Archive for the ‘Vladimir Putin’ Tag

Memorial Day is Out. Trump Loyalty Day is In!   Leave a comment

 

Trump rally best

LOYAL AMERICANS: This is what your backyard party will look like in May 2018.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Have a wonderful Memorial Day — because odds are it will be the last one you ever celebrate. In May of 2018, if you’re like most Americans, you’ll be celebrating President Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day instead!

Earlier this year, President Trump proclaimed May 1 an official Loyalty Day, and holiday planners say it’s unlikely that from now on most U.S. citizens will plan two big backyard barbecue events in a single month.

“Patriots who want to show their loyalty to the President will choose May 1, his Loyalty Day,” said event organizer Terri Fieldling. “The plain truth is Memorial Day doesn’t have much meaning for people anymore. It used to be a solemn occasion to commemorate the war dead. Now it’s pretty much just an excuse for us to barbecue ribs and guzzle beer, while our kids play tag. Loyalty Day celebrations will be very similar, but will incorporate Trump themes. Patriots will wear red Trump baseball caps and float Make America Great Again balloons.

“Since May 1 is also a major holiday in Russia, many Americans will display Russian flags alongside Old Glory (and of course their Confederate flags), and wear those popular combined U.S. and Russian flag solidarity pins.”

Russian American flags

U.S. and Russian flags will fly side by side on the next Loyalty Day.

In addition to standard American picnic games such as Tug of War and potato sack races, children will play traditional Russian yard games such as Rezinochzi, Boyars, Koldunchiki (Wizards), Cossacks and Thieves, and Vishibali (Russian Dodgeball). This helpful web site provides rules to these traditional Russian backyard games your kids can enjoy on Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day.

May Day, as it’s known in Russia, has been an important holiday since the late 19th century when it was chosen as the date for International Workers Day by socialists and communists. At the height of the Cold War, it was celebrated with huge military parades. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, May Day celebrations declined, but this year President Vladimir Putin revived them in a big way. On May 1, 2017, an estimated 2 million people crowded Moscow, waving Russian flags and signs that said “Putin is right.”

“Now that Russia is an oligarchy devoted to the accumulation of wealth by a small number of billionaires such as President Putin and his associates, May Day doesn’t have those communist connotations anymore,” a tourism expert explained. “Now it’s mainly about demonstrating national pride and loyalty to Mr. Putin.”

Rezinochki

TRADITIONAL Russian picnic game Reinochzi will be played in backyards across America next Loyalty Day.

Social media in the U.S. erupted in outrage when Trump made his Loyalty Day proclamation. But as one pundit noted, “There’s no reason why we Americans shouldn’t be as loyal to our President as the Russians are to theirs.”

Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time someone in America has tried to create a Loyalty Day holiday. In 1955, at the height of the Red Scare, Congress passed a resolution designating May 1 of that year as Loyalty Day. The resolution was aimed at off-setting communist May Day rallies around the world.

“What’s different now is that Russia’s May Day and America’s May 1 Loyalty Day celebrations won’t be at odds,” Fieldling noted. “They’re perfectly aligned.”

Russian American pin

With U.S. and Russian billionaire leaders finally seeing eye to eye, these fashionable new solidarity pins will be perfect for your lapel next Loyalty Day.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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U.S. Beauty Queens Beg Putin to Rig Their Pageants.   Leave a comment

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Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.

“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.

“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”

Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”

Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.

“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.

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Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.

NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.

“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”

The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.

“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russia Will Let U.S. Pick ITS Next President!   Leave a comment

 

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LEGENDARY dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is the leading choice of Americans.

 

Turnabout is fair play! When Russia holds its next presidential election in 2018, the U.S. will likely get to pick the winner. And average Americans like you might have a say!

What’s more, several other countries around the globe including the United Kingdom and France are also considering letting a neutral party like the United States chose their leaders.

“As much as naysayers in the U.S. objected to Vladimir Putin playing a role in America’s election, many now grudgingly agree that his choice of Donald Trump turned out to be the right call,” explains researcher Angela Krielic, a leading expert in geopolitics. “Party bosses in some nations are beginning to acknowledge that foreigners are more objective, and in the best position to make rational choices about who is suited to lead a country.”

