Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

HOW TO BE A USEFUL IDIOT   1 comment

 

mr-bean

Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, is Britain’s favorite half-wit.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You don’t have to be some university egghead who discovers the next “God particle” to make a contribution to society. You can be just as useful as an idiot.

“From time immemorial, fools have played an important role in civilization,” points out sociologist Daniel K. Roelston. “In the Middle Ages, every community had a village idiot, who took townsfolks’ minds off of concerns such as the Black Plague. Kings had court jesters who eased the burden of absolute rule. Examples of this can be found as far back as ancient Egypt and in cultures as remote from the West as the Aztecs.”

Often dressed in colorful and outlandish garb, court fools could use mockery to point out flaws in a monarch’s plan, while advisors might face beheading for such criticism. They could also give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.

jester1“For instance, in 1340, when English ships destroyed the French fleet at the Battle of Sluys, admirals of the French King Phillippe VI didn’t have the nerve to tell him,” reveals Roelston. “But his jester clued in the king with the wisecrack that ‘English sailors don’t even have the guts to jump into the water like our brave French.’”

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was advised by a series of half-wits known as “holy fools” who appeared at court from the countryside in rags. Their “nonsensical” babbling contained warnings of discontent among the peasants.

“I’m sure you remember that class clown in high school whose antics made mean and boring teachers bearable, and kept you from worrying about the big chemistry test,” Roelston says. “Now today perhaps you’re not very educated or bright, but you can play the same role. You don’t have to be a useless idiot, you can be a useful one.”

Here are five ways you can be useful to those around you, even if you’re dumb as a bag of hammers:

 

1. DISTRACT – While the boss is announcing upsetting news such as a wage freeze, get your coworkers’ attention with a sight gag or good old-fashioned pratfall.

2. DUMB DOWN – When the neighborhood brainiac tries to show off at the barbecue by talking about some highfaluting book he read, making everyone feel stupid, put Mr. College in his place. Show how little you value book smarts with a line like, “Personally, I didn’t think The Divine Comedy was funny at all. I read 40 pages and only laughed twice.”

3. DEFUSE – If your pals at work are angry because they’re losing their dental coverage, calm them down with a one-liner such as “Well I’ve always wanted to look British!”

4. DISPUTE – If a neighbor starts spreading word that the street is about to be rezoned, freaking everyone out, insist idiotically that “The Twilight Zone doesn’t really exist.”

5. DEFLECT – If a manger criticizes your division for “not giving it your all,” jump in with a funny line like, “You didn’t say that when Cathy got drunk at the Christmas party.”

“Just remember the Five D’s and you can’t go wrong,” the sociologist says.

trump-mocks-4

Russian officials have reportedly called President Donald Trump their “useful idiot.”

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Hired Clappers Can Help You Succeed at Job and Home!   1 comment

 

 

audience-clapping

Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!

“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.

“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”

Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.

“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”

A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.

“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”

When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.

“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”

 

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Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

You Can Land a Job Cheering For Trump   Leave a comment

 

trump-press-conference-3

Cheering enthusiastically for our new president is an easy way to earn cash.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can rake in big bucks without lifting a finger, by landing a gig as a member of the presidential cheerleading squad! Cheering for the incoming president at press conferences – and booing reporters’ questions — not only renders an important service to our nation, it can be a lucrative and satisfying profession.

“Such cheerleading squads have been around as long as organized government,” says political science professor Peter K. Jortison. “For example, when the Roman emperor Nero acted on stage, he hired 5,000 men to applaud. In modern times, strongmen in many Third World countries, from Idi Amin to Manuel Noriega have used the approach.”

A group of people hired to applaud or heckle is known as a claque.

“It’s a French term that originated in the 19th century when professional applauders sat in the audience at Paris theaters and opera houses, paid to clap, laugh or even cry when appropriate,” reveals Jortison. “A member of a claque is called a claquer.”

