Today, we hail vampire hunters. Without these intrepid heroes, the world would be overrun by blood-slurping creatures of the night. Armed with crossbows, stakes, crucifixes and holy water, they fearlessly go toe-to-toe with one of the most formidable of all supernatural beings.
Below are the 15 top vampire slayers of film and TV:
BLADE
Blade is the ultimate vampire-stomping badass. Portrayed by Wesley Snipes in the 1998 film Blade and two sequels, the African American superhero uses martial arts, a titanium sword, a modified MAC-11 gun and a variety of gadgets cooked up by his mentor Whistler, to wage war on the undead. Blade, whose mom was infected by a vampire while pregnant, is a dhampir, possessing the speed and strength of vamps, with none of their vulnerabilities. Driven by hatred of the creatures who stole his mom from him, Blade (real name: Eric Brooks) first appeared in the Marvel comic The Tomb of Dracula in 1973.
BUFFY SUMMERS
To the casual observer, Buffy is an airheaded blond cheerleader type. But in reality, she is the Chosen One in a long line of vampire slayers. In each generation, a girl arises to battle the forces of darkness, endowed with exceptional physical prowess and fighting abilities. Buffy’s gifts are enhanced by her Watcher, the stuffy Englishman Giles who takes a job as the school librarian at Sunnydale High School to train her. Assisted by her teenage pals, who nickname themselves the Scooby Gang, Buffy deftly dispatches vampires, demons and other supernatural menaces. The character was played by Kristy Swanson in the 1992 movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer and by Sarah Michelle Gellar in the TV series (1997-2003).
ABRAHAM VAN HELSING
Professor Abraham Van Helsing is the godfather of vampire hunters, first appearing in Bram Stoker’s 1897 classic Dracula, and later in innumerable films. The aged Dutch doctor is described in the book as “a philosopher and metaphysician and one of the most advanced scientists of his day,” and in his letters, his signature is followed by a string of credentials, including MD, D.Ph and D.Litt. His wisdom and knowledge of the occult are crucial to the band of heroes, including Jonathan and Mina Harker, who ultimately destroy Dracula. Elderly, thick-accented actor Edward Van Sloan established the character memorably in the 1931 Bela Lugosi movie. But it was British actor Peter Cushing who delivered the most iconic incarnation of Dracula’s chief adversary. His Van Helsing is physically robust and resourceful. His most badass move was putting two candlesticks together to create a makeshift cross that he uses to take down the king of vampires in The Horror of Dracula (1958). Several of the professor’s descendants carry on the ceaseless fight against the undead, including Lorrimer Van Helsing, played by Cushing in Dracula A.D . 1972.
CAPTAIN KRONOS
The swashbuckling hero of the Hammer movie Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter (1973) is a dashing swordsman and former army officer. Captain Kronos (Horst Janson) travels Europe destroying vampires with the aid of his partner, the hunchbacked Professor Hieronymus Grost (John Cater), who is the brains of the operation. Their task is tricky because it turns out that, as Grost explains, “There are as many species of vampire as there are beasts of prey,” each variety with its own powers and vulnerabilities. The creature who plagues a Romanian village in this film cannot be killed by a wooden stake, and drains victims of their youth rather than blood. Kronos and his companion must figure out which member of the community is the vampire, as well as discover how to liquidate it. They are joined in the hunt by a beautiful Romani (formerly known as Gypsy) woman Carla (Caroline Munro), who had been put in the stocks for dancing on Sunday. I would have loved to see a film series in which the duo exterminate a different breed of vampire in each picture, but alas, this was the character’s only screen appearance.
J
JACK CROW
Jack Crow is the surly hero of John Carpenter’s 1998 film Vampires, played by wiry James Woods, whose pockmarked mug and sour screen persona usually land him villain roles. Crow leads a team of vampire hunters whose brutal techniques include using a grappling hook, cable and truck to haul snoozing bloodsuckers from their lairs out into the sunlight. Although his unit serves under the auspices of the Catholic Church, Crow is foul-mouthed, cynical, and not above beating the stuffings out of an uncooperative priest. In the film, Jack pursues a master vampire who is seeking a relic that will allow him to become invulnerable to sunlight. One of Jack’s most valuable team members is played by the least-known Baldwin brother Daniel, who, despite his obscurity is great in the flick!
