BUTT-KICKING vampire slayer Rayne carves up Nazi bloodsuckers.
By C. Michael Forsyth
How could I resist watching “BloodRayne: The Third Reich” when it popped up on Netflix? A sword-slinging Vampirella battling Nazis; steamy lesbian sex and Opie Taylor’s kid brother as a kooky Dr. Mengele-type makes for a C movie well worth a 3:00 a.m. viewing when you’re in the grip of insomnia.
Rayne, like Blade, is a dhampir – the offspring of a woman who was bitten by a vampire while pregnant. She has all the abilities of vampires, such as superhuman strength and speed, but none of their vulnerabilities. She’s immune to holy water, garlic, crucifixes, the insatiable thirst for human blood — and, most importantly, the “day walker” isn’t harmed by sunlight. She’s driven by a mission to wipe out the scourge of vampirism one bloodsucker at a time.
As this movie begins, however, the curvaceous heroine’s primary antagonists aren’t vampires. Instead she’s kicking the butts of Hitler’s stormtroopers in occupied Romania. Rayne is far from the first superhero to mix it up with the Nazis. Captain America and Superman duked it out with them decades ago. But it is novel to see a busty, fanged Xena-type taking on German soldiers with twin samurai swords. And Nazis are still the best villains of all time.
Rayne and her allies in the Resistance are put on the defensive after she inadvertently bites a German commandant. He inherits most of her unique traits and Rayne is horrified by having sired a vampire for the first time. She vows to put him down before he delivers to Adolf Hitler the power to spawn an invincible army.
STAR Natassia Malthe brings two big things to the role of Rayne.
The story is well written and although the low budget is clearly evident, the production values are good enough that you accept the time period and setting. The movie’s biggest flaw is the star Nastassia Malthe. The actress brings to role a pair of magnificent breasts and… well, that’s it. Her wooden performance is as awkward as an eighth grader auditioning for a school play. Making things even worse, she’s hampered by a ridiculous costume: an aviator-type leather hat with earflaps that looks like it belongs on a Peanuts character. Malthe takes over the part of Rayne from Kristina Loken, who appeared in the first two films in the series and presumably was more convincing.
SCIENCE PROJECT: Dr. Mangler (get it?) delights in experimenting on vampires.
On the plus side, you have former child actor Clint Howard as a Nazi doctor who conducts gruesome experiments on vampires. Ron Howard’s younger brother starred in the 1967-1969 TV show “Gentle Ben,” but he’s never had quite the squeaky clean, all-American looks and persona of Andy Griffith’s screen son. Here, he puts his rat-like teeth and raspy voice to good use in creating a very creepy and entertaining character.
Zeig HELL! Nazi Commandant Brand (Michael Mare) is consumed by bloodlust.
Michael Pare does not fare as well as Commandant Brand. I’ve always liked this actor, who appeared in “The Philadelphia Experiment,” and wonder why he wasn’t able to parlay his exceptional good looks and talent into a berth on the A-list. Here, however, he delivers a fairly bland performance. He acts pretty much the same before and after his conversion. Pare’s Brooklyn accent doesn’t help.
RAYNE takes out time from vamire slaying to enjoy a steamy massage.
In the movie, we’re supposed to accept that the actors playing Germans and Romanians are speaking in their native languages, although we hear them speaking English with American accents. I understand the concept and it is totally logical. If we’re hearing characters speak as they sound to each other, why indeed should they have funny accents? The conceit was used in the classic commando flick “Where Eagles Dare” with mixed results. You could totally buy that when Richard Burton posing as a Nazi officer spoke in a clipped British accent, he was actually speaking German. When Clint Eastwood talked with an American accent it was harder to suspend disbelief.
The trouble with using this approach in a low-budget movie is that it risks the viewer thinking that the stars can’t act well enough to fake foreign accents.
Despite its flaws, the movie appears to be moving toward a rousing finale as a convoy led by the vampire commandant heads to Berlin to hand over the secret of immortality to Hitler. Unfortunately it ends rather abruptly. Darn! A scene of Rayne going toe to toe with a vampire Fuhrer would have elevated the film into a truly fun guilty pleasure. Instead, I’m afraid I can give it only a two out of five swastika rating.
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
ALL FOR SHOW: Tina Wentlock (left) and Jasmine Hirmley (right) pause for a break 36 hours into their marathon kissing session.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BRUSSELS — Tina Wentlock and Jasmine Hirmley won $10,000 apiece by smooching for 84 hours in the International Lesbian Kissing Contest – even though neither one is gay!
What’s more, the 18-year-old American college students aren’t even friends and admit they never really liked each other before embarking on the marathon lip-locking session.
“I always thought Jasmine was standoffish and a little stuck up,” says Tina. “But when we heard about the contest and that prize money, we decided to go for it.”
The biggest event of its kind, the contest has been held annually since 1975 and took place in Bois de la Cambre Park in Brussels. The two vacationing coeds were hanging out with a group of fellow students from their college in Massachusetts when they learned about the July 5 competition. A crowd estimated to be close to 25,000 gathered to watch 148 couples compete.
“At first it was totally weird making out with another girl,” reveals Jasmine. “I mean her lips tasted fine and everything, but I hadn’t kissed a girl since my best friend taught me to French in 7th grade. But after a few hours, I got used to it.”
Onlookers gawked and snapped photos as the coeds played tonsil hockey for hour after hour, taking only five minute breaks for water, snacks and to visit the powder room.