At his January 11 press conference, President-Elect Donald Trump stocked the room with paid staffers ordered to enhance the session by cheering as he bashed reporters for asking him embarrassing questions. There will be work aplenty for such employees as long as the megabucks politician is in office, White House watchers predict. Although outsiders don’t know exactly how much those staffers earn, experts say that professional claquers typically make between $100 and $200 for a morning’s work – more than some Hollywood extras.

Political claquer was recently ranked one of the top five jobs in America, just behind mattress tester and brothel reviewer. Yet the job isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

“It’s like being a live-audience member at a sitcom who’s supposed to laugh at jokes whether they’re funny or not, but it’s far more demanding,” explains Jortison. “Besides laughing at the leader’s jokes you’ve got to be prepared to boo, blow raspberries, mumble in approval, yawn – whatever the situation demands. Obviously, you have to respond on cue. Cheering 15 seconds late will raise eyebrows and can distract the president.”

Landing a coveted spot on the president’s cheerleading squad isn’t easy. Patriotic Americans are lining up for the opportunity to serve the commander in chief when he takes office January 20.

“When you go to your audition, arrive early and be prepared,” advises a professional claquer. “Don’t have just one boo, have a variety to showcase your versatility. Show that you can understand hand signals and take direction. If a presidential advisor tells you to ‘snicker,’ don’t giggle.”

 

claquers

Professional applauders, known as claquers, have been around for centures.

 If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

18 Fun Activities For Muslims Hiding in Your Attic!   1 comment

twister

Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!

“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”

Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:

  1. Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
  2. Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
  3. Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
  4. Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
  5. Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
  6. Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
  7. Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.

    exercise-640x480

    A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.

  8. Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
  9. Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
  10. Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
  11. Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
  12. Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
  13. Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.

    ventriloquism

    Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.

  14. Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
  15. A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
  16. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
  17. Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
  18. Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”

    anne-frank

    We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Locker Room Banter   2 comments

 

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THE LOCKER ROOM is an ideal place to make friends and influence people, as Kevin Bacon demonstrates in the movie Footloose.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can reach the pinnacle of success in the corporate world in no time flat, by mastering the art of locker room banter!

When you play a round of golf with the CEO at his country club or enjoy racquetball with peers at the gym, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose. What’s important is proving how manly you are through raunchy chit-chat, a top management expert reveals.

“Locker room chats are not just for high school jocks or fraternity brothers,” declares Horace Nevelsmith, author of the upcoming book, Effective Locker Room Banter. “Remember, the changing area is a place where your boss and colleagues size you up. This is an opportunity to show them that you’re a team player, a man’s man who can be trusted in a crisis — not some namby pamby, politically correct Boy Scout who will sing like a canary the first time your firm is investigated by the SEC, or recount in court every pinch he’s seen when some secretary decides to sue for sexual harassment.

“Building your skills in locker room banter is vital to success in the business world.”

Here, from the expert, are 10 essential do’s and don’ts:

DO pepper the conversation with rib-tickling slang terms for the male reproductive organ, for example “trouser trout” or “beaver cleaver.” Avoid using the same term twice, and feel free to consult a thesaurus.

DON’T joke about the dimensions of a locker room companion’s “equipment” – no matter how miniscule. Your boss may not be as amused as you imagine by a zinger such as “You could really have used a 9-iron, JB. Too bad you only have a 5-iron.”

DO compliment a manager on the shapeliness of his daughter. Powerful men see it as a confirmation of their virility that they’ve sired a desirable offspring.

DON’T use polite euphemisms for sex. A phrase such as “I certainly would like to sleep with Becky in accounting,” is unlikely to win the admiration of your shower mates. “Bang” would be a better choice.

DO specify the body part that attracts you to a particular female co-worker or client. Instead of a bland statement like, “That redhead in Accounts Receivable has a really nice figure,” deliver a more colorful alternative such as, “That redhead in Accounts Receivable has a rump that begs for dorsal sex.”

DON’T make off-color jokes about a particular ethnicity or handicap before you’re sure of each locker room companion’s background and have met his relatives. Notes Nevelsmith, “Not everyone has a name that ‘sounds Jewish,’ and these days you don’t know who might be married to an Asian or even have a black grandchild.”

