Archive for the ‘humor’ Tag
NEW HOPE FOR THE DEAD: Researchers may have solved riddle of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome.
ATLANTA — Researchers report that they are tantalizingly close to developing a treatment for zombism that could halt the widening epidemic.
“We are cautiously optimistic,” said microbiologist Dr. Emily Urthway, an infectious disease specialist. “We’re keeping our fingers crossed that we’re finally on the right track.”
The breakthrough follows the recent discovery that a parasitic fungus that turns ants into zombies is it itself vulnerable to a white fungus that destroys it. Experts believe this newly found “hyperparastic” fungus can be honed into a weapon against the parasite that causes cannibalistic zombism in humans.
“We’ve known since the 1990s that the fungus ophiocordyceps which hijacks the brains of carpenter ants is genetically quite similar to the organism responsible for human zombism, known medically as Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome,” explains Dr. Urthway.
“We believe that by culturing in the lab mass quantities of the hyperparasite that feeds on ophiocordyceps we can deal a death blow to the zombie epidemic. Our preliminary results are very encouraging.”
MAY one of God’s tiniest creatures hold the clue to a cure? A fungus zombifies ants, feeds on their brains and grows right out of their heads.
The ant research, based on examinations of the remains of 432 zombie ants in the rain forests of Brazil, was conducted by an international team of scientists, including top experts from Penn State and the University of Copenhagen, and was published in the respected journal PLoS One.
When an ant is infected by spores from the fungus, the organism swiftly takes control of the insect’s brain. The ant is compelled to leave the safety of its nest, climb a tree, latch onto a leaf and stay there, serving as little more than a fungus factory. Eventually its head splits open and spores rain down on unsuspecting ants below, spreading the zombie plague.
SCENES like this one, from TV’s “The Walking Dead” may soon be a thing of the past.
“Zombism in humans progresses in a remarkably similar fashion,” according to Dr. Urthway. “The fungus makes a beeline for the cerebral cortex, our center for information processing, decision-making and consciousness, and literally commandeers it.
“The organism feeds on gray matter and within a matter of days rational thought becomes impossible. Brain damage also leads to the classic ‘shambling’ gait associated with the disease.”
Brain funtion may be so impaired that sufferers fall into a catatonic state resembling death and don’t awaken until the foreign organism has seized control. Most sinister of all, the crafty fungus compels hapless victims to bite fellow humans, thus spreading the contagion.
SUFFERERS of zombism may experience headaches as fungus seizes control of their brains.
The first known case of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome in the United States occurred in the early 1950s, when a woman who had “died” after complaints of a splitting headache sat up in a hospital morgue and lurched toward befuddled staffers. A minor outbreak in 1964 outside Pittsburgh is said to have inspired budding filmmaker George Romero, creator of “Night of the Living Dead.” The director also says he was influenced by Richard Matheson’s creepy horror novel I am Legend.
REAL LIFE outbreak in early ’60s influenced “Night of the Living Dead” and this remake.
Over the years, many conspiracy theorists have suggested that the “zombie bug” was engineered in a lab, perhaps by Nazi scientists bent on creating death-resistant super-soldiers. Others insist the Soviets were the culprits, or that the U.S. itself developed the organism as a germ warfare weapon to spread chaos in enemy cities and that it escaped from a secret lab. But most experts believe the organism is simply a naturally occurring mutation of ophiocordyceps.
RACING AGAINST TIME: Scientists take every precaution while studying highly infectious fungus believed to be responsible for zombism.
Fungi are notoriously difficult to eradicate, especially from the brain, and past efforts to cure zombified humans or formulate a vaccine have failed. Infection rates have reached alarming new levels since 2013.
Following a rash of high-profile reports of zombie-like attacks across the nations, the Centers for Disease Control issued a statement recently assuring the public that there is no need to panic.
“Trust me, whenever we issue a statement that there’s no need to panic, it IS time to panic,” admitted a CDC source. “We’re getting perilously close to a ‘tipping point’ with this epidemic. The hyperparasite approach sounds promising. Let’s all hope there’s still time to beat this thing.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Zombies aren’t the only menace facing mankind. The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel about werewolves. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
HEROIC lady werewolf was motivated by maternal instinct, experts believe — unlike the dangerous creature in this movie scene.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BANSKÁ ŠTIAVNICA, Hungary — A female werewolf is being hailed as a hero after saving two boys trapped in a mine!
