WASHINGTON — You can live like a king, even if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of — by tricking your brain into thinking you’re rich!
“Poverty is just a state of mind, as Dr. Ben Carson recently said,” according to Revis Washington, author of the upcoming book, Think Yourself Rich. “A medieval peasant who had all the things a ‘poor’ American has today, like indoor plumbing, would feel that he was on top of the world. And imagine how a Neanderthal man would react to a simple potato chip sandwich or a cozy cardboard shelter. It’s all relative. The government doesn’t need anti-poverty programs. The mind is a far more powerful tool.”
A few easily learned mental tricks that Washington calls “mind jujitsu” are all you need to be wealthy inside your head.
“You’re essentially brainwashing yourself out of poverty,” the author explained.
Here, from the expert, are five great Jedi-like mind moves you can use to achieve instant mental wealth:
REINVENT YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE – When you are eating cold scrambled eggs and government cheese, close your eyes and visualize fine beluga caviar and gourmet brie.
REDEFINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS — A rat is only a “rat” if you choose to see it as one. In your mind, transform your scampering house guests into playful squirrels.
RECONCEPTUALIZE TRANSPORTATION — Don’t think “We’re living in our car.” Tell your brain that you and your five children are on a fun road trip through the south of France.
RETHINK FASHION — Pretend those ripped and threadbare clothes are the latest chic look in Europe. Picture a skeletal model sporting your duds on a runway in Milan.
REJECT MODERN MEDICINE — Instead of fretting about not being able to afford antibiotics for your family, imagine that you are trying to beef up your immune systems the natural way.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
GREENVILLE, SC. — Connor Prenkwood learned the hard way that texting in church is a sin, when a lightning bolt burst through the roof and incinerated him in his pew!
The preacher, who was midway through his sermon when the bizarre tragedy occurred, is convinced that God punished the 26-year-old computer programmer.
“This is the Lord’s house, you can’t show that kind of disrespect,” declared the Reverend Jim Towsled of Garden of Gethsemane Methodist Church. “I warned the young folks in the congregation to put those cellphones away, but Connor just ignored me. When that streak of lightning tore through the ceiling and made a beeline for him, I knew that was the wrath of the Almighty at work.”
Firefighters called to the scene found a pile of smoking ashes where Connor had been sitting. Oddly enough, there was only minor charring on the wooden pew and except for a fist-sized hole in the roof, the rest of the 80-year-old building was undamaged. Even more surprising, the victim’s Samsung Galaxy S7 was unscathed and is still operable.
“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 14 years on the job,” said baffled fireman Claude Artess. “The Galaxy S7 tends to catch fire even without being struck by lightning.”
VICTIM CONNOR Prenkwood was reduced to ashes by lightning strike.
Connor’s big sister Crystal says she dragged her brother to church that day, an act she now regrets.
“If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let him stay home gaming like he wanted,” she said. “During the service, I whispered to him that he ought to turn off his phone, but he was arguing with his girlfriend Trish and he kept saying he’d be done in a minute. Then he got mad because someone else started texting him.”
Intriguingly, Connor’s final text messages suggest he might have received a warning from a higher authority than the minister. The phone carrier has confirmed that the following was the last exchange.
CONNOR: No Trish YOU’RE lame!
TRISH: Whatever
UNKNOWN CALLER: Stop texting.
CONNOR: Who is this?
UNKNOWN CALLER: I am that I am.
CONNOR: Buzz off retard
UNKNOWN CALLER: I command thee to turn off thy phone.
CONNOR: Or what?
RARE case in which Galazy S7 cellphone is NOT responsible for a blaze.
This is far from the first case of a person being fried to a crisp by lightning in church. Experts say there have been at least 125 such tragedies in the U.S. alone, dating as far back as 1640, when accused witch Charity Dunforth was struck down just as she crossed the threshold of a Puritan church. In 1993, a Pentecostal minister in Alabama vehemently denied accusations of adultery, declaring from the pulpit “If I’m lying, may God strike me dead.” The ensuing lightning blast carried him 30 feet and he succumbed to cardiac arrest. Just last year, Scotty Rosier, 45, died from injuries sustained when he was struck by lightning at Heart of Worship Church in Pineville, La.
