Word to the wise: If a guy who looks like this knocks on your door, don't let him in.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CHOCHOLOW, Poland – Residents of this remote rural village have fought a losing battle with vampires for generations. But they’ve finally hit upon a solution to their woes: they stopped giving bloodsuckers permission to enter their homes!
At least 420 people had been killed by vampires and scores of others forcibly “converted” since the vampire plague erupted in 1879, according to church records. But since early November, when citizens wised up and stopped giving vampires the okay to come in, the killings have dwindled down to zero.
“It simply never occurred to any of us before,” says town councilman Dominik Wozniak. “We all feel a little foolish now. I suppose as word spreads, we’ll be the laughingstock of Eastern Europe.”
According to most serious texts on vampires, the creatures can only enter a home after having been invited in by the owner. In most communities around the world, people began to refuse admittance to vampires centuries ago.
“That is why vampires are virtually extinct throughout the globe, even in the third world,” explains expert Donald Floodgut of the London Institute for Paranormal Studies. ”Their blood supply ran out and they starved.”
The problem in isolated Chocholow is that only a handful of the roughly 1,135 villagers are literate.
“Also, few people own DVD players and those that do are generally too devout to watch horror films,” says the researcher. “There was no way for them to find out about the old don’t-let-them-in trick.”
Eight years ago, the beleaguered villagers dug up some pamphlets on vampire-fighting that had been sent by the Vatican in the 1930s. They turned them over to the most educated man in the village, housepainter and poet Aleksander Gorski, and begged him to scour them for anything that could aid them in the war on vampires. He now admits he didn’t give the vampire material his full attention.
“I prefer to devote myself to classics of literature by authors like Tolstoy, Proust and James Joyce, and to the writings of the great existentialist philosophers,” explains Gorski, 38.
“The vampire booklets didn’t seem very challenging to me, so I gave them a quick once-over. Obviously, I must have missed the part about not letting vampires in.”
This past October, councilman Wozniak paid a rare visit to Krakow to settle the estate of a distant relative. On Halloween night, he caught a midnight showing of a Swedish movie titled “Let the Right One In,” in which a girl vampire enters a home without securing the owner’s permission and immediately begins to self-destruct.
“When I got back home, I asked Aleksander to take another look at the old books to see if there could be any truth to such a thing,” recalls Wozniak. “He said he didn’t think so, but I cajoled him until he put on his glasses and started thumbing through one of the booklets. Sure enough, he found a page that talked all about not inviting vampires in.”
Wozniak hastily called for a meeting of the village council, which imposed a set of new rules.
A strict 6 p.m. curfew was put in place, and “no vampires allowed” signs have been posted on every front door, including the local hotel. No one is allowed to admit visitors after sundown.
“You can usually tell who the vampires are from their pale faces and their sharp, long teeth, but just to be on the safe side, we tell people not to let anyone in,” says Wozniak.
“It seems to be working — we’re keeping our fingers crossed.”
Researcher Floodgut predicts that within six to 10 weeks, the vampires of Chocholow will be history.
“Vampires are like fruit flies,” he reveals. “Cut off their food supply and they quickly disappear.”
What the people of Chocholow lack in education, they make up for in bravery. During the decades since the first recorded vampire attack in April 1879, they have valiantly battled the legions of the undead.
“Our young men would arm themselves with wooden stakes and crossbows and there were pitch battles in the streets between vampires and humans,” says Wozniak. “Sometimes in a single night we would lose a dozen fighters.
“If only we had known we could simply stay at home and lock the doors.”
When vampires got the upper hand in these fights, the gutsy humans would barricade themselves in a building and make a last stand.
“We would always give the same defiant shout, ‘Chodz!!’ and brace ourselves for the vampire onslaught,” remembers Wozniak, 48.
“It’s a Polish phrase similar to your ‘Bring it on,’ but it literally means, ‘Come on in.’ In retrospect, we would have been better off shouting something like ‘Go away, vampires!’”
