Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

HERO FIRES GUN INTO HURRICANE IRMA, SAVES FAMILY FROM SHARKS.   Leave a comment

 

sharknado

The movie “Sharknado” brought to light the danger of airborne sharks.

By C. Michael Forsyth

KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.

Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.

Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.

“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”

Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.

A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”

 

Irma sharks

SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.

 

“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”

Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.

“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.

FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.

“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”

Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.

 

Hurricane shooting

DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Activists Set to Trim L from LGBTQ   Leave a comment

LG

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — Activists are struggling to whittle down the unwieldy acronym LGBTQ – and surprisingly, the letter L is most likely to get the ax!

“All lesbians are gay, so the L is redundant,” explains linguist Newton Brishol, who is advising activists. “It’s why we don’t need an H for homosexual. G covers both male and female gay people quite neatly.”

The long and cumbersome acronym is a source of confusion for many Americans. Some, for example, believe the Q stands for “queer,” while others insist it stands for “questioning.”

“It’s obvious the acronym needs to be shortened for clarity’s sake, but it’s hard to get a consensus on where to trim,” says one top leader. “We’re bending over backward to please everyone.”

Some gay women are furious that the L in L word could be headed for the chopping block.

“If any letter is going to get the boot, it should be Q,” fumes feminist author and activist Kandella Fornqusit. “People who are just ‘questioning’ don’t deserve their own letter, I’m sorry. You’re basically handing out a letter that says, ‘Might actually be straight.’”

While most leaders agree the acronym needs pruning, others contend it should actually be lengthened to be more inclusive. Possible additions that have been run up the flagpole include:

A = Asexual — Attracted to neither sex
C = Closeted — Refuses to admit being gay
D = Drunken — Has gay sex after multiple beers
E = Experimented — Had brief gay stint at college
F = Faux Lesbian — Makes out with other girls at clubs to attract attention
G = Genderless — Does not identify with either gender
H = Hustler — Will have gay sex, but only for money. (Others say H should be for Hermaphrodite).
I = Intersex — Born with both male and female genitalia
M = Mistaken for gay — Man who is “too good looking,” hates sports, or speaks with an English accent. (Alternatively, M for Ménage – Wife who will go bi for a three-way on husband’s birthday)
N = Narcissist — Only attracted to self
O = One timer — Tried gay sex once and hated it, like Hugh Hefner
P = Prisoner — Resorts to homosexuality while serving time, AKA “gay for the stay”
R = Really thinks being bisexual sounds cool.
S = Star struck — would engage in same-sex relations with just one celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt
U = Ugly — Too unattractive to get the chance to sleep with anyone, male or female.
V = Vulnerable — Gay, but could easily be flipped
W = Would make a great lesbian. Shorthaired, athletic, tomboyish, but straight
X = X-rated — Turned on by gay porn but won’t try it

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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N.C. May Use Force Field to Keep Out Illegal Aliens and Transgenders.   Leave a comment

Force field Fantastic Four

Force fields are a staple of Hollywood movies like “The Fantastic Four.”

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

RALEIGH, N.C. — Donald Trump may not have to build that giant wall between the U.S. and Mexico after all. A maverick North Carolina scientist has designed a 300-foot-high force field to keep illegal aliens out.

“I call it the Freedom Wall,” declared Emmett Houseleg, a self-described amateur quantum physicist and inventor. “It will be invisible, keeping the majestic landscape at our southern border unblemished, but it will present an impassable barrier no illegal alien can penetrate.”

He also envisions his invention being used on a far smaller scale to protect individual buildings and even specific rooms.

“A force field could block transgenders from entering the wrong restroom, for example,” notes the scientist, whose other inventions include a solar-powered toaster oven.

Houseleg claims he has a working prototype of the force field set up around the dog house in his backyard. He refuses to divulge specifics of how it works, except to fellow scientists. But he did reveal that it draws upon the latest breakthroughs in plasma shield technology.

