Archive for the ‘satire’ Tag
RULE No. 1: Never visit a remote cabin with no cell phone reception. Rule No. 2: Never go in the basement. Curt (Chris Hemsworth) and his pals commit horror no-nos.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Ever wonder why characters in horror movies choose the worst possible time and place to have sex? Why they descend into the pitch-black basement of a house that’s obviously haunted? Split up so they can be picked off one by one? All these questions and just about every other you’ve asked yourself while munching popcorn are answered in The Cabin in the Woods.
Produced and co-written by Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Cabin in the Woods is a tour de force that works as a horror film, workplace comedy and genre-demolishing satire. It’s Westworld meets Wrong Turn meets Evil Dead, to mention just three of the innumerable movies to which it plays loving homage and/or gleefully skewers.
In the movie, five young college students fitting neatly into recognizable types vacation in an isolated cabin where horrific events begin to unfold. Unbeknownst to them, everything is being orchestrated by a cadre of puppet masters in a vast underground complex. The staff includes managers, technicians, accountants, maintenance workers and even geeky interns. (I don’t consider all this a spoiler since it’s revealed within the first three minutes — if you didn’t already figure it out from the trailer).
MONSTERS, INC. Horror is all in a day's work for company guys and gal Richard Jenkins, Amy Acker & Bradley Whitford.
The film derives much of its humor from the high jinks of these Dilbert-type drones. At one point, the bored-out-of-their-skulls staffers organize a betting pool on what horror the hapless vacationers will face first. En route to the cabin, the students ignore the cryptic warnings of a creepy old gas station attendant. When the guy later calls in to report, the staff puts him on speaker phone and giggle as he continues to drone on ominously.
WHO watches the watchers? Holden (Jesse Williams) happens upon a one-way mirror as Dana AKA The Virgin (Kristen Connolly) strips.
The concept is thought-provoking. What we generally think of as stereotypes – the Virgin, the Whore, the Jock, the Brain, the Comic Relief — are elevated to archetypes. It’s the best deconstruction of the horror genre since Scream, on a level that would impress Bruno Bettleheim, the celebrated analyst of fairytales.
RULE No. 3: Never allow yourself to be trapped in a siege situation.
Some critics describe the movie as an allegory for the process of filmmaking itself. How can you argue? The staffers even call their mysterious boss “The Director.” Beneath that layer of meaning, there’s also a wry commentary about our surveillance society. Marty, the wisecracking pothead paranoiac and “The Fool” of the group, points out that “Society isn’t falling apart, it’s coming together.” As he puts it, the “cracks are filling in” as technology devours privacy and living off the grid becomes increasingly impossible.
DUMBED DOWN: Jules (Anna Hutchinson) shows poor judgement after going blonde.
Tropes of the horror genre are simultaneously observed and lampooned. Sexy pre-med student Jules (Anna Hutchison) has just dyed her hair blonde when the story begins and it’s later revealed that a chemical secretly placed in the dye makes Jules, AKA “The Whore” act stupid.
While not likely to make you quiver in fear, the movie meets the basic requirements of a horror film: Suspense, characters you root for, formidable dangers and enough gore to satisfy fans of traditional horror flicks.
POTHEAD Marty (Fran Kranz) wields an unlikely weapon.
Brawny Chris Hemsworth (Thor in The Avengers) delivers a winning performance as Curt, the brave Jock. Fran Kranz earns plenty of chuckles as Marty, the Fool. He fills the position Shaggy did in Scooby Doo and looks the part as well. But the real stars here are Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins as the world-weary managers of the operation. Whitford, best known for his role as White House Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman on TV’s The West Wing sends up his in-control, seen-it-all image with obvious relish. And Jenkins, looking like a worn-out NASA engineer, is even more droll and cynical than he was as the disembodied dad in HBO’s Six Feet Under.
The climax of the film is in keeping with its blend of humor and horror — way, way over the top, in a good way.
SPEAKING OF JOSS WHEDON…
HORROR and comedy were perfectly blended in Joss Whedon's TV series "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
No one mixes comedy and horror better than Joss Whedon, as I’m learning right now as I watch TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time on Netflix. Somehow I managed to miss the series when it debuted in the late ’90s. I’m blown away by how good it is – one of the handful of TV series, along with Highlander, that is far superior to the film that inspired it.
