Feisty adult movie actress Stormy Daniels, President Trump’s alleged gal pal, has won the hearts of millions of Americans. The overnight sensation is so popular, some voters now believe our hot-to-trot commander in chief should kick his wife Melania to the curb—and make the super-sexy porn queen his next First Lady!
“Stormy is not only younger and hotter than Melania, she’s much wittier and more personable–and unlike Melania, she was born right here in America,” enthused one ardent member of team Stormy. “She’s a savvy businesswoman who came from nothing and made it to the top, which is what this country is all about. She would make an unconventional and fascinating First Lady.”
This wouldn’t be the first time President Trump has traded in a spouse for a newer model. He cheated on first wife Ivana Trump and divorced her in 1992 to marry mistress Marla Maples, then cheated on Marla, dumped her in 1999, and married model girlfriend Melania.
Wife No. 1 Ivana Trump
Wife No. 2 Marla Maples
“If history is any guide, Mr. Trump is due for an upgrade,” points out a Capitol Hill insider. “Melania is 47 and showing wear and tear. Stormy is 38. She also bears as a closer resemblance to his daughter Ivanka as the President himself noted, which is a real plus in his book.”
Most Americans had never heard of the bosomy bombshell until the story surfaced that she and the Prez had a steamy affair. While furious fans of the flamboyant billionaire have raked her over the coals for sullying their leader’s reputation, observers give her high marks for wit in the face of adversity. When one Trump supporter blasted her as a “scank” on Twitter, she calmly tweeted back, “The correct spelling is skank.”
Stormy has won numerous prestigious awards in her industry, including Best New Starlet, Best Breasts and Best Performance in a Safe Sex Scene. The actress was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 2014. What’s more, her brains match her beauty. She’s also an award-winning screenwriter and director. While it may be hard to imagine the bottom-baring blonde rubbing shoulders with Washington big wigs, she’s no stranger to the political scene. Stormy launched a campaign against Republican Senator David Vitter in Louisiana in 2010.
If Trump marries Stormy, she would be the sexiest First Lady in U.S. history.
However, defenders of Melania insist it’s too soon to count her out. They note that the Slovenian immigrant was given special permission to enter the United States because of an unspecified “special talent.”
“That suggests that she’s sort of a genius in one area,” says a voter who wants Melania to hang onto the First Lady job. “And remember, Stormy is no spring chicken either. Porn sites now describe her as a MILF.”
What do you think? Do you belong to team Melania or team Stormy?
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Choreographers, band leaders and military school drill instructors from across America are flooding the White House with suggestions for a unique new marching step for Donald Trump’s upcoming military parade. The proposed steps run the gamut from modified versions of standard marches to highly creative moves inspired by such sources as Hollywood musicals and animal gaits.
“It’s fairly common for world leaders to be honored with personalized marches,” says Eugene Chesterfold, who has choreographed parades for numerous feature films. “Most famously, Adolf Hitler’s troops used the Stechmarsh, better known as the Goose Step, and over the years many other strongmen including Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, Idi Amin, the Shah of Iran and North Korea’s current ruler Kim Jong Un have had distinctive marching styles developed for them.
“For President Trump, our team has come up with a step inspired by his own personal experience with the military. It’s called the Bone Spur Hop. A typical bone spur, like the one that kept Mr. Trump from serving in Vietnam, is the bump a lady gets from wearing high heels, and she may “hop” a bit to keep pressure off that foot. So, the first thing you’ll notice in our march is a jaunty little hop the soldiers take while walking.
“We’ve videotaped a dozen volunteers from the local high school doing the march and submitted it to the White House. Now we’re holding our breath, hoping that our step will be selected for the parade out of the thousands of other submissions.”
MILITARY MAN: Donald Trump’s vigorous days of drilling at boarding school actually gave him more military experience than most who served in Vietnam, the President says.
The Bone Spur Hop has plenty of stiff competition. The imaginative submissions include some drawn from Hollywood classics such as Yankee Doodle Dandy. Other marches are adapted from the stepping dances made famous by African-American fraternities, or incorporate the movements of movie monsters such as those in The Walking Dead, or animals including chimpanzees and roosters. A step called The Strutting Chicken is considered a strong contender for the Trump military parade.
CHICKEN STRUT: The confident stride of a barnyard rooster has inspired a step befitting our “cocky” Commander in Chief.