Shopkeeper Cyprian Tomaszewski says that for weeks his family had been terrorized by a vampire who fed from his 21-year-old daughter nightly.
“Each night he would appear at the back door and demand to visit my daughter Agata’s bedside,” says Tomaszewski, 54. “I knew that it was only a matter of days before she would die and join the ranks of the undead. But the monster said that if I resisted, he would take my other five children and my wife as well.”
When the shopkeeper learned of the vampire-busting “secret weapon” at the council meeting, he was overjoyed. The next night, when the vampire knocked on the door, Tomaszewski told the fiend – once a local baker named Bronislaw – that he couldn’t come in.
“The look on his face was priceless,” Tomaszewski recalls with a satisfied smile. “He looked like a little boy who’d been told he wasn’t getting any toys for Christmas.
“He said, ‘Excuse me?’ And I repeated myself.
“Bronislaw said, ‘You’ll be sorry,’ and stormed off in a huff.
“About 20 minutes later he showed back up wearing a greasy, black, shoe-polish mustache and claimed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. But I wasn’t buying it. I told him to get lost and he slunk off sadly into the darkness.
“I hear Bronislaw tried the same thing at two or three other houses on our street before he gave up.”
Residents are ecstatic that the long nights of terror appear to be over, but anger remains. Many feel that generations of village intellectuals let them down.
Aleksander Gorski had become a local hero in 1998 when one of his poems was published in an anthology of promising young Polish poets. Hundreds of villagers proudly displayed copies of the book in their homes, even though they were unable to read. But now that it’s known that Gorski overlooked the simple solution to the vampire problem for years, he’s gone from hero to zero. There’s talk of gathering every copy of the book in town and burning them in a bonfire.
“It’s not fair,” Gorski moans. “I never claimed I was an authority on fighting monsters.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All Rights Reserved.
SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES…
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
DON'T be the last one on your block to read C. Michael Forsyth's shocking horror novel.
To hear Chapter One of HOUR OF THE BEAST, click HERE.
We love movies that scare us. We love movies that make us laugh. Movies that do both can be among our favorites. Below are my picks for the best horror-comedies of all time. I’ve kept off the list movies that are unintentionally funny, or so-bad-they’re-good, like “Plan Nine From Outer Space.” At the bottom is a poll asking which is your choice for THE best horror-comedy ever. In chronological order:
1) “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” (1948) – One of the first of this genre, it sets the bar high for future horror-comedies. Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney Jr. reprise their roles as the classic Universal monsters Dracula and the Wolfman respectively. (Boris Karloff refused to return as the Frankenstein monster, but personally trained a lookalike). What makes the film so brilliant is that they play their roles absolutely straight. The humor comes from the reactions of America’s most famous comedy duo. Favorite scene: Costello searches for Lon Chaney’s character Larry Talbot in his hotel room, unaware that the Wolfman has transformed. The werewolf keeps diving for him – and missing!
LOOK INTO MY EYES: Bela Lugosi plays it straight as he puts the whammy on Lou Costello
2) “The Fearless Vampire Killers” (1967) – Just as Abbott and Costello spoofed the Universal horror movies, director Roman Polanski sends up the Hammer pictures of the ’60s. With loving attention to detail, he recreates the look, the atmosphere — and yes, those heaving bosoms. Polanski himself proves himself quite an adept comedic actor as the buffoonish assistant to a Van Helsing-like vampire slayer. As one might expect from the master director, there are plenty of artistic touches. In one scene, a human woman dances at a crowded ball in a vampire’s castle, then it is revealed in a mirror that only she casts a reflection. Adding to the creepiness of the film, the leading lady is Sharon Tate, who two years later would meet her end at the hands of real life monsters – the Manson family.
