Archive for the ‘religion’ Tag
ALARMING rise in zombie cases has medical experts scratching their heads.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ATLANTA — The swiftly widening zombie epidemic does not owe its origin simply to a rogue germ – it’s God’s way of punishing Americans for smoking marijuana, a respected preacher claims.
“Every major plague of the past 2,000 years has been a form a divine retribution,” declared the Reverend Harvey Stintland, a leading theologian and author. “Leprosy, for example, was sent to punish the Roman Empire for its decadence and debauchery.
“AIDS was, of course, His punishment for homosexuality, just as herpes was His wrathful response to the Sexual Revolution. What we’re seeing now across the country is, once again, the Lord using his tiniest creatures — viruses — to teach sinful humans a lesson.”
The earliest known zombie outbreak in the United States was reported in June 1964, just as pot use was emerging among hippies, the Baptist minister points out.
“This was literally days after Bob Dylan introduced the Beatles to ‘grass,’” Rev. Stintland notes. “Now, just as states like Alaska, Colorado and Oregon legalize marijuana, we’re seeing a record number of zombism sufferers. Can that be merely a coincidence? Logic tells us otherwise.”
LIGHT ‘EM UP! Weed is now legal in many states.
Statistics show a troubling rise in the bizarre ailment, called Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome by medical professionals. At least 675 cases nationwide were reported in 2014, three times the figure from the previous year. Yet government scientists dismiss Rev. Stintland’s claims.
“You don’t have to bring God or the supernatural into it to explain zombies,” observed a CDC insider. “It’s a matter of cold, hard science.”
According to the clergyman, the Almighty smacks the human race with epidemics from time to time for our own good.
“Our Lord is a loving God, but he is also a stern disciplinarian, not unlike a father who must sometimes take his children to the woodshed. He’s not above using biological warfare to whup some sense into mankind when we disobey His law,” explained Rev. Stintland, author of the upcoming book Germs From God.
SPANISH FLU was God’s punishment for the senseless slaughter of World War 1, according to expert.
Here, from the theologian, are other major epidemics and what God was punishing people for:
Plague of Athens (426-429 B.C., death toll 100,000) — Punishment for paganism
Black Death (1346 -1353 A.D., death toll 50 million) — Punishment for false piety, i.e. being “too” religious
Yellow Fever Epidemic (1793-1798, death toll 5,000 ) — Punishment for secular humanism
Cholera Pandemic (1816 -1828, death toll, 30,000) — Punishment for slave trade
Smallpox epidemic (1827-38, death toll 1800) — Punishment of Indians for resisting Manifest Destiny
Spanish Flu (1918-1920, death toll 75 million) — Punishment for World War I
“Contagious diseases don’t just happen,” the clergyman says. “They are God’s holy will.”
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING? In the 14th century, when the Black Death struck, belief in God was at an all time high.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES…
ZOMBIE master Robert Kirkman’s graphic novel “Thief of Thieves” is even better than his “The Walking Dead.”
As I prepare to launch my first graphic novel, I’ve been boning up on the format, and one of the best I’ve come across was written by Robert Kirkman of The Walking Dead fame. Thief of Thieves is even more cinematic than the zombie comic that spawned the hit TV series. It’s essentially a movie on paper. What makes it unusual is that it doesn’t look like a movie storyboard. The layout is almost entirely narrow rectangular panels that stretch across the page, stacked horizontally. As you get used to the steadfastly unchanging aspect ratio, it becomes like watching images flickering on the screen. The caper story, akin to a movie like The Italian Job, is twisty and adult. The charismatic, broad-shouldered, hairy chested hero is presented so vividly, you think, “They’ve really got to cast the same actor in the movie” — until you remember he’s not a real person!
CINEMATIC panel shape, realistic facial expressions and Kirkman’s trademark timing make “Thief of Thieves” feel like a movie.
In the purely horror vein, I’ve also become hip to Crossed. It’s a zombie apocalypse saga, but makes The Walking Dead seem optimistic and wholesome as milk by comparison. In this version of hell on earth, the infected legions don’t just cannibalize victims, they gleefully rape, sodomize and mutilate them in an orgy of violence. Then eat them — although in some cases, the atrocities are simultaneous.
PLAY BALL! Mayhem ensues when the contagion hits a football stadium.
The disease, which brands those who’ve been bitten (or otherwise taken in bodily fluids) with a distinctive cross-shaped rash on the face, erases all inhibitions, turning them into rage-fueled, sex-crazed killing machines who love to disfigure both hapless victims and themselves. Worse still, unlike your standard shambling walker, their minds still function — albeit far from rationally — allowing them to use weapons, drive cars and operate motorboats. Imagine 28 Days Later meets Road Warrior meets Hellraiser. Crossed is definitely adults only, due to the unrelenting sexual violence, and not for the faint of heart.
Speaking of crime dramas like Thief of Thieves, if you enjoyed the writing in this article by C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his novel The Identity Thief.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
HOLY BOOKSHELF of Nazareth is nearly 2,000 years old, experts say.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CANTERBURY, England — Missing for 800 years, a bookshelf built by Jesus Christ in His father’s carpentry shop has resurfaced in an elderly English woman’s home!
