QUICK AND THE UNDEAD: Zombie known only as Jacques is the fastest ever recorded.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — There are slow zombies. There are fast zombies. And then there is a blindingly fast zombie named Jacques who recently shattered the world record for his kind by running the 100 meters in 10:06 seconds!
The lean, French-born athlete pulled off the dazzling feat at the annual Undead Track and Field Tournament held in the Toussaint L’Ouverture Racetrack in Haiti, finishing many strides ahead of his eight competitors.
“Jacques’ astounding performance at this event demolishes the image of zombies as shambling and unfocused,” declared sportswriter Kevin J. Bracksley. “His speed was just a fraction of a second behind the ‘normal human’ record set by Usain Bolt in 2009.”
The remarkable “running dead” sports star is equally impressive in longer distances, recently clocked at 4.12 minutes in the mile.
Zombie racing is a tradition that dates back to the 18th century, when plantation owners would wager on their most fleet-footed undead field hands. Mark Twain, who saw one of the bizarre races on his many travels, wrote in 1896 that it was “sort of like a tortoise race, but less exciting.”
In the 20th century, the international tournament was expanded to include events such as the shot put and broad jump. Organizers hope that in future years, other athletic events such as beach volleyball will be added.
Zombies arrived from far away as Turkey to compete in the races held on November 14, brought by family members or handlers who’d purchased them. Jacques’ owner is a wealthy, unidentified British sports enthusiast whose team spent months training and conditioning the 6 foot 2, 160-pound athlete.
“Muscle break down and decay is very common among zombies and the lack of oxygen to the brain they suffer before revival usually means their motor control is shot,” explained Bracksley. “That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in competitive sports.”
Although Jacques’ full name has not been revealed, he reportedly was an avid marathon runner who took home several trophies in Europe before falling victim to a zombie outbreak in 2011. That background has doubtless aided the rotting runner, the sportswriter said.
“There’s such a thing as ‘muscle memory’ you don’t lose even when the higher centers of the brain are kaput,” he observed. “And I’d like to think that the competitive spirit that Jacques had before he crossed over is still flickering in that decaying skull of his, and that helped him across the finish line first.”
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of wild supernatural news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
Next time you feel the cold breath of a vampire on your throat at night, don’t turn on the lights – because odds are the bloodsucker is butt ugly! While Hollywood movies typically portray vampires as pretty boys and supermodel types, the sad reality is that the vast majority have faces that would stop a clock, an expert says.
“Vampires typically prey on those whom they can easily jump at night,” reveals Dr. Casey Kierlam, a leading hematologist. “That means scab-encrusted vagrants, back alley prostitutes and meth-heads whose teeth are in frightful shape even before they are converted into vampires and sprout fangs.”
By contrast, androgynously handsome aristocrats and drop-dead-gorgeous movie stars are usually surrounded by bodyguards and entourages, and are far too well protected to fall victim to vampire attacks, she noted.
Real vampires are less likely to look like this…
… than this.
The inaccurate depiction of vampires as major hotties has made life difficult for real undead dudes who are “not conventionally handsome.” While mystique may have been enough in the past, those who look more like Bela Lugosi than Brad Pitt now find it hard to close the deal.
“Back in the day, if you told some sweet young thing you could give her everlasting life, you were in like Flynn,” complains 200-year-old blood-drinker and former sanitation worker Burt Hogprow. “Now, thanks to those stupid movies like Twilight, they expect you to look like Robert Pattison too. And if you don’t, they won’t give you the time of day.”
If you got a chuckle out of this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel NIGHT CAGE about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The graphic novel Severed was written by Scott Snyder and Scott Tuff, illustrated by Attila Futaki.
Severed is a viscerally scary graphic novel. Set in 1916, it is the tale of 12-year-old Jack Garron, who runs away from the home of his adopted mother with one dream: to find his father, a wandering guitar player. Instead he finds a nightmare: A serial killer with razor-sharp teeth who preys on children.
It’s hard to make comic books genuinely frightening. They lack the immediacy and realism of movies. They also can’t get into your head the way prose novels can, turning your own imagination into a fear factory.
What makes Severed so chilling is its realism; its unnerving depiction of a harsh early 20th century America where poor children were rarely truly safe. In that way, it’s reminiscent of the eerie movie classic, Night of the Hunter. No child protective services. No “safety net.” No food stamps. No Amber alerts. Even before Jack faces the monstrous maniac, he is exposed to dangers such as railroad hobos who try to molest him. A roving predator who feeds on the dreams – and flesh – of the innocent is made entirely believable. The grisly saga unfolds with inexorable logic.