DO engage in robust and mildly homoerotic horseplay such as snapping your towel on the nearest butt. It’s a great way to build comradery.

DON’T talk about how much you’d like to play “hide the salami” with the wife of a colleague who’s in the locker room. Feel free, of course, to spell out exactly what you’d like to do with the spouse of someone who’s not present.

DO compliment your employer on his physique — even if his paunch just keep getting bigger every month. “Praise such as ‘Wow, I see you’ve really been working out,’ is an old reliable,” suggests Nevelsmith. “Just make sure the remark doesn’t sound too gay, unless your boss is gay.”

DON’T repeat locker room banter, ever. What’s said in the locker room, stays in the locker room.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If this made you chuckle, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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SNAPPY COMEBACKS TO STUPID MICROAGGRESSIONS   3 comments

microaggression-2

COLLEGE students have been posting microaggressions that offend them online.

By C. Michael Forsyth

College students and office workers get hit with irritating microaggressions every day. But they can put the boneheads who utter them in their place by using the snappy comebacks in this article.

Microaggressions are minor insults, usually spoken by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.

Many colleges and businesses are so concerned about the problem that they hand out lists of microaggressions to students and employees. But there’s been a lot of pushback against the trend, principally from conservatives who grumble that it’s “political correctness run amok.” I think what actually irks people is the pseudoscientific term microaggression. If you just said, “dumbass comments made by people who just don’t know any better,” there wouldn’t be much debate. Hell, who hasn’t unwittingly said something that made the listener steaming mad for the rest of the day? Just ask any husband!

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Many well-educated black people get asked this boneheaded question.

 

For example, a work friend thought he was paying the highest imaginable compliment when he told me, “Mike, you’re the least black person I know.” My comeback: “Thanks, Alan. You totally don’t seem Jewish to me at all.” But I, too, have put my foot in my mouth and been on the receiving end of a cutting reply. I once asked my gay niece, “So you and your girlfriend… who’s the man in the relationship?” Her comeback: “There IS no man in the relationship. That’s the point.” Ouch!

With the help of my boyhood chum Jordan Auslander, one of the wittiest guys I know, I’ve put together this handy list of 27 common microaggressions and snappy comebacks you can use:

“You’re so exotic!”
YOU MEAN LIKE KURU DISEASE?

(To a gay woman) “Have you ever had REAL sex?”
DOES YOUR MOTHER COUNT?

“No, I mean where are you REALLY from?”
MARS, BUT SHH! IT’S A SECRET. MY PEOPLE ARE EVALUATING YOUR PLANET TO SEE IF YOU’RE WORTH SPARING.

“Can I touch your hair?”
MY ARMPIT HAIR OR MY PUBIC HAIR?

“You know, I bet I could turn you straight!”
I BET IF I TURNED STRAIGHT AND YOU FUCKED ME, I’D TURN GAY AGAIN!

“So, how do Muslims feel about this situation?”
SORRY, MY TERM AS OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN FOR ALL MUSLIMS EXPIRED LAST WEEK.

“How come you don’t speak Spanish?”
I’M SECOND GENERATION. SAME REASON YOU DON’T SPEAK TROLL.

“How could I be anti-Semitic? I grew up around a lot of Jews.”
SO DID HITLER.

“How come you sound so white?”
MY SLAVE MASTER TAUGHT ME.

(To an Asian) “Can you see as much as white people?”
WELL, TEST ME. DO YOU HAVE YELLOW STAINS ON YOUR TEETH AND SIX GRAY NOSTRIL HAIRS?

(To a butch-looking gay woman) “Do you ever get mistaken for a man?”
NO, DO YOU? *

“Do you think maybe this gay thing is a phase?”
YES, PROBABLY. BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, STUPID LASTS FOREVER.

“Hey, your English is quite good!”
SO IS YOUR HUMAN.