SAM AND DEAN WINCHESTER
Hunky brothers Sam and Dean Winchester, the heroes of the TV show Supernatural, follow in their dad’s footsteps in hunting down and destroying things that go bump in the night, from demons to killer clowns. So, naturally, vampires are among their quarry. Atypically, in the Supernatural universe, wooden stakes don’t harm vampires. Blood-drinkers have to be beheaded, and the beer-swilling bros are happy to oblige. Not only do the pair wipe out multiple vampire nests, they manage to kill the Alpha Vampire, the original bloodsucker who got the evil plague rolling and is the most powerful of them all. They are even able to restore Dean to normal after he’s bitten and sprouts fangs. That said, they do have a soft spot for fangers who restrict their diet to donated blood bags and animals. And a vampire named Benny becomes Dean’s best friend after helping him survive a stint in Purgatory.
GABRIEL VAN HELSING
Gabriel, hero of the 2004 movie Van Helsing, is best viewed as an entirely different character from Professor Abraham Van Helsing of Dracula fame. (Although he is described as a “re-imagined” version of the original in studio publicity materials). Certainly, his persona is a far cry from the cerebral Dutch doctor. This Van Helsing is a man of action played with steely Clint Eastwood machismo by Hugh Jackson. His backstory is considerably different from Abraham’s. Gabriel remembers nothing before he was found crawling up the steps of a church—and the screenplay hints that he is actually the angel Gabriel in human form! He yearns to earn a pardon for whatever forgotten sins he may have committed and thus regain his memory. To do so, he combats evil on behalf of the secret, Vatican-based Holy Order, which has protected mankind “from time immemorial.” Gabriel employs a variety of steampunk weapons to battle monsters who include Mr. Hyde, werewolves, harpy vampires and most importantly Dracula—who has hatched an evil plot to spawn hundreds of offspring growing in pods similar to those in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
CARL KOLCHAK
Veteran wire service reporter Carl Kolchak has a nose for a good story. Unfortunately, many of his scoops never see the light of day, because they are about supernatural creatures! Each week, on the TV series The Night Stalker (1974-75), Kolchak turns up evidence that a mysterious death is the work of a monster; he doggedly investigates the case and finds a way to destroy the big bad—usually surviving only by the skin of his teeth. Unfortunately, the proof is almost always destroyed as well, making his claims implausible, especially to his grumpy boss Tony Vincenzo (Simon Oakland) who refuses to print the articles. In his first outing, in the 1972 TV movie The Night Stalker, Kolchak discovers that a serial killer hunted by the police is actually a vampire and is forced to take matters into his own hands.
Although the show ran only one season, it is a cult favorite that inspired several subsequent monster-of-the-week series, including The X Files. One of the reasons for its popularity is undoubtedly the believable depiction of a crafty reporter, played with irascible charm by Darren McGavin. It’s never really explained why Kolchak just happens to keep stumbling across monsters. My pet theory is that he was chosen by some higher power to be a white knight.
VANESSA VAN HELSING
Vanessa, herorine of the SyFy series Van Helsing (2016-2021), is a descendent of the legendary vampire-slayer Abraham Van Helsing. However, Vanessa (Kelly Overton) was adopted and has no knowledge of her impressive pedigree. The young woman wakes from a mysterious, coma-like state, and quickly learns that during her three years out of commission, vampires have taken over the world. Luckily for humanity, Vanessa has extraordinary fighting skills that make her the perfect vamp-busting machine–and better than that, her bite turns vampires back into normal humans. Also, in what is more of a mixed blessing, when she consumes blood herself, she becomes even stronger and faster. Unlike her brainy forebear, Vanessa relies on instinct more than strategy. And another drawback of her unusual condition is that when she feels threatened, she flies into an animalistic rage, killing without mercy. The show was inspired by Zenoscope Entertainment’s graphic novel series.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Honest Abe was more than our greatest president—he was also a prolific vampire slayer who used his wood-chopping skills and trusty ax to vanquish scores of the undead. That’s the fanciful conceit of the movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith. In this weird alternate version of history, at the tender age of 11, Abraham watches helplessly as a vampire attacks his mother, causing her death. The lanky country boy vows revenge and sets out to rub out every bloodsucker he can lay his hands on. He is aided in this quest by a mysterious mentor who teaches him vampire-slaying essentials—and even provides him with the names and whereabouts of people who are secretly vampires. Lincoln soon learns that vampires, whose stronghold is the South, are using slaves as a food source. He runs for President not only to save the Union but to end slavery, and to drive vampires from America’s shores.
