1 in 20 Chance Eclipse will Never End, Expert Warns   Leave a comment

Solar_eclipse_1999_4_NRBy C. Michael Forsyth

GREENVILLE, S.C. — Millions of enthusiastic American children will run outside today to view the solar eclipse, but their joy may be short-lived — because the eclipse will never end, if members of a diabolical secret society have their way.

The mysterious cabal of 13 self-proclaimed sorcerers, telepaths and necromancers reportedly plans to perform a terrifying ancient ritual which, if successful, will freeze the moon in position blocking the sun – plunging the Earth into darkness permanently.

“It sounds crazy – so crazy it just might work,” says Dr. Henry Jorgenbach, a professor of astrological physics who learned of the scheme at a recent New Age gathering. “My colleagues and I calculate that there’s a 5 % chance that they’ll pull it off and the eclipse will continue indefinitely. The cult hopes to usher in a new Dark Age, in which science and reason are abandoned and mankind is ruled by superstition and fear.”

The sinister secret society, known as the Circle of Dark, has existed for thousands of years and has tried many times before to interfere with the rare celestial events, according to the expert.

tablet“A Syrian clay tablet, in the ancient Ugaritic language, records a solar eclipse that occurred on March 5, 1223 B.C.,” Dr. Jorgenbach reveals. “The tablet describes how a group of renegade priests tried to perform a forbidden ceremony to make the eclipse last forever. Fortunately, they were stopped in the nick of time. Evidence suggests that this was the origin of the Circle of Dark.”

The Circle has attempted the ritual countless times since then, but has never been able to extend an eclipse longer than six days. The most recent bid, in 1979, failed when a shipment of goat’s blood needed for the ceremony got lost in the mail. But this time, the secret society has all its ducks in a row.

“They’ve assembled some of the most powerful telepaths and sorcerers in the world here in Greenville, S.C., one of the best viewing spots for the eclipse,” says Dr. Jorgenbach. “They’ve never been better positioned to succeed.”

In many cultures worldwide, myths warn of a civilization-ending eclipse. The Ch’orti’, indigenous Mayas, believed “an eclipse of the sun that lasts more than a day will bring the end of the world, and the spirits of the dead will come to life and eat those on earth,” an anthropologist was quoted as saying in the prestigious New York Times.

If the ceremony succeeds, the earth will also cease to rotate, leaving America perpetually under the eclipse, and subject to sinister supernatural forces. But it will be no bed of roses on the other side of the world, which, without the sun, will simply be in eternal darkness.

“If something like this were to happen, which sounds unlikely, the effects on agriculture would be devastating and almost immediate,” explains a U.S. Department of Agriculture source. “Plant life depends on photosynthesis and with that interrupted, we’d be looking at worldwide famine.”

The fanatics are scheduled to converge on Greenville’s famous Falls Park, a site popular for picnicking and outdoor performances of Shakespeare, several hours before the eclipse begins.

Panic and chaos would likely sweep the U.S. if the eclipse fails to end as expected. But hopefully, that will never happen. Dr. Jorgenbach and his colleagues have organized a team of local psychics, ministers and rabbis to perform a counter-ceremony during the eclipse, designed to derail the Circle’s scheme.

He says, “All that ordinary citizens can do now is wait, pray and watch the skies.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Don’t Have Sex During Eclipse, Occult Experts Warn.   Leave a comment

 

eclipse love two

Love-making under full moon has less dire supernatural consequences.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

Getting busy between the sheets during Monday’s solar eclipse might sound like a naughty, once-in-a-lifetime thrill — but experts warn that a child conceived during the rare celestial event could be born a demon!

“According to Eastern mythology, any child conceived during a total eclipse will become one of the ‘Children of Rahu,’ fierce creatures that suck the life force out of ordinary humans,” reveals occult researcher Roger C. Bertswill.

While most Americans will don special glasses to gawk as the moon blocks the sun for several minutes, some adventurous young lovebirds plan to celebrate by toasting with champagne and then making whoopee.

