SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
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Terror lurks in the woods in this short video on the website for Hour of the Beast.
To see the book trailer for C. Michael Forsyth’s heart-stopping novel Hour of the Beast or hear Chapter One read by the author, click HERE.
Not even Bruce Willis can save Earth this time, scared-stiff scientists warn.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MONTRÉAL, Canada – Just weeks after the bone-chilling discovery that the Andromeda Galaxy and the Milky Way are on a collision course, astrophysicists and rocket scientists from around the globe are scrambling to save the human race from extinction!
“It’s inspiring,” said one top astronomer. “Experts from Iceland to Zimbabwe are teaming up to find a solution to this impending disaster. We have even been joined by scientists from Iran and North Korea. Old differences like religion and geopolitics are being put aside and we are facing this incredible menace united.
“Even if we ultimately fail, this will be remembered as one of the scientific community’s finest hours.”
It was in early October that Professor Duncan Forbes and his colleagues at Quebec University made the alarming discovery that our neighboring galaxy Andromeda is zooming toward our own galaxy the Milky Way at a blinding 50 miles per second. The finding, announced in a publication of the Royal Astronomical Society, made headlines in scientific journals worldwide, but was overshadowed in the mainstream media by the departure of a popular contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”
“A vast event, the collision of the Milky Way and the giant spiral galaxy Andromeda is due to take place,” according to the October 6 edition of the respected online publication Science Alert.
The magnitude of the upcoming mega-disaster is almost beyond human comprehension.
“Picture an 18-wheeler bearing down on you at top speed,” a leading astrophysicist tried to explain to reporters in layman’s terms. “Now picture an 18-wheeler with the mass of a trillion stars making a beeline for you. We’re talking about the mother of all fender benders.”
The Canadian astronomers’ figures have been checked and rechecked and American experts grimly concur with the conclusion that the impact is inevitable.
“It’s now believed the two will collide,” confirmed renowned Minneapolis astronomer Mike Lynch, author of Washington Starwatch.
While racing against the clock to come up with an answer, scientists warn that there may be no way to stop the smash-up from occurring.
“This is not the scenario pictured in the old sci-fi novel, ‘When Worlds Collide,’” says a NASA engineer. “This isn’t just a planet, it’s an entire galaxy coming straight at us.
“And it’s certainly nothing like the movie ‘Armageddon,’ where it was just an asteroid headed our way. This time, we can’t just send up Bruce Willis with a nuke to blow it to smithereens.”
In “When Worlds Collide,” scientists manage to build a pair of rocket ships that whisk a handful of human survivors away to another planet just before the deadly impact. And a similar solution may be our last, best hope now. Some experts believe that we can construct an armada of star ships that evacuate Earth and fly the entire population to our nearest neighbor, the Canis Major Dwarf galaxy.
They admit the task is “somewhat daunting,” since Canis Major is a mind-bending 42,000 light years away, and the Earth’s population now tops a whopping 6.8 billion people. But they insist that time is on our side.
“No one knows exactly when Andromeda will hit – some estimate it could be more than 4 billion years,” explains the NASA engineer. “Keep in mind, it took a billion years for life to evolve on Earth. That gives us four times as much time to develop the technology to get everyone safely to another galaxy.
“We have the time, we just need to muster the will — and use the combined know-how of all the nations of Earth.”
Amazingly, some scientists say there’s nothing to worry about and that instead, people should adopt a “wait and see” attitude. They claim there’s a high probability that when the collision occurs, the two galaxies won’t destroy each other, they’ll merely merge to form one huge galaxy.
But the NASA expert says, “We can’t be sure of what will happen when the two galaxies collide. I just know I wouldn’t want to be there when they do – and I don’t want my great, great, great, great grandchildren to be there for the big light show either.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
THE FACE OF FEAR: Watch the sexy, creepy promo for Hour of the Beast.
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In “Rosemary’s Baby,” Mia Farrow gets knocked up by the Devil
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO – A former member of a prominent Satanist church has filed a $2 million paternity suit against its head honcho, Lucifer, charging that the Evil One has failed to pay child support!
Mandy Greakley, 31, claims that she was impregnated by the Devil during a sinister rite in 2005, and that since then she hasn’t received a dime from him. What’s more, her lawsuit alleges, he has never once visited their young son.