DR. ROBERT NEVILLE AKA NEVILLE MORGAN
The chilling movie The Last Man on Earth (1964) was the first to depict a vampire apocalypse. Dr. Robert Morgan is the sole survivor in a world where everyone else has been infected by a mysterious plague. The disease has turned them undead, vampiric creatures that can’t stand sunlight, fear mirrors and are repelled by garlic. At night, Robert (Vincent Price) remains barricaded in his home. Each day, he embarks on a monotonous and grim routine, gathering his weapons and going on the prowl for dormant blood-drinkers. Those he finds, he dispatches with a stake, then burns their corpses to prevent them from coming back. The movie is based on Richard Matheson’s 1954 novel I Am Legend, in which the character’s last name is Neville, as in the 1971 version The Omega Man starring Charlton Heston and I am Legend (2007) starring Will Smith.
RAYNA CRUZ
The TV series The Vampire Diaries (2009-2017) featured plenty of vampire hunters. But Rayna Cruz (Leslie-Anne Panaligan) is without question the most powerful and relentless. Rayna has been a vampire slayer since the 19th century, when a group of Native American shaman cast a spell giving her enhanced abilities. She has incredible strength and speed, slowed-down aging, and most nifty of all, multiple lives, enabling her to bounce back from the dead. Rayna is armed with the mystical Phoenix Sword, given to her by her father and enchanted by the Shaman, that gives her the power to track down any vamp whom she’s stabbed. What’s more, the hilt contains the Phoenix stone, into which she can entrap a vampire’s soul and where they endure a personal hell.
THE ULTRAVIOLET TEAM
In the 1998 British mini-series Ultraviolet, a top-secret paramilitary organization known as the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith hunts down and slaughters vampires, with the joint support of both the British government and the Vatican. Global warming is once again the culprit, having spurred vampires to come out of the shadows to seize control of the planet. Led by a priest, the outfit uses brutal tactics to exterminate vampires, while investigating their plots against humankind. The team includes Detective Sergeant Michael Colefield (Jack Davenport), while Idris Elba costars as Vaughn Rice.
PETER VINCENT
Peter Vincent is a fearless vampire killer—or at least that was his role in the cheesy old movies shown late at night on a TV show named Fright Night, hosted by the retired actor. The real Peter, played by Roddy McDowell in the 1985 movie of the same name, is actually a rather timid, prissy fellow. When high school teen Charlie Brewster (William Ragsdale), a fan of the show, discovers that his next-door neighbor is a vampire, he takes the (totally illogical) step of seeking the assistance of his idol. Roddy gives the best performance of his life as the reluctant hero. In the 2011 remake, David Tennant plays Peter Vincent, this time a Las Vegas magician who incorporates vampire themes into his act and is known for his expertise on the subject. (This change makes it a lot less ridiculous for Charlie to turn to him for help). The name is, obviously, a tip of the hat to horror legends Peter Cushing and Vincent Price.
It’s a sure bet that I will soon be adding another name to this list. Jamie Foxx is starring as a hardboiled vampire hunter, along with Snoop Dog, in the upcoming Netflix movie Day Shift, set to air in August, 2022. Director J.J. Perry and producer Chad Stahelski both worked on the John Wick films, and they promise to bring the thrills of that action-packed, blood-splattering franchise to the world of vampires. The “first look” released by Netflix is awesome, packed with loads of eye-popping stunts and practical effects.
I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, please take a moment to check out my latest project…
THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the two-part graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black. Volume One is available on Amazon, and pre-orders are available for Volume 2.