The playfulness is pure joy. In the episode I saw last night, Xander believes Willow has turned into a vampire and thrusts a crucifix in her face. When she fails to recoil, he shakes it like a flashlight that might need its batteries jiggled.
WHEN Angel was good he was good and when he was bad, he was very, very bad.
But drama is equally well handled. The brilliant storytelling is displayed when Buffy loses her virginity to good-guy vampire Angel. Following convention, love might cure him of vampirism. Instead, in an inversion of Beauty and the Beast, he becomes evil, his soul ejected from his body. In the hands of a less talented writer, the next scene would be Angel bursting into Buffy’s room, fangs bared. Instead he simply acts like a jerk, humiliating her by showing her the night of passion meant nothing to him. Far more sadistic. And, since this is an experience many a young woman will recognize, it helps to ground the series in reality, keeping it a coming of age story as well as a butt-kicking action/adventure show. The more you watch Buffy, the worse
Twilight looks by comparison.
The intensely dramatic and horrific is always leavened by wit. In the episode in which fellow vampire slayer Kendra dies tragically she first gives Buffy her “lucky stake” — which she has nicknamed “Mr. Pointy.” In the same episode Buffy’s watcher Giles sheepishly admits that he’s been using the crystal orb that can restore Angel’s soul as a paperweight.
BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS weren't the only things Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) had to worry about.
I’m only midway through Season 3 and have already met so many wonderful characters, most memorably Spike, the cockney vampire with the Billy Idol hair and penchant for puppy love. By turns terrifying and laughable, James Marsters is absolutely magnetic in the role. (He won the poll of Sexiest Male Screen Vampire on this site by a landslide). Speaking recently to a publisher who uses Marsters for a lot of audio books, I was surprised to learn the star isn’t even English!
Spike (James Marsters) is the bloodsucking blond British punk you love to hate in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
I love how characters are allowed to evolve. A pitfall of many series is that characters remain exactly as originally written and are unaffected by the events that befall them. Most infamously Dana Scully in X Files, who is skeptical of werewolves even after battling vampires.
DROPPING his English reserve, Giles became a father figure to Buffy.
Buffy’s mentor Rupert Giles (Anthony Head) could have been a thankless role: a character like Bosley in
Charlie’s Angels who does little more than provide exposition then step out of the way to let the girls swing into action. Instead, he develops a tender father-daughter relationship with Buffy that is the backbone of the series. He’s allowed to have romances. And the shy British librarian is not above opening a jar of good old English whup ass to save Buffy’s bum from time to time.
ANY role in which you get to wear an eye patch ain't all bad. Nicholas Brendon as Xander.
In fact there are no thankless roles in Whedon’s world. Xander, initially merely a goofball, becomes an increasingly heroic figure, always willing to charge into battle though lacking any special powers. This “geek” eventually gets to kiss almost every girl on the show. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce (Alexis Denisof), who briefly assumes the role of Buffy’s watcher and is even stuffier than Giles, is insufferable. And rich-bitch Cordelia is intractably airheaded. Yet even they get a chance to evolve into heroes themselves in the Buffy spinoff Angel.
ANNOYING Wesley and Cordelia developed into interesting characters in the spin-off series Angel.
Though the show premiered nearly 15 years ago, it doesn’t seem dated – you barely notice that the teens don’t text. Some aspects of high school are universal. You will always have good girls, snobs, class clowns and nerds. As in Cabin in the Woods, there are some archetypes that just don’t die. Or sometimes die violently.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Plans for a major motion picture are now in the works!
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
YOUNG OBAMA has law books behind him here, but a mug shot may show a police height chart instead, according to a leading critic.
By C. Michael Forsyth
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — An outspoken conservative multi-millionaire is offering a $10 million reward for President Barack Obama’s lost mug shot!
Harlan Prentbody, 74, says he put the enormous bounty on the decades-old arrest photo in the interest of the “public’s right to know.”
“There are a whole bunch of other items I’d like to get my hands on, but Obama’s missing mug shot is the Holy Grail,” the Colorado businessman told reporters. “It’s concrete proof that our so-called ‘commander in chief’ is not as squeaky clean as the mainstream media would have us believe.”
Rumors that such a photo might exist have been circulating on the Internet for years, he claims.
