Demon Possessed by 15-Year-Old Girl   Leave a comment

 

Demon possessed

THE DEMON Orsinox normally speaks in a deep, masculine voice and resembles this terrifying image found on Feelgraphix wallpaper.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!

For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”

“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”

The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.

“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”

At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.

“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”

Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.

The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”

Linda Blair

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!

For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”

Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.

After months of investigation, paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven.

Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.

“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Posted May 13, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE: 7 LIFESAVING TIPS.   Leave a comment

SMART MOVE: Taking refuge in the basement of a haunted house could save your life, expert says.

SMART MOVE: Taking refuge in the basement of a haunted house could save your life.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EDISON, N.J. –If you find yourself trapped in a haunted house with a malevolent ghost, head straight to the basement. That’s the surprising advice of a top expert in the supernatural!

“It sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of behaviors that seem stupid in a horror movie turn out to be highly successful survival strategies in the real world,” reveals Dr. Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.

“Disembodied souls generally frequent the areas of a house where they spent the most time while alive – for example the master bedroom or the kitchen. People spend hardly any time in their basement. That’s why it’s the place you’re least likely to encounter a ghost. If your haunted house doesn’t have a cellar, take refuge in the attic during a crisis.”

Here are six other vital tips from the researcher:

• ALWAYS SPLIT UP – “A ghost possesses only a finite amount of psychic energy,” Dr. Greavesby points out. “If it tries to attack five different people in five different rooms, that energy is divided and the ghost is weakened.”

SPLITTING up didn't work out so well for the characters in

SPLITTING up didn’t work out so well for the characters in “Scary Movie 2,” but in real life the strategy works.

• USE A FLICKERING FLASHLIGHT – A flashlight with a loose connection or dying batteries can save your hide. “Contrary to common belief, ghosts can’t see in the dark any better than the living can,” reveals the expert. “Indeed, you have the advantage since once the room is pitch black, you can feel your way out. Because a ghost’s hand will pass through solid objects, he or she can’t do that.”

FLASHLIGHT that doesn't work gives you an advantage over ghosts.

FLASHLIGHT that doesn’t work gives you an advantage over ghosts.

• DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT’S HAUNTED – Packing your bags and fleeing with your family at the first sign of trouble is useless and potentially dangerous. “An evil spirit often follows a victim from one house to the next and may be angered that you’ve ‘abandoned’ it,” the expert explains.

CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.

CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.

 

WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.

WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.

• REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS — Ignore the warnings of old caretakers, ominous sounds, objects that move inexplicably, dolls whose heads turn in your direction and your children’s reports of having seen dead people. “Ghosts feed on fear – it’s the primary source of their energy,” says Greavesby. “Showing no fear causes that energy to dissipate. If you appear oblivious to the presence of a ghost after two months of rigorous haunting, it will grow frustrated and weary and cease its efforts to harass you.”

WE ain't afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray wasn't afraid to poke fun at spirits in

WE ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray poked fun at spirits in “Ghostbusters.”

• TAUNT THE SPIRIT – “You have to show the ghost who’s boss as soon as you move in,” explains the expert. “It’s like dealing with a bad dog. Establish early on who’s the alpha, the dominant one in the situation, and nine times out of ten it will back down.” Laughter is a potent weapon, he adds. “Mockery and insults such as classic ‘Yo mama’ jokes can quickly rob a ghost of its ‘mojo’. Curse words can be very effective, especially against spirits who lived in the 19th century and are unaccustomed to foul language.”

 

 

• HANDLE CURSED OBJECTS — Don’t hesitate to march into a “forbidden” room and pick up the dead person’s former prized possessions such as antique jewelry or an eerily lifelike portrait. Notes Greavesby, “If you boldly put on that necklace you’ve been warned never to touch, stare in the ‘haunted mirror’ and give the ghost you see behind you the finger, the spirit will know you can’t be intimidated and will most likely give up.”

WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?

WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel The Blood of Titans, a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel The Blood of Titans, a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click HERE.

Posted May 11, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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In Wake of Colbert Outrage, 100 Euphemisms for “C—k Holster.”   Leave a comment

Stephen Colbert

Comedian Stephen Colbert’s mouth has landed him in hot water.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.

“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.

Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.

Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”

“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”

Trump Mouth

BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.

But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.

“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”

Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.

1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover

Sword swallower

SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.

51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd

Trump Putin Horse

HOMOEROTIC imagery  — like this Photoshopped pic —  have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Rump is Latest Plastic Surgery Fad   Leave a comment

US tycoon Donald Trump plays a stroke as

REARING TO GO: President Trump’s titanic tush has spawned a plastic surgery fad.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.

“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.

“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”

During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.

“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.

butt implant

JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.

In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.

“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”

It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.

Jennifer Lopez

DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping  hindquaters.

“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”

Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.

“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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North Korea’s “Wolf Girl” Escapes!   1 comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

Wolf Girl Update

FUGITIVE FROM INJUSTICE: Human oddity made bold dash for freedom.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PYONGYANG — With North Korea teetering on the brink of an all-out nuclear smackdown with the United States, a new crisis erupted on Saturday when the rogue nation’s famous Wolf Girl escaped the private “human zoo” beneath the palace of dictator Kim Jong Un.