 

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PICK OF THE LITTER: Vladimir Putin (L) and Alexei Navalny (R)

 

Likely candidates in the upcoming Russian election include former KGB strongman Putin — running for a fourth term — and fiery opposition leader Alexei Navalny. But Krielic says that if ordinary Americans play a role in the decision-making process, odds are they’ll choose a figure they’re more familiar with, like beloved dancer and actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.

“A charismatic and well-liked celebrity obviously has the best chance being selected,” the expert says. “In an informal survey we conducted, most Americans said they’d like to see Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on Star Trek, be the next Russian president. We had to tell them he’s not actually a Russian, he just played one on TV.”

 

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NOT ELIGIBLE: Star Trek star Walter “Chekov” Koenig

 

Once Americans make their choice, it’s unclear what the mechanism will be for implementing it.

“Officially, the Russians have an electoral process, but let’s just say it’s not above being tampered with,” Krielic points out.

In the wake of the Brexit fiasco, which turned the government of Great Britain upside down and had many regretting their vote within days — the British are particularly keen to have Americans take the wheel.

“When it comes to really big political decisions, we believe it’s a smashing idea to let our friends across the pond make the call,” a Labor Party insider said. “We have a special relationship with the Yanks. We know they have our best interests at heart.”

Prime Minister David Cameron threw up his hands and resigned after the Brexit upheaval. To prevent chaos, the Queen appointed Conservative Party leader Theresa May as interim Prime Minister last July. The next general election is scheduled to be held on May 7, 2020 – but could come far earlier if Parliament passes a no-confidence measure.

Movie stars are the most likely choices for the next Prime Minister, if Americans do the picking. On the shortlist are Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Dame Judi Dench.

“It may be off-putting at first for a society to see its leaders chosen by outsiders, but once this becomes part of the regular routine, it may make the world a better and safer place,” says Krielic.
 

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THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Bond boss Judi Dench

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Russian Scientist Claims Team Battled Creature Under Antarctic Ice   16 comments

LAKE VOSTOK is more than 1,000 feet deep with a surface area equal to Lake Ontario.

By C. Michael Forsyth

GENEVA — A defecting Russian scientist has surfaced with a mind-bending account of what REALLY occurred when he and his colleagues went missing for five days in a mysterious lake 12,366 feet beneath the Antarctic ice.

Dr. Anton Padalka told authorities in Switzerland that the researchers discovered a bizarre and deadly life form dubbed Organism 46-B – a highly intelligent octopus-like creature that claimed the lives of three of the team members.

But the government of Russian president Vladimir Putin claimed that “nothing of scientific interest” was found – because the former KGB strongman hopes to weaponize the organism.

“The discovery of such unusual life in Lake Vostok was the most important scientific breakthrough in decades, but we were ordered not to divulge it because of Mr. Putin’s sinister scheme,” the whistleblowing geologist told the Swiss.

It was in early February 2012 that members of the Russian Antarctic Expedition succeeded in the drilling through more than two miles of thick ice to Lake Vostok – a project that took more than 30 years. Because the freshwater lake has been sealed off from the rest of the world for between 15 and 34 million years, scientists had predicted they would find new species that had evolved far differently than any seen before.

“According to our research, the quantity of oxygen there exceeds that on other parts of our planet by 10 to 20 times. Any life forms that we find are likely to be unique on Earth,” Sergey Bulat, the project’s Chief Scientist said on Russian TV as the geologists were drilling down.

Previously, extremely weird creatures had been found in deep-sea vents off the coast of Antarctica including hairy-chested yeti crabs that feed on gardens of bacteria they cultivate on their bodies and carnivorous, seven-armed sea stars that can catch and kill those crabs.

Just as the eight man team neared the lake all communication with the outside world mysteriously ceased. As days crept by and the researchers failed to respond to increasing frantic efforts to reach them by radio, fellow scientists worldwide feared the worst.

“No word from the ice for 5 days,” Dr. John Priscu, a professor of ecology at Montana State University and head of a similar Antarctic exploration program grimly told Fox News at the time. “I can only imagine what it’s like.”