“Lucifer left me high and dry,” Mandy says bitterly. “When we were together, he promised me the world, but when he found out I was expecting, he pulled a disappearing act.
“He dumped me and little Kyle like so much garbage. I guess there’s a reason they call him the Prince of Lies.”
Satanist leaders vehemently deny the stunning accusation against their beloved lord and master.
“He did not have sex with that woman,” insists Dan Hogerman, a spokesman for the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light. “This individual is obviously very, very troubled. She needs professional help.”
According to legal documents filed in San Francisco Superior Court, Mandy first met the Lord of Darkness at a Halloween party hosted by the church. At first, the raven-haired beauty didn’t believe the mysterious stranger when he revealed his identity.
“At these gatherings, you meet a lot of guys who claim to be high-ranking demons, but turn out to be low-level minions, or worse, ordinary humans,” explains Mandy.
But after a few minutes, she concluded that the tall, imposing gentleman was the genuine article.
“He showed me his power ring,” she says. “I’d seen pictures of it in old books and I recognized it immediately.”
Mandy was quickly swept off her feet by the debonair Devil.
“He spoke with this sexy British accent and, with that cape and that neatly trimmed black goatee, he looked so distinguished, like a college professor,” she recalls. “We talked for hours and I was blown away by how knowledgeable he was about so many subjects, from fine wines to bungee jumping.”
Thus began a whirlwind romance that lasted about nine weeks.
“Despite the age difference, we found we had a lot in common.” Mandy says. “He likes Jerry Springer and so do I.”
The strange relationship was allegedly consummated on a stone altar at the climax of a black mass.
“Lucifer was a surprisingly sensitive and patient lover – and the things he could do with that tail,” Mandy recalls with a small smile. “At first, it felt awkward doing ‘the wild thing’ in the middle of a crowd of worshippers in hooded robes. But in no time, I was completely ignoring them.”
For two months after that, everything went on swimmingly. Mandy was treated like a princess by her doting boyfriend.
“Lucifer took me to the finest restaurants; we traveled to Cannes for the film festival and to the Caribbean. He even told me about things to come. He predicted that Barack Obama would be elected president, long before anyone had ever heard of him. ‘Lu,’ as I called him, told me that one day I would sit on a throne beside him and rule as his queen. And, naively, I believed him.”
The good times ground to screeching halt when Mandy took a home pregnancy test and discovered that she was in a family way.
“When I told Lu, I expected him to be overjoyed,” she remembers. “Instead, he gave a kind of little grimace. He assured me that he would ‘do the right thing’ and was going to marry me as soon as he could ‘make some arrangements.’
“Days went by, then weeks, then months, but I never saw him again. When I was at the hospital, in labor, I was sure Lu was going to show up with a bouquet of flowers and some balloons, but he didn’t. I cried my heart out.”
Initially, Mandy feared that as soon as the baby was born, church members would swoop down, spirit him away and raise him to become Satan’s heir. But she needn’t have worried.
“They’ve shown absolutely no interest in Kyle,” she reveals. “I haven’t received any financial support from the church – zero, zip, nada. They didn’t even send a teddy bear or a congratulations card.”
Mandy, who joined the 12,000-member-strong church as a 15-year-old runaway and describes herself as having been a devout Satanist, now feels betrayed by elders who once took her under their wings.
“I trusted them like grandparents and they stabbed me in the back,” she says.
The flower-shop employee faces an uphill battle in her fight for justice for Kyle. Satan’s cronies are throwing every possible legal roadblock in the way, according to her lawyer, famed feminist attorney Audrey Morkouvitz
“For example, we simply asked for a DNA sample from Satan to establish paternity,” says Mourkouvitz. “The church claims he doesn’t have any. That’s a flat-out lie, as any Bible scholar can tell you.”
The church has filed a motion to dismiss the case as a “specious” lawsuit.
“This young woman is obviously insane, greedy or both,” declares Lloyd. M. Frairwether, attorney for the San Francisco-based church.
“A lawsuit against Satan? It’s patently ridiculous. What’s next, is some brat going to sue Santa Claus for not bringing him the right Christmas toy? The plaintiff is going to be laughed out of court.”