HAPPIER TIMES: Roman Polanski comes to rescue Sharon Tate from bloodsuckers
3) “Young Frankenstein” (1974) – Mel Brooks, the comic genius who created “Blazing Saddles” and TV’s “Get Smart,” affectionately parodies the early Frankenstein movies. He perfectly mimics the sets, lighting and costumes – and even got his hands on actual laboratory equipment and props uses in James Wale’s 1931 masterpiece “Frankenstein.” The movie was shot in black and white, a highly unusual choice at the time, especially for a comedy. The dead-serious look of the film makes the antics of Gene Wilder, Marty Feldman and the rest of the cast all the funnier. My favorite scene: Wilder, as Dr. Frankenstein’s descendant, demonstrates his new creation’s abilities in front of a theater full of colleagues – by joining the Monster in a tap-dancing rendition of the musical number “Putting on the Ritz,” complete with top hats and tails!
IS HE ALIVE? Gene Wilder and Teri Garr inspect The Monster (Peter Boyle).
4) “Love at First Bite” (1979) – Throughout the 1960s and until the tail end of the 1970s, George Hamilton was a perennial favorite on talk shows and one of the most famous movie stars in the world – without ever having had a starring role in a major motion picture! He was one of those celebrities like Zsa Zsa Gabor, who was famous for being famous, a handsome, amiable fellow with a terrific tan. But here, in his role as Dracula, he demonstrates a surprising flair for comedy. Hamilton followed this movie up with the lesser known but equally funny “Zorro and the Gay Blade,” one of the few comedies that literally made me laugh until I cried.
NO TAN: Who knew George Hamilton was funny?
5) “Ghostbusters” (1984) – Bill Murray is at his smirking, wiseass best, while fellow “Saturday Night Live” alumni Dan Ackroyd earns laughs with his trademark mock-serious delivery. Rather than spoofing any prior film, “Ghostbusters” introduces a highly original – and hysterically funny — concept: a ghost-hunting team that operates like a pest-control company. Ackroyd, himself an armchair paranormal sleuth, wrote the first version of the story and his genuine interest in psychic phenomenon lends an air of loony authenticity to the jargon. As he often does, Murray ad-libbed many of his one-liners. My favorite is when confronting a possessed Sigourney Weaver, he says, “This chick is toast!”
WE AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS: Harold Ramis, Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd take on pesky poltergeists
6) “Return of the Living Dead” (1985) – A direct sequel to George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead” that ignores previous follow-ups, this black comedy has become a cult classic in its own right. The premise is that the zombie outbreak of the original film actually occurred (in slightly different form), but was covered up by the government. When a pair of bungling employees at a medical-supply warehouse accidentally release toxic gas from a barrel containing zombie remains, all hell breaks loose. The movie owes much of its success to the wonderful comic timing and dead-pan delivery of Clu Gulager – an actor I’ve never seen before or since — as the warehouse owner. My favorite scene is when he’s asked by a suspicious cop what’s in a garbage bag full of squirming body parts. He replies, “Rabid weasels.” A bonus is the appearance of scream queen Linnea Quigley as a skanky punk girl who is stripped and ravaged by a gang of male zombies. She emerges as a ravenous zombie and remains nude for the rest of the movie, her perfect body inexplicably – and gloriously – intact.
OUCH! Zombies can take a licking and keep on ticking.
7) “Army of Darkness” (1993) – In the final installment of the “Evil Dead” trilogy, director Sam Raimi continues the progression from nightmare-inducing horror to comedy. Bruce Campbell’s protagonist Ash, little more than a pointy-chinned hunk in the first movie, here emerges as a full-fledged comic character, a cowardly hero of the classic Bob Hope variety. Macho, blustering and alternating savvy and stupid, Campbell is a joy to watch as a modern-day American trapped in a medieval kingdom beset by a horde of demons. There are genuinely scary scenes, such as when an old serving woman suddenly becomes possessed in the supposedly “safe” castle. But the real appeal of the film comes from Ash’s wisecracks and the slapstick comedy. At one point, Ash engages in an eye-poking Three Stooges routine while battling a skeleton. My favorite line: A woman in the S-Mart where Ash works turns into a horrifying demon, and the shotgun-toting hero tells her,” Lady, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store.”
