Archive for the ‘Russia’ Category

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

U.S. Beauty Queens Beg Putin to Rig Their Pageants.   Leave a comment

pageant-miss-russia
Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.

“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.

“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”

Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”

Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.

“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.

pageant-putin-edited_update

Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.

NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.

“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”

The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.

“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russia Will Let U.S. Pick ITS Next President!   Leave a comment

 

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LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.

 

Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!

What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.

“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”

 

russian-election

PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)

 

Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.

“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”

 

chekov

NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig

 

Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.

“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.

In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.

“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”

Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.

Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.

“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
 

candidates

THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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