Unfortunately, the crafty defense attorney may be right. Judges are generally loathe to hear cases involving the supernatural, legal analysts say – often throwing out suits from home buyers who weren’t told that they’d purchased haunted houses.
But if the case does see the light of day in court, Lucifer’s goose may be cooked.
“If you have a plucky single mom pitted against Satan and his horde of wicked followers, who do you think a jury is going to side with?” observes one top legal eagle.
Contrary to the “Omen” movies, in which Satan’s spawn Damien has evil powers and rises to become the Antichrist, 4-year-old Kyle shows no signs as yet that he will follow in his father’s hoof steps.
“He can be mischievous sometimes and has trouble sharing his toys, but a lot of children his age are like that,” says his loving mom.
And even if her lawsuit fails, spurned Mandy plans to get sweet revenge on her former lover.
“I’m going to enroll Kyle in Catholic school,” she reveals with a laugh. “I know that will drive Lucifer crazy!”
Copyright 2010 C. Michael Forsyth
Check out the shocking and controversial book Hour of the Beast, by C. Michael Forsyth by clicking HERE.
SALEM, Mass. — In recent years, millions of devout born-again Christians nationwide have begun to ban their children from dressing up on Halloween night, hoping to protect them from ungodly influences. But that has backfired — and made the innocent tots easy prey for evil spirits, a top expert warns.
“Not putting a costume on your child on Halloween night is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible,” warns Vatican-trained exorcist Dr. James Huntingworth, a leading expert on the occult.
“You might as well send them bike riding without a helmet or tell them to go play stickball in the middle of a busy six-lane highway.”
While few Christians complained about Halloween in decades past, lately many evangelical preachers have told their flocks not to celebrate the October 31st holiday, because it has pagan roots.
“They say that it dates back to Celtic times, when it was known as the festival of Samhain, the Day of the Dead,” says Dr. Huntingworth. “And that much is true.
“The ancient Druids believed that on Halloween night, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead blurred and the spirits of the departed walked the Earth.
“Now here’s the important part, which these preachers forget to tell you: The Druid priests taught that wicked spirits would hunt for living bodies to possess. And the only way to foil these roving ghosts was to dress in an ugly costume to make your body unattractive.
“The practice worked and kept the ancient British islanders safe from possession for hundreds of years. And the tradition, carried on over here, protected generations of American children as well.”
In the wholesome 1950s, when Beaver Cleaver and almost every other child in the United States went trick-or-treating in costume, possession by ghosts was extremely rare – virtually unheard of, the expert points out.
“But in the last 15 years, as more and more parents have forbidden their kids from wearing costumes, we’ve seen a disturbing trend,” reveals Dr. Huntingworth. “Possession is steadily on the rise. In 2009 alone, there were a reported 452 possessions of U.S. children on Halloween night – and those are just the ones we know about.
“I investigated 27 of these cases and in every single one, the child was not wearing a costume. The children’s parents were all born-again Christians who didn’t allow them to dress up.
“Not putting a protective costume on your child exposes them to the very real risk of being possessed by the evil dead. It’s like taping a target on their back, or a sign that says, ‘Come get me.’”
Dr. Huntingworth is aware that, with time running out before Halloween night, the pickings may be slim at discount stores. But any costume that disguises your child will work.
“Even if you have to dig up an old bed sheet, cut out eye holes and call it a ghost costume, do it,” the exorcist advises. “Sure, your child may get teased, and if he’s African American, he might hear, ‘Hey, Tyrone, I see you’re a Klansman this year.’ But which is more important, avoiding some good-natured ribbing, or avoiding possession?
“If you don’t mind having little Billy’s body get taken over by the likes of Ted Bundy, or waking up the morning after Halloween with your daughter Sally standing over your bed with Lizzie Borden inhabiting her, by all means keep them out of costumes.
“But if you care about your child’s soul, I’m begging you: please, please, PLEASE dress them up this Halloween.”
Although youngsters are far more vulnerable to possession, the expert adds that it’s vital for grownups to dress up too. Even the most pious individual can be taken over by an evil spirit – and indeed, the Devil’s minions consider it their greatest triumph to possess the innocent.
“It can be as simple as a zombie mask, a pirate outfit or even a cheap little Groucho Marx nose, mustache and glasses,” Dr. Huntingworth explains.