A cannibal madman with teeth filed to points roams America preying on the innocent.
While 30 Days of Night employed an expressionistic style to convey a sense of the supernatural, the artwork here is naturalistic, in keeping with the text. The layout
is highly cinematic, the framing so akin to movie camera angles that the pages look a lot like storyboards. In fact Severed would make a terrific film, though an extraordinarily dark and nasty one.
In the “good old days” there was no shortage of predators of all types.
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
This review was written by the author of the new thriller The Identity Thief.
ZOMBIE farm labor is expected to outpace migrant labor by 2019.
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN MATEO, Calif. — Most ordinary folks see the widening zombie epidemic with fear — but corporate America sees big profits! Agribusiness giants are gradually replacing migrant workers with zombie farm workers who can pick fruit, lettuce and other crops at a fraction of the cost.
“There are many jobs that living Americans won’t do, and undocumented aliens will do but only if compensated financially,” explained an industry insider. “Zombies don’t demand pay, don’t require rest breaks, don’t need healthcare or other benefits and don’t burden an employer when injured on the job. If they lose a hand on a piece of farm equipment they just keep going.”
Legislation now wending its way through Congress will help smooth the transition from illegal alien to zombie labor. If signed into law, House of Representatives Bill 8263, The American Protection of Personhood Act, would define a person as “a human being not capable of sustaining life when shot through the heart or other vital organs apart from the brain.”
“The language excludes zombies from labor laws,” the insider explained. “That means that zombie laborers are exempt from the minimum wage, workplace safety rules, limitations on hours, the Family Leave Act and other cumbersome Federal regulations.”
Not having to worry about government red tape will help the farm industry compete with foreign food producers, analysts say.
“This is just the kind of boost the U.S. economy could use right now,” says economist Gerard N. Lunkster.
OLD SCHOOL: Zombies have worked the fields of Haiti since the early 1800s.
The first known use of zombie labor in the western hemisphere was in Haiti in the early 1800s when they were commonly seen harvesting sugarcane. The Haitian government imposed a ban on their use in the 1960s.
“Contrary to what you may have seen in the cinema and on TV, real zombies are quite docile when fed and cared for properly,” said an expert. “They are well suited to farm work. Attempts to train them to do jobs requiring more manual dexterity, such as assembly line work, have by and large been unsuccessful.”
Labor leaders are fighting the bill tooth and nail, warning that employing zombies will displace living workers. But farm industry lobbyists dismiss those concerns.
“Don’t worry about jobless people — zombies need to eat don’t they?” joked the insider. “Just kidding. But seriously, if some unemployed vagrant does trespass on a farm trying to steal food or looking for a handout, and winds up a meal, that’s not the farmer’s concern. You can’t prosecute zombies for homicide because they’re not legally people.”
UNLIKE the vicious creatures in TV shows like “The Walking Dead,” most real zombies are docile, compliant and unlikely to strike.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.
Legendary horror maestro Dario Argento tries to recapture the feel of classic Hammer Studios flicks.
By C. Michael Forsyth
When I saw a poster for Dario Argento’s Dracula 3-D, which had the look of an old Hammer Studio’s movie, I was skeptical. There have been so many versions of the original novel, including Francis Ford Coppola’s big-budget Bram Stoker’s Dracula, was there any point in trying another lavish costume epic? Hasn’t the story been drained dry? But Italian director Argento is a legend in the horror genre, the creator of such masterpieces as the atmospheric and suspenseful Susperia. How bad could it be?
Pretty darned bad, it turns out. I should have taken that “3-D” in the title as a warning.
This stinker received a well-deserved 11 % rating on Rotten Tomatoes. One reviewer put it so succinctly I’ll just quote him: “Argento’s Dracula 3-D is an absolute travesty of a film completely devoid of creativity or imagination. It’s like taking your favorite folklore, stripping it of everything you love, making it as dull as possible, and then lighting it on fire,” wrote Chris Swann of Examiner.com
Thomas Kretschmann plays a rather unenergetic Dracula.