NEW YORK CITY — Anti-manspreading crusaders aren’t taking the problem sitting down. They’ve launched a nationwide campaign to snuff out the rude male behavior—by training guys to sit with their ankles primly crossed.
“In etiquette classes, properly raised young ladies are taught to sit with their ankles crossed—never with their knees spread wide, which is of course quite vulgar,” explained retired etiquette instructor Clarice Bowdlake, who spent her 30-year career at a girls’ school for manners. “It is time we teach men to do the same. There is no reason why even the most uneducated man cannot learn to sit with the grace and decorum of Queen Elizabeth.”
There is an epidemic of manspreading on public transportation, experts say.
NEW YORK CITY — Manspreading is when a man sits with his knees spread brazenly apart, particularly on a bus or subway seat when doing so takes up extra space. The inconsiderate conduct has become a bane of female commuters, who complain that they end up either having to stand or sit squeezed uncomfortably to one side.
The training program is the brainchild of activist Courtney Featherstein, who has pushed through numerous ordinances regulating manspreading across the country. Her organization Close Your Legs has hired dozens of expert instructors like Bowdlake to lead classes in 20 cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and D.C.
“Manspreading is more than just an affront to basic civility, it’s a primary symbol of male privilege,” Featherstein declared. “Men use it as a way to project dominance.”
Manspreading is used to communicate power, as in this case where two leaders vie to out-manspread each other.
The two-hour training sessions, which cost $140, don’t just cover sitting. Male enrolees are also shown the proper way to hold a teacup—one pinky extended—curtsey, avoid burping and other basics.
Many of the students are progressive men hoping to learn more sensitive behavior and earn points with their girlfriends. Others have been sent to the classes by forward-looking businesses that cough up the fee and give employees time off to attend. For now, participation is voluntary, but Featherstein hopes that one day soon, high schools will make such classes mandatory for all young males.
“I’d like to see it become as routine as taking a driver’s ed course,” she said.
American men need to be educated on the important issue, the activist revealed. Stunningly, many still don’t even know what manspreading is.
Admits Nick R., 35, of Bangor, Maine, “When I saw a headline with the word ‘manspreading’ in it last year, I thought it was some kind of new gay bedroom move, and I skipped the article.”
But ignorance and homophobia aren’t the only obstacles to stamping out manspreading. So-called “men’s rights” organizations have been whining that the whole movement is anti-male.
“I’d love to sit with my knees pressed together on a bus or subway, but we men have something between our legs we call testicles,” insisted Jerry Nogland, president of the Male Liberation Brigade. “These women are trying to create a society in which all men are effete wusses, like in that movie Zardoz. It’s not right.”
In the bizarre 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz, Sean Connery plays the last remaining masculine human on the planet.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The statues of 13 Confederate war heroes have come alive to seek revenge on the living, according to horrified paranormal investigators.
At least eight deaths and 36 sword and cannon injuries have been attributed to the golem-like figures, since their removal from public parks and town squares. The victims have primarily been liberal activists who had pushed for the removal of the controversial monuments, but the take-no-prisoners statues mow down anyone who stands in their way. Even an ice cream vendor was trampled to death when he inadvertently blocked the path of the mounted statue of General Robert E. Lee as the frightening figure galloped down the sidewalk.
“These entities are very, very angry,” said psychic researcher Ted Luebeck. ” We’re asking for the public’s help in tracking the statues down before they do more harm.”
Community organizer Margaret Fisling fell victim to a 102-year-old statue of General Stonewall Jackson as she was erecting an “Impeach Donald Trump” lawn sign outside her Charlotte home. Her husband Keith watched in helpless horror as the marble menace bore down on the 45-year-old woman, sword waving.
“First, we heard the eerie sound of ‘Dixie’ whistling over the wind,” said Fisling. “When we looked up we saw the statue, which we recognized from protest marches, charging straight us. I dove behind our garden gnome, but Maggie couldn’t get out of the way in time. Gen. Jackson’s horse knocked her down, then after about 50 feet, he turned around. He pointed his saber, galloped forward at full speed and sliced off her head off. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
Authorities were initially skeptical of the far-fetched story, until police discovered horse tracks on the scene and residue consistent with pigeon droppings.