“If you’re a modest, church-going woman, there’s no need to put on some revealing maid or nurse costume. In fact, a really sexy get-up defeats the whole purpose of wearing a costume — making your body unattractive to ghosts — and can actually invite them in. Just put on a simple Michelle Obama mask or go as a clown if you’re the shy type.”
And while convincing many adult males to wear a costume can be like pulling teeth, the expert warns that it’s absolutely crucial that wives do it.
“Otherwise, you make wake up with Adolf Hitler’s ghost in your husband.”
I’m a huge fan of Wes Craven. Pound for pound, the original “Nightmare on Elm Street” is the best horror movie of the last three decades (inspiring the most unnecessary remake in cinema history earlier this year). Mixing sadism with surrealism, it’s the only fright flick that actually made me sleep with the lights on as an adult. In “Wes Craven’s Nightmare,” the filmmaker managed to make dream demon Freddy Krueger scary again after five progressively worse sequels — solidifying Craven’s status as a genius in my book. That picture, released in 1994, was Craven’s last outing as both writer and director, and ever since, his devotees have been chafing at the bit for his comeback as an auteur.
Sad to say, “My Soul to Take” isn’t worth the wait.
Oh, the film starts off promisingly enough. The first five minutes are actually riveting. We see mild-mannered family man Abel Plenkov watch a TV news report about a knife-wielding serial killer dubbed the Riverton Ripper – only to discover to his horror that one of his own multiple personalities is the murderer. Abel fatally stabs his pregnant wife and battles police, who gun him down. But he proves hard to kill and bounces back several times, Jason-like, before vanishing into the woods with what could be fatal wounds. At the same time, seven babies are born prematurely in the local hospital.
Sixteen years later, the seven kids, now known as the “Riverton Seven,” convene in the woods to repeat their annual ritual: “killing” Abel Plenkov in effigy to prevent him from returning to murder them. Unfortunately, the police interrupt the ceremony and soon the teens do indeed begin to die one by one. The audience is then kept guessing: is Plenkov still alive and wreaking havoc — or has the soul of the Riverton Ripper invaded the body of one of the teens, to carry on his grisly work?
I found the premise of personalities migrating into young people who are then psychically linked intriguing. The concept suggests myriad possibilities – which are not, unfortunately, explored in the film. And by the time we are introduced to the notion that Plenkov’s soul – or just his serial-killer personality – might inhabit one of the teens, most of the possible suspects have already been bumped off. So the film doesn’t work as a supernatural whodunit.
The killings themselves are quite unimaginatively executed, and are sure to disappoint the blood-and-guts crowd. The teens are one-dimensional stereotypes: the boorish jock, the religious chick, the noble black blind kid, the self-centered blonde, etc. The victims also do those stupid things that make it hard for you to root for them — like heading INTO a Freddy Kruegerish boiler room (or whatever it’s supposed to be) when they hear a creepy noise inside, or running headlong into the woods when the safety of a police car is just yards away.
The only fully-developed character is Bug, played well by Max Thieriot. Shy, sensitive and unstable, he appears to be developing multiple personality disorder himself. We are supposed to spend a good deal of the movie trying to figure out whether Bug is actually the culprit. Except there’s one major problem: we often see the killer in action when Bug is clearly somewhere else!
In the dénouement, the supernatural element is hurriedly explained, but it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
The ads make a big deal of the movie being Wes Craven’s first foray into 3-D, but not once is the effect used to scare us. It turns out 3-D was an afterthought. While “My Soul to Take” sat on a shelf, awaiting distribution, someone had the bright idea of converting it to 3-D, to capitalize on the latest trend. The only purpose appears to be to force movie goers to shell out a few extra bucks. Having to wear those clunky 3-D glasses made this less-than-satisfying movie-going experience even more annoying.
So two thumbs down for Craven’s “comeback” movie. Maybe he’ll be in better form when his next project, “Scream 4,” bloodies up the big screen.
BACK FOR MORE: Spunky Sarah battles a woman-eating subterranean freak.
