Archive for the ‘Russia’ Category
LOYAL AMERICANS: This is what your backyard party will look like in May 2018.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Have a wonderful Memorial Day — because odds are it will be the last one you ever celebrate. In May of 2018, if you’re like most Americans, you’ll be celebrating President Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day instead!
Earlier this year, President Trump proclaimed May 1 an official Loyalty Day, and holiday planners say it’s unlikely that from now on most U.S. citizens will plan two big backyard barbecue events in a single month.
“Patriots who want to show their loyalty to the President will choose May 1, his Loyalty Day,” said event organizer Terri Fieldling. “The plain truth is Memorial Day doesn’t have much meaning for people anymore. It used to be a solemn occasion to commemorate the war dead. Now it’s pretty much just an excuse for us to barbecue ribs and guzzle beer, while our kids play tag. Loyalty Day celebrations will be very similar, but will incorporate Trump themes. Patriots will wear red Trump baseball caps and float Make America Great Again balloons.
“Since May 1 is also a major holiday in Russia, many Americans will display Russian flags alongside Old Glory (and of course their Confederate flags), and wear those popular combined U.S. and Russian flag solidarity pins.”
U.S. and Russian flags will fly side by side on the next Loyalty Day.
In addition to standard American picnic games such as Tug of War and potato sack races, children will play traditional Russian yard games such as Rezinochzi, Boyars, Koldunchiki (Wizards), Cossacks and Thieves, and Vishibali (Russian Dodgeball). This helpful web site provides rules to these traditional Russian backyard games your kids can enjoy on Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day.
May Day, as it’s known in Russia, has been an important holiday since the late 19th century when it was chosen as the date for International Workers Day by socialists and communists. At the height of the Cold War, it was celebrated with huge military parades. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, May Day celebrations declined, but this year President Vladimir Putin revived them in a big way. On May 1, 2017, an estimated 2 million people crowded Moscow, waving Russian flags and signs that said “Putin is right.”
“Now that Russia is an oligarchy devoted to the accumulation of wealth by a small number of billionaires such as President Putin and his associates, May Day doesn’t have those communist connotations anymore,” a tourism expert explained. “Now it’s mainly about demonstrating national pride and loyalty to Mr. Putin.”
TRADITIONAL Russian picnic game Reinochzi will be played in backyards across America next Loyalty Day.
Social media in the U.S. erupted in outrage when Trump made his Loyalty Day proclamation. But as one pundit noted, “There’s no reason why we Americans shouldn’t be as loyal to our President as the Russians are to theirs.”
Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time someone in America has tried to create a Loyalty Day holiday. In 1955, at the height of the Red Scare, Congress passed a resolution designating May 1 of that year as Loyalty Day. The resolution was aimed at off-setting communist May Day rallies around the world.
“What’s different now is that Russia’s May Day and America’s May 1 Loyalty Day celebrations won’t be at odds,” Fieldling noted. “They’re perfectly aligned.”
With U.S. and Russian billionaire leaders finally seeing eye to eye, these fashionable new solidarity pins will be perfect for your lapel next Loyalty Day.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!
Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.
“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.
“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”
While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov, head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.
“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.
Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.
Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.
“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”
DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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- Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.
“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.
“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”
Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”
Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.
“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.
Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.
NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.
“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”
The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.
“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.
Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!
What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.
“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”
PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)
Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.
“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”
NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig
Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.
“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.
In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.
“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”
Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.
Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.
“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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