(To an Asian) “Sir, can you help me with this math problem?”
OH, OH! IT’S NOT THAT COUNTING STUFF IS IT?

(To an Asian) “You ‘re actually driving quite well.”
OH, THAT’S NOTHING. WATCH ME DO IT WITH MY EYES CLOSED!

“You’re very attractive for a dark-skinned girl.”
AND YOU’RE VERY INTELLIGENT FOR A CRETIN.

“You are so articulate!”
NOT USUALLY, BUT I HAVE TO BE TO GET THROUGH TO YOU.”

“You know, for a transgender girl, you look don’t look bad.”
THANKS, I THINK YOU COULD PASS TOO.

“Say, what ARE you, anyway?”
JUST TIRED, THAT’S ALL – OF DUMBASS QUESTIONS.

“Excuse me miss, were you born male?”
I WAS BORN WITHOUT MANNERS, BUT I LEARNED THEM.

“When I look at you, I don’t see color.”
YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET THAT CHECKED.

“Would like to play Dora the Explorer in the school play?”
NO, I’D LIKE TO PLAY SCARFACE AND INTRODUCE YOU TO “MY LEETLE FRIEND.”

“I’m not racist. I have a black friend.”
LET ME GUESS: BEN CARSON.

“You don’t lisp or anything. You do a good job of hiding that you’re gay.”
SO DO YOU.

“You’re very pretty for a transgender woman.”
AND YOU’RE NOT UGLY FOR AN OGRE.

“I hear that Asian women are more passive than Western women.”
FUCK YOU! IS THAT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH?

“Hey, can you also talk like a regular black person?
SURE I CAN. LISTEN CLOSELY: Yebo ngiyakwazi ukukhuluma like umuntu omnyama ejwayelekile, isilima. Kukhona izindlela ezehlukene ezingamakhulu umuntu omnyama kungaba ukukhuluma. Abanye abantu abamnyama ukuxoxa entshonalanga nanendlela indian, abanye abantu bekhuluma nge accent i-Afrika. Abanye abantu bakhulume njengabantu cockney like Idris Elba, owakhuliswa eNgilandi. Umuntu ababefunde bagogoda like Angela Bassett, ababeyile Yale, ngokwemvelo likhuluma kahle-kunawe. Ngenxa nje yokuthi umuntu omnyama okhuluma isiNgisi efanele akusho ezingaphansi evumelana black. Ngale kwalokho, lokho kwakuyosho Malcom X awuzange evumelana black. Just kungaze uke wambona movie Tyler Perry asipheli ube igunya phezu oNsundu waseMelika amaphethini inkulumo, isilima. Lwesigodi ungase ucabange njengoba real inkulumo elimnyama owehla endleleni okhuluma crackers oseningizimu bafundisa abantu bami uma abenziwe izigqila ngabaseGibithe kithi. Ngakho Ngithemba ngeke abe nandaba uma mina ungayisebenzisi.**

** Roughly translated from Zulu: “Of course I can speak like a ‘regular’ black person, half-wit. There are hundreds of different ways a black person can talk. Some black people talk with a West Indian accent, some people speak with the accent of an African country. Some people speak with a cockney accent like Idris Elba, who was raised in England. A highly educated person like Angela Bassett, who went to Yale, naturally speaks more properly than you. Just because a black person speaks proper English doesn’t mean they are less than authentically black. Otherwise that would mean Malcom X wasn’t authentically black. Just because you might have seen a Tyler Perry movie doesn’t make you an authority on African-American speech patterns, idiot. The dialect you may think of as ‘real’ black speech descends from the way of speaking southern crackers taught my people when they enslaved us. So I hope you won’t mind if I don’t use it.”

* Courtesy of Aliens.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If this made you laugh, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

PUTIN ROUNDING UP CHERNOBYL MUTANTS   Leave a comment

Mutant Rebecca

With an elite corps of mutants like Mystique of the X-Men, Russian leader Putin could rule the world.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!

Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.

