Agent Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) tries to recall the message he just heard, on Mission:Impossible
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — In the wake of the Hillary Clinton email scandal, State Department officials are returning to a tried-and-true method for sending sensitive messages securely: audiotapes that self-destruct!
“Emails are just too easy to hack, whether they’re stored on a private server or a government one,” revealed a State Dept. insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve decided to go old school.”
Fans of TV’s Mission: Impossible will remember how spy master Jim Phelps received each assignment on an audiotape, followed by the warning, “As always, should you or any of your I.M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.”
The insider explained, “Unlike the emails of today, back then no one could dig up proof that a Secretary of State or the President authorized the overthrow of a brutal dictator.”
While Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server got her in hot water, hackers believed to be working for the Russian government subsequently hacked the State Department’s own email system, in what intelligence officials called the “worst ever” cyberattack intrusion against a federal agency.
“That forced us to think outside the box and take a fresh look at older forms of communication such as telephone calls,” said the insider. “We developing a system that operates on an entirely different frequency from cell networks, to prevent signals from being intercepted. The technical details are classified, but it’s not unlike those pen phone communicators used by the agents on Man From U.N.C.L.E.“
To foil enemy agents, State Department officials may even resort to the most low-tech form of communication imaginable: meeting face to face on a park bench and trading information while sipping Starbucks coffee.
However, not everyone in the agency is excited about the throwback to antiquated technology.
Said one disgruntled official, “What’s next, shoe phones?”
On Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) could contact his boss securely using a communicator disguised as a pen.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
.
SEAN CONNERY would never abuse Her Majesty's gadgets.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON – A British secret agent faces severe disciplinary action after he used his car’s ejector seat to propel his yappy girlfriend from the vehicle!
The 38-year-old operative, whose name has been withheld by MI6 officials, admits that he exercised “exceedingly poor judgment” when he engaged the device as his vintage 1963 Astin Martin DB5 barreled down a country road at 75 m.p.h.
“She kept going on and on about how I was a ‘womanizer’ and was ‘afraid to commit,’” the spy confessed to his superiors. “I kept warning her that I was going to push the button, but the little fool wouldn’t listen. Finally, I just snapped.
“The last thing I remember hearing before she went airborne was, ‘You wouldn’t dare…’ ”
Miraculously, the 24-year-old brunette came down safely in a farmer’s field 150 feet from the road.
“She landed on her bum on a haystack,” said Police Constable Graham Lockenby, who responded to the incident. “Luckily, nothing was injured but her pride.”
According to reports in the British press, the field agent has had his license to kill suspended and he has been reassigned to a desk job pending a full investigation.
Some female officials at the intelligence agency are calling for the employee’s head.
“This is just the kind of reckless, misogynistic behavior we’ve been trying to eradicate from the espionage community for years,” fumed one administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“This irresponsible ruffian doesn’t deserve to carry a driver’s license, let alone a license to kill.”
Some of the agent’s male colleagues were more charitable.
“The old boy had been having a spell of rotten luck,” revealed a fellow agent. “He lost his favorite watch in a pool full of man-eating sharks, and he spent most of the morning trying to fit his miniature helicopter back into its suitcase.
“Yes, his conduct was unbecoming an English gentleman, but it was the sort of silly thing any of us might do at the end of a frustrating day.”
The agency has convinced the young woman, a West End beautician, not to file a lawsuit, for the “good of queen and country.” But she hasn’t yet forgiven her superspy sweetheart for his ungentlemanly behavior.
“These blokes think that because they have one of those bloody licenses to kill they can do whatever they please,” she told a London tabloid.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
The scariest werewolf novel you'll ever read: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth
Check out HOUR OF THE BEAST by clicking HERE.
Horror News 