“Some of these videos just take your breath away when you picture our President standing at a reviewing stand and looking down at his troops marching by behind the tanks and missile carriers,” said a White House source. “Other videos you look at and you just say to yourself, ‘Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?’”
THE GOOSE STEP was popularized by Nazi madman Adolph Hitler.
The Goose Step is of course the most recognizable parade marching style. Troops swing their legs in unison off the ground while keeping each leg straight and unbent. Variations of it—some rather outlandish and flamboyant—are used by militaries in various nations in Asia, Africa and South America. But many other steps are used in military parades across the world. These include the Quick March, typically used by Scotland’s Highland regiments, which march to bagpipe music at 112 paces per minute. The Slow March, in which the feet are kept parallel to the ground and arms are never used, is the traditional step of the French Foreign Legion, and is also commonly used for funeral marches.
The militaries of India and Pakistan are known for their unique marching styles.
Are you interested in proposing a march for President Trump’s military parade? For inspiration, check out this footage of unusual marching styles from around the globe. When you’ve developed your step, recruit a group of friends to practice it. Video your routine and upload it to Youtube, then send the link to the White House . Or put your video on a DVD and mail it to:
Trump Parade Steps, The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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U.S. President Donald Trump is reportedly set to establish his own private spy agency—and you can help come up with a catchy name for our leader’s new secret police.
“The Trump administration is considering a set of proposals developed by Blackwater founder Erik Prince and a retired CIA officer—with assistance from Oliver North, a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal—to provide the White House with a global, private spy network that would circumvent official U.S. intelligence agencies, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials and others familiar with the proposals,” The Intercept reports.
“The sources say the plans have been pitched to the White House as a means of countering ‘deep state’ enemies in the intelligence community seeking to undermine Donald Trump’s presidency.”
The President’s personal spy agency will likely have its own emblem, similar to that of the KGB, once run by Trump pal Vladimir Putin.
Blackwater is the shady mercenary outfit that played a key role in the occupation of Iraq. Its founder Prince already has a cozy relationship with Trump: his sister is controversial Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Trump’s personal spy agency will report only to the president and will be funded by wealthy donors. The Mission: Impossible-style secret agents won’t carry out operations against Russia. Instead, they’ll combat what Trump considers the “real” enemy: the CIA, NSA, FBI, Defense Intelligence Agency, Office of Naval Intelligence, Air Force Intelligence and all of America’s other intelligence agencies. And, unlike the CIA, no law will prevent it from pursuing targets in the U.S.
In the beloved TV series “Get Smart,” agent Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) worked for a secret organization named Control.
All that Trump’s spanking new secret police is missing is a name. Below are some possibilities. Choose your favorite, or if none catch your fancy, come up with a suggestion of your own. We’ll send the most popular picks in this poll, plus readers’ three most catchy suggestions, to the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., where President Trump himself will make the final choice. (Note: KGB has already been taken).
Soviet strongman Joseph Stalin created an elite security force called the NKVD.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — To keep Donald Trump’s tax returns from the public, IRS officials are securing them in an impregnable safe in a locked room no one is allowed to enter. But a top expert in keeping dangerous documents out of the wrong hands says that doesn’t go nearly far enough.
“That safe should be encased in a hermetically sealed titanium vault,” said Herman Klausgrove, an advisor to the Vatican. “The vault should be placed in the cargo hold of a submarine and the doors to both the cargo hold and the sub welded shut. The submarine could then be scuttled in the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench, with all records of the exact location shredded, then burned.”
THE MARIANA TRENCH, more than 7 miles deep, is literally the bottom of the sea.
Klausgrove is unquestionably the leading expert in the field. He is credited with concealing numerous books and manuscripts deemed unsafe for public consumption, many associated with the occult. These include Adolf Hitler’s personal copy of the notorious Oera Linda, said to contain powerful 4,000-year-old spells from Atlantis, and dubbed the Bible of the Third Reich.
Most recently, the expert deep-sixed the original copy of the Grand Grimoire, also known as the Red Dragon or the Gospel of Satan, purportedly written by Honorius of Thebes while possessed by Lucifer and discovered in the tomb of King Solomon. The Necromonicon-like book is chockful of blasphemous incantations, demon-raising rites and occult spells – including one potent enough to compel even a Pope submit to the Devil. While the age-old tome was long kept under lock and key in a secret Vatican archive, last year Pope Francis made the decision to hide it somewhere even safer.