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’m not ashamed to admit that the 2005 British movie “The Descent” scared the living daylights out of me. In fact, I’d have to count it among the most frightening flicks I’ve ever seen. The predicament of the six female spelunkers trapped in the bowels of an Appalachian cave and stalked by cannibalistic mutants is plenty harrowing even BEFORE the monsters show up. The heroines must combat claustrophobia, cave-ins, narrow tunnels that trap victims like rats, perilous drops and more. Of course, when the naked, drooling “crawlers” begin to pick them off, the situation gets worse in a hurry.
Now, the premise was not especially original. ‘The Cave,” which was released the same year, introduced a more novel concept: a germ that causes every living thing it infects to become vampire-like. In contrast, creepy underground races have been haunting our imagination at least as far back as “Superman and the Mole Men.” (And let’s not forget the old Weekly World News mascot Batboy, who looks like a benign version of the crawlers.) But the realism of the cave sequences (although filmed on a set) gave the movie a powerful impact. And while the crawlers are not all that tough as movie monsters go (a fit woman can beat one in a fair fight and their heads cave in easily), the slimy, maggot-colored critters really do make your skin crawl. Plus, forgive me if this sounds sexist, but the fact that the unlucky cave explorers were all women – with no male “protectors” — heightened the terror level.
Still, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to a sequel. We all know the vast majority are gratuitous, a naked ploy by money-grubbing producers to squeeze every last dime out of an idea. And since in most cases, the creators have gone onto bigger and better things and the follow-ups are turned over to young hacks with no loyalty to the original, the result is almost always disappointing. In this instance, although the original’s writer/director Neil Marshall stepped aside for director Jon Harris and writer J. Blakeson, he remained on board as producer. The creative team stays true to the themes of the original and manages to recapture the tension and claustrophobic horror.
Instead of doing the obvious and mimicking the original’s successful formula – say, by sending down a fresh crop of all-girl adventurers — the filmmakers pick up the story where the last one left off. Sole survivor Sarah (Shauna McDonald) has somehow made it to the surface and stumbles out of the woods. Traumatized and bloodied, she is unable to recall anything about her ordeal. Accompanying a mixed-gender rescue party, Sarah reluctantly returns to the cave in search of her companions.
Early on, I thought I’d pegged the movie as a turkey. The sheriff (Gavan O’Herlihy) makes some absurdly stupid decisions that strain the audience’s ability to suspend disbelief. For starters, he drags Sarah from her hospital bed to return to the cave, supposedly to help the rescuers negotiate their way through the maze of tunnels – although she clearly has amnesia! And HANDCUFFING himself to another person while fleeing the carnivorous sub-humanoids isn’t exactly prudent either.
Sarah’s abrupt switch from shell-shocked victim to monster-killing superwoman – ala Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley in “Aliens” – is also a bit hard to swallow. And, at first, it seems like the characters, who quickly get separated due to a cave-in, are going to be bumped off in fairly predictable order. But the encounters with the crawlers are truly terrifying and exciting, each one a well-executed set-piece. The outcome of these battles rarely seem predetermined; I defy you to guess correctly who will die and when. As in the original, the intensity of the relationships gives the movie some dramatic heft. And the themes of revenge and self-sacrifice are revisited here.
In one aspect, this movie is actually an improvement over the original. The characters look different and are distinctly drawn. In the original “Descent,” the women looked and sounded so much alike, other than the exotic, indomitable Juno (Hong Kong- born Natalie Mendoza), I had difficulty telling the women apart and was even unsure of how many of them there were! Here it’s easier to root for particular characters to survive.
Like the original, the movie has a downbeat and rather puzzling ending. Maybe some kind reader will explain it to me in a comment. Or perhaps all will be made clear in the inevitable “Descent 3.”
So, as sequels go, I have to give this one a solid B+. Maybe not as fresh and shocking as the original, but spooky enough to merit a place on your Netflix queue.
TERROR STALKS THE WOODS in this video promoting "Hour of the Beast." To watch it, click below.
To see the book trailer for C. Michael Forsyth’s critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, and hear Chapter One read by the author, CLICK HERE.
The FACE OF EVIL: Twisted maniac Kim Jong Il hates animals
By C. Michael Forsyth
PYONGYANG, North Korea – In an unspeakably cruel act, heartless tyrant Kim Jong il has ordered the slaughter of all of his nation’s unicorns!