“The sad reality is the vast majority of black men in America have been arrested at one point in their lives. There’s no proof that isn’t true of Obama,” Prentbody points out. “So where’s the mug shot? Did it mysteriously ‘disappear’ from an FBI file drawer? Or did government goons march into some Chicago police station and force ‘Officer O’Reilly’ to hand it over at gunpoint?
“The American people have a right to see that photograph.”
Besides the presidential mug shot, here are a dozen other items the conspiracy theory-loving fat cat is willing to shell out big bucks for:
No. 1) Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate — $5 million. “Trying to prove Barack’s Hawaiian birth certificate is a forgery is getting us nowhere,” explained the businessman, who has devoted a third of his huge fortune to funding various right-wing causes. “Let’s try to solve this case by working from the other end.”
THIS is what Obama's boyhood neighbors REALLY looked like, according to Birthers.
No. 2) The original 666 Social Security Card — $2 million. According to the White House, the President’s social security number is 042-68-4425. But rumor has it the number on his original card was 042-66-6425 — including the digits 666, the number of the Beast. “The Social Security Administration claims it never assigns numbers including that sequence to anyone,” asserts Prentbody. “So the fact that it was somehow issued to Obama would be incontrovertible proof that he’s the Antichrist.”
No. 3) President Obama’s personal Koran — $1 million. “Every president since George Washington has kept a holy book in his night table to consult in a time of great crisis,” according to the controversial businessman. “Obama is no different, except that everyone suspects he takes his spiritual marching orders from the Koran. The book with his name in the ‘property of’ blank, in his own handwriting, is rock-solid proof he’s a Muslim.”
THE KORAN (also spelled Quran) is the holy book of Islam.
No. 4) The Communist Party membership card — $500,000. “Is he now, or has he ever been a member of the Communist Party? No one knows for sure,” says Prentbody. “But an authentic 1983 Communist Party membership card with a photo of ‘Barry,’ afro and all, will prove that the guy really is a Marxist.”
No. 5) Obama’s blonde girlfriend photo — $250,000. “Elitist liberals think of Obama as ‘safe’ because he has this Cosby-type family and his black wife Michelle,” argues the tycoon. “But you can be darned sure in college an ‘uppity’ guy like that used his rap to get into the drawers of at least one all all-American cheerleader he could show off like a trophy to all his homeboys. A picture of Mr. Perfect arm and arm with ‘Brittany’ will expose their golden boy for the phony he is, once and for all.”
UPPITY? A damning picture like this one from the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" could torpedo Obama's image.
No. 6) Surrender letter to Iran – $100,000. “Everyone’s heard the rumors that Obama sent a signed letter of surrender to Tehran giving up in the war before it’s even fought,” says Prentbody. “If our hippie peacenik president is guilty of ‘premature capitulation,’ we need to find out.”
No. 7) The Sarah Palin Voodoo Doll — $80,000. When then Alaska Governor Sarah Palin first emerged on the national stage in 2008, she was hailed as a political superstar who would breathe new life into John McCain’s faltering political campaign. “Within days things started going wrong, she couldn’t seem to think straight and has been ridiculed for mistakes again and again ever since,” the industrialist points out. “Voodoo originates in Africa. Coincidence?”
WELL-PLACED pins in the head of a voodoo doll could easily make the victim talk like a blithering idiot.
No. 8) Osama Bin Laden’s Presidential Pardon — $50,000. The fact that Osama’s death photo was never released has led some to suggest that his death was faked by the White House, with the terror chief’s full cooperation. “Part of the deal could be that Bin Laden is pardoned for his murders in exchange for lying low,” says the business leader.
OSAMA is dead as a doornail -- or is he?
No. 9) Masai Warrior Lion Teeth Necklace – $25,000. The Masai are a tribe of African warriors who live in Kenya, where members of the Birther movement claim President Obama was really born. “The initiation ritual of every Masai boy is to kill a lion with his bare hands,” according to the political crusader. “You bring me Obama’s lion teeth necklace and I’ll show you proof positive that he was not only born in darkest Africa, he was raised in his homeland until at least the age of 13.”
LION FANG necklace could prove Obama's incredible courage -- and that his presidency is illegal.