“They think it’s a romantic way to mark the occasion and that there’s something magical about becoming pregnant at the moment the earth is plunged into darkness,” explains Bertwill. “To them, it’s as special as your baby being the first delivered in a new millennium. They have no idea how dangerous these mystical forces can be.”

An ancient Hindu myth states that eclipses are the handiwork of the demon Rahu, who was punished with decapitation by the god Vishnu for drinking the elixir of eternal life.

“Only Rahu’s head survived, becoming immortal, and his vengeance on the world is to ‘swallow’ the sun, creating an eclipse,” the expert says. “For centuries, certain mystics who’ve devoted their lives to the study of forbidden texts about the powerful demonic entity have taught that a child conceived during a solar eclipse, when day turns to night, is doomed to become a Child of Rahu.”

Legend has it the demonoids can only be killed by beheading, or by being tricked into eating a very spicy Indian dish called phall. In rare instances, when raised with kindness, the strange, purple-eyed offspring can learn to serve humanity for good, becoming “demon warriors” not unlike the famed comic book hero Hellboy. But in most cases, they are highly destructive, often setting fires and carrying off livestock.

“I strongly advise Americans to refrain from engaging in intercourse during the eclipse,” Bertswill says. “But if you cannot resist the temptation, for God’s sake please use appropriate birth control.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Kim Jong Un to U.S. : Turn over Wolf Girl or “Face Annihilation.”   Leave a comment

Wolf Girl Update

HUNTED: Photo of Wolf Girl taken in squalid “human zoo” prior to her escape.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PYONGYANG — A month after North Korea’s famous wolf girl escaped from her cell beneath the palace of Kim Jong Un, the depraved dictator has accused the U.S. of sheltering the fugitive freak of nature in a secret C.I.A. safe house.

In a rambling, 11-minute speech on state-run television, the dangerously unstable tyrant demanded that President Donald Trump turn her over – or else.

“The Wolf Girl is a national treasure and the property of the people of North Korea,” the pudgy strongman declared. “If she is not returned within 72 hours, America will face absolute annihilation. We will unleash our mighty nuclear arsenal and the people’s missiles will reduce the city of Washington to ashes.”

The Wolf Girl, who is covered head to toe in fur-like hair, is believed to suffer from a rare birth defect called congenital universal hypertrichosis. Her heartbreaking plight first came to light when human-rights activists revealed the existence of Kim’s sick private “zoo” stocked with at least 150 human oddities beneath the presidential palace. Ironically, the diminutive despot showed little concern for the welfare of the pitiful 17-year-old creature before her daring escape from the squalid cell where she’d been held since infancy.

“Kim mistreated the Wolf Girl terribly whenever he visited his human menagerie,” revealed a palace source. “He would prod her with his walking stick and squeal with delight when she snarled.”

Kim Jong Un

MADMAN Kim Jong Un gleefully mistreated the Wolf Girl when she was in his clutches.

The extreme urgency North Korea has attached to recapturing the Wolf Girl appears to be politically motivated. During her weeks on the lam, she became a symbol of freedom to peasants suffering under Kim’s brutal communist regime.

“The government cannot allow such a living symbol to remain free,” explained the insider. “It is a threat to Kim’s authority.”

The U.S. government has neither confirmed nor denied that it has given refuge to the mute teen, who communicates only in grunts, yips and howls, and crawls about on all fours. But a reliable State Department source claims that dissidents delivered her to American agents after she was found wandering the streets of the capital.

“She was naked, with her fur caked in mud and filth,” he revealed. “She was wild-eyed and terrified, nipping at anyone who tried to help her.”

Trump signing

DAY OF DECISION: President Donald Trump

Now President Trump is facing the greatest moral dilemma of his young presidency.