Or maybe he couldn’t. Dr Padalka claims that during this time, he and his colleagues were fighting for their lives in the lost world deep beneath the earth’s surface.

“We encountered Organism 46-B on day one as we were conducting a preliminary dive in our low-temperature wetsuits,” he recounts. “It disabled our radio, which we later learned to our alarm, was intentional.”

Octopuses like this vitrelladonella richardi are known for extreme intelligence.

Although the creature has 14 arms instead of the usual eight, it kills in a similar manner to an ordinary octopus — seizing its prey, injecting it with paralyzing saliva then dismembering it into small pieces with its beak. But Organism 46-B has another trick up its sleeve.

“It is able to paralyze prey at a distance of up to 150 feet by releasing its venom into the water from an organ similar to its ink sac,” explained Dr. Padlaka. “Tragically, my colleague and life-long friend Dr. Vindogradov was killed this way. He tread water wearing a blissful smile as the organism approached him. We watched helplessly as it used its arms to tear off his head, then popped his remains its mouth. It was as if it had hypnotized him telepathically.”

The 33-foot-long man-eater also boasts extraordinary camouflage that helped it stalk the researchers.

“Many species of octopus can alter their appearance, usually to avoid larger predators,” Dr. Padalka explained. “Sacs of colorful pigments called chromatophores allow them to change colors, and by contracting their muscles they can blend in with the smooth ocean floor or a craggy coral reef. The well-known mimic octopus can contort its boneless body to take on the shape of a sea snake or stingray.”

But the shape-shifting abilities of Organism 46-B sound almost diabolical.

“It shaped itself into the form of a human diver. We thought it was one my colleagues swimming toward us in scuba gear. By the time the closest scientist realized what it was, it had grabbed him and torn him to bits.”

If an arm of an ordinary octopus is cut off, the severed limb will crawl away – sometimes even seize prey and place it in the mouth of the octopus. Experts say that’s because each arm contains a cluster of neurons – essentially its own brain. The arms of Organism 46-B demonstrated a chilling knack for operating autonomously.

“After our sole female researcher chopped off one of the arms with an ax, the severed limb yanked the weapon out of her hands,” recalled the scientist. “That night the arm slithered onto the icy bank where we were sleeping and strangled her.”

The experts believe that not only does the octopus regenerate its limbs, the brainy severed tentacle may be able to form a new octopus.

Octopuses are extraordinarily intelligent, able to negotiate mazes, use tools and even build structures with Legos. The newly discovered entity is in a class by itself.

“From the way it adapted each time we changed our tactics, we became convinced it is at least as intelligent as an average human,” Dr. Padalka revealed. “If we were not all Ph.Ds, I fear it would have in the end outwitted us.”

Miraculously, the eggheads were able to capture the creature in a tank. After the five surviving scientists made their way to the surface, the program’s director ordered that the bore hole be immediately plugged. The geologists expected to be honored internationally for their amazing find. To their great disappointment, however, the Russian government claimed that the team had found no life in Lake Vostok – and denied that divers had even entered the water.

“There’s nothing much down there, I can assure you,” according to a statement by the chief of the Vostok Research Station, A. M. Yelagin. The director of the Russian Antarctic Expedition, Valery Lukin, admitted that the plug had been put in place but called the precaution “routine.”

U.S. and British experts were puzzled by the announcement.

“It’s a little bit of an anti-climax,” geologist Dr. David L. Meckenroy of the U.K. said on TV at the time. “It’s hard to believe we were so wrong about there being unusual life down there.”

COLD AS ICE: Russian President Putin is known for ruthlessness and secrecy.

Dr. Padalka claims he fled his native country in July after learning to his horror that the government is planning to put the discovery to military use.

“Some species of octopus lay 200,000 eggs,” he pointed out. “Imagine if they were deposited in reservoirs and lakes across North America?”

The Russian government calls the whistleblower’s claims preposterous.

“It is laughable. Ho, ho, ho,” declared Mikhail Belochkin of the Bureau of Truthful Information. “It sounds like something you might see on one of your science fiction TV channels. The Cold War is over, my friends. If our scientists made a discovery of such magnitude, do you seriously doubt that we would share it with the world?”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending article by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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