No. 10) Obama’s “Get Out of Jail Free” Card — $10,000. Constitutional experts are divided as to whether a president can pardon himself – but President Obama could be planning to put the theory to the test. “Smart as the guy thinks he is, Barack Hussein Obama is going to get into a scandal, just like so many presidents before him,” Prentbody claims. “The difference is only he is arrogant enough to try this. He may have already typed up this pardon ‘for any crimes I may commit’, signed and dated it and tucked it away for a rainy day.
“When we impeach him, he can whip out this card and say, ‘Screw you, Mr. Charlie.’ The cocky son of a gun obviously thinks he’s too good to serve his time behind bars with the ‘brothers’ who didn’t go to Harvard. ”
TINY slip of paper could keep Obama from being impeached and sent to jail.
No. 11) The missing mix tape — $5,000. Back in the ’80s, every true soul brother created a mix tape of music to play on his boom box or groove to as his car “bounced along through the hood,” according to the multi-millionaire. “Americans have a right to know what’s on that tape. Is it obscenity-laced gansta rap about killing cops? Or, who knows, maybe it will turn out Obama loved Burt Bacharach tunes? That would certainly take some of the glamour away from this man who’s supposed to be the first ‘black’ president, wouldn’t it? Maybe Obama really isn’t black enough after all.”
FAMED Gangsta rapper Ice Cube put fear into white America.
No. 12) The Prom Video – $1,000. “Lost footage of Obama at his senior dance could speak volumes about who this man truly is,” says Prentbody. “Do we catch him going completely ghetto and freak-dancing with every girl with ‘back,’ regardless of race? Or will the video show that he has no rhythm at all, that the man now sitting in the Oval Office literally has no soul?”
LAME dance moves, like these executed by TV's beloved Steve Urkel could prove Obama is truly not black enough to be president.
Prentbody is quick to point out that forgery is a crime and he doesn’t want to be inundated with a mountain of poorly Photoshopped documents and pictures.
“That would be playing right into the hands of Obama and his cronies,” he said. “It would give the media an excuse to call patriots like us a bunch of rightwing kooks or something.”
C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Plans for a major motion picture are now in the works!
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
HOLY BOOKSHELF of Nazareth is nearly 2,000 years old, experts say.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CANTERBURY, England — Missing for 800 years, a bookshelf built by Jesus Christ in His father’s carpentry shop has resurfaced in an elderly English woman’s home!
The Holy Bookshelf of Nazareth has been authenticated by a leading expert, who used radiocarbon dating to confirm that it was built approximately 2,000 years ago.
“The cedar from which the shelves are made is genetically identical to trees in a grove less than half a mile outside the ancient town of Nazareth,” says Dr. Lionel Getting. “Hebrew lettering engraved on a small plaque on the back indicates that it was made by ‘Joseph and Sons,’ believed to be the name of the shop owned by Our Lord’s earthly father.
“There is no doubt in my mind that this is indeed the genuine article.”
JESUS was a competent carpenter.
The bookshelf is considered one of the most sacred pieces of furniture in Christendom, second only to the Holy End Tables of Antioch, which are said to be hewn from the cross on which Jesus was crucified, and which are now housed in the Vatican.
According to legend, the bookcase was spirited out of the Holy Land after Crusaders sacked Constantinople in 1204 A.D. It resurfaced last December in the basement of Mrs. Helen Goldbolt of Canterbury, who was using it to store jars of preserves and odds and ends.
“It had been in our family for many generations,” she told a newspaper. “I had no idea it might be valuable until a plumber working in the basement saw it and suggested I have it appraised.”
The appraiser immediately recognized the object’s antiquity and contacted Dr. Getting, a university expert who was struck by its resemblance to medieval drawings of the shelves. Thrilled, he promptly launched an investigation.
“When I realized what it was, I was dumbstruck,” Dr. Getting remembers.
Despite its incredible age, the bookshelf is in extraordinary condition, having miraculously survived through the eons when most wooden furniture made at the time has long since fallen apart. What’s more, it appears to have strange paranormal properties. Mrs. Goldbolt claims that food placed on the shelves never decays.
“Once I accidentally left a carton of milk on the top shelf,” the 78-year-old widow recalls. “Three months later it wasn’t spoiled.”
Profane objects don’t fare as well.
