Archive for the ‘C. Michael Forsyth’ Tag

“Alternate Ethics” Hot New Fad in Business and D.C.   Leave a comment

alternate trump

UPSIDE DOWN: According to the rules of alternate ethics, right and wrong are flip-flopped.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You’ve heard of “alternate facts” and “alternate science.” Now the most popular new buzz word in corporate America and politics is “alternate ethics.”

“Alternate ethics is a major game changer,” says consultant Gary Diplinskow, who teaches seminars on the subject at corporate retreats. “Using this dynamic management tool you can’t go wrong — literally. Under the old paradigm, to collude with a foreign power, take money under the table or lie under oath would be labeled ‘unethical.’ According to the new model, all that is more properly considered alternate ethical.”

The topsy-turvy trend began when top presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway introduced the concept of alternate facts — information that might be the opposite of the truth, yet is equally valid. Then, in March, Congress passed a law banning the EPA from considering much scientific proof of climate change, a move that many condemned as anti-science, but defenders call pro-alternate science.

“Alternate ethics is a natural extension of the principle that for everything, there is an equal and opposite version of that thing,” Diplinskow explains. “A practitioner deftly re-envisions ‘bad’ conduct as good conduct. It’s like turning a frown upside down.”

Alternate ethics significantly changes the language used in business and government to talk about what was once known as misconduct. Some examples of the new lingo:

Dumping toxic waste = Creating an environmental cleanup opportunity
Embezzlement = Asset self-appropriation
Treason = Loyalty realignment
False advertising = Elevating consumer expectations
Nepotism = Being a pro-family role model
Bribery = Generating a win-win scenario
Lying = Employing alternate facts
Safety violations = Creating a risk-friendly workplace
Union Busting = Enhancing the right to work
Stiffing creditors = Adjusting debt to zero
Insider trading = Maximizing value of exclusive access
Defrauding college students = Teaching millennials a life lesson

mirror mirror

In classic “Star Trek” episode “Mirror Mirror,” Captain Kirk finds himself in an alternate universe where our morals are inverted.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

36 Euphemisms for “Lie” White House Correspondents Can Use   Leave a comment

pinochio

By C. Michael Forsyth

Journalists nationwide are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to cover President Trump without using the word “lie.” While the prez has been caught making a slew of statements that aren’t quite true, news outlets such as NPR are avoiding the term out of concern that it sounds too judgmental.

“We’re scrambling to find other ways to say it,” said one befuddled newspaperman. “We don’t want readers to think we’re biased or disrespectful.”

As an aid to journalists, we’ve put together this handy list of three dozen terms they can use instead of the offensive “lie.”

Tall Tale
Whopper
Fib
Stretcher
Misrepresentation
Falsehood
Fiction
Untruth
Concoction
Canard
Prevarication
Cock and bull story
Fish story
Poppycock
Booty chatter
Bull honky
Crock
Flapdoodle
Inveracity
Misstatement
Prevarication
Rubbish
Twaddle
Piffle
Malarkey
Codswallop
Pish posh
Hokum
Baloney
Hooey
Hogwash
Moonshine
Balderdash
Horse manure
Jiggery-pokery
Bunk

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

18 Fun Activities For Muslims Hiding in Your Attic!   Leave a comment

twister

Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!

“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”

Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:

  1. Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
  2. Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
  3. Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
  4. Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
  5. Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
  6. Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
  7. Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.

    exercise-640x480

    A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.

  8. Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
  9. Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
  10. Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
  11. Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
  12. Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
  13. Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.

    ventriloquism

    Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.

  14. Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
  15. A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
  16. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
  17. Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
  18. Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”

    anne-frank

    We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Big Art Contest: Create Mural for Trump Wall   Leave a comment

 

trump-wall-mural

Murals like this one in Los Angeles have been used to make drab city walls more cheery.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Are you a budding artist? An exciting new contest offers you a chance to achieve lasting fame – by designing a giant mural to adorn the soon-to-be-built Trump Wall between the U.S. and Mexico.

The ambitious project to beautify the barrier stretching along the 1,900-mile border between the two nations is being spearheaded by a group of wealthy patrons of the arts, who say it will be funded by a combination of their donations and a crowd-funding campaign.

“There is no reason for Trump Wall to be an eyesore,” explains philanthropist Gwendoline Worthington-Reese. “Rather, this is an opportunity to create a unique art object of lasting beauty that puts the creativity, imagination and patriotism of Americans on display.”

mural-patriotic-best

A patriotic theme can be seen in this mural in Yuca Valley, California.