Since May, scores of monuments honoring Confederate generals, as well as Jefferson Davis and the judge who ruled in favor of slavery in the Dredd Scott decision, have been removed from cities in North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee and other states. While some have found new homes in museums, or as lawn ornaments for Civil War buffs, most have been shipped for temporary housing at warehouses. The 13 that sprang to life were all kept at the Old Times Warehouse and Antique Shop on the outskirts of Charlotte, according to investigator Luebeck.
REMOVAL of statues of Confederate greats like the beloved General Robert E. Lee has sparked a nationwide debate.
A statue of General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who became an organizer of the Klu Klux Klan after the war, was the first to go missing from the storage facility, on August 16.
“That morning, I was wheeling in the latest addition, some colonel who fought in the Battle of Bull Run, when I found the spot where the Forrest statue had been gathering dust for months was empty,” said warehouse employee Stan Beasby. “At first, we figured it had been stolen, but it was funny because that statue weighs over 3,500 pounds. Who would have thought these guys have been marching and riding straight out of here?”
Over the following several nights, the statues of other legendary soldiers went on the lam, as well as a bust of General P.G.T. Beauregard that’s believed to have hopped to freedom. Paranormal experts can’t explain how the statues, most chiseled out of solid stone or made of bronze, and have no joints, are moving about. However, they do have a theory about the supernatural mechanism that has animated them.
“The warehouse also holds old store mannequins, junk from amusement park haunted houses, and figures from a wax museum in New Orleans that shut down last year,” Luebeck revealed.
“Back in 1988, a group of college students carried out a ‘voodoo’ ceremony that briefly brought some of the wax figures alive for two days, including one of Lizzie Borden. There were several serious injuries before they were put down with a blowtorch. We believe it’s conceivable that the surviving wax figures somehow ‘infected’ the Confederate statues.”
STATUES rarely come to life outside of movies like the 1963 Ray Harryhausen classic “Jason and the Argonauts.”
While baffled police race to track down the missing monuments, dozens of self-proclaimed “monster hunters” have converged on the area to put a stop to the killing spree. But some proud southerners profess sympathy for the hard-charging symbols of the South. And they reject any connection between their idols and slavery or racism.
“It’s not a racial thing,” insisted Beau Castland of the organization Keep Your Yankee Hands Off Our Heritage. “The media doesn’t point this out, but only one of the victims was black. Four were white, two were Asian Americans and one was a visitor from Samoa.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
TRAGIC truck driver Sherman Oakshore, left, is looking more and more like actor Brad Pitt (right) with each passing day, and doctors are helpless to halt the disease process.
Milwaukee truck driver Sherman Oakshore is bravely fighting a heartbreaking medical ailment that is gradually distorting his facial features – morphing him into a dead ringer for movie star Brad Pitt.
“It’s a nightmare,” declared anguished Sherman, 46. “My own mother no longer recognizes me, and my 2-year-old daughter runs away when I try to hug her. Angry women come up to me on the street and scold me for dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie – and just as many fans of Angelina chew me out for divorcing her.”
Sherman first began to notice that his face was beginning to subtly change in 2011, spotting slight differences as he shaved. By 2015, his resemblance to the Ocean’s Eleven actor had become alarming. Baffled doctors aren’t sure what’s causing the terrifying cellular change, but some experts theorize that he suffers from Proteus Syndrome, a highly rare congenital disorder.
“The syndrome, which causes extreme changes in bone structure and tissue, is named after the Greek sea-god Proteus who could change his shape at will,” explained Dr. Hans Chudulski. “It’s believed that this is what caused the striking disfigurement of Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man.”
Only about 200 cases of the syndrome have ever been recorded, and just 120 people currently alive have been diagnosed with the condition.
“We’ve long suspected that there is a larger population of people with Proteus who remain undiagnosed because they suffer from a milder variation of the syndrome,” the expert revealed. “Perhaps a tiny subset, like Mr. Oakshore, actually become more attractive.”
HAPPIER DAYS: In this 2009 photo, Sherman Oakshore bears little resemblance to Brad Pit.