“The bookshelf was in my son’s bedroom when he was in his teens and he stored his collection of girlie magazines on the bottom shelf,” Mrs. Goldbolt says. “One day they burst into flames. They were reduced to ashes, but the shelves weren’t even singed.”
AT AN EARLY AGE, Jesus learned the trade of carpentry from His earthly father Joseph.
The nails used in the shelves’ construction match those employed by Hebrew carpenters in the 1st Century A.D. and recovered from archaeological digs. However, astonishingly, there is no sign of rust.
How the bookshelf survived two millennia is especially baffling because there is nothing out of the ordinary in how it is put together.
“Though by no means shoddily constructed, the Holy Bookshelf was made with no frills. For example only the minimal possible number of nails were used to adhere the vertical back cleats,” the expert notes. “This is entirely consistent with the Bible, which suggests that while Jesus was a smashing success as the Savior of mankind, He was a mediocre carpenter. Unlike His younger brother James, He had little interest in following His earthly father’s footsteps in the family business.
“As we now know, He had bigger fish to fry.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
ANOTHER satisfied customer. Hour of the Beast sold like hotcakes at the Mad Monster Party.
Had a great time as a vendor hawking my horror novel Hour of the Beast at the Mad Monster Party convention in Charlotte, N.C. the weekend of March 23rd. I scared the pants off guest Traci Lords, the famed former porn princess. Oops, bad choice of words. What I mean is that when she took a gander at the werewolf hand in a jar I keep as a prop on my table, she leapt back in horror and almost shrieked. BTW, she looks fantastic – you’d swear she was 25.
NAKED FEAR: Former under age porn star Traci Lords has appeared in dozens of mainstream films including “Not of this Earth” and “Blade.”
I saw two awesome screenings. One was the pilot for a TV show called “Ghost Trek.” A hilarious faux reality show, it’s like “Reno 911” with ghost hunters. The other is an indie film titled “Nail Biter.” One of the best horror films I’ve seen in years, putting most big studio fare to shame. Look for my review in my next post.
A highlight was getting to meet one of my favorite actors of all time, the great Chris Sarandon – a star who was a better vampire than Christopher Lee and a better Jesus than Max von Sydow! If you only know Sarandon from the original “Fright Night” you know how charismatic he is – managing to be sexier in the role of bloodsucker Jerry Dandridge than hunk Colin Farrell was in the remake. But check him out in other roles, from Al Pacino’s transsexual mate in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a macho cop in “Child’s Play” – and you’ll have a sense of his range. His acting choices are fascinating. There’s a scene in “The Day Christ Died” when Jesus is slapped, illustrating the turn the other cheek lesson. Chris, as Jesus, slowly turns the other cheek – AFTER he looks like he wants to slug the other guy. A Jesus who’s truly human and for once, a Jesus who’s actually interesting.
C. Michael Forsyth with screen legend Chris Sarandon. When my kids see “Fright Night” I can reassure them “Hey, look, he’s not scary, he’s a friend of Dad.” If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell them, “Look how much bigger Dad is than the vampire. Don’t you think he could kick his butt?”
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
LORD Donald Trump will be legally entitled to attend White House affairs.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Move over, Prince Charles. America will soon have an aristocracy of its very own!
Congress is poised to pass the American Achievement Recognition Act, which will allow successful U.S. citizens to purchase ranks such as lord, lady, duke and earl!
“If the bill passes, a wealthy citizen like Bill Gates or Donald Trump could pay $1 billion to become a lord,” explained a Capitol Hill source familiar with the pending legislation.
“Entertainers who truly wish to be known as ‘Hollywood royalty’ now can. Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian would have the opportunity to shell out $100 million for the privilege of being called duchess.”
The act could raise an estimated $500 billion a year, according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office and would help to swiftly erase the national debt. The bill, now making its way through committee, enjoys support from both sides of the aisle.
“The Dems like it because it raises revenue primarily from the richest 1 percent,” revealed the Washington insider. “We conservatives like it because it’s an alternative to new taxes and it rewards achievement, allowing successful Americans to distinguish themselves from the crowd.”
DUCHESS Kim Kardashian will be even more glamorous with an aristocratic title.
