Archive for the ‘bizarre news’ Tag
CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater — unless white magic licks the problem.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MIAMI, Florida — Governor Rick Scott has banned Florida officials from using the term “climate change” – and the age-old form of magic might actually save the state from global warming!
“This potent type of magic has been used to ward off danger since the dawn of human history,” explains Karyn Fultenbach, high priestess of a prominent Wiccan coven in Miami. “When a tribe encountered a sabretooth in a cave, the shaman would warn the others not to say the word ‘sabretooth.’ They would instead close their eyes and only use the word ‘cat.’ This would keep the early humans safe, and some experts believe this is actually how ordinary house cats evolved.”
The National Climate Assessment recently named Miami one of the U.S. cities most vulnerable to damage from rising sea levels. Experts have warned that the ocean could rise several feet, putting much of the state’s beautiful beachfront property underwater. So, soon after Scott was elected, employees of the Florida Department of Environmental Protection were sternly ordered to refrain from using the terms “climate change,” and “global warming” in official communications.
Fultenbach and her 12 fellow witches have written the governor recommending that the technique also be used to ward off specific natural disasters associated with climate change.
“He should also forbid the uses of the terms ‘flooding,’ ‘tsunami’ and ‘category 5 hurricane,’” she advises.
INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists’ heads.
The danger-denying form of white magic was used in ancient times to defeat demons, according to the Wiccan priestess.
“A demon god would often be referred to only as ‘He Whose Name Shall Not be Spoken,’” she reveals. “Forbidding people from mentioning it by name was a way to drive it from existence. This worked, and the concrete evidence is that few of those demon gods exist today.”
In the Middle Ages, practitioners of Wicca used the white magic technique to protect their villages from the Black Plague.
“If a stranger wandered into town covered with oozing sores, white witches would warn the people never to utter the word plague. So no one could catch the disease,” says the 43-year-old Wiccan.
GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.
Ironically, the lifesaving acts led to the demise of many witches. Fearful and suspicious church officials, who thought only the Devil could have spared the isolated towns, often had the witches burned at the stake.
Not everyone thinks that using white magic to battle climate change makes sense.
“It sounds crazy,” says Gus Quelby of the conservative group Florida Citizens for Common Sense. “So crazy it just might work. But resorting to paganism is dangerous. We’re a Christian state. Even if using magic does prevent global warming from affecting Florida, it goes completely against the teachings of Jesus.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.
“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.
LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in “The Hunger Games.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a “security state” fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!
“Every simulation we’ve run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19,” revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they’re a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They’re expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults.”
The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.
“We’re not talking about ‘rounding up’ anyone at this time,” the insider assured the public. “We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we’re working so hard to construct.”
PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in “Insurgent.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.
“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.
Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hildenbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.
BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — George Kelnway was heartbroken when his beloved 1985 Camaro was totaled in a wreck 25 years ago. But he believes the object of his affection has returned to him in the form of a curvy 24-year-old blonde.
And a top expert in the psychic phenomena agrees that the evidence is “overwhelming” that Monica Hildenbrook really did live before as the canary-yellow sports car.
“This is one of the most extraordinary cases of reincarnation I’ve ever encountered,” declared paranormal researcher Dr. Bella Delungo. “It’s like that old TV show My Mother the Car, but in reverse.”
Among the striking coincidences cited by the investigator:
• Monica was born at 8:40 p.m. on May 4, 1989 – the one-year anniversary of the 1988 crash, down to the very hour and minute.
• Her hair is an unusual bright yellow that’s virtually the exact shade of Kelnway’s car, and yellow is also her favorite color.
• Her favorite song is “La Bamba” the ditty that was playing on the car radio at the moment of the accident.
• She has a lifelong affinity for automobiles and works as a model at car shows.
• Whenever she sees the color red, she stops dead in her tracks.
“Monica has headlights you can’t take your eyes off of and plenty of junk in her trunk, just like my Camaro,” declared Kelnway, a 46-year-old marketing consultant. “The moment I laid eyes on her I felt a connection. It was the same bond I had with my first car.”
The road trip into The Twilight Zone began in 1985 when Kelnway received the spanking new vehicle as a high school graduation present. He fell head over heels in love with the car.
LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn’t keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.
“George lavished so much tender loving care on that Camaro,” his mother Katherine recalled. “He’d spend hours detailing it, waxing and buffing it. We’d joke that it was like his girlfriend.”
But the romance screeched to halt when Kelnway got in a head-on collision with a driver who’d fallen asleep at the wheel. Miraculously, the young college student walked away with only minor injuries, but his car was damaged beyond repair.
“When the tow truck took my car away I cried like a baby,” he recalled.
TRAGEDY: George Kelnway’s Camaro was wrecked 25 years ago.