“In layman’s terms, my force field is a wall of superheated, ionized gas compressed by magnetic fields until it’s so dense that nothing can pass through it — not even air molecules,” he explained.

Force fields have been a staple of science fiction since Star Trek and Lost in Space first aired on TV. Yet while the real-life nutty professor’s claims might sound outlandish, experts confirm that such technology is indeed within our reach.

Famed physicist Michio Kaku demonstrated in his book Physics of the Impossible that force fields are theoretically feasible. And Boeing recently patented a force field it’s developing for military vehicles, using plasma to deflect shockwaves from explosions. The shield is dubbed a “shockwave attenuation via electromagnetic arc.”

“The system creates a shell of ionized air — a plasma field — between an oncoming blast and the tank or Humvee,” explains science writer Jock Breakgrund.

He is skeptical, however, about the proposed Freedom Wall.

“Even if it such a device could be put in place, it would consume a staggering amount of energy,” he points out. “The cost to maintain it would be prohibitive.”

Nevertheless, North Carolina lawmakers are intrigued by news of the invention and want to hear more.

“Imagine if our state had something like this during the Civil War,” one observed. “We would have been able to keep the Yankees out and slaves in.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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HOW TO SCORE WITH A VAMPIRE: THE TOP 20 PICKUP LINES   Leave a comment

Landing a cool vampire boyfriend can be a snap, as Sookie Stackhouse does when she wins the heart of vampire Bill in HBO’s “True Blood.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW ORLEANS — Vampires are incredibly sexy and romantic, as anyone knows who’s seen the movie “Twilight,” or the hit HBO series “True Blood.” And you can snag a hot bloodsucker as a boyfriend or girlfriend using one of 20 surefire pickup lines from a knowledgeable insider.

Vinnie Banicelli spent 11 years as a bouncer at a trendy vampire bar in New Orleans, and he made note of the one-liners that worked best with attractive nosferatu.

“To hook up with vampires, it’s important to have a repertoire of pickup lines, just as it would be with ordinary people,” explains Banicelli, author of the upcoming book, Vampire Chic: Inside the Hidden World of the Undead.

“Most vampires come from a time when wit and courtly manners were highly prized. They’re attracted to people who are suave and debonair. They’re very picky when it comes to mates, but if you can show you have confidence and class, you can definitely score with them.”

Here, from the expert, are the top 20 pickup lines:

FROM WOMEN TO MALE VAMPIRES:

1. Are those fangs or are you just happy to see me?

2. That’s a nice looking cape. It would look even nicer on the floor at the foot of my bed.

3. You have permission to enter me anytime.

4. Do you really remember Cleopatra? (Vampire: “Yes.”) I’ll make you forget her!

5. You sound English. I can show you a bloody good time.

6. Hey big boy, I bet you can stay up all night.

7. I can make your heart beat again.

8. Will you turn into a bat for me? (Vampire: “Sure.”) A long, hard one?

9. Is there room for two in your coffin?

10. Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

 

Smoking van Helsing brides

Hot female vampires like these gals from the hit movie “Van Helsing” are not out of the reach of a regular Joe, if he has a good rap.

MEN TO FEMALE VAMPIRES:

1. Don’t worry, I won’t impale you…with a stake.

2. Baby, you’re so beautiful, I’d take 1,000 bites just to get one kiss from you.

3. Is it true what they say about lady vampires? That they really know how to suck?

4. You’re so beautiful, Van Helsing wouldn’t kill you.

5. You’re so sexy, you make me want to whip something out — and it’s not a crucifix.

6. Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.

7. Is that bloodlust I’m sensing — or just lust?

8. Is there anything human left in you? (Female vampire: “No.”) Would you like some?

9. If I said you have a beautiful corpse, would you hold it against me?

10. One hour with me and you’ll be seeing THREE reflections in a mirror.

Twilight_8

Sexually magnetic and highly romantic, vampires make great boyfriends, as illustrated in the hit “Twilight” movie series.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

SHARE YOUR BEST PICKUP LINE!