GIVE ME SOME SUGAR BABY! This poster captures the film’s goofy high heroics.
8) Scary Movie (2000) — Keenan Ivory Wayans, creator of the hysterical sketch-comedy show “In Living Color,” directs this “Airplane”-style parody of Wes Craven’s “Scream.” The most pleasant surprise here is that his kid brothers Shawn and Marlon are actually funny, for the first time on film. The spoof of the super-successful slasher flick brings on the gags fast and furious. My favorite scene: the heroine Cindy (Anna Faris) is terrorized over the phone by the masked killer – then, when another call comes in, puts him on hold to babble girl talk to a friend.
CURVACEOUS Carmen Electra takes time out from fleeing a knife-wielding maniac to flaunt her gorgeous figure.
9) “Scary Movie 3” (2003) – Number 2 was a disappointment, but the series gets back on track in the competent hands of director David Zucker, co-creator of “Airplane” and “The Naked Gun.” The movie spoofs “Signs” and “The Ring,” combining the plots imaginatively. Like “Airplane,” and as in the case with the best comedies, the plot makes sense. Indeed, this parody actually comes together more logically than “Signs.” If you recall, in that M. Night Shyamalan thriller, the invading aliens are capable of interstellar travel yet incapable of getting into a boarded-up house; they had plotted their attack for decades, but neglect to wear suits to protect them from water — which kills them on contact!
WATCH THE SKIES: Anthony Anderson, Simon Rex and Charlie Sheen prepare to do battle with aliens.
10) “Shaun of the Dead” (2004) – If you’ve only seen Simon Pegg as Scotty in the “Star Trek” reboot, you missed out on one of Britain’s finest comedic actors. Look for him in movies like “Run, Fat Boy, Run,” and “Hot Fuzz.” Here, he’s engaging as a loser who rises to the occasion when England is overrun by zombies. Though funny as hell, the movie actually works as a zombie flick. My favorite scene occurs when Pegg, as Shaun, proposes to a group of survivors that they take refuge in the oaken-doored bar where he took his girlfriend the previous night. His snooty love rival shoots back, “How can you put your faith in a man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing?”
FAUX ZOMBIES: Shaun (Simon Pegg) and fellow survivors attempt to “blend in” with zombies.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights Reserved.
HORROR GETS THE MAX IN NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
Vampires run amok in an underground, escape-proof women’s prison in this gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel. Check out Night Cage!
Unlike this creepy dude from 1943's "I Walked With a Zombie," real zombies rarely attack humans unless provoked.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Police have rescued an American college coed who was held prisoner by an alleged voodoo priest for four harrowing years!
Authorities say that Kaitlan Orangeby, 24, was abducted by Henri Duclaire and “turned into a zombie by means of a powder.”
“The powerful potion put her in a deep trance and she became one of the ‘walking dead,’ ” police spokeswoman Marie Pressant said at a press conference. “She was unable to resist Mr. Duclaire’s commands.
“From what we’ve been able to piece together from the victim’s account, her body was used in every way imaginable — and in some ways you could not even begin to imagine.”
Kaitlan, who was pulled out of a squalid hut on her captor’s lavish estate on October 29, is now recovering from her nightmarish ordeal in her parents’ home in Darien, Conn.
Mercifully, her memories of her years as a zombie are dim. But in a phone interview, she said, “Henri told me I was dead and that he was my master. I totally believed him – I felt like I WAS dead. It was like I was sleepwalking and couldn’t wake up.
“Way in the back of my mind, part of me wanted to resist him, but I couldn’t. I was totally at his mercy. He’d snap his fingers and say something like, ‘Give me a foot massage,’ and I’d find myself doing it.”
The attractive blonde coed’s journey into Hell began on July 16, 2006, when she was vacationing on the island with her wealthy parents. The trip was great fun, with plenty of sunbathing, souvenir-shopping and touring, until their fateful visit to the rural town of L’Estere.
“The voodoo master was giving a lecture under a tent and we stopped to listen,” recalled Kaitlan’s mother Stephanie.