Edvard Ferenc and Nikola Szavo, both age 10, were “within hours” of suffocating when the shaggy she-beast led rescuers to the site, local law enforcement authorities confirm.
“People may call this creature a monster, but my family will always be grateful to the wolf woman who saved my beloved little Nikola’s life,” tearful mom Mrs. Maria Szabo told TV reporters. “Whoever she is, I just want to say, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you!’”
The touching drama unfolded on Saturday, February 4, when the two fourth graders were exploring the abandoned silver mine at the foot of the Štiavnica Mountains. Ignoring a warning sign, they wandered down a tunnel and became trapped by a cave-in. Their parents reported the boys missing the next morning. But because the youngsters had claimed they were going fishing in a stream on the other side of town, searchers came nowhere near the old mine.
At about 11:20 p.m., Constable Iszak Hajdu, 46, was manning the front desk of the police station when what he describes as a “ferocious-looking beast walking upright on two legs” and covered head to toe in fur trotted in, foam drooling from its enormous fangs. Following procedure, he hurried to the gun cabinet and retrieved a rifle loaded with silver bullets. A law on the books since 1874 requires every Hungarian police station to maintain a firearm loaded with silver in case of just such an eventuality.
“As I raised the gun, I couldn’t help noticing that the beast had what appeared to be large, pendulous breasts,” he told reporters. “I hesitated to shoot a woman, even in animal form.
“She was whimpering and kept waving her paw as if she wanted me to follow her. I said, ‘What’s the matter, girl? Is someone in trouble?’ ”
Acting on gut instinct, the lawman warily followed the creature, flashlight in hand. It led him four miles through a winding wooded trail to the mountain. There, just feet from the mine entrance, he found a backpack belonging to one of the missing boys. Venturing inside, he saw signs of a recent collapse.
“I heard voices calling faintly from below, ‘Help!’ ” the constable recalled. “When I realized the werewolf had brought me here to save children trapped down in the mine, I was overcome with emotion. I turned to thank her, but she had scampered off into the woods.”
RELIEVED Hungarian rescue crew celebrates after pulling boys safely from mine.
A rescue operation was launched and just six and half hours later Nikola and Edvard were freed from a cavity 30 feet down.
“The boys were in a small air pocket barely five feet across,” revealed rescue coordinator Agoston Kulscar.“If we had found them a day later, they would definitely have suffocated.”
The identity of the werewolf remains unknown and attempts to follow its tracks were unsuccessful. A police investigation turned up several reports of sightings of a “mystery animal” in the vicinity.
Lycanthropy experts says such altruistic behavior on the part of a werewolf is rare, but not unheard of.
“The maternal instinct is one of the most powerful of all emotions and originates in the deepest and most primitive part of the brain,” explains Dr. Larry T. Welkerson, author of Werewolves, Shapeshifters and Theriomorphs. “For a woman to have concern for an endangered child, even when she is in wolf form, is not altogether surprising.”
FAMED TV pooch Lassie isn’t the only canine that helps people in trouble.
Speaking of werewolves, the author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE!
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
HOLY BOOKSHELF of Nazareth is nearly 2,000 years old, experts say.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CANTERBURY, England — Missing for 800 years, a bookshelf built by Jesus Christ in His father’s carpentry shop has resurfaced in an elderly English woman’s home!
The Holy Bookshelf of Nazareth has been authenticated by a leading expert, who used radiocarbon dating to confirm that it was built approximately 2,000 years ago.
“The cedar from which the shelves are made is genetically identical to trees in a grove less than half a mile outside the ancient town of Nazareth,” says Dr. Lionel Getting. “Hebrew lettering engraved on a small plaque on the back indicates that it was made by ‘Joseph and Sons,’ believed to be the name of the shop owned by Our Lord’s earthly father.
“There is no doubt in my mind that this is indeed the genuine article.”
JESUS was a competent carpenter.
The bookshelf is considered one of the most sacred pieces of furniture in Christendom, second only to the Holy End Tables of Antioch, which are said to be hewn from the cross on which Jesus was crucified, and which are now housed in the Vatican.
According to legend, the bookcase was spirited out of the Holy Land after Crusaders sacked Constantinople in 1204 A.D. It resurfaced last December in the basement of Mrs. Helen Goldbolt of Canterbury, who was using it to store jars of preserves and odds and ends.