The endangered creatures, believed to number fewer than 100 in the wild, could all be rounded up and shot by as early as January if the diminutive despot gets his way.
“This is heartbreaking beyond measure,” declared Ms. Akemi R. Yamashita of the Tokyo-based League for Animal Justice. “These magnificent creatures are not only majestic and breathtakingly beautiful, they are a centuries-old symbol of purity and good. To destroy them wholesale is both senseless and evil.”
Unicorns were long believed to be merely the stuff of myth, until the 1992 discovery of a single specimen in Vietnam’s Vu Quang Nature Preserve, near the Laotian border. The sensational find, along with the discovery of a previously unknown species of egg-laying mammal, made headlines worldwide, although news accounts became muddled due to a photograph of its close relative the saola just hours earlier the same day.
Experts believe unicorns were hunted to the brink of extinction by peasants who used the gentle animals’ horns, in powdered form, as an aphrodisiac.
The majority of the remaining herds dwell in the remote Mount Paekdu Reserve in North Korea. The sprawling, 326,000-acre jungle is the habitat of many other endangered species, including the Siberian tiger, and is a protected U. N. forest preserve. But that didn’t stop pint-sized potentate Kim Jong il from issuing his bizarre October 18 decree that “useless” unicorns are to be “destroyed by year’s end.”
Though widely condemned by animal-rights organizations across Asia, the communist government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea vigorously defends the madman’s decision. Officials claim that meat from the horse-like mammals is badly needed to feed the country’s starving people.
“First the capitalists attack our noble leader for not doing enough about the famine in our nation. Now, when he takes decisive action, he is maligned again,” argued Da-Hyung Nang, a spokesman for the Ministry of Information. “Which is more important, human life or a handful of horses with horns?”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
HELP STOP THE MADNESS!
You can join the fight to save these precious creatures – before they are wiped off the face of the Earth forever. Email letters of support to your local chapter of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). They’ll see that your voice his heard by U.N. officials, who will put pressure on North Korea.
This writer's terrifying new novel HOUR OF THE BEAST is the perfect gift for Halloween! Give the gift of scary fun this year. And the eBOOK is a steal at just $5! Critics are calling it "gripping" and "Difficult to put down."
CHIGAGO – Forget what you’ve seen in Hollywood horror flicks like “Underworld.” Vampires and werewolves get on famously — and the friendly relationship dates back many centuries, according to top experts in the field.
“Many of my closest pals are werewolves,” reveals Charles Vinowinski, a self-proclaimed Chicago vampire who says he’s 128 years old, but looks a spry 60. “We go bowling together, hang out and visit each other’s homes to play board games on Saturday nights.”
The chummy relationship between the two species is a far cry from the hit movie “Underworld,” which depicts a war that’s been waged for eons.
“The vampire-werewolf alliance can be traced at least as far back as ancient Rome,” asserts folklorist Dr. Hans Reintenhauser of the Berlin Institute for the Study of Unusual Phenomenon.
“During the dark ages, vampires and werewolves were known to hunt together and operate in pairs. During the day, while in human form, the lycanthrope would protect the sleeping vampire from those who would do him or her harm.
“Because in those days both species were persecuted by ordinary people, they needed to work hand in hand for the sake of their own survival.”
Such “odd couples” still exist in modern times, according to the expert, author of the upcoming book, “Friends Forever: The Untold Story of the Vampire-Werewolf Kinship.”
“Yes there is sometimes rivalry between the two, which are so different in their temperaments; some good-natured ribbing and occasional bickering,” says Dr. Reintenhauser. “But it’s like something you’d see in a buddy movie like ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,’ or between Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in the ‘Rush Hour’ pictures. Deep down, there is an abundance of love and respect.”
Since both vampires and werewolves are believed to be immortal – barring a run-in with the business end of a sharpened stake or silver bullet – “buddy” pairs develop an incredibly strong bond over the centuries.
“Imagine a comedy duo like Abbot and Costello, who’ve worked together so long they can anticipate each other’s every thought, can finish each others’ sentences and have impeccable timing,” explains the researcher. “Now imagine that kind of link strengthening over the course of a thousand or more years.”
Wolfman Henry Yerbrough, 241, has such a close-knit bond with his longtime associate Jean-Claude Dujardane, whom he claims he met in a field hospital during the War of 1812.