“This is a real profiles-in-courage moment,” the State Department source stated. “The President has to decide which is more important: The freedom of one brave girl whom many might consider one of ‘Mother Nature’s mistakes’ or the safety of 325 million Americans.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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BENEDICT ARNOLD’S GHOST FREED FROM CURSE — BY DONALD TRUMP!   Leave a comment

 

bENEDICT aRNOLD

TURNCOAT Benedict Arnold was America’s most notorious traitor.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

For more than 200 years, the restless spirit of Benedict Arnold has haunted West Point, cursed by George Washington himself to roam, earthbound, “as long as you are the greatest traitor in our nation’s history.” But now the curse appears to have been broken and the tortured ghost released — thanks to Russian-backed President Donald Trump!

Soon after Mr. Trump’s cozy relationship with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin came to light, four cadets at West Point — sworn to truthfulness in their honor code — claim they saw General Arnold’s eerie form walk into a beam of white light and vanish.

“The ghost gave a small, grateful smile and waved to us, then he slowly dissolved until there was nothing there,” reported one of the eyewitnesses.

A special counsel is currently investigating allegations that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian officials who interfered with the U.S. presidential election — in return for Trump’s guarantee that if elected, he’d lift sanctions against America’s adversary.

“The apparition has not been seen since May 17, the night after the special prosecutor was appointed. We can’t be sure if President Trump’s actions lifted the centuries-old curse, but it’s hard to believe the timing is coincidental,” observed Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.

Trump thumbs up

THUMBS UP: President Trump scored yet another victory by lifting curse on Benedict Arnold.

 

Benedict Arnold’s role as America’s most infamous traitor during the Revolutionary War is well known to every schoolchild. Once a highly esteemed Major General in the Continental Army, he secretly switched sides in the middle of the war. Arnold had been put in command of American fortifications at West Point (future site of the military academy) and in 1780, he conspired with British spies to turn the fort over to the Red Coats. The plot was foiled just in time and Arnold escaped, joining the King’s forces.

The turncoat waged a bloody campaign against his former compatriots. Most notoriously, he massacred patriots at Fort Griswold in his native Connecticut and burned down the nearby towns of Groton and New London, spreading desolation and woe in the region.

After the war, Arnold fled to England, where he lived out the remainder of his life bearing a blackened name synonymous with treason.

“In 1801, Benedict Arnold became deathly ill and fell into a state of delirium for four days,” revealed Greavesby. “He told relatives surrounding his deathbed that he had been visited by the spirit of George Washington, who’d died two years earlier. He fearfully told them that General Washington had put a curse on him, then just hours later he passed away.”

Over the succeeding years, Benedict Arnold’s spectral figure has been spotted by scores of witnesses, making nighttime rounds atop the walls of West Point.

“He’s described as wearing a grim expression and sometimes mournfully mouthing the words, ‘Forgive me,’” said Greavesby.

time_of_their_lives_washington_

Abbott and Costello in The Time of Our Lives

 

The Benedict Arnold Curse is said to have inspired the 1946 Abbott and Costello comedy The Time of Our Lives. In the film, tubby funnyman Costello plays a patriotic Revolutionary War tinker named Horatio Prim who is mistaken for a traitor and shot. His ghost is cursed to be earthbound “until the crack of doom,” unless it can be proven he was really a patriot.

Descendants of Arnold are relieved that their forebear has at long last been released from his earthly bonds.

“If Mr. Trump’s actions truly are responsible for Benedict’s salvation, he has our family’s eternal gratitude,” said great-great-great-great granddaughter Mrs. Millicent Killheady-White of London.

 

bENEDICT ARNOLD GHOST rOBIN

In popular fiction, Benedict Arnold’s ghost has battled Robin and Batgirl, as well as the Scooby Doo gang.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Copyright C. Michael FBorsyth

Memorial Day is Out. Trump Loyalty Day is In!   Leave a comment

 

Trump rally best

LOYAL AMERICANS: This is what your backyard party will look like in May 2018.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Have a wonderful Memorial Day — because odds are it will be the last one you ever celebrate. In May of 2018, if you’re like most Americans, you’ll be celebrating President Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day instead!

Earlier this year, President Trump proclaimed May 1 an official Loyalty Day, and holiday planners say it’s unlikely that from now on most U.S. citizens will plan two big backyard barbecue events in a single month.