According to state-run television, the 17-year-old human oddity, who is covered head to toe in hair, attacked two keepers and broke out of the squalid 6” by 4” cell where she has been held in captivity since infancy.

“Any citizen who encounters this fugitive is instructed to inform the Ministry of People’s Security immediately,” an anchorwoman announced. “Failure to do so will have dire consequences.”

Although deranged despot Kim allegedly abused the pitiful freak of nature for years, he’s now said to be pining for what was the most prized exhibit in his human menagerie, like a little boy whose pet collie has run away.

“The two guards, who suffered multiple bite wounds, have already been tried and executed for their incompetence,” according to a U.S. State Department source. “You’d think that right now Kim Jong Un would be focusing his energy on preparing for nuclear war — ordering civil-defense drills, shuffling his missiles around and stocking his bunker with his favorite snacks such as Butterfingers. Instead, he has made the capture of the Wolf Girl the number one priority of his security forces.”

While the existence of the pudgy strongman’s collection of at least 150 freaks has long been rumored, it was not until a human-rights organization issued a report on the outrage that the world learned of the Wolf Girl. Believed to be suffering from a rare genetic disorder called congenital universal hypertrichosis, the tragic teen is unable to speak, communicating only in grunts and howls. Kept unclothed, she ate slop from a trough and defecated in a bucket. Human-rights crusaders are not surprised that the hirsute young woman made a break for it.

“She yearns for what all of us want: freedom and dignity,” declared Katsumi Yamashima, spokesperson for the Tokyo-based Pan-Asia Foundation for Human Rights.

But experts on North Korea fear that it’s unlikely that the Wolf Girl – whose real name is unknown – will be able to elude the tyrant’s 144,000 Gestapo-like goons for long.

“She’s never been out of her cell before. She knows nothing about the city of Pyongyang or the country’s rugged terrain,” said the State Department source. “The odds of her remaining free are one in a million. It’s heartbreaking to think that she could soon be in Kim’s clutches again.”

kim-jong

THE FACE OF EVIL: Dictator Kim Jong Un cruelly tormented the Wolf Girl before her brave bid for freedom.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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“SYMBOLIC” TRUMP WALL WILL BE JUST 6 FEET TALL.   Leave a comment

GARDEN wALL 4

Even a short wall like this one can send a powerful message.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Undersized hands aren’t the only way Donald Trump has come up short. It turns out his border wall may be a measly six feet tall!

The President’s plans for a towering and majestic barrier between the U.S. and Mexico were scaled back after Congress balked at the estimated $38 billion price tag.

“This compromise is a win for both Trump and Republicans in Congress,” explained a Capitol Hill insider. “It allows the President to show supporters that he honored his promise to build a wall, while satisfying deficit hawks that money won’t be wasted. The savings can be used for something more useful, such as tax cuts for large corporations.

“Even though it will be smaller than originally envisioned, Trump Wall will remain a powerful symbol to would-be illegal aliens that they aren’t wanted here.”

As a candidate, the flamboyant real-estate tycoon vowed to build a “great, beautiful wall” as high as 40 feet tall, a magnificent structure that could be seen from space just like the Great Wall of China. But at just 72 inches, the cut-down-to-size Trump Wall will be so teensy, most fit adults would be able to scale it; some high-school track stars could leap right over it — and even miniscule Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales could scurry up and over in seconds.

Yet supporters of the pared down project aren’t concerned.

“This is truly a case where size doesn’t matter,” the source insisted. “The main concern with the original plan was that the Mexicans might dig tunnels. Well, it’s as hard to tunnel under a 6-foot wall as it is to tunnel under a 40-foot wall.”

Great Wall of China

The Great Wall of China is one of the eight wonders of the modern world.

During the campaign, Trump claimed that cost wasn’t an issue because Mexico would pay for the wall – and he stuck to his guns even after Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vehemently declared that his nation wouldn’t fork over a single pesos for the “insulting” eyesore.  After the election, the billionaire prez acknowledged that U.S. taxpayers would foot the full bill for his dream project and demanded funding from Congress — saying money could be taken from less important areas such as the Coast Guard and food for the elderly. But lawmakers refused to include funding in this year’s budget, and furious Trump warned of a government shutdown unless they knuckled under. When they didn’t, the President reluctantly backed down, promising supporters the wall-funding issue would be reconsidered this fall when negotiations for the following year’s budget begin.

“Since then, various more-modest proposals for the wall have been run up the flagpole, including the idea that it would extend only half the length of the border,” the insider revealed. “But when the suggestion of simply building a shorter wall was offered for consideration, it instantly received widespread support.”

sPEEDY 1

FLEET-FOOTED cartoon rodent Speedy Gonzales would be able to get over the smaller, cheaper Trump Wall in no time flat.

To trim costs even further, undocumented aliens will work on the wall – but only on the southern side.

“When the wall is complete and they find themselves stuck on the Mexican side, they’ll get the message: ‘Your services are no longer required – stay out!’ ” said the insider.

As another savings measure, the U.S. government won’t cut checks for those workers when the job is done.

“Even more than the art of the deal, as a real-estate mogul, Mr. Trump mastered the art of stiffing contractors,” the insider noted. “If these Mexican citizens are never paid for their labor, he would have shown he is a man of his word: Mexico in effect did pay for the wall.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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