“I would never have imagined they were not madly in love,” marvels attendee Jean-Michel Rimbeaux, 29. “They were not just kissing, they were running their hands all over each other’s bottoms and making very passionate sounds the whole time. Who would have thought it was merely an act?”
Tina says she thought about her boyfriend to keep her in the mood. And she confesses that knowing she and her teammate were getting every red-blooded male in the crowd hot and bothered — not to mention thousands of gay gals — was a big ego boost.
“The look in their eyes while they watched us tongue wrestle was priceless,” she says. “It made us want to ham it up even more.”
Nearly all the other couples were genuine lesbians, according to the organizer – and some were miffed to learn that the winners weren’t in a relationship.
“It doesn’t seem fair,” says Georgette Fortlen of London, who dropped out of the competition along with her longtime girlfriend after 72 hours. “I mean I don’t think straight chicks should have been allowed to compete. The whole point of the event is to celebrate lesbianism.”
Despite their prize-winning performance, the lovely lasses have no plans to switch teams.
“I’m still crazy about my boyfriend,” chuckles Tina. “But Jasmine and I are definitely going to stay in touch through, like Facebook or whatever.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, the unthinkable happens. Then things get out of hand.
Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the motion picture hits the big screen.
MELBOURNE, Australia — When college sophomore Cathy Banyerson woke up nude in bed next to Melissa Wencraft, she realized to her horror that she’d been plied with alcohol and coerced into a night of lesbian sex. So she rushed to school officials and filed sexual harassment charges against her abuser.
Meanwhile, when Melissa Wencraft awoke after the booze-fueled night of passion and realized SHE had been sexually abused, she marched over to the administration building and filed charges against Cathy.
The bizarre case on the campus of 150-year-old Havenbrook College has legal experts scratching their heads.
“The two students have each brought the other up on exactly the same charges,” says law professor Gordon H. Berns. “Each young woman seems to be equally right and equally wrong. Even Solomon’s head would be spinning right now.”
But to hardnosed school officials at Havenbrook — which has one of the strictest anti-sexual harassment policies in the country — the correct course of action is crystal clear.
“If both students have violated our Code of Conduct, then both will be punished,” declared Dean Margaret Thinswift. “The victims in each of the two cases will receive appropriate counseling.”
HAVENBROOK College has been rocked by sexual harassment case.
Havenbrook’s code is based on the ground-breaking zero-tolerance anti-sexual harassment policy put in place at America’s Antioch College in the 1990s. Under pressure from campus feminists, the Antioch rules have been adopted in countless colleges in the U.S., Canada, Great Britain and Australia.
According to the Havenbrook College Code of Conduct, a student must receive “verbal authorization” from the other party before initiating any sexual contact, even a peck on the cheek or an affectionate touch on the forearm. The student must then ask permission before each and every succeeding step, and wait to hear a clear “Yes” before continuing — all the way up to intercourse.
“Failure to obtain prior verbal consent is a violation of the Code of Conduct,” the Student Guidebook warns.
Students found guilty of a violation face punishment ranging from suspension to expulsion. A date has not yet been set for the coeds’ appearances in separate hearings before a disciplinary committee, made up of peers and faculty, that will decide their fate.
HAPPIER TIMES: College students Cathy (left) and Melissa (right) considered themselves good pals before the shocking incident.
Both Cathy and Melissa insist they’re not lesbians.
“I’m not like that — I‘m strictly dickly,” maintains 18-year-old Cathy. “I thought Melissa was my friend, but she totally betrayed my trust. I never gave her permission to have sex with me.”
Says Melissa, 19, “I don’t want to offend my friends on the golf team, but I was raised a Christian and I believe homosexuality is a sin. What Cathy did made me feel very, very dirty.”
Cathy remembers little about the night in question. She recalls hanging out at a frat party where she drank four pina coladas and a whiskey sour, then washed them down with a glass of wine.
“Melissa had about six beers,” she recalls. “We were doing a real sexy grinding kind of dance with each other for the benefit of a bunch of guys who were in a circle around us, clapping and hooting. You could tell they were getting turned on and one really cute guy gave me a thumbs up. I remember thinking, ‘Can you spell H-O-O-K-U-P?’ ”
Sadly, that’s not how things turned out. The next thing Cathy knew it was morning and she had a splitting hangover.
“I woke up stark naked in my dorm room with Melissa on top of me, also naked,” recalls still-shaken Cathy. “She had a smile on her face like the cat that ate the canary. My whole skin smelled of her. When it dawned on me what had happened I shoved her off me and hopped up shrieking ‘Eeew! Eeew! Eeew!’ ”
Melissa’s reaction was equally visceral.
“When I realized I’d been victimized, I literally puked,” she remembers.
Cathy’s attorney Ralph Hallis is convinced his client is in the right, but admits that proving that will be an uphill battle.
“I’d give anything to have a videotape of what went on in that dorm room that night,” he says.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
While promoting my horror novel Hour of the Beast at New York Comic Con I was interviewed by CAC-TV. The result is fairly hilarious as I display some of the items in my booth, from the arrowhead used by Geronimo to kill the Werewolf of Willow Creek to a Werewolf Bite Emergency Kit.
To view, click HERE.
The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review gives Hour of the Beast “two thumbs up and a lusty howl at the moon.”
You can check out Hour of the Beast at Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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