Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that its proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been only six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first introduced to Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and they are now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Five Sports as Thrilling as Hunting Hibernating Bears   Leave a comment

 

bear-hibernating

LIGHTS OUT: This unlucky bear will wake up as someone’s rug.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.

The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.

Animal lovers  have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.

“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”

As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.

“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”

There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:

sloth

Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.

Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.

chimpanzee-chess

 

Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.

Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.

Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Hitler Mustache Making a Comeback   Leave a comment

mustache-hitler-young-better

Model sports novelty Hitler mustache.

By C. Michael Forsyth

With “alt-right” leaders in the White House and the movement growing in popularity, it’s perhaps not surprising that the Hitler moustache is making a comeback. Also known as the toothbrush mustache, the style has been out of fashion for decades due to its association with the mass-murdering Nazi madman, but now it’s being rehabilitated.

“It’s been more than 65 years since World War II ended. The general feeling is that it’s time to put the past behind us,” points out Oscar Huytwill, founder of a male grooming website. “The toothbrush mustache is not only acceptable again, it’s the fastest growing trend since the soul patch. Hip young trendsetters and image-conscious executives alike are sporting what is fast becoming the chic look for 2017.”

charlie-chaplin-mustachehitler-mustacheThe toothbrush moustache was born in the U.S. in the late 19th century and later spread to Germany. Silent film legend Charlie Chaplin was one of its most famous wearers, adopting the style around 1914. Hitler, a huge Chaplin fan, decided to trade in his flowing Kaiser moustache for the look, which the Fuhrer felt would make him appear to the people to be an “everyman,” just like the beloved Little Tramp. Following the despised dictator’s defeat in 1945, the facial hairstyle plummeted from popularity around the world.

Over the years, a handful of celebrities have trotted out the toothbrush mustache, but it’s rarely been well-received. Musician Ron Mael of the rock band Sparks maintained one in the  ’70s and ’80s. In 2010, basketball great Michael Jordan appeared in a Hanes underwear commercial with a Hitler moustache and fans were aghast.

mustache-ron-mael

Ron Mael was one of a handful of stars to pull off the Hitler stache.

mustache-hitler-jordan

Fans were baffled by Michael Jordan’s weird whiskers.

“I don’t know what the hell he was thinking and I don’t know what Hanes was thinking,” his friend, fellow basketball star Charles Barkley said at the time. “I mean it’s just stupid, it’s just bad, plain and simple.” Jordan quickly ditched the look. But now, it’s taking America by storm.

“You don’t have to be a neo-Nazi, white nationalist or alt-right to wear a toothbrush moustache,” Huytwill said. “The fashion statement you’re making is really that you are someone who changes with the times. Just as the caveman beard was emblematic of the Stone Age and the porn stache was iconic in the 1970s, the rebooted Hitler mustache perfectly captures the spirit of 2017.”

mustache-hitler

College professor Brian Ruhe is a fan of the Fuhrer’s trademark look.

mustache-richard-herring

Stand up comedian Richard Herring earns salutes from audiences with his toothbrush mustache.

Chip Bolwren, a 27-year-old, up-and-coming Manhattan marketing exec, says that wearing the postage stamp-shaped whiskers communicates the message that he’s not bound by “old school political correctness,” and is in step with the in crowd.

“I’ve received nothing but compliments from my boss, coworkers and clients,” he revealed. “My girlfriend didn’t like it at first, and that might possibly have something to do with the fact that she’s Jewish, but I know that in time she’ll get used to it.”

mustache-hitler-3

A young man identified as Scott B. posted this dashing pic  on the Internet.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

How to Spot Mexicans, Muslims and Indians   Leave a comment

eli-wallach

America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.

“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”

The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.

“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”

Here are some samples from the photo array:

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-better

MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.

eli-wallach

JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.

teri-hatcher

SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.

Dave Chapelle

MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle  converted to Islam in 1998.

Stacey Dash

MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.

james-roday

MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.

jerry-seinfeld

SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.

johnny-depp-tonto

AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.

ted-williams

MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.

snooki-3

CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.

2013 Entertainment Weekly Pre-Emmy Party - Arrivals

Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.

sean-connery-wind-and-the-lion-dark-turban

SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”

paula-abdul

SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.

ralph-nader

ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.

salma-hyack-boobs

Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.

val-kilmer

NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”

shaquille-ooneal

MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.

vanna-white

PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.

prince-of-persia

SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.

frank-zappa

ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.

judd-hirsch-bio-pic

JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.

shakira

ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were  Lebanese.

ice-cube-3

MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.

pocohantas

NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.

klinger

CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.

neil-patrick-harris

GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”

antonio-banderas

SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.

tilda-swinton

WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.

vince-vaugn

ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.

wes-studi

NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”

laverne-cox

TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”

aziz-ansari

INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.

gabrielle-anwar

INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.

andre-agassi

IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.

ben-kingsley

INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.

mahershala-ali

MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”

kal-penn

INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.

george-lopez

MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.

helen-bonham-carter

SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.

kim-kardashian

ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.

cindy-crawford-1

ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.

danny-thomas

ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz. 

that-girl

Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

In “Changa’s Safari” an African Sinbad Battles Sorcerers and Demons.   Leave a comment

changa-better_edited-1

By C. Michael Forsyth

Reading Changa’s Safari, a thrilling and original adventure introducing an instantly iconic hero, was one of the most satisfying literary experiences of my life. It’s as if Milton J. Davis reached into my mind, found elements I’ve always loved and expertly assembled them, the way a parent might weave all their child’s favorite things into a bedtime story.