Over the years Kelnway bought and sold many other cars, but never forgot his first. Then, in May 2013, as he shopped in the canned vegetable aisle at Wal-Mart, he smelled an eerily familiar fragrance.
“I turned and saw this gorgeous blonde in a yellow mini skirt,” Kelnway remembered. “Not only was her outfit the same color as my old Camaro, her perfume smelled just like the interior. I couldn’t help blurting out ‘You smell like my first car.’ She laughed and told me ‘Everyone says this perfume is like ‘new car smell,’ but I don’t care – it’s my favorite.’”
Kelnway, feeling an instant attraction, asked for her number on the spot. Monica, who also says she felt sure she knew George from somewhere, eagerly accepted. They hit it off on the first date and have been an item every since.
George Kelnway
“When I found out that Monica loves driving at high speeds and models at car shows, the reincarnation thing began to occur to me, but it seemed too crazy to be true,” Kelnway said. “Then, on about our third date, when we were driving home from the movies, she started humming “La Bamba” and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.”
The couple dated for several months before Kelnway dared suggest his reincarnation theory to his stunning young girlfriend. Although she thought the whole idea was silly, in September she agreed to undergo past-life regression under the supervision of Dr. Delungo. The results were mind-blowing.
“Under hypnosis, Monica remembered being put together on an assembly line, and vividly recalled the accident,” the researcher revealed. “She accurately described the make and color of the other car involved in the collision, as well as the first three letters of the license plate – information she was not privy to.”
CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com “My Mother the Car,” Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.
The expert says this isn’t the first instance of a person having lived before as a machine. There are recorded cases of humans being reincarnated as army tanks, toasters, even electric can openers.
“In the cycle of births and deaths, a soul can return to the material plane as a human, animal or inanimate object depending on the moral quality of the previous life’s actions,” Dr. Delungo explained. “In all likelihood, Monica’s soul began its journey as a human. According to the laws of karma, misdeeds caused her to be reincarnated in an animal form, then, spiraling downward, as a series of objects. Now it appears that the powers that be are giving her another shot as a human.”
After emerging from the trance, Monica had no conscious recollection of her prior existence and was stunned to hear a recording of the hypnosis session.
“I have to accept that I actually was once a car,” she said. “You can’t argue with science.
“My friends love to make wisecracks, like ‘How’s life in the fast lane?’ or ‘Did George wax your rear end this morning?’ But it doesn’t bother me. All I know is that George and I have a special bond and this time I don’t want anything to ever separate us.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.
The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.
WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.
“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.
Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.
OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.
“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”
According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.
FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.
The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.
“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”
Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.
Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”
The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…
… actor Henry Hull.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!
In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.
“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.
But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.
“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”
Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.
The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…
…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”
“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”
But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.
“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”
— C. Michael Forsyth
Who could that be under all that hair?
GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.
MASKED AVENGER: Mystery woman faces death if captured.
By C. Michael Forsyth
SHAMIRZAD, Iran – Iranian authorities have issued a fatwa – a death warrant – for a burqa-clad mystery woman who beats up clerics who scold ladies for immodest dress!
Since September, 14 holy men have been beaten to a pulp by the veiled vixen – enraging leaders in a nation where women are supposed to be subservient. Known only as the Mystery Virgin, she has been likened to the swashbuckling masked avenger Zorro.
“Because she’s covered head to toe, none of the injured victims have been able to identify her,” says Iranian journalist Davood Jobrani of the People’s Report.
“Authorities are frustrated – and concerned that if the Mystery Virgin is not captured soon, disrespectful behavior could spread among the female population. They fear we might have women running around in blue jeans and high heels. The imans have launched the mother of all manhunts for the assailant.”
Iranian law demands that women abide by a strict dress code that bans Western clothing. Those who break the rules risk public reprimand by the “morality police,” clerics or alert male citizens – and for serious breaches can be carted off to jail.
The first known attack took place in the northern town of Shamirzad. According to Iran’s official Mehr News Agency, the Mystery Virgin pummeled the cleric so badly that he needed hospitalization.
Respected religious leader Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti told reporters he was on his way to pray at a mosque when he encountered a young woman and warned her that her ankles were partially exposed.
“She responded by telling me to cover my eyes, which was very insulting to me,” still-shaken Beheshti recalled. When he demanded she cover up, the Mystery Virgin told him to “put a lid on it.” Then she punched him so hard he hit the ground.
OPPRESSED Muslim women in Iran are forced to cover themselves head to toe in a garment called a burqa — or face cruel punishment.
Since then, more than a dozen clerics in the area have reported similar incidents in which they criticized women for non-Isamic dress or conduct and were severely thrashed for the unsolicited advice.