South Carolina church suffered only minor damage.
Heartbroken Crystal, 31, admits her kid brother “wasn’t perfect,” but feels the Lord’s punishment was too harsh.
“It’s not like Connor was surfing for porn,” she said. “Isn’t the Almighty supposed to be a God of Love?”
But Bible scholar Elton Jeminson, who has written extensively about divine vengeance, wasn’t surprised to hear of the smiting.
“Let’s not forget, the God of the Old Testament was a real badass,” he observed. “No matter how fancy technology gets, the Lord will go old school in a heartbeat when he feels He’s been disrespected.”
NO MORE MR. NICE GUY: The Lord demands that worshippers give Him their undivided attention — or else.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
TRAGIC truck driver Sherman Oakshore, left, is looking more and more like actor Brad Pitt (right) with each passing day, and doctors are helpless to halt the disease process.
Milwaukee truck driver Sherman Oakshore is bravely fighting a heartbreaking medical ailment that is gradually distorting his facial features – morphing him into a dead ringer for movie star Brad Pitt.
“It’s a nightmare,” declared anguished Sherman, 46. “My own mother no longer recognizes me, and my 2-year-old daughter runs away when I try to hug her. Angry women come up to me on the street and scold me for dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie – and just as many fans of Angelina chew me out for divorcing her.”
Sherman first began to notice that his face was beginning to subtly change in 2011, spotting slight differences as he shaved. By 2015, his resemblance to the Ocean’s Eleven actor had become alarming. Baffled doctors aren’t sure what’s causing the terrifying cellular change, but some experts theorize that he suffers from Proteus Syndrome, a highly rare congenital disorder.
“The syndrome, which causes extreme changes in bone structure and tissue, is named after the Greek sea-god Proteus who could change his shape at will,” explained Dr. Hans Chudulski. “It’s believed that this is what caused the striking disfigurement of Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man.”
Only about 200 cases of the syndrome have ever been recorded, and just 120 people currently alive have been diagnosed with the condition.
“We’ve long suspected that there is a larger population of people with Proteus who remain undiagnosed because they suffer from a milder variation of the syndrome,” the expert revealed. “Perhaps a tiny subset, like Mr. Oakshore, actually become more attractive.”
HAPPIER DAYS: In this 2009 photo, Sherman Oakshore bears little resemblance to Brad Pit.
By 2015, symptoms of the bizarre disease were clearly evident.
Only two other cases exist in the medical literature in which a patient has transformed into a celebrity lookalike. In 1952, a Cleveland waitress came to resemble Greta Garbo, and in 1971, an Alabama sheriff’s deputy slowly turned into the spitting image of comedian Flip Wilson.
Actor Pitt has appeared in more than 60 films, including Thelma and Louise and World War Z. He received an Oscar nomination for his starring role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he plays a man who is born old and mysteriously ages in reverse. While many American males might relish the chance to step into the shoes of the ultra-handsome superstar, Sherman is miserable that his life has been turned upside down.
“I used to enjoy hanging out, throwing darts and drinking beer at the bar,” said the once-homely, squinty-eyed regular Joe. “Now I get teased something awful and bullied by toughs who’ll say something like ‘Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you show us some of those Fight Club moves?’
“My best friend tried to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am, because I could ‘pick up plenty of girls’ on account of how rich and famous Brad Pitt is. But I’m married with five kids.”
The trucker’s wife Clarice considers her hubby’s facial upgrade anything but a godsend.
“I just want my Sherman back,” she said, wiping away a tear. “What broke our hearts is when his own dog Happy growled and snapped at him. That German shepherd wouldn’t let Sherman through the front door until he sniffed his pants leg and recognized him by smell.