The best that can be said is that Argento does not simply retell the tale we all know so well. He revamps it with the main elements intact, but details changed in unexpected ways. The problem is that in almost every case, the changes are for the worse. Jonathan Harker does not escape from the castle; instead he’s killed almost immediately — robbing the movie of its logical hero. Instead of Dracula crossing the ocean and menacing Mina in England, all the action takes place in Transylvania. Instead of three brides, Dracula only has one. But three was better, right? Dracula turns into unexpected animals in addition to the usual bat and wolf. Unfortunately, the critters are absurd, especially a giant praying mantis rendered in unconvincing CGI!
AMPLY endowed vampire Tania bares more than fangs.
Among the movie’s other glaring flaws: The budget did not seem to allow for set decoration. In scene after scene, whether it be a tavern or a room of a mansion, there is literally nothing on the walls.
German actor Thomas Kretschmann is a lackluster Dracula, injecting the same amount of passion into the role as if he were standing in line at Starbucks waiting to order a latte. Initially, his staid and dignified manner works, when he plays the “old” Dracula Jonathan Harker first meets in the castle. The trouble is that low-energy approach continues throughout the entire film.
The actress playing Lucy is so homely you wonder how she got the part. Oh wait, she’s Asia Argento, the director’s daughter. Which makes the gratuitous nude scene where she’s bathed by Mina a little creepy.
There are a few good things about the movie. Rutger Hauer plays Dr. Van Helsing, though he appears late in the film, has little to do and is not nearly as good as you’d hope he’d be. And Miriam Gionvanelli does an admirable job as the buxom beauty Tania who becomes Dracula’s sole bride, petulant and jealous with the impressive cleavage that brings back fond memories of the great Hammer films. Making one of Dracula’s brides a speaking role was one of the few interesting choices.
THE DOCTOR is in. Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing.
I did like the twist that the villagers are actually Dracula’s protectors. In exchange for their not heading up the hill to the castle with pitchforks and torches he’s made them wealthy – and even built a school for the kids. The scene in which the town fathers plot against the aristocratic vampire and Drac takes bloody vengeance is just about the only good one in the movie. But sadly, overall I can only give the movie a one out five stake rating.
IN A RELATED STORY…
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
Speaking of horror, if you want a good scare check out my horror novelHour of the Beast.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Each day, reckless leaders like power-hungry Russian strongman Vladimir Putin are inching the planet closer and closer to World War 3. But savvy Pentagon planners are already one step ahead, quietly developing an array of weapons designed to win World War 4 and based on the theories of genius Albert Einstein!
DARPA, the Department of Defense’s research and development wing, has churned out an impressive arsenal featuring clubs, stakes, boomerangs and a slew of other surprisingly low-tech killing devices.
“When Einstein was once asked how World War 3 would be fought, he replied, ‘I don’t know, but I know how World War 4 will be fought: with sticks and stones,’” explained a DARPA insider. “He was convinced that after the collapse of civilization, any survivors would lack the technology to manufacture sophisticated weapons such as tanks and machine guns, or the knowledge of how to use them. So we’re preparing next-generation weapons for use by fighting men and women raised in a society at the level of the last Ice Age.”
GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein’s theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.
The innovative weapons created by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) include:
The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.
The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.
The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.
The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.
The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.
The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.
The World War 4-winning weapons are being stockpiled in secret locations around the country, with enough “firepower” for a multi-generational conflict lasting many decades.
“Our descendants will likely lack factories or the infrastructure to mass-produce guns or bullets,” said the insider. “We’ve included in each weapons cache detailed instructions on how to build more weapons when these have run out, as well as how to use each device. In anticipation of a Paleolithic society of child-like illiterates that we predict will populate post-World War 3 North America, we’ve laid out the instructions in simple pictograms.”
War wizards are preparing for multiple scenarios, most of them variations of an occupation of what is now the United States by an Islamist or Russian-Chinese mega-power. The insider likened it to a classic Star Trek episode in which, on an Earth-like planet, descendants of Asian invaders and fur-clad Yangs (short for Yankees) duke it out with primitive weapons.
“Our goal is to ensure that one day the real-life ‘Yangs’ – our fighting men and women of tomorrow – have the tools they need to degrade, destroy and ultimately vanquish those who mean our nation harm,” declared the Defense agency insider. “Our mission, whether in the present or the future, is to support our troops.”
PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like this Yang in the Star Trek episode,”The Omega Glory.”
CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution.
VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.
ISIS, the diabolical and barbaric band of fanatics bent on imposing a vast Islamic state in the Middle East, is desperately seeking a new name–and it needs YOUR help!