“When he got to the part about zombies, Kaitlan – who was wearing white ‘short shorts’ and a tank top that showed off her midriff — started to giggle. The voodoo man asked her what was so funny and Kaitlan said, ‘You are.’ ”
“Everyone in the small crowd laughed and Kaitlan laughed louder than anyone. He gave her this angry look and I remember a chill going up my spine.”
The family returned to their hotel in the capital. While the student’s parents slept that night, Kaitlan went partying at a popular nightclub – and never returned. Her frantic mom and dad hired a private detective to track her down, to no avail.
“It was as if she’d vanished into thin air,” her mother said.
Revealed Kaitlan, “I remember being force-fed this strange powdery stuff and the next thing I knew I was lying in a cold pit and someone was shoveling dirt on top of me. I realized I was being buried but I couldn’t get up or move.”
After what seemed like hours underground, she was unearthed and hauled from the grave.
“I felt really funny and when I climbed out of the grave I moved slowly and stiffly,” Kaitlan said. “I saw the voodoo priest standing there with this gleeful little smile on his face. He told me, ‘You are one of the walking dead now and I am your master.’
“I wanted to say, ‘Screw you, numb nuts,’ or something like that, but my mouth wouldn’t work. I found myself nodding.”
The young beauty remained totally mute for the duration of her captivity. Kaitlan, who was accustomed to designer clothes, was forced to wear a plain, raggedy white skirt and sleep in the tiny wooden shack near the successful voodoo practioner’s sprawling 20,000-square-foot mansion.
“I slept on a wooden bench and had to do my business in a slop bucket,” she recalled.
“Whenever Henri summoned me with his gong, I would rise and shuffle over to the big house with my arms raised. When I got there I would do whatever Henri commanded.”
To add insult to injury, Kaitlan was also forced to do light housekeeping in the mansion. To the once-pampered New England rich girl, this was more degrading than anything else.
“I had to sweep, scrub toilets, make beds,” Kaitlan said tearfully. “I had never cleaned a toilet in my life before then. We always had maids to do that. It was humiliating, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was like a mind-controlled robot.”
The nightmare finally ended when a heavily armed police task force conducted a raid on the estate, looking for a suspected drug den. No illegal drugs were found in the search – but the cops did find the bedraggled blonde zoned out in her hut.
“I saw her glassy-eyed stare and I knew immediately what the score was,” said Police Corporal Marcel Celestine. “I’ve seen the look before in other pitiful wretches we’ve rescued from zombism.”
Kaitlan was taken to a hospital in Port-au-Prince, where an antidote to the zombie potion was administered.
Until the 1980s, zombies were generally believed to be the stuff of Hollywood myth. But that misconception was put to rest when Harvard ethnopharmacologist Wade Davis traveled to Haiti to investigate the zombie mystery. He discovered that potent chemicals from plants and animals – including the puffer fish – are used to create a secret zombie powder. The drug paralyzes the victim, who is buried alive. When revived, the hapless victim is in a deep trance, with their free will evaporated, Davis revealed in his groundbreaking 1985 book “The Serpent and the Rainbow.”
“Zombies really do exist,” confirmed Haitian researcher Dr. Claude Bosquet. “But they are not the flesh-eating monsters you see in movies. They are actually quite docile creatures who are often exploited for farm work and menial chores.
“They are more to be pitied than feared.”
Outrageously, although Duclaire was caught red-handed, the evil sex fiend will probably never serve a day in jail for his heinous acts. Haitian law does not acknowledge the existence of voodoo, and the substance used to make zombies has not been banned.
“My client has done nothing illegal,” insisted attorney Yves Rimbaud. “Any love acts were completely consensual. The police report clearly states than no ropes, chains, or restraining devices of any type were found on the premises. The so-called ‘victim’ was free to go at any time.
“The notion that ‘voodoo’ can be used to control someone’s mind is superstitious nonsense.”
Brave survivor Kaitlan is expected to make a full recovery. She plans to return to college in the spring and to resume her studies.