By 2015, symptoms of the bizarre disease were clearly evident.
Only two other cases exist in the medical literature in which a patient has transformed into a celebrity lookalike. In 1952, a Cleveland waitress came to resemble Greta Garbo, and in 1971, an Alabama sheriff’s deputy slowly turned into the spitting image of comedian Flip Wilson.
Actor Pitt has appeared in more than 60 films, including Thelma and Louise and World War Z. He received an Oscar nomination for his starring role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he plays a man who is born old and mysteriously ages in reverse. While many American males might relish the chance to step into the shoes of the ultra-handsome superstar, Sherman is miserable that his life has been turned upside down.
“I used to enjoy hanging out, throwing darts and drinking beer at the bar,” said the once-homely, squinty-eyed regular Joe. “Now I get teased something awful and bullied by toughs who’ll say something like ‘Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you show us some of those Fight Club moves?’
“My best friend tried to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am, because I could ‘pick up plenty of girls’ on account of how rich and famous Brad Pitt is. But I’m married with five kids.”
The trucker’s wife Clarice considers her hubby’s facial upgrade anything but a godsend.
“I just want my Sherman back,” she said, wiping away a tear. “What broke our hearts is when his own dog Happy growled and snapped at him. That German shepherd wouldn’t let Sherman through the front door until he sniffed his pants leg and recognized him by smell.
“If that’s not bad enough, we can’t go to the mall or the movies without some brazen tart in a miniskirt sidling up, asking for an autograph and saying, ‘I hear you’re back on the market.’”
Doctors are now racing for a cure, fearing that the damage may be irreversible and that the victim could be 100 percent Brad within a matter of months. But they admit the prognosis is poor.
“Mr. Oakshore must face the very real possibility that he will look like Brad Pitt for the rest of his life,” admitted Dr. Chudulski.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of odd news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.
“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.
Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.
Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”
“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”
BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.
But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.
“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”
Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.
1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover
SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.
51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd
HOMOEROTIC imagery — like this Photoshopped pic — have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.
Copyright C Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
You’ve heard of “alternate facts” and “alternate science.” Now the most popular new buzz word in corporate America and politics is “alternate ethics.”
“Alternate ethics is a major game changer,” says consultant Gary Diplinskow, who teaches seminars on the subject at corporate retreats. “Using this dynamic management tool you can’t go wrong — literally. Under the old paradigm, to collude with a foreign power, take money under the table or lie under oath would be labeled ‘unethical.’ According to the new model, all that is more properly considered alternate ethical.”
The topsy-turvy trend began when top presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway introduced the concept of alternate facts — information that might be the opposite of the truth, yet is equally valid. Then, in March, Congress passed a law banning the EPA from considering much scientific proof of climate change, a move that many condemned as anti-science, but defenders call pro-alternate science.
“Alternate ethics is a natural extension of the principle that for everything, there is an equal and opposite version of that thing,” Diplinskow explains. “A practitioner deftly re-envisions ‘bad’ conduct as good conduct. It’s like turning a frown upside down.”
Alternate ethics significantly changes the language used in business and government to talk about what was once known as misconduct. Some examples of the new lingo:
Dumping toxic waste = Creating an environmental cleanup opportunity
Embezzlement = Asset self-appropriation
Treason = Loyalty realignment
False advertising = Elevating consumer expectations
Nepotism = Being a pro-family role model
Bribery = Generating a win-win scenario
Lying = Employing alternate facts
Safety violations = Creating a risk-friendly workplace
Union Busting = Enhancing the right to work
Stiffing creditors = Adjusting debt to zero
Insider trading = Maximizing value of exclusive access
Defrauding college students = Teaching millennials a life lesson
In classic “Star Trek” episode “Mirror Mirror,” Captain Kirk finds himself in an alternate universe where our morals are inverted.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Journalists nationwide are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to cover President Trump without using the word “lie.” While the prez has been caught making a slew of statements that aren’t quite true, news outlets such as NPR are avoiding the term out of concern that it sounds too judgmental.
“We’re scrambling to find other ways to say it,” said one befuddled newspaperman. “We don’t want readers to think we’re biased or disrespectful.”