“When our leaders found out that Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess once worshipped by infidels, they went ballistic,” revealed a PR wing insider who requested anonymity. “We need a new name quick or heads will roll, and yes I DO mean that literally.”
One roadblock, the insider noted, is that most of the really good evil organization names like HYDRA, SPECTRE and CHAOS have already been taken, used in movies, TV shows or comic books. The outfit is also known as ISIL, but that’s widely regarded as too bland.
“It sounds like a computer programming language that nerds would drone on about in a college dorm,” he said.
The public relations staff is extremely reluctant to turn to “decadent western infidels” for help, but they’ve been forced to acknowledge that young Americans have a better handle on popular culture.
“It’s tricky. The name needs pizzazz to appeal to the young lions we hope to recruit, particularly in the west, yet have the gravitas to satisfy the old guard in our leadership,” explained the insider.
It’s also imperative that the name doesn’t have an embarrassing meaning in any of the nearly 7,000 languages spoken worldwide.
“We came close to going with U.T.S.U.K., standing for the United Terrorist State’s Ultimate Killers, but a last-minute Google check revealed that the word Utsuk means “vagina” in Greenlandic,” the ISIS underling divulged. “Our leaders were none too pleased with the staff member who came up with that name. Let’s put it this way: He won’t be shopping for turbans any time soon.”
Can you think of a better name for ISIS? If you can, leave it in the comment section below. This website is in no way affiliated with the militant group, but if it does adopt your suggestion, you’ll win two free “Hour of the Beast” T—shirts.
SUPERVILLAIN Ernst Stavro Blofeld led the evil organization SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) in the James Bond movies.
This writer is the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!
DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.
“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.
“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”
A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.
SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.
If you found this article amusing, you might enjoy the writer’s newest novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House , which is getting rave reviews. Check it out HERE.
Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.
Horror icon Christopher Lee gave us a slew of wonderful performances in a variety of films. In honor of the screen legend, I offer you Christopher Lee’s Circle of Terror: a new pop culture game that could finally put a stake in the heart of Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Starting with Lee, you name an actor that played a role he also played. Then name an actor who shared a role with that actor. And so on, and so on, until the chain leads us right back to Christopher Lee. Let the games begin…
CHRISTOPHER LEE is best known for playing DRACULA, a role also played by…
FRANK LANGELLA, who also played…
PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON in “Frost/Nixon.” Tricky Dick was also played by
ANTHONY HOPKINS, who also played the role of vampire hunter…
Dr. VAN HELSING, a role also played by the famous
LAURENCE OLIVIER, who also donned blackface to play Shakespeare’s
OTHELLO. The Tragic Moor was also played on film by…
ORSON WELLES, best known to radio fans as the voice of…
THE SHADOW. The cackling crime-fighter was played on film by…
ALEC BALDWIN. Though that reboot tanked, he launched a successful franchise as…
JACK RYAN in “The Hunt for Red October.” The two-fisted intelligence analyst was most recently played by…
CHRISTOPHER PINE, who also stars in the rebooted Star Trek movies as …
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK, a role of course originated by…
WILLIAM SHATNER, who starred in a short-lived TV series as…
ALEXANDER THE GREAT. And as odd casting as that sounds, equally odd for the role was Irish actor…
COLIN FARRELL, who also starred in the remake of “Fright Night” as
JERRY DANDRIDGE. The sexy vampire next door was played in the original by…
CHRIS SARANDON, who went from evil to good as…
JESUS in “The Day Christ Died.” The Messiah was also played by…
MAX VON SYDOW in “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” Max was less nice as James Bond’s archenemy…
ERNST BLOFELD in “Never Say Never Again.” The super-villain has been portrayed by many other actors including…
CHARLES GRAY, who also played the older, smarter brother of Sherlock Holmes…
MYCROFT HOLMES in “The Seven-Percent Solution.” The part of Sherlock’s big brother was also played by none other than…
CHRISTOPHER LEE in “The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes.”
So there we have it: A perfect circle including 12 actors. Now it’s your turn. Pick any actor above as a starting point and create a Circle of Terror of your own!
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
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Speaking of Lee’s portrayal of Mycroft Holmes, the actor has the rare distinction of having also portrayed Holmes himself, in “Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace” as well as Holmes’ most famous client Sir Henry in “Hound of the Baskervilles.” Sherlock Holmes fans around the world have been delighted to see the detective’s creator in a new thriller, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of The Spook House.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
Teens’ poor choice of a vacation spot proves deadly in horror flick.