“Jean-Claude and I are like brothers,” smiles Yerbrough, of Milwaukee. “He was the best man at my wedding and I’m the godfather of his three kids. When we travel, we share a hotel room and once a year we go fishing together in the mountains.
“A lot of people assume we’re gay, especially since I work in a hair salon,” he adds with a chuckle. “But trust me, I love women as much as the next guy.”
Brooklyn native Ed Neidorf Jr., who is comparatively young as vampires go, at age 78, says he can only remember a single violent encounter with werewolves.
“This was in the early 1950s and there was a ‘rumble’ between a couple of rival vampire and werewolf gangs,” recalls the plumbing contactor, who still sports jet-black hair. “No one was killed, but there were some minor injuries. I remember some pretty nasty epithets being hurled at me, like ‘bloodsucker’ and “leech.’
“We were all just young and stupid then.”
When vampires and lycanthropes see movies like “Underworld” and “Twilight Saga: New Moon,” which also portrays the two groups as age-old enemies, it makes their blood boil.
“Hollywood makes it look as if we fight like cats and dogs,” fumes Vinowinski, a house inspector. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
To check the shocking and controversial Hour of the Beast, CLICK HERE.
“The Wolfman” could not possibly find a more receptive audience than yours truly. As a child I was scared out of my wits by the 1941 original. (I was even terrified by Lon Chaney Jr.’s straight-faced reprise of the role in “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein”). The movie gave me werewolf nightmares for decades. I’ve always found the flesh-ripping, rampaging man-beasts more frightening than those urbane vampires, with whom one could conceivably reason. While I’m not a big believer in remakes, when I learned that a “Wolfman” update was in the works, I eagerly anticipated it. The prospect of what modern special effects could add to the story intrigued me. And when I saw the trailer, with its grade A set design and period costumes, along with gorgeous cinematography, I immediately put the film on the top of my must-see list.
To boot, the picture stars two of my favorite actors. I’ve been a fan of Anthony Hopkins since his chilling performance as a crazed ventriloquist in 1978’s “Magic.” (Just watch his face contort as a psychiatrist makes him try to keep his evil dummy silent for one minute). I’ve been following Benicio del Toro’s career with interest since his riveting turn as a brooding, switchblade-wielding henchman in the 1989 James Bond movie “License to Kill.” He even made my list of the top five Bond henchman.
Unfortunately, this man-wolf movie turns out to be a dog.
PROBLEM NUMBER 1: THE FILM ISN’T SCARY. The monster shows up way too early and appears on screen way too long. As is usually the case with movie monsters, this diminishes its ability to menace. I must admit, though, that the werewolf makeup — an update of the classic Universal version of the ‘40s — is pretty good, and a nice change from the usual “Howling”-type lycanthrope.
While the body count is impressive (I guarantee you’ll lose count) virtually all of the killings are of anonymous characters we’ve never seen before; monster fodder we couldn’t care less about.
PROBLEM NUMBER 2: THE FILM’S MAJOR PLOT TWIST IS INTERESTING, BUT IT’S TELEGRAPHED EARLY ON. Actually, “telegraphed” is far too generous. After all, to understand a telegraph machine, you need to know Morse code. This twist is displayed in bright red letters so big that unless you have trouble seeing the “E” on an eye chart, you’ll spot it a mile away.
PROBLEM NUMBER 3: THE PERFORMANCES ARE DREADFUL. Hopkins, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Hannibal Lecter in “Silence of the Lambs,” phones in this performance as the title character’s dad. Perhaps Sir Anthony has become too high and mighty to give a “mere” horror movie his all. Or maybe the veteran actor’s experienced nose recognized the movie as a turkey and he decided to just take the money and run. Or perhaps he was just having a bad few weeks. Hopkins is one of those actors (like fellow Welshman Richard Burton) who is really good when he’s good, and REALLY bad when he’s bad).
But it’s del Toro’s wooden performance as the doomed, werewolf-bitten protagonist Larry Talbot that really sinks the film. He wears only one expression throughout the 103-minute movie: brooding. Come to think if it, he was at his best as the BROODING cop in “Traffic.” Maybe as an actor the guy is just a one-trick pony.