“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”

Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.

“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities.
“We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”

Mutant Deer

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: Six-legged deer is one of many animal mutants spawned by radioactive fallout from Chernobyl.

 

The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.

Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.

“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”

Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.

Mutant Boy

TRAGIC:  This boy’s mom was exposed to Chernobyl radiation, resulting in a harmful genetic mutation.

 

“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.

“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”

However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on

“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”

 

Mutant Putin better

RUTHLESS Russian ruler Vladimir Putin is bent on world domination — and may be out of his mind, U.S. intelligence officials fear.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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DNA Scientists Create First Human-Vampire Bat Hybrid   4 comments

VAMPIRE bat has a face only a human mother could love. (Photo taken by David Milbourne).

VAMPIRE bat has a face only a human mother could love. (Photo taken by David Milbourne).

By C. Michael Forsyth

Bravo! In a giant leap forward for mankind, DNA scientists have successfully spliced together human genes with those from a vampire bat – creating an amazing new hybrid that some are calling the world’s first real-life vampire!

The tiny embryo, still only four weeks old, would — if allowed to come to full term — have physical traits of both homo sapiens and Desmodus rotundus, a species of vampire bat common in Mexico and South America.

“We do not of course know exactly what it would look like,” says Dr. Hans Lichtstein, head of the team of Austrian scientists. “Most likely a human torso and head, along with bat-like features such as an upturned snout and pointed ears. It will probably have leathery wings but it is unlikely it will be able to fly due to the density of its bones. Theoretically, it would drink milk in infancy and later acquire a taste for blood, the dietary trait known as hematophagy.”

The controversial project was hush-hush until news leaked to the press last week. Dazzled science writers now agree it is the most remarkable use of genetic engineering since the creation of the goat-spider hybrid by University of Wyoming eggheads in 2010.

Scientists have not yet announced whether they will destroy the embryo — which was created for research purposes — freeze their bizarre brainchild for further use, or implant it in a volunteer in the hope that it can be brought to term.

“It would certainly make a splendid entry in the annual Frankenstein Awards,” notes Dr. Lichstein, referring to the exciting competition held each October 31 in which DNA wizards unveil their latest gee-wiz creations. But the researcher hastens to add that the project is far from just fun and games.

“Work in this area of science will hopefully one day lead to the elimination of hereditary conditions such as Tays-Sachs disease, and perhaps in time, result in humans with superior intelligence and longevity.”

MIRACLE or menace? Critters like this one in the movie “Daybreakers” may soon be a common sight.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

More about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Read Hour of the Beast.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

DRACULA’S GAY SHAME: Historian Finds Skeleton in Vlad’s Closet.   Leave a comment

HERO or HOMOPHOBE? Prince Vlad, AKA Dracula, had mixed record on human rights.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Vlad the Impaler, better known as Dracula, took a shameful secret to his grave. He murdered his own kid brother because he was gay!

“Contrary to popular belief, the real-life Dracula was not a vampire,” reveals Romanian historian Eugen Croitoru. “Quite the opposite, the 15th century warlord was one of history’s most prolific vampire slayers — impaling as many as 100,000 of the undead on wooden stakes during his reign.

“His younger brother Radu WAS, however a vampire, and Vlad drove a stake through his heart with his own hands. Not because Radu drank blood — but rather because he was a homosexual.”

GENTLE Radu the Handsome was easily seduced into vampirism.

Prince Vlad III of Wallachia, upon whom author Bram Stoker based the aristocratic bloodsucker of his novel Dracula, is regarded as a national hero by Romanian historians.

That’s because he singlehandedly repelled the Ottoman Empire’s invasion of their homeland and thus prevented the Muslim Turks from overrunning Europe. The fact that the invading Turkish army was infested with vampires is left out of most accounts.

“Just as Australian historians play down the country’s origins as a penal colony, most Romanian historians are embarrassed to talk about vampirism,” explains Croitoru. “But trying to keep vampires out of the Vlad story is like trying to tell the story of Native Americans without bringing up buffaloes.”