“I guess it goes without saying I don’t plan to spend spring break in Haiti any time soon,” she said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
SEAN CONNERY would never abuse Her Majesty's gadgets.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON – A British secret agent faces severe disciplinary action after he used his car’s ejector seat to propel his yappy girlfriend from the vehicle!
The 38-year-old operative, whose name has been withheld by MI6 officials, admits that he exercised “exceedingly poor judgment” when he engaged the device as his vintage 1963 Astin Martin DB5 barreled down a country road at 75 m.p.h.
“She kept going on and on about how I was a ‘womanizer’ and was ‘afraid to commit,’” the spy confessed to his superiors. “I kept warning her that I was going to push the button, but the little fool wouldn’t listen. Finally, I just snapped.
“The last thing I remember hearing before she went airborne was, ‘You wouldn’t dare…’ ”
Miraculously, the 24-year-old brunette came down safely in a farmer’s field 150 feet from the road.
“She landed on her bum on a haystack,” said Police Constable Graham Lockenby, who responded to the incident. “Luckily, nothing was injured but her pride.”
According to reports in the British press, the field agent has had his license to kill suspended and he has been reassigned to a desk job pending a full investigation.
Some female officials at the intelligence agency are calling for the employee’s head.
“This is just the kind of reckless, misogynistic behavior we’ve been trying to eradicate from the espionage community for years,” fumed one administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“This irresponsible ruffian doesn’t deserve to carry a driver’s license, let alone a license to kill.”
Some of the agent’s male colleagues were more charitable.
“The old boy had been having a spell of rotten luck,” revealed a fellow agent. “He lost his favorite watch in a pool full of man-eating sharks, and he spent most of the morning trying to fit his miniature helicopter back into its suitcase.
“Yes, his conduct was unbecoming an English gentleman, but it was the sort of silly thing any of us might do at the end of a frustrating day.”
The agency has convinced the young woman, a West End beautician, not to file a lawsuit, for the “good of queen and country.” But she hasn’t yet forgiven her superspy sweetheart for his ungentlemanly behavior.
“These blokes think that because they have one of those bloody licenses to kill they can do whatever they please,” she told a London tabloid.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
The scariest werewolf novel you'll ever read: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Terror lurks in the woods in this short video on the website for Hour of the Beast.
To see the book trailer for C. Michael Forsyth’s heart-stopping novel Hour of the Beast or hear Chapter One read by the author, click HERE.
Not even Bruce Willis can save Earth this time, scared-stiff scientists warn.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MONTRÉAL, Canada – Just weeks after the bone-chilling discovery that the Andromeda Galaxy and the Milky Way are on a collision course, astrophysicists and rocket scientists from around the globe are scrambling to save the human race from extinction!
“It’s inspiring,” said one top astronomer. “Experts from Iceland to Zimbabwe are teaming up to find a solution to this impending disaster. We have even been joined by scientists from Iran and North Korea. Old differences like religion and geopolitics are being put aside and we are facing this incredible menace united.
“Even if we ultimately fail, this will be remembered as one of the scientific community’s finest hours.”
It was in early October that Professor Duncan Forbes and his colleagues at Quebec University made the alarming discovery that our neighboring galaxy Andromeda is zooming toward our own galaxy the Milky Way at a blinding 50 miles per second. The finding, announced in a publication of the Royal Astronomical Society, made headlines in scientific journals worldwide, but was overshadowed in the mainstream media by the departure of a popular contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”
“A vast event, the collision of the Milky Way and the giant spiral galaxy Andromeda is due to take place,” according to the October 6 edition of the respected online publication Science Alert.
The magnitude of the upcoming mega-disaster is almost beyond human comprehension.
“Picture an 18-wheeler bearing down on you at top speed,” a leading astrophysicist tried to explain to reporters in layman’s terms. “Now picture an 18-wheeler with the mass of a trillion stars making a beeline for you. We’re talking about the mother of all fender benders.”