Given that the glory of medieval Africa was its vast and sophisticated trading system, I’ve long thought an African Sinbad would make an interesting character — and here he is: the swashbuckling merchant Changa, who survives on both his cunning and brawn. I grew up on those Ray Harryhausen movies like The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, and this book recaptures that magic and mystery, as the seafaring Changa ventures onto mysterious islands, slashes his way through jungles and battles monsters, demons and sorcerers. The novel is broken into three grand outings. In the first, he and his intrepid crew set forth on a quest for a powerful talisman called the Jade Obelisk – which, in the wrong hands can destroy the world. In another, to return an emperor to his throne, Changa journeys to the Great Wall of China.

I’m a huge fan of the Conan books and Changa’s Safari — a brilliant example of what’s been dubbed the “sword and soul” genre — has echoes of Robert Howard’s cosmology. The hero finds himself at odds with sinister, ancient entities that lurk on the edges of our world, aching to regain power.

Davis clearly invested many years researching Africa and it pays off in believability. The setting is not some fantasy land cobbled together from a couple of Internet articles and wishful thinking, but real places such as Zimbabwe and the port city of Sofala, reconstructed as they must have been, with loving attention to detail. Medieval African merchants really did do business as far away as East Asia. As a student of African history who is eager to see representations of the continent that do justice to its advanced civilizations, I’m ecstatic to find a book that satisfies that thirst.

Whether on land or sea, the action scenes are vividly described and well-choreographed. The weapons used and the military tactics all are genuine. The supporting cast including Changa’s sorceress aide and love interest Panya, help to round out the story and bring out the hero’s compassionate side. While he hungers for gold, he cares for his friends more.

I have to admit, I’m a bit envious of Davis. My own sword and soul novel The Blood of Titans contains loads of details about African societies culled from stacks of books, but I ended up borrowing from various cultures as needed to create a mythological kingdom. In retrospect, I wish I’d set the story in a specific time and place, as Davis does. My book also includes a wily warrior-merchant, the caravan master Kamau, as a secondary hero — but frankly, I kind of like Changa better!

Trouble is now I’m getting greedy. I want to read the next Changa book and the next. I want to feast my eyes on a graphic novel version and a feature film. And I can see in my head a TV show akin to Xena, Warrior Princess, following the adventures of the hero and his intrepid crew!

 

Blood of Titans cover as printed better_edited-1

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

HOW TO BE A USEFUL IDIOT   Leave a comment

 

mr-bean

Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, is Britain’s favorite half-wit.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You don’t have to be some university egghead who discovers the next “God particle” to make a contribution to society. You can be just as useful as an idiot.

“From time immemorial, fools have played an important role in civilization,” points out sociologist Daniel K. Roelston. “In the Middle Ages, every community had a village idiot, who took townsfolks’ minds off of concerns such as the Black Plague. Kings had court jesters who eased the burden of absolute rule. Examples of this can be found as far back as ancient Egypt and in cultures as remote from the West as the Aztecs.”

Often dressed in colorful and outlandish garb, court fools could use mockery to point out flaws in a monarch’s plan, while advisors might face beheading for such criticism. They could also give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.

jester1“For instance, in 1340, when English ships destroyed the French fleet at the Battle of Sluys, admirals of the French King Phillippe VI didn’t have the nerve to tell him,” reveals Roelston. “But his jester clued in the king with the wisecrack that ‘English sailors don’t even have the guts to jump into the water like our brave French.’”

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was advised by a series of half-wits known as “holy fools” who appeared at court from the countryside in rags. Their “nonsensical” babbling contained warnings of discontent among the peasants.

“I’m sure you remember that class clown in high school whose antics made mean and boring teachers bearable, and kept you from worrying about the big chemistry test,” Roelston says. “Now today perhaps you’re not very educated or bright, but you can play the same role. You don’t have to be a useless idiot, you can be a useful one.”

Here are five ways you can be useful to those around you, even if you’re dumb as a bag of hammers:

 

1. DISTRACT – While the boss is announcing upsetting news such as a wage freeze, get your coworkers’ attention with a sight gag or good old-fashioned pratfall.

2. DUMB DOWN – When the neighborhood brainiac tries to show off at the barbecue by talking about some highfaluting book he read, making everyone feel stupid, put Mr. College in his place. Show how little you value book smarts with a line like, “Personally, I didn’t think The Divine Comedy was funny at all. I read 40 pages and only laughed twice.”

3. DEFUSE – If your pals at work are angry because they’re losing their dental coverage, calm them down with a one-liner such as “Well I’ve always wanted to look British!”

4. DISPUTE – If a neighbor starts spreading word that the street is about to be rezoned, freaking everyone out, insist idiotically that “The Twilight Zone doesn’t really exist.”

5. DEFLECT – If a manger criticizes your division for “not giving it your all,” jump in with a funny line like, “You didn’t say that when Cathy got drunk at the Christmas party.”

“Just remember the Five D’s and you can’t go wrong,” the sociologist says.

trump-mocks-4

Russian officials have reportedly called President Donald Trump their “useful idiot.”

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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