Prince Vlad is a national hero in Romania.

Vlad III was born in Transylvania, a region adjacent to Wallachia in what is now Romania, in 1431. His moniker Dracula meant “son of the Dragon.” While he had two older half-brothers, he was closest to his sweet and gentle kid brother, aptly named Radu the Handsome.

“Vlad and Radu were inseparable,” recounts Croitoru. “They spent their early years playing ‘soldier’ and other games together in their mother’s home. But when the boys were in their early teens, their father agreed to send them as hostages to the Ottoman court, to keep peace with the Sultan.”

The Sultan had promised the young princes would not be harmed, but soon after they arrived, he demanded that they renounce their Christian faith and drink vampire blood.

“Vlad defiantly refused. He was tossed in an underground dungeon where he was whipped and beaten daily,” says Croitoru. “But, despite years of torture, he never cracked.

“His softer, younger brother Radu didn’t have the strength to resist. He eventually knuckled under and converted to Islam. He also allowed himself to be bitten and to drink the blood of the Sultan’s son Mehmed II, who, according to the historical record, was a vampire.

“Vlad was horrified and heartbroken when guards gleefully told him that his brother had not only become a Muslim but a vampire as well.

“But if he had known the full story, he would have been even more mortified. Mehmed was gay, and Radu’s pretty face and pale skin caught his eye. He seduced Radu, converting him into a homosexual too.”

Vlad managed to get free, but Radu — now a full-fledged vampire — chose to remain behind. He became a member of the Ottoman court and a fawning minion of his vampire “sire” Mehmed II. When Mehmed’s father died and he was crowned the new Sultan, he put his sweetheart Radu in charge of a battalion made up largely of fearsome undead troops.

After Vlad’s father and his older brothers were killed by the enemy, Vlad inherited the throne of Wallachia and took a bride — only to learn that the Mehmed II had dispatched Radu and his unholy army of darkness to destroy him.

“Radu did his master’s bidding without mercy,” says Croitoru. “When Vlad was away fighting, Radu’s battalion besieged his castle. Vlad’s wife learned that she was to about be taken prisoner and forcibly vampirized.

“She bravely hurled herself from the tower into the Argeș River, declaring that she would rather ‘rot and be eaten by the fish’ than join the ranks of the undead. When Vlad later learned his own brother was responsible, he was devastated — yet knew that as a victim of vampirism himself, Radu was not truly to blame.”

GAY vampire Sultan Mehmed II aimed to conquer Eastern Europe.

With immensely strong and hard-to-kill vampires now making up an estimated one-third of his forces, Mehmed II became unstoppable. After capturing Constantinople in 1453, his armies marched through the Balkans, killing or converting all those who stood in his way. His goal was to drive out Christianity and turn all of Europe into a bastion of evil.

But Vlad had other ideas.

“He transformed Wallachia’s joke of an army into a formidable fighting force, and created a militia of peasants to fend off the invaders,” says Croitoru. “Though vastly outnumbered, he mounted a fierce guerilla campaign against the Turks.”

The Sultan dispatched an army 12,000 men strong to conquer Wallachia, led by a high-ranking vampire lord named Hamza Pasha.

“When the troops were marching through a narrow pass north of Giurgiu, Vlad staged an ambush. The Wallachians showed no mercy. The vampires were all caught and impaled on wooden stakes, with their general Hamza Pasha impaled on the highest stake as a message to the Sultan.”

VAMPIRE SLAYER Vlad the Impaler earns his nickname as he oversees the mass execution of hundreds of captured Turkish blood drinkers.

Vlad went on the offensive, annihilating enemy troops from Serbia to the Black Sea. He constantly organized small surprise attacks on the Turks, using bold tricks not unlike those later employed by America’s Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox.

“Disguising themselves in the traditional garb of Turkish vampire warriors, he and his men infiltrated enemy encampments and used stakes to dispatch scores of Turks at a time,” the historian says.