“Patriots who want to show their loyalty to the President will choose May 1, his Loyalty Day,” said event organizer Terri Fieldling. “The plain truth is Memorial Day doesn’t have much meaning for people anymore. It used to be a solemn occasion to commemorate the war dead. Now it’s pretty much just an excuse for us to barbecue ribs and guzzle beer, while our kids play tag. Loyalty Day celebrations will be very similar, but will incorporate Trump themes. Patriots will wear red Trump baseball caps and float Make America Great Again balloons.

“Since May 1 is also a major holiday in Russia, many Americans will display Russian flags alongside Old Glory (and of course their Confederate flags), and wear those popular combined U.S. and Russian flag solidarity pins.”

Russian American flags

U.S. and Russian flags will fly side by side on the next Loyalty Day.

In addition to standard American picnic games such as Tug of War and potato sack races, children will play traditional Russian yard games such as Rezinochzi, Boyars, Koldunchiki (Wizards), Cossacks and Thieves, and Vishibali (Russian Dodgeball). This helpful web site provides rules to these traditional Russian backyard games your kids can enjoy on Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day.

May Day, as it’s known in Russia, has been an important holiday since the late 19th century when it was chosen as the date for International Workers Day by socialists and communists. At the height of the Cold War, it was celebrated with huge military parades. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, May Day celebrations declined, but this year President Vladimir Putin revived them in a big way. On May 1, 2017, an estimated 2 million people crowded Moscow, waving Russian flags and signs that said “Putin is right.”

“Now that Russia is an oligarchy devoted to the accumulation of wealth by a small number of billionaires such as President Putin and his associates, May Day doesn’t have those communist connotations anymore,” a tourism expert explained. “Now it’s mainly about demonstrating national pride and loyalty to Mr. Putin.”

Rezinochki

TRADITIONAL Russian picnic game Reinochzi will be played in backyards across America next Loyalty Day.

Social media in the U.S. erupted in outrage when Trump made his Loyalty Day proclamation. But as one pundit noted, “There’s no reason why we Americans shouldn’t be as loyal to our President as the Russians are to theirs.”

Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time someone in America has tried to create a Loyalty Day holiday. In 1955, at the height of the Red Scare, Congress passed a resolution designating May 1 of that year as Loyalty Day. The resolution was aimed at off-setting communist May Day rallies around the world.

“What’s different now is that Russia’s May Day and America’s May 1 Loyalty Day celebrations won’t be at odds,” Fieldling noted. “They’re perfectly aligned.”

Russian American pin

With U.S. and Russian billionaire leaders finally seeing eye to eye, these fashionable new solidarity pins will be perfect for your lapel next Loyalty Day.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Think Your Way Out of Poverty — Using Ben Carson Mind Tricks!   Leave a comment

BEn Carson

MIND OVER MATTER: Dr. Ben Carson, our new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, has advice for poor Americans.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — You can live like a king, even if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of —  by tricking your brain into thinking you’re rich!

“Poverty is just a state of mind, as Dr. Ben Carson recently said,” according to Revis Washington, author of the upcoming book, Think Yourself Rich. “A medieval peasant who had all the things a ‘poor’ American has today, like indoor plumbing, would feel that he was on top of the world. And imagine how a Neanderthal man would react to a simple potato chip sandwich or a cozy cardboard shelter. It’s all relative. The government doesn’t need anti-poverty programs. The mind is a far more powerful tool.”

A few easily learned mental tricks that Washington calls “mind jujitsu” are all you need to be wealthy inside your head.

“You’re essentially brainwashing yourself out of poverty,” the author explained.

Here, from the expert, are five great Jedi-like mind moves you can use to achieve instant mental wealth:

REINVENT YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE – When you are eating cold scrambled eggs and government cheese, close your eyes and visualize fine beluga caviar and gourmet brie.

REDEFINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS — A rat is only a “rat” if you choose to see it as one. In your mind, transform your scampering house guests into playful squirrels.

RECONCEPTUALIZE TRANSPORTATION — Don’t think “We’re living in our car.” Tell your brain that you and your five children are on a fun road trip through the south of France.