The Canadian astronomers’ figures have been checked and rechecked and American experts grimly concur with the conclusion that the impact is inevitable.
“It’s now believed the two will collide,” confirmed renowned Minneapolis astronomer Mike Lynch, author of Washington Starwatch.
While racing against the clock to come up with an answer, scientists warn that there may be no way to stop the smash-up from occurring.
“This is not the scenario pictured in the old sci-fi novel, ‘When Worlds Collide,’” says a NASA engineer. “This isn’t just a planet, it’s an entire galaxy coming straight at us.
“And it’s certainly nothing like the movie ‘Armageddon,’ where it was just an asteroid headed our way. This time, we can’t just send up Bruce Willis with a nuke to blow it to smithereens.”
In “When Worlds Collide,” scientists manage to build a pair of rocket ships that whisk a handful of human survivors away to another planet just before the deadly impact. And a similar solution may be our last, best hope now. Some experts believe that we can construct an armada of star ships that evacuate Earth and fly the entire population to our nearest neighbor, the Canis Major Dwarf galaxy.
They admit the task is “somewhat daunting,” since Canis Major is a mind-bending 42,000 light years away, and the Earth’s population now tops a whopping 6.8 billion people. But they insist that time is on our side.
“No one knows exactly when Andromeda will hit – some estimate it could be more than 4 billion years,” explains the NASA engineer. “Keep in mind, it took a billion years for life to evolve on Earth. That gives us four times as much time to develop the technology to get everyone safely to another galaxy.
“We have the time, we just need to muster the will — and use the combined know-how of all the nations of Earth.”
Amazingly, some scientists say there’s nothing to worry about and that instead, people should adopt a “wait and see” attitude. They claim there’s a high probability that when the collision occurs, the two galaxies won’t destroy each other, they’ll merely merge to form one huge galaxy.
But the NASA expert says, “We can’t be sure of what will happen when the two galaxies collide. I just know I wouldn’t want to be there when they do – and I don’t want my great, great, great, great grandchildren to be there for the big light show either.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
THE FACE OF FEAR: Watch the sexy, creepy promo for Hour of the Beast.
To view the book trailer for the pulse-pounding horror novel Hour of the Beast, and hear the shocking and controversial opening chapter read by the author C. Michael Forsyth aloud, CLICK HERE.
In “Rosemary’s Baby,” Mia Farrow gets knocked up by the Devil
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO – A former member of a prominent Satanist church has filed a $2 million paternity suit against its head honcho, Lucifer, charging that the Evil One has failed to pay child support!
Mandy Greakley, 31, claims that she was impregnated by the Devil during a sinister rite in 2005, and that since then she hasn’t received a dime from him. What’s more, her lawsuit alleges, he has never once visited their young son.
“Lucifer left me high and dry,” Mandy says bitterly. “When we were together, he promised me the world, but when he found out I was expecting, he pulled a disappearing act.
“He dumped me and little Kyle like so much garbage. I guess there’s a reason they call him the Prince of Lies.”
Satanist leaders vehemently deny the stunning accusation against their beloved lord and master.
“He did not have sex with that woman,” insists Dan Hogerman, a spokesman for the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light. “This individual is obviously very, very troubled. She needs professional help.”
According to legal documents filed in San Francisco Superior Court, Mandy first met the Lord of Darkness at a Halloween party hosted by the church. At first, the raven-haired beauty didn’t believe the mysterious stranger when he revealed his identity.
“At these gatherings, you meet a lot of guys who claim to be high-ranking demons, but turn out to be low-level minions, or worse, ordinary humans,” explains Mandy.
But after a few minutes, she concluded that the tall, imposing gentleman was the genuine article.
“He showed me his power ring,” she says. “I’d seen pictures of it in old books and I recognized it immediately.”
Mandy was quickly swept off her feet by the debonair Devil.
“He spoke with this sexy British accent and, with that cape and that neatly trimmed black goatee, he looked so distinguished, like a college professor,” she recalls. “We talked for hours and I was blown away by how knowledgeable he was about so many subjects, from fine wines to bungee jumping.”