While the theme is entirely up to the artist, possible subjects range from detailed recreations of scenes in American history like the moon landing or Custer’s Last Stand, to panoramic views of our majestic heartland, to animals such as the bald eagle, the American bison and the beaver. One suggestion is to highlight the four U.S. states that run along the border.

“You could show the siege at the Alamo or a cattle drive to represent Texas,” says Worthington Reese. “To represent California, you might depict legendary Hollywood actors such as John Wayne and Johnny Depp, or iconic movie scenes like the flying monkey attack in The Wizard of Oz, or perhaps the destruction of the Death Star.”

john-wayne-painting

Beloved western star John Wayne

Organizers of the Trump Wall Art Contest say the competition is open to professional artists, talented amateurs, students, and art enthusiasts who simply like to suggest ideas to their painter friends. Details such as the amount of the prize money and where to submit designs have yet to be announced.

Because there will be roughly 264 million square feet of wall space to cover, any artist whose design is selected will not be expected to execute the monumental painting project singlehandedly. Scores of laborers will assist in carrying out the painstaking task — giving good paying jobs to American, or possibly Mexican, workers. And it’s likely that multiple designs will be incorporated in the mural.

“We’d like to include a section that celebrates Mexican culture, for example a painting of Dora the Explorer, to illustrate to our neighbors to the south that this is their wall too,” reveals Worthington-Reese. “When cattle cars of deported illegal aliens arrive at the border to be reunited with their native land, this would help to put their minds at ease. Mariachi bands playing joyful music will help to create a festive mood.”

dora-the-explorer

Dora the Explorer educates and entertains children on TV

President-Elect Donald Trump has vowed to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall,” to prevent illegal aliens from pouring into the U.S.

“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words,” the billionaire said when he announced his presidential bid.

Trump promises the wall will be “35 to 40 feet, or 50 feet, or higher,” and estimates the cost will be a mere $8 billion to $12 billion. Most experts predict the price tag will be a bit higher, as much as $25 billion. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto recently declared that it will be a cold day in hell before his country spends a dime on Trump Wall, but aides to the incoming prez insist that will all change when the wily author of Art of the Deal puts his negotiating skills into full gear.

trump-smiling-bester

President-Elect Donald Trump will soon be leader of the free world.

Like the Great Wall of China, the towering Trump Wall will be visible from space. But thanks to the awesome artwork designed by patriotic American artists, it will be far more magnificent than that structure or other famous barriers such as Hadrian’s Wall or the Berlin Wall.

“Melania Trump will be the most beautiful First Lady ever, and Trump Wall will be the most beautiful wall ever,” declares Worthington-Reese.

Do you have a creative concept for the wall? Post it here!

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The mural story is pure parody. Whether Donald Trump was pulling our legs about the wall, we’ll have to wait and see. If you got a chuckle from this article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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To Foil Hackers, State Dept. Returns to Self-Destructing Tapes.   Leave a comment

self-destruct

Agent Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) tries to recall the message he just heard, on Mission:Impossible

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — In the wake of the Hillary Clinton email scandal, State Department officials are returning to a tried-and-true method for sending sensitive messages securely: audiotapes that self-destruct!

“Emails are just too easy to hack, whether they’re stored on a private server or a government one,” revealed a State Dept. insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve decided to go old school.”

Fans of TV’s Mission: Impossible will remember how spy master Jim Phelps received each assignment on an audiotape, followed by the warning, “As always, should you or any of your I.M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.”

The insider explained, “Unlike the emails of today, back then no one could dig up proof that a Secretary of State or the President authorized the overthrow of a brutal dictator.”

While Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server got her in hot water, hackers believed to be working for the Russian government subsequently hacked the State Department’s own email system, in what intelligence officials called the “worst ever” cyberattack intrusion against a federal agency.

“That forced us to think outside the box and take a fresh look at older forms of communication such as telephone calls,” said the insider. “We developing a system that operates on an entirely different frequency from cell networks, to prevent signals from being intercepted. The technical details are classified, but it’s not unlike those pen phone communicators used by the agents on Man From U.N.C.L.E.“

To foil enemy agents, State Department officials may even resort to the most low-tech form of communication imaginable: meeting face to face on a park bench and trading information while sipping Starbucks coffee.

However, not everyone in the agency is excited about the throwback to antiquated technology.

Said one disgruntled official, “What’s next, shoe phones?”

 

communicators

On Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) could contact his boss securely using a communicator disguised as a pen.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

 

World’s Billionaires Vow to Topple the Elite.   Leave a comment

yacht

OWNING a pricey yacht like the $1 billion Streets of Monaco doesn’t make you one of the elite.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.

While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.

“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”

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king-saudi-arabia

The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.

In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.

“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”

The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.

“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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