“It had been in our family for many generations,” she told a newspaper. “I had no idea it might be valuable until a plumber working in the basement saw it and suggested I have it appraised.”
The appraiser immediately recognized the object’s antiquity and contacted Dr. Getting, a university expert who was struck by its resemblance to medieval drawings of the shelves. Thrilled, he promptly launched an investigation.
“When I realized what it was, I was dumbstruck,” Dr. Getting remembers.
Despite its incredible age, the bookshelf is in extraordinary condition, having miraculously survived through the eons when most wooden furniture made at the time has long since fallen apart. What’s more, it appears to have strange paranormal properties. Mrs. Goldbolt claims that food placed on the shelves never decays.
“Once I accidentally left a carton of milk on the top shelf,” the 78-year-old widow recalls. “Three months later it wasn’t spoiled.”
Profane objects don’t fare as well.
“The bookshelf was in my son’s bedroom when he was in his teens and he stored his collection of girlie magazines on the bottom shelf,” Mrs. Goldbolt says. “One day they burst into flames. They were reduced to ashes, but the shelves weren’t even singed.”
AT AN EARLY AGE, Jesus learned the trade of carpentry from His earthly father Joseph.
The nails used in the shelves’ construction match those employed by Hebrew carpenters in the 1st Century A.D. and recovered from archaeological digs. However, astonishingly, there is no sign of rust.
How the bookshelf survived two millennia is especially baffling because there is nothing out of the ordinary in how it is put together.
“Though by no means shoddily constructed, the Holy Bookshelf was made with no frills. For example only the minimal possible number of nails were used to adhere the vertical back cleats,” the expert notes. “This is entirely consistent with the Bible, which suggests that while Jesus was a smashing success as the Savior of mankind, He was a mediocre carpenter. Unlike His younger brother James, He had little interest in following His earthly father’s footsteps in the family business.
“As we now know, He had bigger fish to fry.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
ANOTHER satisfied customer. Hour of the Beast sold like hotcakes at the Mad Monster Party.
Had a great time as a vendor hawking my horror novel Hour of the Beast at the Mad Monster Party convention in Charlotte, N.C. the weekend of March 23rd. I scared the pants off guest Traci Lords, the famed former porn princess. Oops, bad choice of words. What I mean is that when she took a gander at the werewolf hand in a jar I keep as a prop on my table, she leapt back in horror and almost shrieked. BTW, she looks fantastic – you’d swear she was 25.
NAKED FEAR: Former under age porn star Traci Lords has appeared in dozens of mainstream films including “Not of this Earth” and “Blade.”
I saw two awesome screenings. One was the pilot for a TV show called “Ghost Trek.” A hilarious faux reality show, it’s like “Reno 911” with ghost hunters. The other is an indie film titled “Nail Biter.” One of the best horror films I’ve seen in years, putting most big studio fare to shame. Look for my review in my next post.
A highlight was getting to meet one of my favorite actors of all time, the great Chris Sarandon – a star who was a better vampire than Christopher Lee and a better Jesus than Max von Sydow! If you only know Sarandon from the original “Fright Night” you know how charismatic he is – managing to be sexier in the role of bloodsucker Jerry Dandridge than hunk Colin Farrell was in the remake. But check him out in other roles, from Al Pacino’s transsexual mate in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a macho cop in “Child’s Play” – and you’ll have a sense of his range. His acting choices are fascinating. There’s a scene in “The Day Christ Died” when Jesus is slapped, illustrating the turn the other cheek lesson. Chris, as Jesus, slowly turns the other cheek – AFTER he looks like he wants to slug the other guy. A Jesus who’s truly human and for once, a Jesus who’s actually interesting.
C. Michael Forsyth with screen legend Chris Sarandon. When my kids see “Fright Night” I can reassure them “Hey, look, he’s not scary, he’s a friend of Dad.” If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell them, “Look how much bigger Dad is than the vampire. Don’t you think he could kick his butt?”
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
IF you wind up in Hell, you won’t see scenes like this anymore
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Terror lurks in the woods in this short video on the website for Hour of the Beast.
To see the book trailer for C. Michael Forsyth’s heart-stopping novel Hour of the Beast or hear Chapter One read by the author, click HERE.
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