It’s interesting that in the remake, the screenwriters chose to make Talbot an actor. But it’s a stretch to believe del Toro’s character has the risibility to emote on stage (especially during the 19th century, an era of extreme theatrical flamboyance).
In this story, the monster is also the hero, so if we can’t empathize with him, the drama falls flat. Lon Chaney Jr. was no Laurence Olivier (nor even a Lon Chaney Sr.). But he killed as Lenny in “Of Mice and Men” and he killed as Larry Talbot (no pun intended). We rooted for him to somehow escape his tragic predicament, just as we would later feel we were in the trenches with “that Doctor Pepper guy” in “An American Werewolf in London.” We don’t give two cents about del Toro’s lackluster Larry.
PROBLEM NUMBER 4: THE MOVIE’S CLIMAX FEATURES THE MOST ANNOYING HORROR CLICHÉ: TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING. My apologies to those of you who salivated at the prospect of Jason taking on Freddy Krueger, or Alien going toe-to-toe with Predator, but I usually find such clashes more comical than gripping. And most of the time, I find myself asking, “Who are we supposed to root for?”
SO TO RECAP, we’re talking about a horror movie that isn’t scary, a plot twist that doesn’t surprise us, a leading man who can’t act and a climax that’s laughable. Does at least the romantic SUBPLOT work? Nope.
PROBLEM NUMBER 5: THE ROMANCE BETWEEN TALBOT AND HIS SISTER-IN-LAW GWEN (EMILY BLUNT) IS UNCONVINCING. The love angle is called for by the movie’s structure, but it comes out of nowhere and feels forced. Plus del Toro and Blunt have little onscreen chemistry.
This hurts because the film’s denouement hinges on our belief that Gwen would risk her life for Larry. When Gwen vows to rescue Larry from the curse and seeks the counsel of the old Gypsy woman, the screenwriters had an opportunity to inject an interesting new element into the “Wolfman” mythology: a possible cure. Instead, the meeting is a bust. So Gwen rushes to the dangerous Talbot estate with no plan – except to run like hell. And, as we recall from the cult classic “Tremors,” “Running isn’t a plan. Running is what you do when a plan fails.”
However, in this case, I would say that if you happen to come across “The Wolfman” on the shelf in your local Blockbuster, that SHOULD be your plan: run like hell!
Based on a 2008 Swedish film and the novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist, “Let Me In” easily makes my list of the 10 best vampire movies ever made. (Look for my picks in an upcoming post.)
The protagonist is Owen, a shy, frail, 12-year-old boy who is picked on mercilessly by bullies. Owen’s life brightens when a (seemingly) young girl named Abby moves into the apartment next door with a man who appears to be her father. Owen falls in love with the pretty, fair-haired lass – unaware that she is a vampire.
The movie owes a debt, obviously, to “Interview with the Vampire,” which also features a little girl vampire. But unlike that film’s Claudia, who resents being a woman trapped forever in a child’s body, Abby never ages in her own mind. She remains a pre-teen, prone to schoolgirl crushes. As she tells Owen after he discovers her secret and asks how old she is, “I’m 12. I’ve just been 12 for a long time.”
Masterfully, the film’s writer-director Matt Reeves is able to make this at once a tender love story and a grisly tale of terror. With its theme of star-crossed young lovers, it has echoes of “Romeo and Juliet.” Indeed, Franco Zeffirelli’s sumptuous 1968 film of the play is referenced in a brief clip, as well as in the horror movie’s haunting score. The filmmaker makes Abby sweet, ethereal and tantalizing, while not pulling any punches when it comes to her monstrous nature. Her vicious, predatory and cunning side is put on full display in several gory, frightening scenes. (I don’t think I’m giving too much away when I tell you that those bullies buy the farm in spectacular fashion – you know they’re toast pretty much as soon as they appear on screen).
Much of the credit goes to 13-year-old Chloe Moretz, who plays Abby. With her dreamy eyes and bee-stung lips, this nymphet has an allure not unlike that of Olivia Hussey, who was just two years older when she made prepubescent boys’ hearts flutter as Juliet in the Zeffirelli film.
It’s enough to make you understand why Owen is willing to sacrifice everything for Abby, even his own innocence.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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