“Colon Expansion,” formerly known as The Judas Cradle, has been used by practitioners of enhanced interrogation techniques since the Middle Ages.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Chiefs of secret police forces worldwide are taking a page from Dick Cheney’s book and renaming torture techniques to sound like spa services — to ensure they can never be charged with war crimes.
Chinese Water Torture, for example, is now called Asian Aquatic Relaxation.
“According to the latest thinking in international law, if an interrogation technique sounds like a spa treatment, it’s not technically a war crime,” explained Hosni El-Shabiz, director of Syria’s Bureau of Information Extraction.
Cheney and CIA underlings dubbed enema torture “rectal hydration,” he noted.
Other name changes secret police forces have adopted:
* The Rack is now “Enhanced Spinal Decompression.”
* Bamboo shoots under the fingernails has been replaced by the more benign “Organic Subungual Therapy.”
* Cattle prod to the genitals is now known as “Intimate Area Stimulation.”
* The Iron Maiden has been switched to the friendlier “Deep Tissue Penetration.”
The names can be misleading to prisoners.
“Sometimes when you order a detainee to undress for a Dermal Abrasion session, they do it happily because they think it’s a soothing spa treatment,” El-Shabiz chuckled. “They’re usually quite taken aback when they discover that it means whipping with a cat o’ nine tails!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you appreciated the black humor of this story, you might enjoy the irony in his latest thriller The Identity Thief.
The tables turn on an identity thief in fast-paced thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in “The Hunger Games.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a “security state” fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!
“Every simulation we’ve run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19,” revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they’re a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They’re expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults.”
The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.
“We’re not talking about ‘rounding up’ anyone at this time,” the insider assured the public. “We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we’re working so hard to construct.”
PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in “Insurgent.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novelThe Blood of Titans.
“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.
QUICK AND THE UNDEAD: Zombie known only as Jacques is the fastest ever recorded.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — There are slow zombies. There are fast zombies. And then there is a blindingly fast zombie named Jacques who recently shattered the world record for his kind by running the 100 meters in 10:06 seconds!
The lean, French-born athlete pulled off the dazzling feat at the annual Undead Track and Field Tournament held in the Toussaint L’Ouverture Racetrack in Haiti, finishing many strides ahead of his eight competitors.
“Jacques’ astounding performance at this event demolishes the image of zombies as shambling and unfocused,” declared sportswriter Kevin J. Bracksley. “His speed was just a fraction of a second behind the ‘normal human’ record set by Usain Bolt in 2009.”
The remarkable “running dead” sports star is equally impressive in longer distances, recently clocked at 4.12 minutes in the mile.
Zombie racing is a tradition that dates back to the 18th century, when plantation owners would wager on their most fleet-footed undead field hands. Mark Twain, who saw one of the bizarre races on his many travels, wrote in 1896 that it was “sort of like a tortoise race, but less exciting.”
In the 20th century, the international tournament was expanded to include events such as the shot put and broad jump. Organizers hope that in future years, other athletic events such as beach volleyball will be added.
Zombies arrived from far away as Turkey to compete in the races held on November 14, brought by family members or handlers who’d purchased them. Jacques’ owner is a wealthy, unidentified British sports enthusiast whose team spent months training and conditioning the 6 foot 2, 160-pound athlete.
“Muscle break down and decay is very common among zombies and the lack of oxygen to the brain they suffer before revival usually means their motor control is shot,” explained Bracksley. “That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in competitive sports.”
Although Jacques’ full name has not been revealed, he reportedly was an avid marathon runner who took home several trophies in Europe before falling victim to a zombie outbreak in 2011. That background has doubtless aided the rotting runner, the sportswriter said.
“There’s such a thing as ‘muscle memory’ you don’t lose even when the higher centers of the brain are kaput,” he observed. “And I’d like to think that the competitive spirit that Jacques had before he crossed over is still flickering in that decaying skull of his, and that helped him across the finish line first.”
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of wild supernatural news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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