy.”
Brooklyn native Ed Neidorf Jr., who is comparatively young as vampires go, at age 78, says he can only remember a single violent encounter with werewolves.
“This was in the early 1950s and there was a ‘rumble’ between a couple of rival vampire and werewolf gangs,” recalls the plumbing contactor, who still sports jet-black hair. “No one was killed, but there were some minor injuries. I remember some pretty nasty epithets being hurled at me, like ‘bloodsucker’ and “leech.’
“We were all just young and stupid then.”
When vampires and lycanthropes see movies like “Underworld” and “Twilight Saga: New Moon,” which also portrays the two groups as age-old enemies, it makes their blood boil.
“Hollywood makes it look as if we fight like cats and dogs,” fumes Vinowinski, a house inspector. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
To check the shocking and controversial Hour of the Beast, CLICK HERE.
“The Wolfman” could not possibly find a more receptive audience than yours truly. As a child I was scared out of my wits by the 1941 original. (I was even terrified by Lon Chaney Jr.’s straight-faced reprise of the role in “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein”). The movie gave me werewolf nightmares for decades. I’ve always found the flesh-ripping, rampaging man-beasts more frightening than those urbane vampires, with whom one could conceivably reason. While I’m not a big believer in remakes, when I learned that a “Wolfman” update was in the works, I eagerly anticipated it. The prospect of what modern special effects could add to the story intrigued me. And when I saw the trailer, with its grade A set design and period costumes, along with gorgeous cinematography, I immediately put the film on the top of my must-see list.
To boot, the picture stars two of my favorite actors. I’ve been a fan of Anthony Hopkins since his chilling performance as a crazed ventriloquist in 1978’s “Magic.” (Just watch his face contort as a psychiatrist makes him try to keep his evil dummy silent for one minute). I’ve been following Benicio del Toro’s career with interest since his riveting turn as a brooding, switchblade-wielding henchman in the 1989 James Bond movie “License to Kill.” He even made my list of the top five Bond henchman.
Unfortunately, this man-wolf movie turns out to be a dog.
PROBLEM NUMBER 1: THE FILM ISN’T SCARY. The monster shows up way too early and appears on screen way too long. As is usually the case with movie monsters, this diminishes its ability to menace. I must admit, though, that the werewolf makeup — an update of the classic Universal version of the ‘40s — is pretty good, and a nice change from the usual “Howling”-type lycanthrope.
While the body count is impressive (I guarantee you’ll lose count) virtually all of the killings are of anonymous characters we’ve never seen before; monster fodder we couldn’t care less about.
PROBLEM NUMBER 2: THE FILM’S MAJOR PLOT TWIST IS INTERESTING, BUT IT’S TELEGRAPHED EARLY ON. Actually, “telegraphed” is far too generous. After all, to understand a telegraph machine, you need to know Morse code. This twist is displayed in bright red letters so big that unless you have trouble seeing the “E” on an eye chart, you’ll spot it a mile away.
PROBLEM NUMBER 3: THE PERFORMANCES ARE DREADFUL. Hopkins, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Hannibal Lecter in “Silence of the Lambs,” phones in this performance as the title character’s dad. Perhaps Sir Anthony has become too high and mighty to give a “mere” horror movie his all. Or maybe the veteran actor’s experienced nose recognized the movie as a turkey and he decided to just take the money and run. Or perhaps he was just having a bad few weeks. Hopkins is one of those actors (like fellow Welshman Richard Burton) who is really good when he’s good, and REALLY bad when he’s bad).
But it’s del Toro’s wooden performance as the doomed, werewolf-bitten protagonist Larry Talbot that really sinks the film. He wears only one expression throughout the 103-minute movie: brooding. Come to think if it, he was at his best as the BROODING cop in “Traffic.” Maybe as an actor the guy is just a one-trick pony.
It’s interesting that in the remake, the screenwriters chose to make Talbot an actor. But it’s a stretch to believe del Toro’s character has the risibility to emote on stage (especially during the 19th century, an era of extreme theatrical flamboyance).
In this story, the monster is also the hero, so if we can’t empathize with him, the drama falls flat. Lon Chaney Jr. was no Laurence Olivier (nor even a Lon Chaney Sr.). But he killed as Lenny in “Of Mice and Men” and he killed as Larry Talbot (no pun intended). We rooted for him to somehow escape his tragic predicament, just as we would later feel we were in the trenches with “that Doctor Pepper guy” in “An American Werewolf in London.” We don’t give two cents about del Toro’s lackluster Larry.
PROBLEM NUMBER 4: THE MOVIE’S CLIMAX FEATURES THE MOST ANNOYING HORROR CLICHÉ: TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING. My apologies to those of you who salivated at the prospect of Jason taking on Freddy Krueger, or Alien going toe-to-toe with Predator, but I usually find such clashes more comical than gripping. And most of the time, I find myself asking, “Who are we supposed to root for?”
SO TO RECAP, we’re talking about a horror movie that isn’t scary, a plot twist that doesn’t surprise us, a leading man who can’t act and a climax that’s laughable. Does at least the romantic SUBPLOT work? Nope.
PROBLEM NUMBER 5: THE ROMANCE BETWEEN TALBOT AND HIS SISTER-IN-LAW GWEN (EMILY BLUNT) IS UNCONVINCING. The love angle is called for by the movie’s structure, but it comes out of nowhere and feels forced. Plus del Toro and Blunt have little onscreen chemistry.
This hurts because the film’s denouement hinges on our belief that Gwen would risk her life for Larry. When Gwen vows to rescue Larry from the curse and seeks the counsel of the old Gypsy woman, the screenwriters had an opportunity to inject an interesting new element into the “Wolfman” mythology: a possible cure. Instead, the meeting is a bust. So Gwen rushes to the dangerous Talbot estate with no plan – except to run like hell. And, as we recall from the cult classic “Tremors,” “Running isn’t a plan. Running is what you do when a plan fails.”
However, in this case, I would say that if you happen to come across “The Wolfman” on the shelf in your local Blockbuster, that SHOULD be your plan: run like hell!
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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