By C. Michael Forsyth
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Family values crusader Kevin R. Crousley has launched a campaign to ban the teaching of quantum mechanics from our nation’s high schools, arguing that its principles violate biblical teaching.
“Particles popping in out of existence or being two places at once – you show me anything in the Bible about that,” declares the tireless advocate for Christian rights. “And this so-called ‘spooky action at a distance’ sounds a whole heck of a lot like old-fashioned magic to me.”
Crousley is determined that he get full credit for starting the movement, before others jump on the bandwagon.
“I was out there challenging the global warming nonsense decades before anybody else,” he asserts. “This time I’m getting the word out loud and clear before some Johnny Come Lately comes along and steals the credit.”
Most non-scientists are perplexed by quantum physics, which deals mainly with subatomic particles that disobey the rules of the world we see about us.
One counter-intuitive notion is that events don’t unfold according to the laws of cause of effect, but are governed by “probability clouds.” The Everett Many-Worlds Theory holds that every possible outcome takes place simultaneously, occuring in a “multiverse” made up of parallel universes.
What’s more, when two particles such as electrons interact and then become separated they become “entangled” and can instantaneously affect each other — even if they are light years apart!
Crousley’s biggest beef is with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which posits that a particle has no definite position until scientists measure it.
“If it’s so uncertain, why should we be ramming it down our children’s throats?” Crousley demands.
The family values proponent is especially appalled by the famous Schrödinger’s Cat thought experiment, in which a cat in a sealed box may be killed by cyanide yet, paradoxically, also be alive until the box is checked.
“What kind of twisted, atheistic egghead sits around dreaming up ways to murder cats — and/or not murder them at the same time?” blasts Crousley. “It’s sick and ungodly.”
If Crousley gets his way, teachers nationwide will no longer be able to mention quantum physics in class – and face a fine of up to $10,000 if they do. To critics who claim the proposal violates the First Amendment, he has a ready answer.
“It’s bad enough that science instructors are teaching Darwin’s theory of evolution as if it were a law like the law of gravity, ‘What goes up must come down,’ ” he says. “Now they’re teaching pure hogwash that almost no one can understand, let alone believe.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth