Chiefs of secret police forces worldwide are taking a page from Dick Cheney’s book and renaming torture techniques to sound like spa services — to ensure they can never be charged with war crimes.
Chinese Water Torture, for example, is now called Asian Aquatic Relaxation.
“According to the latest thinking in international law, if an interrogation technique sounds like a spa treatment, it’s not technically a war crime,” explained Hosni El-Shabiz, director of Syria’s Bureau of Information Extraction.
Cheney and CIA underlings dubbed enema torture “rectal hydration,” he noted.
Other name changes secret police forces have adopted:
* The Rack is now “Enhanced Spinal Decompression.”
* Bamboo shoots under the fingernails has been replaced by the more benign “Organic Subungual Therapy.”
* Cattle prod to the genitals is now known as “Intimate Area Stimulation.”
* The Iron Maiden has been switched to the friendlier “Deep Tissue Penetration.”
The names can be misleading to prisoners.
“Sometimes when you order a detainee to undress for a Dermal Abrasion session, they do it happily because they think it’s a soothing spa treatment,” El-Shabiz chuckled. “They’re usually quite taken aback when they discover that it means whipping with a cat o’ nine tails!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you appreciated the black humor of this story, you might enjoy the irony in his latest thriller The Identity Thief.