The Holy Bookshelf of Nazareth has been authenticated by a leading expert, who used radiocarbon dating to confirm that it was built approximately 2,000 years ago.
“The cedar from which the shelves are made is genetically identical to trees in a grove less than half a mile outside the ancient town of Nazareth,” says Dr. Lionel Getting. “Hebrew lettering engraved on a small plaque on the back indicates that it was made by ‘Joseph and Sons,’ believed to be the name of the shop owned by Our Lord’s earthly father.
“There is no doubt in my mind that this is indeed the genuine article.”
JESUS was a competent carpenter.
The bookshelf is considered one of the most sacred pieces of furniture in Christendom, second only to the Holy End Tables of Antioch, which are said to be hewn from the cross on which Jesus was crucified, and which are now housed in the Vatican.
According to legend, the bookcase was spirited out of the Holy Land after Crusaders sacked Constantinople in 1204 A.D. It resurfaced last December in the basement of Mrs. Helen Goldbolt of Canterbury, who was using it to store jars of preserves and odds and ends.
“It had been in our family for many generations,” she told a newspaper. “I had no idea it might be valuable until a plumber working in the basement saw it and suggested I have it appraised.”
The appraiser immediately recognized the object’s antiquity and contacted Dr. Getting, a university expert who was struck by its resemblance to medieval drawings of the shelves. Thrilled, he promptly launched an investigation.
“When I realized what it was, I was dumbstruck,” Dr. Getting remembers.
Despite its incredible age, the bookshelf is in extraordinary condition, having miraculously survived through the eons when most wooden furniture made at the time has long since fallen apart. What’s more, it appears to have strange paranormal properties. Mrs. Goldbolt claims that food placed on the shelves never decays.
“Once I accidentally left a carton of milk on the top shelf,” the 78-year-old widow recalls. “Three months later it wasn’t spoiled.”
Profane objects don’t fare as well.
“The bookshelf was in my son’s bedroom when he was in his teens and he stored his collection of girlie magazines on the bottom shelf,” Mrs. Goldbolt says. “One day they burst into flames. They were reduced to ashes, but the shelves weren’t even singed.”
AT AN EARLY AGE, Jesus learned the trade of carpentry from His earthly father Joseph.
The nails used in the shelves’ construction match those employed by Hebrew carpenters in the 1st Century A.D. and recovered from archaeological digs. However, astonishingly, there is no sign of rust.
How the bookshelf survived two millennia is especially baffling because there is nothing out of the ordinary in how it is put together.
“Though by no means shoddily constructed, the Holy Bookshelf was made with no frills. For example only the minimal possible number of nails were used to adhere the vertical back cleats,” the expert notes. “This is entirely consistent with the Bible, which suggests that while Jesus was a smashing success as the Savior of mankind, He was a mediocre carpenter. Unlike His younger brother James, He had little interest in following His earthly father’s footsteps in the family business.
“As we now know, He had bigger fish to fry.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
ANOTHER satisfied customer. Hour of the Beast sold like hotcakes at the Mad Monster Party.
Had a great time as a vendor hawking my horror novel Hour of the Beast at the Mad Monster Party convention in Charlotte, N.C. the weekend of March 23rd. I scared the pants off guest Traci Lords, the famed former porn princess. Oops, bad choice of words. What I mean is that when she took a gander at the werewolf hand in a jar I keep as a prop on my table, she leapt back in horror and almost shrieked. BTW, she looks fantastic – you’d swear she was 25.
NAKED FEAR: Former under age porn star Traci Lords has appeared in dozens of mainstream films including “Not of this Earth” and “Blade.”
I saw two awesome screenings. One was the pilot for a TV show called “Ghost Trek.” A hilarious faux reality show, it’s like “Reno 911” with ghost hunters. The other is an indie film titled “Nail Biter.” One of the best horror films I’ve seen in years, putting most big studio fare to shame. Look for my review in my next post.
A highlight was getting to meet one of my favorite actors of all time, the great Chris Sarandon – a star who was a better vampire than Christopher Lee and a better Jesus than Max von Sydow! If you only know Sarandon from the original “Fright Night” you know how charismatic he is – managing to be sexier in the role of bloodsucker Jerry Dandridge than hunk Colin Farrell was in the remake. But check him out in other roles, from Al Pacino’s transsexual mate in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a macho cop in “Child’s Play” – and you’ll have a sense of his range. His acting choices are fascinating. There’s a scene in “The Day Christ Died” when Jesus is slapped, illustrating the turn the other cheek lesson. Chris, as Jesus, slowly turns the other cheek – AFTER he looks like he wants to slug the other guy. A Jesus who’s truly human and for once, a Jesus who’s actually interesting.
C. Michael Forsyth with screen legend Chris Sarandon. When my kids see “Fright Night” I can reassure them “Hey, look, he’s not scary, he’s a friend of Dad.” If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell them, “Look how much bigger Dad is than the vampire. Don’t you think he could kick his butt?”
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
IF you wind up in Hell, you won’t see scenes like this anymore
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Terror lurks in the woods in this short video on the website for Hour of the Beast.
To see the book trailer for C. Michael Forsyth’s heart-stopping novel Hour of the Beast or hear Chapter One read by the author, click HERE.
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