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’ve long been intrigued by the tragedy of The Donner Party, pioneers who set out for California in the winter of 1846, became stranded in the Sierra Nevada mountain range and were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive.
News of the grisly events captivated the nation. The California Star reported, “A more shocking scene cannot be imagined than that witnessed by the party of men who went to the relief of the unfortunate emigrants. The bones of those who had died and been devoured by the miserable ones that still survived were lying around their tents and cabins. Bodies of men, women and children, with half the flesh torn from them, lay on every side. A woman sat by the body of her husband, who had just died, eating out his tongue; the heart she had already taken out, broiled, and ate! The daughter was seen eating the flesh of the father; the mother that of her children.”
Donner Party members James and Margaret Reed faced a terrible choice when stranded in the mountains.
The movie Donner Pass takes that already-horrifying tale and adds an extra ingredient to the stew: As a result of eating human flesh, the wagon train’s leader George Donner becomes a wendigo, endowed with unnatural strength and longevity—as well as an insatiable hunger for man meat. When a group of present-day teens pay a visit to a cabin in the cursed mountain pass, they soon find themselves on the menu.
The first scene set in modern times is less than promising. Four teens of quickly identifiable types drive toward the cabin, while one recounts an urban legend that Donner still haunts the woods. The story-teller cavalierly jettisons the well-known facts of the tragedy. In his version, Donner was the sole survivor, while in actuality 48 of the 87 members of the party lived. Par for the course, the kids are not deterred by talk of Donner’s ongoing snack attacks nor is their enthusiasm dampened by news that a woman’s half-eaten corpse was recently found, apparently the victim of a homicidal maniac.
KILLER, SHMILLER: The fact that there’s a cannibal killer on the loose doesn’t keep Valerie The Whore (Krystal Davis) from a topless dip in the hot tub.
After Joss Whedon so brilliantly dissected the hackneyed remote-cabin scenario in Cabin in the Woods, it’s hard not to groan at another stab at it. However, the movie turns out to be well-executed, with some imaginative twists—and more than one of the characters is nursing a surprising secret. Yes, of course the archetypes Whedon pinpointed are back: The Good Girl, the Whore, the Jock, the Nerd, etc. And the characters die in exactly the order you’d anticipate. (Don’t expect the amorous couple who get busy in the hot tub to make it to the prom). But the interplay between the characters is engaging, particularly when they turn against each other as the situation grows more desperate. Although most of the plot turns are telegraphed five or ten minutes ahead, they are well thought out—and you many not actually see the final twist coming.
TRUST NO ONE: The Bitch AKA Nicole (Adelaide Kane) may have a hidden agenda.
This isn’t the first time Hollywood has sunk its teeth into the myth of the wendigo, which is rooted in Algonquin Indian folklore. The movie Ravenous (1999) also featured a vampiric cannibal spawned by a Donner-Party-type catastrophe, and the intrepid brothers in TV’s Supernatural did battle with one.
Interestingly enough, psychologists have identified a real version of the phenomenon, just as there is for lycanthropy. “Wendigo Psychosis refers to a condition in which sufferers developed an insatiable desire to eat human flesh even when other food sources were readily available, often as a result of prior famine cannibalism,” according to Wikipedia.
I think one reason the Donner Party tragedy so profoundly affected the mind of the public is that it exposed an ugliness in Manifest Destiny and our winning of the West. Just as the sinking of the Titanic later put a damper on the Gilded Age, the Manson family murders revealed the dark side to carefree hippie movement of the 1960s and the Challenger disaster knocked the wind out of America’s triumphant space program.
PARTY ANIMALS: Georgia Donner, Eliza Donner and Mary Brunner survived the Donner Party tragedy–by resorting to the unthinkable.
And perhaps it lingers in our imagination more than a century and a half later because of the awful choice it presented. Would you resort to cannibalism to survive? Drawing straws and dining on the unlucky loser may seem morally defensible in an extreme famine. What would Jesus do? Hard to imagine Him nibbling on the calves of St. Peter. Still, He did say, “Eat of my flesh,” at the Last Supper, so He might be forgiving of cannibals. Anyhow, not much of a worry for a fellow who can mass produce fish and loaves of bread at will. But I digress. Chew the question over, then answer the poll below:
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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