“I saw a woman reading an American fashion magazine in the park and noticed that she was wearing nail polish,” Arash Hadandi told Iranian TV. “I ordered her to put away the magazine and scolded her for her shamelessness. Out of nowhere a second woman appeared and told me to shut up.
“I said, ‘How dare you? Go on your way or you’ll get a good caning.’
“She replied, ‘The only one who’s getting a beating today is you.’ The harlot knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I was unconscious.”
Hadandi suffered a broken nose and two fractured ribs in the brutal attack.
News of the Mystery Virgin’s exploits has spread throughout the country, along with wild rumors. Some Iranians believe the two-fisted superheroine studied martial arts, or perhaps picked up tricks from bootleg Jackie Chan DVDS, in clear violation of Sharia, Muslim holy law.
“She delivers blows so rapidly and her roundhouse kick is so powerful that she may indeed have received some special training,” said Police Inspector Mahoud Rostami, who is leading the investigation. “Or it could merely be that rage has given her abnormal strength.”
HUMILIATED: This cleric was beaten within an inch of his life, then stripped of his robes, authorities say.
Adding insult to injury, two of the victims were left stripped to their underwear. Clergyman Farid Karimi denounced a woman he spotted on the street as a “prostitute” because he could make out her curves through her burqa. The Mystery Virgin came to her rescue, taking down Karimi with a lightning fast blitz of jabs and uppercuts.
“As I lay sprawled in the alley, she said, ‘I don’t like your fashion sense either,’ and yanked off my robes,” Karimi told newsmen. “As I tried to cover myself she disappeared into the gathering crowd.”
Karimi, who was found to be wearing women’s undergarments, now faces criminal charges himself. But it is the elusive Mystery Virgin whom authorities are determined to bring to justice. If captured, she could face a trial before a religious tribunal and death by stoning.
The Mystery Virgin has become a symbol for the pent-up anger of downtrodden Muslim women, to whom she’s become a hero.
“They may condemn her in front of their husbands at the dinner table,” notes reporter Jobrani. “But when they are in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, they praise her in hushed voices.”
SWASHBUCKLING Zorro, portrayed here by Tyrone Power, also defended the weak and oppressed.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
A firm voice and an understanding of animal psychology are key to training a werewolf.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ZURICH — Is your werewolf’s constant misbehavior driving you crazy? Stop pulling your hair out and enroll your wolfman in one of four obedience schools that have cropped up in Switzerland.
At institutions like the Lycanthrope Academy outside Zurich, ill-mannered man-beasts are trained to become docile and obedient.
“Werewolves come here tearing up furniture, chasing postmen and sullenly ignoring commands,” states Juergan Lichtenwalter, director of the school. “They leave here helpful companions that will obey orders instantly and even delight their masters’ guests with a variety of tricks.”
Werewolves are common household pets in Switzerland, Germany and France, and function in a broad range of service roles as well. Some serve as guard dogs, rescue animals, sheep herders, drug sniffers and of course companions to the blind.
When well trained, the loyal and intelligent creatures can be wonderful in all those roles, outshining even German shepherds. But unruly, poorly trained and disobedient werewolves can be a nightmare.
“Before we brought King to the obedience school, he was always leaving poop around the house and no amount of swats on the behind with rolled up newspaper would stop him,” reveals Annalise Landenber, 42. “He wouldn’t quit humping my leg. And once, when I tried to take our milkman’s femur away from him, he snapped at me.
“King wouldn’t even answer to his own name. But after six weeks at the school, he’s like a whole new wolfman. If you say ‘Come,’ he comes. ‘Roll over’ or ‘Beg’ and he rolls over and begs.”
The exclusive Lycanthrope Academy, which opened its doors three years ago, accepts only pedigreed werewolves, while its three imitators train mixed breeds as well.
The owners of the academy refuse to divulge their training methods, calling them a “trade secret.” But the director disputes accusations on an animal rights blog that cattle prods and silver canes are used to cow the creatures into submission.
“Our approach draws upon the latest research in both animal and human psychology,” explains Licthenwalter. “Once you understand that a werewolf has two sides – the canine side that is pack-oriented, intuitive and uninhibited and the human side, which is intelligent and rational — it’s mostly a matter of communicating with them in a gentle but firm manner.
“You have to show them that you love them, but also who’s the boss.”
Ms. Landenber, an administrative assistant and mother of four, couldn’t be happier.
“I’m seriously thinking about entering him in the big contest in Geneva this fall,” she reveals. “I think he could win Best in Show.”
A good candidate for obedience school.
On the Hour of the Beast front, the book launch party for my new horror novel was a smashing success! A good time was had by readers who packed Fiction Addiction in Greenville, SC. You can get the scoop on this bone-chilling werewolf story by clicking HERE.
My book launch party at Fiction Addiction drew readers from all walks of life, from sewing teacher Eileen Bunch to contractor Sam Lewis.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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