THE GRAND GRIMOIRE, one of the most dangerous books on Earth
“The book is impervious to fire and even attempts to destroy it with acid and explosives have failed,” Klausgrove explained. “The only alternative was to put it somewhere it could never be found again.”
The crafty specialist refused to divulge anything about where he ferreted away the Grand Grimoire, but hinted that the public would be very surprised to learn the answer.
“Sometimes the trick is to hide an object in plain sight,” he said coyly.
Trump’s tax returns became a subject of controversy during the 2016 campaign, when unlike every other past presidential candidate, he refused to release them. At the time, the flamboyant real estate tycoon vowed that he would let voters see them once he was elected, but soon after he was inaugurated, a spokesman declared that the returns would never see the light of day.
CANDIDATE Trump swore that he would release his tax returns if elected.
There has been renewed interest in the President’s taxes after he pushed through a tax reform bill that could cut the money he pays Uncle Sam by an estimated $1 billion. Reporters have been eager to take a peek at the forbidden documents, one calling it “the Holy Grail of White House reporting.” But the IRS has redoubled efforts to keep them from the public eye.
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen recently told Politico magazine, “It’s in a locked cabinet in a locked room that nobody’s in. You’ll need a key to the room and the cabinet to get it. We’re in the process of turning that cabinet into a safe.”
But Klausgrove warns that a determined safe cracker might retrieve the documents.
“If the contents of those returns came to light, the fallout might be as devastating as reading aloud from any of the unholy texts I’ve hidden over the years.”
READING aloud from a forbidden book bound in human skin can have unforeseen consequences, as characters learn in the movie The Evil Dead.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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For more than 200 years, the restless spirit of Benedict Arnold has haunted West Point, cursed by George Washington himself to roam, earthbound, “as long as you are the greatest traitor in our nation’s history.” But now the curse appears to have been broken and the tortured ghost released — thanks to Russian-backed President Donald Trump!
Soon after Mr. Trump’s cozy relationship with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin came to light, four cadets at West Point — sworn to truthfulness in their honor code — claim they saw General Arnold’s eerie form walk into a beam of white light and vanish.
“The ghost gave a small, grateful smile and waved to us, then he slowly dissolved until there was nothing there,” reported one of the eyewitnesses.
A special counsel is currently investigating allegations that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian officials who interfered with the U.S. presidential election — in return for Trump’s guarantee that if elected, he’d lift sanctions against America’s adversary.
“The apparition has not been seen since May 17, the night after the special prosecutor was appointed. We can’t be sure if President Trump’s actions lifted the centuries-old curse, but it’s hard to believe the timing is coincidental,” observed Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.
THUMBS UP: President Trump scored yet another victory by lifting curse on Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold’s role as America’s most infamous traitor during the Revolutionary War is well known to every schoolchild. Once a highly esteemed Major General in the Continental Army, he secretly switched sides in the middle of the war. Arnold had been put in command of American fortifications at West Point (future site of the military academy) and in 1780, he conspired with British spies to turn the fort over to the Red Coats. The plot was foiled just in time and Arnold escaped, joining the King’s forces.
The turncoat waged a bloody campaign against his former compatriots. Most notoriously, he massacred patriots at Fort Griswold in his native Connecticut and burned down the nearby towns of Groton and New London, spreading desolation and woe in the region.
After the war, Arnold fled to England, where he lived out the remainder of his life bearing a blackened name synonymous with treason.
“In 1801, Benedict Arnold became deathly ill and fell into a state of delirium for four days,” revealed Greavesby. “He told relatives surrounding his deathbed that he had been visited by the spirit of George Washington, who’d died two years earlier. He fearfully told them that General Washington had put a curse on him, then just hours later he passed away.”
Over the succeeding years, Benedict Arnold’s spectral figure has been spotted by scores of witnesses, making nighttime rounds atop the walls of West Point.
“He’s described as wearing a grim expression and sometimes mournfully mouthing the words, ‘Forgive me,’” said Greavesby.
Abbott and Costello in The Time of Our Lives
The Benedict Arnold Curse is said to have inspired the 1946 Abbott and Costello comedy The Time of Our Lives. In the film, tubby funnyman Costello plays a patriotic Revolutionary War tinker named Horatio Prim who is mistaken for a traitor and shot. His ghost is cursed to be earthbound “until the crack of doom,” unless it can be proven he was really a patriot.
Descendants of Arnold are relieved that their forebear has at long last been released from his earthly bonds.