Although details of the legislation are still being hammered out, an early draft suggested the following price guide:
Lord = $ 1 billion
Duke = $ 100 million
Marquess = $10 million
Earl = $5 million
Viscount = $1million
Baron = $500,000
Knight =$100,000
BARONESS Paris Hilton, seen here in one of her mug shots, would face a jury of her noble peers next time she's in trouble.
The new law, if carefully worded, can avoid any violation of Article 1, Section 9, of the Constitution, according to legal scholars.
Though the titles are largely honorific, certain perks will come along with each rank. Lords will automatically be granted invitations to important White House ceremonies and parties for foreign dignitaries. Since the U.S. Constitution already mandates that a person can only be judged by a jury of his peers, a noble will have the right to a jury made up of people of equal rank.
“This will be helpful to folks like Paris Hilton, who tend to find themselves in legal hot water from time to time,” the source explains. “Other successful individuals are likely to be more sympathetic.”
Newspapers and other media will be legally required to refer to aristocrats by their titles. Failure to abide by the law will be punished by a stiff fine.
“If a news station errs, it could be penalized by as much as $100,000 by the FCC,” said a high-ranking congressional aide who helped draft the legislation.
WE ARE NOT AMUSED: Prince Charles and other British royals will not be happy to hear that America has its own aristocracy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article has written a spine-tingling new book. C. Michael Forsyth's new horror novel Hour of the Beast is "very diificult to put down," a Reader Favorites reviewer declares.
You can check out Hour of the Beast by visiting Amazon.com, or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle edition is just $7 and an Ebook is a measly $5!
A firm voice and an understanding of animal psychology are key to training a werewolf.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ZURICH — Is your werewolf’s constant misbehavior driving you crazy? Stop pulling your hair out and enroll your wolfman in one of four obedience schools that have cropped up in Switzerland.
At institutions like the Lycanthrope Academy outside Zurich, ill-mannered man-beasts are trained to become docile and obedient.
“Werewolves come here tearing up furniture, chasing postmen and sullenly ignoring commands,” states Juergan Lichtenwalter, director of the school. “They leave here helpful companions that will obey orders instantly and even delight their masters’ guests with a variety of tricks.”
Werewolves are common household pets in Switzerland, Germany and France, and function in a broad range of service roles as well. Some serve as guard dogs, rescue animals, sheep herders, drug sniffers and of course companions to the blind.
When well trained, the loyal and intelligent creatures can be wonderful in all those roles, outshining even German shepherds. But unruly, poorly trained and disobedient werewolves can be a nightmare.
“Before we brought King to the obedience school, he was always leaving poop around the house and no amount of swats on the behind with rolled up newspaper would stop him,” reveals Annalise Landenber, 42. “He wouldn’t quit humping my leg. And once, when I tried to take our milkman’s femur away from him, he snapped at me.
“King wouldn’t even answer to his own name. But after six weeks at the school, he’s like a whole new wolfman. If you say ‘Come,’ he comes. ‘Roll over’ or ‘Beg’ and he rolls over and begs.”
The exclusive Lycanthrope Academy, which opened its doors three years ago, accepts only pedigreed werewolves, while its three imitators train mixed breeds as well.
The owners of the academy refuse to divulge their training methods, calling them a “trade secret.” But the director disputes accusations on an animal rights blog that cattle prods and silver canes are used to cow the creatures into submission.
“Our approach draws upon the latest research in both animal and human psychology,” explains Licthenwalter. “Once you understand that a werewolf has two sides – the canine side that is pack-oriented, intuitive and uninhibited and the human side, which is intelligent and rational — it’s mostly a matter of communicating with them in a gentle but firm manner.
“You have to show them that you love them, but also who’s the boss.”
Ms. Landenber, an administrative assistant and mother of four, couldn’t be happier.
“I’m seriously thinking about entering him in the big contest in Geneva this fall,” she reveals. “I think he could win Best in Show.”
A good candidate for obedience school.
On the Hour of the Beast front, the book launch party for my new horror novel was a smashing success! A good time was had by readers who packed Fiction Addiction in Greenville, SC. You can get the scoop on this bone-chilling werewolf story by clicking HERE.
My book launch party at Fiction Addiction drew readers from all walks of life, from sewing teacher Eileen Bunch to contractor Sam Lewis.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
IF you wind up in Hell, you won’t see scenes like this anymore
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
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Terror lurks in the woods in this short video on the website for Hour of the Beast.
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