RETHINK FASHION — Pretend those ripped and threadbare clothes are the latest chic look in Europe. Picture a skeletal model sporting your duds on a runway in Milan.

REJECT MODERN MEDICINE — Instead of fretting about not being able to afford antibiotics for your family, imagine that you are trying to beef up your immune systems the natural way.

Poor folks 2

CHEER UP! Poor folks like this family snapped by photographer Mary Ellen Mark, can easily fix their plight with upbeat thoughts and a little imagination.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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God Strikes Man Dead — For Texting in Church!   Leave a comment

Lightning Strikes Oak TreeBy C. Michael Forsyth

GREENVILLE, SC. — Connor Prenkwood learned the hard way that texting in church is a sin, when a lightning bolt burst through the roof and incinerated him in his pew!

The preacher, who was midway through his sermon when the bizarre tragedy occurred, is convinced that God punished the 26-year-old computer programmer.

“This is the Lord’s house, you can’t show that kind of disrespect,” declared the Reverend Jim Towsled of Garden of Gethsemane Methodist Church. “I warned the young folks in the congregation to put those cellphones away, but Connor just ignored me. When that streak of lightning tore through the ceiling and made a beeline for him, I knew that was the wrath of the Almighty at work.”

Firefighters called to the scene found a pile of smoking ashes where Connor had been sitting. Oddly enough, there was only minor charring on the wooden pew and except for a fist-sized hole in the roof, the rest of the 80-year-old building was undamaged. Even more surprising, the victim’s Samsung Galaxy S7 was unscathed and is still operable.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 14 years on the job,” said baffled fireman Claude Artess. “The Galaxy S7 tends to catch fire even without being struck by lightning.”

ashes edited

VICTIM CONNOR Prenkwood was reduced to ashes by lightning strike.

Connor’s big sister Crystal says she dragged her brother to church that day, an act she now regrets.

“If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let him stay home gaming like he wanted,” she said. “During the service, I whispered to him that he ought to turn off his phone, but he was arguing with his girlfriend Trish and he kept saying he’d be done in a minute. Then he got mad because someone else started texting him.”

Intriguingly, Connor’s final text messages suggest he might have received a warning from a higher authority than the minister. The phone carrier has confirmed that the following was the last exchange.

CONNOR: No Trish YOU’RE lame!
TRISH: Whatever
UNKNOWN CALLER: Stop texting.
CONNOR: Who is this?
UNKNOWN CALLER: I am that I am.
CONNOR: Buzz off retard
UNKNOWN CALLER: I command thee to turn off thy phone.
CONNOR: Or what?

Galaxy

RARE case in which Galazy S7 cellphone is NOT responsible for a blaze.

This is far from the first case of a person being fried to a crisp by lightning in church. Experts say there have been at least 125 such tragedies in the U.S. alone, dating as far back as 1640, when accused witch Charity Dunforth was struck down just as she crossed the threshold of a Puritan church. In 1993, a Pentecostal minister in Alabama vehemently denied accusations of adultery, declaring from the pulpit “If I’m lying, may God strike me dead.” The ensuing lightning blast carried him 30 feet and he succumbed to cardiac arrest. Just last year, Scotty Rosier, 45, died from injuries sustained when he was struck by lightning at Heart of Worship Church in Pineville, La.

Church 2

South Carolina church suffered only minor damage.

Heartbroken Crystal, 31, admits her kid brother “wasn’t perfect,” but feels the Lord’s punishment was too harsh.

“It’s not like Connor was surfing for porn,” she said. “Isn’t the Almighty supposed to be a God of Love?”

But Bible scholar Elton Jeminson, who has written extensively about divine vengeance, wasn’t surprised to hear of the smiting.

“Let’s not forget, the God of the Old Testament was a real badass,” he observed. “No matter how fancy technology gets, the Lord will go old school in a heartbeat when he feels He’s been disrespected.”

God angry

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY: The Lord demands that worshippers give Him their undivided attention — or else.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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