What’s your favorite pickup line for humans? Leave it in the Comments section.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

Houdini front only_edited-2

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest escape artist join forces to solve a baffling paranormal mystery.

 

More about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Read Hour of the Beast.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

Rich folks in China Having Face Lifts — to Look Different From Everybody Else!   Leave a comment

WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.

WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.

“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.

Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.

OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.

OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.

“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”

According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.

Super-rich Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this unique face.

FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.

The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.

“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”

Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.

Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”

The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.

The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE WOMAN HAS TATTOO OF EVERY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT.   Leave a comment

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincolnl

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincoln.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA – Right-wing talk radio host Debbie Gurvney does more than wear her political views on her sleeve. Her body is covered head to toe with tattoos of every Republican President!

The conservative cutie’s curvaceous caboose is adorned with the faces of the party’s greatest icons Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, while Herbert Hoover, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Ulysses S. Grant and other commanders in chief decorate her skin as well.

The outspoken hottie’s 36-24-36 bod also sports an elephant (the GOP mascot), plus familiar slogans including “Morning in America” and “Mission Accomplished.” And in addition to the presidents, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich holds a special place of honor: her bikini area.

“I thought of having President Bush there for obvious reasons, but I decided that would be disrespectful to the leader who kept us safe for eight years,” Debbie says reverently.

Debbie, 26, freely admits the tattoos are in part a publicity stunt to advertise her nationally syndicated show “Debbie Does D.C.,” scheduled to go on the air in six weeks. But she insists there’s more to it than that.

“It’s my way of showing how committed I am to the cause of conservatism at a time when our freedoms are under attack,” the perky pundit explains.

Debbie got her first tattoo, of George W. Bush,  in high school to show her support for the then-unpopular Iraq war and to thumb her nose at “my peacenik liberal parents.” Since then she’s added another GOP prez every few months.

When the bodacious blonde struts down Miami’s crowded South Beach in a skimpy bikini, she gets plenty of attention – and loves every minute of it.

“It gives me the opportunity to talk about issues such as cap and trade with young male voters who normally couldn’t care less about politics,” she explains. “Many of them don’t know a thing about Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan’s favorite president. But with his face right there between my breasts, it’s easy to bring him up.”

While Debbie adamantly opposes gay marriage, she doesn’t mind that lesbians also drool over her as she stretches out on a beach blanket working on her tan.

“When they ask me about the tattoos, I invite them to have a seat and apply sun block to my back,” says the family-values proponent. “As they’re rubbing lotion on The Gipper and Dubya, it gives me an opportunity to lecture them on the sanctity of traditional marriage and the benefits of conversion therapy.”

Debbie says her role model is famed political commentator Ann Coulter.

“I love that she’s young, attractive and hip, with an irreverent sense of humor,” she says. “I want to show America that not all Republicans are old, rich white men – some of us date old, rich white men!”

Feminists aren’t crazy about the luscious lady’s eye-popping fashion statement. They charge that by using her fabulous figure as a billboard, she’s become little more than a sex object. Debbie pooh poohs that argument.

“It doesn’t surprise me that old-school women’s libbers can’t handle this,” she laughed. “They think that every time a man looks at a pretty girl it’s sexual exploitation. And let’s be honest. Your typical frumpy Democrat woman like Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren couldn’t pull this off. I’m living proof that our women are hotter than their women – and we’re a lot more fun.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this story penned Hour of the Beast , hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

JUNGLE TRIBE’S LANGUAGE BASED ON WITHERING SARCASM   Leave a comment

REALLY? No, not really! Primitive Ngadi tribesmen use sarcastic speech and claps to communicate.

REALLY? No, not really! Primitive Ngadi tribesmen use sarcastic speech and claps to communicate.

C. Michael Forsyth

KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!

British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.

“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’

“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’

“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”

The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.

“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”

“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”

THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea's highlands is home to many primitive tribes.

THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.

Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.

“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”

The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).

VANISHED: Did explorer Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?

VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?

How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.

Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.

“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.

“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.

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