“If Mr. Trump’s actions truly are responsible for Benedict’s salvation, he has our family’s eternal gratitude,” said great-great-great-great granddaughter Mrs. Millicent Killheady-White of London.
In popular fiction, Benedict Arnold’s ghost has battled Robin and Batgirl, as well as the Scooby Doo gang.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Have a wonderful Memorial Day — because odds are it will be the last one you ever celebrate. In May of 2018, if you’re like most Americans, you’ll be celebrating President Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day instead!
Earlier this year, President Trump proclaimed May 1 an official Loyalty Day, and holiday planners say it’s unlikely that from now on most U.S. citizens will plan two big backyard barbecue events in a single month.
“Patriots who want to show their loyalty to the President will choose May 1, his Loyalty Day,” said event organizer Terri Fieldling. “The plain truth is Memorial Day doesn’t have much meaning for people anymore. It used to be a solemn occasion to commemorate the war dead. Now it’s pretty much just an excuse for us to barbecue ribs and guzzle beer, while our kids play tag. Loyalty Day celebrations will be very similar, but will incorporate Trump themes. Patriots will wear red Trump baseball caps and float Make America Great Again balloons.
“Since May 1 is also a major holiday in Russia, many Americans will display Russian flags alongside Old Glory (and of course their Confederate flags), and wear those popular combined U.S. and Russian flag solidarity pins.”
U.S. and Russian flags will fly side by side on the next Loyalty Day.
In addition to standard American picnic games such as Tug of War and potato sack races, children will play traditional Russian yard games such as Rezinochzi, Boyars, Koldunchiki (Wizards), Cossacks and Thieves, and Vishibali (Russian Dodgeball). This helpful web site provides rules to these traditional Russian backyard games your kids can enjoy on Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day.
May Day, as it’s known in Russia, has been an important holiday since the late 19th century when it was chosen as the date for International Workers Day by socialists and communists. At the height of the Cold War, it was celebrated with huge military parades. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, May Day celebrations declined, but this year President Vladimir Putin revived them in a big way. On May 1, 2017, an estimated 2 million people crowded Moscow, waving Russian flags and signs that said “Putin is right.”
“Now that Russia is an oligarchy devoted to the accumulation of wealth by a small number of billionaires such as President Putin and his associates, May Day doesn’t have those communist connotations anymore,” a tourism expert explained. “Now it’s mainly about demonstrating national pride and loyalty to Mr. Putin.”
TRADITIONAL Russian picnic game Reinochzi will be played in backyards across America next Loyalty Day.
Social media in the U.S. erupted in outrage when Trump made his Loyalty Day proclamation. But as one pundit noted, “There’s no reason why we Americans shouldn’t be as loyal to our President as the Russians are to theirs.”
Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time someone in America has tried to create a Loyalty Day holiday. In 1955, at the height of the Red Scare, Congress passed a resolution designating May 1 of that year as Loyalty Day. The resolution was aimed at off-setting communist May Day rallies around the world.
“What’s different now is that Russia’s May Day and America’s May 1 Loyalty Day celebrations won’t be at odds,” Fieldling noted. “They’re perfectly aligned.”
With U.S. and Russian billionaire leaders finally seeing eye to eye, these fashionable new solidarity pins will be perfect for your lapel next Loyalty Day.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Donald Trump won the presidency in an Electoral College landslide — even though he’s the classic Rich Selfish Loudmouth stereotype we’ve seen in countless movies. Now, scores of other stock-movie-villain types are lining up to run for political office – and they’re being eagerly courted by both political parties.
“Voters have always been most comfortable with easily recognized types,” explained campaign strategist Hallie Boylkin. “In the past, we tried to run candidates who were squeaky-clean, square-jawed hero types. But today the ideal candidate looks less like Robert Redford and more like Boris Karloff.
OUT: Square-jawed, earnest Robert Redford seemed a dream candidate in the 1970s — but not anymore.
“The public wants leaders who are strong and decisive, and who aren’t squeamish about cutting moral corners if it’s in the national interest. Today no political candidate can expect serious consideration from the two major parties unless he or she falls into one or more of the best known villain types.”
The Rich Selfish Loudmouth is a familiar figure in movies, particularly to fans of horror flicks. When a crisis arises, he usually belittles the hero’s plan and temporarily gains control of the group.