“He even struck at night — an unprecedented strategy when facing this kind of enemy. With the element of surprise on his side, the famous Night Attack succeeded. He was able slaughter hundreds of vampires before they could even draw their weapons.”

THE EVIL EMPIRE: Turkish invasion swept over Eastern Europe, bringing with it the scourge of vampirism.

Furious, in the spring of 1462, the Sultan raised an army of 90,000 troops and personally led them toward Wallachia.

“When the Sultan and his troops crossed the Danube, they found the bank lined with the corpses of 20,000 vampires impaled on 14-foot-stakes. They were so horrified that they turned tail in terror and returned to Constantinople,” says Croitoru.

“Basically, their reaction was, ‘Yes, we know these are the bloody Middle Ages, but this mother f_____ is crazy!’ ”

Enraged at being thwarted and humiliated by Vlad time after time, the Sultan gave Radu a huge army with marching orders to take down his brother once and for all. After a grueling battle, Radu and his better-equipped forces finally captured Poenari Castle, Vlad’s famed mountain lair. The Sultan appointed his loyal boytoy Radu the Handsome the new ruler of Wallachia. And the deposed Vlad soon found himself imprisoned in a dungeon — again.

“For more than a decade, Vlad languished in a prison cell as a steady stream of henchmen (and lovely henchwomen) sent by his brother tried — again — to convert the stubborn prince to vampirism,” says Croitoru. “Sometimes he would be left in a cell for weeks at a time with no food and only a tempting goblet of blood on his table. But always the strong-willed Vlad resisted.

“Finally, one stormy night in 1475, Radu arranged to meet his brother in secret face to face, hoping to convince him that joining him on the dark side was his only hope.”

Although 40 years old by this time, Radu still looked like a handsome lad in his teens, his skin smooth and his “lips as full as any woman’s” in the words of a Hungarian account dug up by the researcher in 2009.

“Vlad bitterly demanded to know why his beloved brother could have abandoned the Christian faith and taken up arms against his own people,” says Croitoru. “Hoping for understanding, Radu confessed that he had acted out of love for Mehmed II and that they were lovers.

“Vlad was infuriated. He could forgive his brother for becoming a Muslim and a vampire, yes, for killing his wife, yes, and for usurping his throne, yes — but not for submitting sexually to another man. To a deeply religious Orthodox Christian like Vlad, such an act was an abominable sin.”

Although he was unarmed at the sit-down, Vlad picked up a heavy wooden chair and smashed it over Radu’s head. Then, consumed with rage, he took a broken chair leg and rammed the sharp tip through his brother’s heart.

With his brother dead, Vlad retook the throne of Wallachia on November 26, 1476. His hatred and loathing of the enemy that had turned his kid brother into a gay vampire now drove him to the brink of insanity.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. Vlad’s “enhanced” impaling technique was a real pain in the keister.

“Instead of traditional chest-staking, captured undead soldiers were now lowered naked onto a huge stake described as ‘thick as a burly man’s arm,’ and deliberately dull at the tip so that death would come slowly,” Croitoru explains.

“The vampire’s weight would cause the victim to slowly sink onto the immense stake as it entered the anus, ripped its way inch by inch through the organs until, mercifully, it penetrated the vampire’s heart.

“It was a very undignified and excruciating death — which was exactly what Vlad intended. He was sending a message to Sultan Mehmed II, the man who had both vampirized his younger brother and introduced him to sodomy.”

Vlad’s relentless, take-no-prisoners campaign worked like a charm. Mehmed II eventually withdrew from the Balkans, his dreams of glory and world domination crushed. His existence remains today only an interesting historical footnote.

Sadly, Vlad lived for only another year before he died, a grief and guilt-ridden man who never got over the fate of the young brother he once so loved.

“Prince Vlad is rightly remembered as a valiant patriot and one of history’s greatest vampire killers,” observes the historian. “But for the sake of historical accuracy, he must also be remembered as one of history’s greatest homophobes.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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