Thus began a whirlwind romance that lasted about nine weeks.
“Despite the age difference, we found we had a lot in common.” Mandy says. “He likes Jerry Springer and so do I.”
The strange relationship was allegedly consummated on a stone altar at the climax of a black mass.
“Lucifer was a surprisingly sensitive and patient lover – and the things he could do with that tail,” Mandy recalls with a small smile. “At first, it felt awkward doing ‘the wild thing’ in the middle of a crowd of worshippers in hooded robes. But in no time, I was completely ignoring them.”
For two months after that, everything went on swimmingly. Mandy was treated like a princess by her doting boyfriend.
“Lucifer took me to the finest restaurants; we traveled to Cannes for the film festival and to the Caribbean. He even told me about things to come. He predicted that Barack Obama would be elected president, long before anyone had ever heard of him. ‘Lu,’ as I called him, told me that one day I would sit on a throne beside him and rule as his queen. And, naively, I believed him.”
The good times ground to screeching halt when Mandy took a home pregnancy test and discovered that she was in a family way.
“When I told Lu, I expected him to be overjoyed,” she remembers. “Instead, he gave a kind of little grimace. He assured me that he would ‘do the right thing’ and was going to marry me as soon as he could ‘make some arrangements.’
“Days went by, then weeks, then months, but I never saw him again. When I was at the hospital, in labor, I was sure Lu was going to show up with a bouquet of flowers and some balloons, but he didn’t. I cried my heart out.”
Initially, Mandy feared that as soon as the baby was born, church members would swoop down, spirit him away and raise him to become Satan’s heir. But she needn’t have worried.
“They’ve shown absolutely no interest in Kyle,” she reveals. “I haven’t received any financial support from the church – zero, zip, nada. They didn’t even send a teddy bear or a congratulations card.”
Mandy, who joined the 12,000-member-strong church as a 15-year-old runaway and describes herself as having been a devout Satanist, now feels betrayed by elders who once took her under their wings.
“I trusted them like grandparents and they stabbed me in the back,” she says.
The flower-shop employee faces an uphill battle in her fight for justice for Kyle. Satan’s cronies are throwing every possible legal roadblock in the way, according to her lawyer, famed feminist attorney Audrey Morkouvitz
“For example, we simply asked for a DNA sample from Satan to establish paternity,” says Mourkouvitz. “The church claims he doesn’t have any. That’s a flat-out lie, as any Bible scholar can tell you.”
The church has filed a motion to dismiss the case as a “specious” lawsuit.
“This young woman is obviously insane, greedy or both,” declares Lloyd. M. Frairwether, attorney for the San Francisco-based church.
“A lawsuit against Satan? It’s patently ridiculous. What’s next, is some brat going to sue Santa Claus for not bringing him the right Christmas toy? The plaintiff is going to be laughed out of court.”
Unfortunately, the crafty defense attorney may be right. Judges are generally loathe to hear cases involving the supernatural, legal analysts say – often throwing out suits from home buyers who weren’t told that they’d purchased haunted houses.
But if the case does see the light of day in court, Lucifer’s goose may be cooked.
“If you have a plucky single mom pitted against Satan and his horde of wicked followers, who do you think a jury is going to side with?” observes one top legal eagle.
Contrary to the “Omen” movies, in which Satan’s spawn Damien has evil powers and rises to become the Antichrist, 4-year-old Kyle shows no signs as yet that he will follow in his father’s hoof steps.
“He can be mischievous sometimes and has trouble sharing his toys, but a lot of children his age are like that,” says his loving mom.
And even if her lawsuit fails, spurned Mandy plans to get sweet revenge on her former lover.
“I’m going to enroll Kyle in Catholic school,” she reveals with a laugh. “I know that will drive Lucifer crazy!”
Copyright 2010 C. Michael Forsyth
Check out the shocking and controversial book Hour of the Beast, by C. Michael Forsyth by clicking HERE.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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