“He’s the guy who tries to close the gate when there’s still a mother and her kid running from the zombies, or steals that last vial of an antidote for himself,” said Boylkin. “When he’s finally torn apart by walkers or eaten by a giant monster, it’s usually a stand-up-and-cheer moment for the audience.”
Variations of the “rich jerk” character appear in non-horror flicks like Titanic, in which Billy Zane plays a wealthy snob who thinks only of saving his own neck as the ship goes down.
RICH SELFISH JERK Cal played by Billy Zane in Titanic isn’t above smacking his fiancee or turning yellow as the doomed ship sinks.
“Candidate Trump fit this mold to a T,” observed the strategist. “He bragged about everything from his billions to his I.Q., claimed he knew more about ISIS than the generals and mocked POWs like John McCain for being captured – instead of ducking service in Vietnam as he did. That ‘rich, cowardly braggart’ image helped to propel Mr. Trump into the White House. Voters reasoned that a guy who could keep himself that safe and rich could help all Americans be secure and wealthy too.”
Here are 14 other standard movie bad guy types and why they’re expected to win big in coming elections:
THE SUAVE AND SARDONIC ENGLISHMAN: Epitomized by James Mason in North by Northwest, this villain is unfailingly polite. In an era of name-calling and coarse political discourse in Washington, voters yearn for such civility.
THE BRUTAL BUT CHARISMATIC BULLY: In uncertain times, voters gravitate toward Alpha males like Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) of The Walking Dead fame, a take-charge guy with a knack for motivating others.
THE COLD SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, exemplified by Dr. No, the first movie nemesis of James Bond. Americans recognize the need for leaders with brainpower to spare, who operate on the basis of facts — not emotion.
THE HOODLUM WHO LIVES BY A CODE, like Sanchez (Robert Davi), Bond’s drug-dealing foe in Licence to Kill. Now more than ever, voters long for leaders who cherish “old-fashioned” values such as love of family, word of honor and personal loyalty.
THE UNPREDICTABLE NUTJOB: Jovial one minute, shooting up the joint the next, this mercurial type was best personified by Joe Peschi as Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas. Leaders like these are able to keep America’s enemies off balance.
THE OVER-SEXED FEMME FATALE, portrayed memorably by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. A lady leader who’s not afraid to use her feminine wiles could have a macho strongman like Putin eating out of her hand.
RELIGIOUS FANATIC: Ever since teacher-led prayer was taken out of the schools, many Americans have pined for leaders who wear their religious views on their sleeve — or better yet their hands, like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.
GREEDY BUSINESSMAN: With the national debt soaring out of control, many voters feel we need leaders who focus on the bottom line and nothing else, just like miserly Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.
THE MEAN GIRL: Cheerleader types who use their superior social skills — not H-bombs — as weapons, like Regina (Rachel McAdams) in Mean Girls are the kind of leaders the world desperately needs right now.
MUMBLING WEIRDO: Christopher Walken has mastered the art of playing a creepy villain in films such as Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead. A leader who rambles incoherently can keep our nation’s adversaries guessing about what we’ll do next.
HEARTLESS YUPPIE: Like sleazy company stooge Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) in Aliens, this type of leader understands that sometimes peons have to suffer so that the more deserving can enjoy the benefits of success. A certain Ayn Rand-loving Speaker of the House is clearly modeled on this type.
THE HUMORLESS FEMALE DRONE: Best exemplified by Rosa Klebb in From Russia With Love. A no-nonsense woman who rejects all emotional attachments can be as competent a leader as a man, many American voters feel.
THE OBSESSED STALKER: This type’s most famous incarnation is Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes in Misery. Commitment like that isn’t easy to come by, voters know. When stalkers are able to redirect their energy into productive enterprises, the benefits to society can be amazing, as is evident in the works of singer Adelle.
THE MISGUIDED WARMONGER: Whether it’s Samuel L. Jackson sending his men to die fighting a 500-foot gorilla, or that general using tanks to chase down a misunderstood space alien, this character is always wrong in movies. But in real life, as American voters know, you sometimes “absolutely, positively” have to kill every mother-@#$% in a country.
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RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!
Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.
“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.
“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”
While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov, head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.
“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.
Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.
Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.
“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”
DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.
“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.
Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.
Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”
“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”
BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.
But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.
“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”
Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.
1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover
SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.
51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd
HOMOEROTIC imagery — like this Photoshopped pic — have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.
Copyright C Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.
“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.
“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”
During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.
“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.
JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.
In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.
“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”
It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.
DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping hindquaters.
“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”
Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.
“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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