“If that’s not bad enough, we can’t go to the mall or the movies without some brazen tart in a miniskirt sidling up, asking for an autograph and saying, ‘I hear you’re back on the market.’”
Doctors are now racing for a cure, fearing that the damage may be irreversible and that the victim could be 100 percent Brad within a matter of months. But they admit the prognosis is poor.
“Mr. Oakshore must face the very real possibility that he will look like Brad Pitt for the rest of his life,” admitted Dr. Chudulski.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of odd news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!
For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”
“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”
The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.
“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”
At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.
“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”
Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.
The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!
For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”
Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.
Paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven. Madison, whose last name was withheld by investigators, recovered fully after four hours of unconsciousness, reporting vague memories of being surrounded by “a bunch of naked old people with pot bellies.”
Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.
“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”
EDISON, N.J. –If you find yourself trapped in a haunted house with a malevolent ghost, head straight to the basement. That’s the surprising advice of a top expert in the supernatural!
“It sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of behaviors that seem stupid in a horror movie turn out to be highly successful survival strategies in the real world,” reveals Dr. Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.
“Disembodied souls generally frequent the areas of a house where they spent the most time while alive – for example the master bedroom or the kitchen. People spend hardly any time in their basement. That’s why it’s the place you’re least likely to encounter a ghost. If your haunted house doesn’t have a cellar, take refuge in the attic during a crisis.”
Here are six other vital tips from the researcher:
• ALWAYS SPLIT UP – “A ghost possesses only a finite amount of psychic energy,” Dr. Greavesby points out. “If it tries to attack five different people in five different rooms, that energy is divided and the ghost is weakened.”
SPLITTING up didn’t work out so well for the characters in “Scary Movie 2,” but in real life the strategy works.
• USE A FLICKERING FLASHLIGHT – A flashlight with a loose connection or dying batteries can save your hide. “Contrary to common belief, ghosts can’t see in the dark any better than the living can,” reveals the expert. “Indeed, you have the advantage since once the room is pitch black, you can feel your way out. Because a ghost’s hand will pass through solid objects, he or she can’t do that.”
FLASHLIGHT that doesn’t work gives you an advantage over ghosts.
• DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT’S HAUNTED – Packing your bags and fleeing with your family at the first sign of trouble is useless and potentially dangerous. “An evil spirit often follows a victim from one house to the next and may be angered that you’ve ‘abandoned’ it,” the expert explains.
CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.
WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.
• REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS — Ignore the warnings of old caretakers, ominous sounds, objects that move inexplicably, dolls whose heads turn in your direction and your children’s reports of having seen dead people. “Ghosts feed on fear – it’s the primary source of their energy,” says Greavesby. “Showing no fear causes that energy to dissipate. If you appear oblivious to the presence of a ghost after two months of rigorous haunting, it will grow frustrated and weary and cease its efforts to harass you.”
WE ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray poked fun at spirits in “Ghostbusters.”
• TAUNT THE SPIRIT – “You have to show the ghost who’s boss as soon as you move in,” explains the expert. “It’s like dealing with a bad dog. Establish early on who’s the alpha, the dominant one in the situation, and nine times out of ten it will back down.” Laughter is a potent weapon, he adds. “Mockery and insults such as classic ‘Yo mama’ jokes can quickly rob a ghost of its ‘mojo’. Curse words can be very effective, especially against spirits who lived in the 19th century and are unaccustomed to foul language.”
• HANDLE CURSED OBJECTS — Don’t hesitate to march into a “forbidden” room and pick up the dead person’s former prized possessions such as antique jewelry or an eerily lifelike portrait. Notes Greavesby, “If you boldly put on that necklace you’ve been warned never to touch, stare in the ‘haunted mirror’ and give the ghost you see behind you the finger, the spirit will know you can’t be intimidated and will most likely give up.”
WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?
If you got a chuckle out of this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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By C. Michael Forsyth
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