Archive for February 2017
By C. Michael Forsyth
Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.
The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.
Animal lovers have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.
“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”
As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.
“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”
There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:
Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.
Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.
Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.
Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.
Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.
“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”
The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.
“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”
Here are some samples from the photo array:
MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.
JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.
SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.
MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle converted to Islam in 1998.
MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.
MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.
SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.
AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.
MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.
CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.
Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.
SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”
SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.
ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.
Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”
MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.
PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.
SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.
ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.
JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.
ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were Lebanese.
MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.
CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.
GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”
SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.
WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.
ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”
TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”
INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.
INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.
IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.
INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.
MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”
INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.
MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.
SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.
ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.
ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.
ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz.
Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Reading Changa’s Safari, a thrilling and original adventure introducing an instantly iconic hero, was one of the most satisfying literary experiences of my life. It’s as if Milton J. Davis reached into my mind, found elements I’ve always loved and expertly assembled them, the way a parent might weave all their child’s favorite things into a bedtime story.
Given that the glory of medieval Africa was its vast and sophisticated trading system, I’ve long thought an African Sinbad would make an interesting character — and here he is: the swashbuckling merchant Changa, who survives on both his cunning and brawn. I grew up on those Ray Harryhausen movies like The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, and this book recaptures that magic and mystery, as the seafaring Changa ventures onto mysterious islands, slashes his way through jungles and battles monsters, demons and sorcerers. The novel is broken into three grand outings. In the first, he and his intrepid crew set forth on a quest for a powerful talisman called the Jade Obelisk – which, in the wrong hands can destroy the world. In another, to return an emperor to his throne, Changa journeys to the Great Wall of China.
I’m a huge fan of the Conan books and Changa’s Safari — a brilliant example of what’s been dubbed the “sword and soul” genre — has echoes of Robert Howard’s cosmology. The hero finds himself at odds with sinister, ancient entities that lurk on the edges of our world, aching to regain power.
Davis clearly invested many years researching Africa and it pays off in believability. The setting is not some fantasy land cobbled together from a couple of Internet articles and wishful thinking, but real places such as Zimbabwe and the port city of Sofala, reconstructed as they must have been, with loving attention to detail. Medieval African merchants really did do business as far away as East Asia. As a student of African history who is eager to see representations of the continent that do justice to its advanced civilizations, I’m ecstatic to find a book that satisfies that thirst.
Whether on land or sea, the action scenes are vividly described and well-choreographed. The weapons used and the military tactics all are genuine. The supporting cast including Changa’s sorceress aide and love interest Panya, help to round out the story and bring out the hero’s compassionate side. While he hungers for gold, he cares for his friends more.
I have to admit, I’m a bit envious of Davis. My own sword and soul novel The Blood of Titans contains loads of details about African societies culled from stacks of books, but I ended up borrowing from various cultures as needed to create a mythological kingdom. In retrospect, I wish I’d set the story in a specific time and place, as Davis does. My book also includes a wily warrior-merchant, the caravan master Kamau, as a secondary hero — but frankly, I kind of like Changa better!
Trouble is now I’m getting greedy. I want to read the next Changa book and the next. I want to feast my eyes on a graphic novel version and a feature film. And I can see in my head a TV show akin to Xena, Warrior Princess, following the adventures of the hero and his intrepid crew!
The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.
Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!
“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.
“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”
Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.
“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”
A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.
“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”
When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.
“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”
Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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