As an aid to journalists, we’ve put together this handy list of three dozen terms they can use instead of the offensive “lie.”
Tall Tale
Whopper
Fib
Stretcher
Misrepresentation
Falsehood
Fiction
Untruth
Concoction
Canard
Prevarication
Cock and bull story
Fish story
Poppycock
Booty chatter
Bull honky
Crock
Flapdoodle
Inveracity
Misstatement
Prevarication
Rubbish
Twaddle
Piffle
Malarkey
Codswallop
Pish posh
Hokum
Baloney
Hooey
Hogwash
Moonshine
Balderdash
Horse manure
Jiggery-pokery
Bunk
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!
“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”
Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:
Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.
A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.
Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.
Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.
Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”
We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Are you a budding artist? An exciting new contest offers you a chance to achieve lasting fame – by designing a giant mural to adorn the soon-to-be-built Trump Wall between the U.S. and Mexico.
The ambitious project to beautify the barrier stretching along the 1,900-mile border between the two nations is being spearheaded by a group of wealthy patrons of the arts, who say it will be funded by a combination of their donations and a crowd-funding campaign.
“There is no reason for Trump Wall to be an eyesore,” explains philanthropist Gwendoline Worthington-Reese. “Rather, this is an opportunity to create a unique art object of lasting beauty that puts the creativity, imagination and patriotism of Americans on display.”
A patriotic theme can be seen in this mural in Yuca Valley, California.
While the theme is entirely up to the artist, possible subjects range from detailed recreations of scenes in American history like the moon landing or Custer’s Last Stand, to panoramic views of our majestic heartland, to animals such as the bald eagle, the American bison and the beaver. One suggestion is to highlight the four U.S. states that run along the border.
“You could show the siege at the Alamo or a cattle drive to represent Texas,” says Worthington Reese. “To represent California, you might depict legendary Hollywood actors such as John Wayne and Johnny Depp, or iconic movie scenes like the flying monkey attack in The Wizard of Oz, or perhaps the destruction of the Death Star.”
Beloved western star John Wayne
Organizers of the Trump Wall Art Contest say the competition is open to professional artists, talented amateurs, students, and art enthusiasts who simply like to suggest ideas to their painter friends. Details such as the amount of the prize money and where to submit designs have yet to be announced.
Because there will be roughly 264 million square feet of wall space to cover, any artist whose design is selected will not be expected to execute the monumental painting project singlehandedly. Scores of laborers will assist in carrying out the painstaking task — giving good paying jobs to American, or possibly Mexican, workers. And it’s likely that multiple designs will be incorporated in the mural.
“We’d like to include a section that celebrates Mexican culture, for example a painting of Dora the Explorer, to illustrate to our neighbors to the south that this is their wall too,” reveals Worthington-Reese. “When cattle cars of deported illegal aliens arrive at the border to be reunited with their native land, this would help to put their minds at ease. Mariachi bands playing joyful music will help to create a festive mood.”
Dora the Explorer educates and entertains children on TV
President-Elect Donald Trump has vowed to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall,” to prevent illegal aliens from pouring into the U.S.
“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words,” the billionaire said when he announced his presidential bid.
Trump promises the wall will be “35 to 40 feet, or 50 feet, or higher,” and estimates the cost will be a mere $8 billion to $12 billion. Most experts predict the price tag will be a bit higher, as much as $25 billion. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto recently declared that it will be a cold day in hell before his country spends a dime on Trump Wall, but aides to the incoming prez insist that will all change when the wily author of Art of the Deal puts his negotiating skills into full gear.
President-Elect Donald Trump will soon be leader of the free world.
Like the Great Wall of China, the towering Trump Wall will be visible from space. But thanks to the awesome artwork designed by patriotic American artists, it will be far more magnificent than that structure or other famous barriers such as Hadrian’s Wall or the Berlin Wall.
“Melania Trump will be the most beautiful First Lady ever, and Trump Wall will be the most beautiful wall ever,” declares Worthington-Reese.
Do you have a creative concept for the wall? Post it here!
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The mural story is pure parody. Whether Donald Trump was pulling our legs about the wall, we’ll have to wait and see. If you got a chuckle from this article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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