Archive for the ‘mass shooters’ Tag

TERRORISTS REFUSING TO VISIT U.S. — BECAUSE IT’S “TOO DANGEROUS.”   Leave a comment

Mass shootings

MASS SHOOTINGS like the one in Las Vegas have become an everyday occurrence in America, but gutless terrorists don’t have the gumption to risk them.

By C. Michael Forsyth

In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!

“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”

Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.

“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”

A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.

“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”

But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.

“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?

“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre new articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: