MYSTERIOUS creature in Loch Ness has fascinated public for centuries.
By C. Michael Forsyth
TOKYO — A colorful Japanese fishing tycoon has launched plans to catch the Loch Ness Monster – and butcher the gentle sea beast for sushi!
Flamboyant Akio Hokkaido, 64, announced at a press conference that he has dispatched a fleet of small, specially equipped fishing vessels to the Scottish lake.
“Yes, if we brought the creature back alive, I could sell her to a big aquarium or zoo for perhaps as much as $250 million,” he told reporters. “But sushi connoisseurs will gladly pay through the nose for the opportunity to dine on the flesh of such a one-of-a-kind animal.
“As we all know, Almas caviar from Iran sells for $25,000 per kilo. Because Nessie is so much more rare, I expect sushi from her carcass to fetch ten times that much. My researchers estimate that Nessie weighs at least 76,000 kilos. At $250,000 per kilo, that makes her value close to $20 billion.”
SUSHI is a favorite delicacy of the rich and famous.
Animal rights crusaders are outraged at the businessman’s plan and the announcement has sparked an uproar in Scotland, where the legendary sea creature is viewed as a national treasure.
‘The problem is that right now, there’s no law on the books forbidding the killing of the Loch Ness Monster,” reveals Mary Conacher, spokesperson for of the Glasgow chapter of the International Society for the Humane Treatment of Animals. “We’re hoping to get such a law pushed through Parliament, but there’s no guarantee we’ll succeed before Mr. Hokkaido’s goons arrive.”
FISHING vessels owned by Hokkaido are on the way to Scotland.
Opponents are vowing to nip the fishing magnate’s sick scheme in the bud. Some have proposed that thousands of volunteers link arms around the 23-mile-long lake to block Hokkadio’s vessels from being loaded into the water.
“They can take our lives, yes, our freedom, maybe, but they cannot take our Nessie,” declared Angus MacHeath, president of the Scottish Heritage Foundation.
RUTHLESS tycoon Akio Hokkaido is a hated figure in his native Japan.
Hokkaido is no stranger to controversy. He was voted Japan’s “most hated man” in a poll, after he rejected a plea from officials to use his ships to evacuate people living near the Fukushima I Nuclear Power Plant when the massive 2011 earthquake caused a meltdown.
“He said he couldn’t spare the ships – they were needed to kill a school of baby dolphins in the northern Pacific,” recalls reporter Tomoko Yukio of the Tokyo Sun and Mail. “Hokkaido doesn’t have a black heart. He has NO heart.”
The tycoon brushes off such criticism, insisting that he has an “ethical duty” to investors to maximize any profit from the capture of Nessie. He vehemently denies that he is anti-environment.
“How can anyone say I have no interest in nature?” Hokkaido said at the press conference. “Would a man with no interest in nature drop an African lion from a helicopter to see if it could land on its feet?”
HIGH TECH harpoon cannons like this one will make catching Nessie a cinch.
Catching the fabled Loch Ness Monster may be easier said than done. Over the decades, scores of researchers have scoured the lake with sonar and other special gear and have come up empty handed. But Hokkaido is coming loaded for bear. His six vessels are outfitted with state-of-the-art equipment including penthrite grenade harpoons fired from high-velocity cannons and high-tech electric lances powerful enough to instantly electrocute a blue whale.
“No one has invested this kind of money into the search for Nessie before,” points out British cryptozoologist Reginald Hurlington. “It would be a tragedy if that greedy SOB succeeds.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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This writer’s novel “Hour of the Beast” has been hailed by “Horror Fiction Review” as a “fast-paced, rip-snorting,action-packed, sexy college romp.” To check it out, click below.
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MOBILE, Ala. — A conservative organization is demanding that the White House release credible evidence that President Barack Obama is not the Antichrist: a signed letter from the Pope!
“It’s an entirely reasonable request,” insists Dan Stantlerman, vice president of the League of Patriotic Americans for Truth.
“America is on cordial terms with the Vatican. If President Obama asked for a brief letter from Pope Benedict XVI attesting to him not being the Antichrist, I don’t think the Pontiff would have a problem with that. So why is the Administration refusing to put in the request? What does Obama have to hide?”
Surprisingly, the White House is giving serious thought to knuckling under to the outlandish demand.
“We just want to get these people off our backs,” explains a reliable White House source. “But it’s a sticky situation. What if we ask the Pope for the letter and he balks? It will look like the President really is the Antichrist.”
INFALLIBLE: A signed letter from Pope Benedict XVI could reassure many Americans that President Obama is not the Antichrist.
President Obama isn’t the first public figure suspected of being the Antichrist, a powerful dictator and incarnation of evil whose rise to power during the End Times is foretold in the Bible’s Book of Revelation. At the height of World War II, many religious folks feared that Adolf Hitler was the sinister figure. But Stantlerman and his group argue that Obama is a far more likely candidate.
ALSO suspected of being the Antichrist: Nazi madman Adolf Hitler.
“Yes, Hitler put people in concentration camps, but Obama forced universal healthcare down people’s throats,” Stantlerman points out.
“Hitler met with Stalin to sign the Warsaw Pact. Obama had that Beer Summit. Don’t you see the connection?”
Obama’s legitimacy as Commander in Chief has been a matter of controversy almost since his inauguration. Members of the “birther” movement demanded proof that he was really born in Hawaii and not in Kenya. When the White House yielded to pressure and released his long-form birth certificate back in April, that appeared to settle the matter. But soon afterward, religious-right leaders began to make the shocking Antichrist allegations from pulpits across America.
Frustrated White House aides feel they just can’t win. They worry that producing a letter from the Pope will be useless, since most born-again Christians don’t believe in the doctrine of papal infallibility and may not trust his judgment about who is and who is not the Antichrist.
“For God’s sake, some of these Bible-thumping wackos think the Pope is the Antichrist,” fumes one exasperated White House staffer.
Indeed, some hardcore “Antichristers” are already saying the papal letter won’t suffice.
“The White House needs to release a videotape, filmed by an independent third party, showing every inch of the President’s skin, from head to toe, proving that the Antichrist’s 666 logo is nowhere on his body,” declares Mary-Joe Rulerway, a prominent figure in the Antichrister movement.
“We are, of course, mindful of the President’s privacy. When the tape is made public, his face can be blacked out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review gives Hour of the Beast "two thumbs up and a lusty howl at the moon."
Check out Hour of the Beast at Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The book is available in hardcover, paperback or, for a measly $5, eBook format.
NEWLY discovered Homo Lycanthropus bore elongated cuspids, or canine teeth.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MONTIGNAC, France — Paleoanthropologists have reported the discovery of the 27,000-year-old skeleton of a previously unknown prehistoric hominid that may have given rise to the werewolf legend.
Experts are calling the startling find in the Vezere Valley the most remarkable development in the field of paleoanthropology since the Hobbit, known scientifically as Homo floresiensis, was found on a remote Indonesian island in 2003.
Dubbed Homo lycanthropus, the early man stood over seven feet tall, boasted a prognathous jaw with razor-sharp canine teeth, a massive brow ridge, and ears positioned high, giving it an oddly canine appearance.
Scientists believe that the caveman coexisted peacefully with Cro-Magnon Man, the precursor to modern humans, because the remarkably intact skeleton was found in a burial mound side by side with bones belonging to our ancestors.
“The evidence suggests that not only did Homo lycanthropus or the Wolf Man live alongside our forebears, he played a vital role in Paleolithic society,” says Dr. Antoine de Begereaux, leader of the university team that made the find.
“This demonstrates that a great deal remains to be learned about human evolution.”
PREHISTORIC cave painting featuring enigmatic “beast-man” has baffled scientists for decades.
The discovery may shed new light on the famous prehistoric paintings found in the Lascaux cave complex just 25 kilometers away in 1940.
One particularly striking set, uncovered by spelunkers in 1974, is known to scientists as the Famine and Hunt Cycle. The series of paintings depict what anthropologists refer to as the first known use of sequential art.
In the first of six painting, a group of men and women huddle about a campfire, portrayed as extremely thin and presumably hungry. In the second painting, one of figures has risen and is striding into the woods, with a circle that appears to be the full moon overhead. In the third painting, the figure now has a huge head with pointy ears and runs on all fours. In the fourth, the mysterious figure is seen returning to the fire, walking erect and carrying a stag in each hand.
In the fifth panel the beast-man leads a band of bow-wielding hunters, now apparently well fed enough to walk, into the woods. In the sixth and final panel, the hunting party encircles a herd of deer.
“Previously, it was theorized that the beast-man figure was wearing a ceremonial mask as some kind of animal-god ritual,” says Dr. de Bergereaux. “Now, a more likely theory is that Homo lycanthropus went hunting for game when other members of the tribe were too weak and famished, and brought back meat to save the group.
“Far from being perceived as a monster or a threat, these gentle giants were probably seen as protectors of the tribe.”
Scientists say that the large, hairy cavemen probably hunted during the full moon because it was easier to see.
“At that time of the month as they ventured into the wild, they may have become more fierce, robust and hirsute, just as domestic pigs quickly sprout bristly hair and develop seven-inch tusks when they become feral,” notes French science writer Jean Paul Rhiens, who calls the discovery “intriguing.”
DNA tests will be conducted to see exactly where the Wolf Man belongs on the human evolutionary tree; whether it is a subspecies of Homo sapiens or a cousin to mankind.
“We know that about 2 percent of modern-day Europeans carry some Neanderthal DNA,” notes Dr. de Bergereaux. “It’s certainly not out of the realm of possibility that a small fraction of humans alive today have genes from Homo lycanthropus.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The preceding story is a work of fiction that we hope you found entertaining and thought-provoking. If you enjoyed this story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his upcoming project:
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A THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL:
Vampires take over a women’s prison in this scary and sexy graphic novel that has been described as ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black. A Kickstarter is underway right now!
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Speaking of werewolves, The Horror Fiction Review gives this writer’s novel Hour of the Beast “two thumbs up and a lusty howl at the moon. This Christmas, give the gift of scary fun. The eBook is a measley $5!
You can purchase Hour of the Beast at Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel,Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
COLLEGE locker rooms should be a place for carefree girl talk, as shown in this movie scene.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NORTHHAMPTON, Mass. — Students at the nation’s most prestigious women’s college complain that the restless spirit of a Peeping Tom who kicked the bucket in 1902 is up to his old tricks — and has been spying on them in the locker room!
Frazzled female athletes at Smith College claim that the ghost of school janitor Barney Feckham lurks around the shower stalls of the gymnasium, getting an eyeful of the bathing beauties and fondling them every chance he gets.
“The ghost won’t keep his hands to himself. Girls have had their bottoms smacked and their nipples tweaked — it’s an unacceptable situation,” revealed a school administrator who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
A student who asked to be identified only by her first name, Lisa, claims she had a bone-chilling encounter with the perverted poltergeist.
“I was toweling off after a shower and the whole time I had the eerie feeling I was being watched,” she said. “When I bent over to dry off my leg, I felt an ice-cold finger goose me. When I turned around, there was no one there. It totally freaked me out.”
PRESTIGIOUS Smith College was founded in 1871.
Renowned psychic investigator Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, based in Edison N.J., has been called in by school officials to probe the case. His research has uncovered a tragic history surrounding the disembodied spirit of the maintenance man.
“Barney Feckham was a longtime employee of the college, respected for his dedication to his duty,” Greavesby reveals. “He was especially attentive when it came to the locker room, lingering there long after hours to clean up and make repairs.
“One day it became apparent just why he was so concerned about that particular area of the school. He’d drilled a hole through which he spied on the students as they undressed and showered.”
When the scandal came to light, Barney was sacked. But he was so humiliated that instead of returning home to his wife, he hanged himself in the very locker room that was the scene of his shame.
PEEPING TOM Barney Feckham allegedly spied on these beauties on the Smith College basketball team.
Barney’s ghost first appeared in the spring of 1903, six months after his untimely death.
“Girls would be chatting gaily in the communal shower and suddenly see a spectral figure drifting through the steam around them,” Greavesby says. “Or they would be dressing and turn to see Barney’s leering face in the mirror. Other times, he was unseen but they would hear him whistling his favorite tune, Danny Boy, just before they were groped by an icy hand.”
In the course of his research, Greavesby came across a rare photograph of what appears to be the entity in action, snapped in 1906 by pioneering ghost photographer Horace Wakeford. It shows what Wakeford described in notes as “ectoplasmic material” in the shape of a man reaching toward a showering student.
SPIRIT OR ODD REFLECTION? Eerie photo taken by pioneering ghost hunter Horace Wakeford in 1906 shows what appears to be a man-shaped figure lurking amid unsuspecting students.
Over the decades, the strange apparition has cycled through periods of activity and dormancy. After a flurry of sightings in the 1980s, Barney went on a 36-year hiatus. But this fall, the girl-crazy ghost is back with a vengeance.
“At least 14 students claim to have seen or been sexually harassed by Barney’s ghost so far this term,” reveals Greavesby. “Dozens of others report experiencing an odd sense of being watched.”
School administrators are playing down the haunting and officially deny having brought in the psychic investigator.
“Every old new England college has its share of ghost rumors,” said a spokesperson. “Smith has no more paranormal activity than any other Ivy League institution.”
The expert came with an arsenal of 21st century ghost-hunting gear, including electromagnetic field detectors, infrared scanners, super-sensitive microphones and a dozen full-spectrum video cameras capable of picking up light frequencies invisible to the human eye.
WATCHFUL EYE: Array of high-tech camcorders have been set up to spot ghost.
“Students can be confident that the locker room is under 24-hour surveillance,” says Greavesby.
Several worried parents who’ve heard the ghost reports are demanding that school officials summon an exorcist to expel the lecherous entity from college grounds. But Greavesby believes that if he can communicate with Barney, he can convince the weirdo wraith to knock off his antics voluntarily. And even if he can’t, the manifestations will eventually run their course.
“Barney’s spirit is fulfilling desires he had as a living human on the earthly plane,” the scientist explains.
“In time, he will have had his fill of eyeing nude young women and will be ready to move on to the other side. It may take 10 years, 50 years or even 200 years. No one can be sure. But one day he will be ready to march down that tunnel toward the bright light.”
If you got a kick out of that mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his latest project…
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2
CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX
Check out Volume One of the graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
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Speaking of college horror, this writer’s terrifying new novel HOUR OF THE BEAST is set on an Ivy League campus. It’s the perfect gift for Halloween! Give the gift of scary fun this year. And the eBOOK is a steal at just $5! Critics are calling it “gripping” and “difficult to put down.” To check it out, visit Amazon.com or click below.
Halloween is right around the corner, which means it’s time for a fun trivia contest — and the winner will receive a whopping $100!
To collect the prize, all you have to do is correctly answer all 12 questions below about the bone-chilling werewolf book Hour of the Beast. Here we go:
1. What oldies song is playing on the radio while Elaine waits in the car?
2. Peying perches on the potty reading a book by the philosopher________________.
3. The colorful nickname for the mysterious Delta Kappa Delta sorority is _______________________.
4. A replica of what famous statue sits on the campus of Hallerton College?
5. A Latin inscription reading ____________________________is engraved on a building at Hallerton.
6. When Joshua sits in chains, he watches a 1961 gladiator movie about Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Who was the star?
7. The blood of this small mammal is an ingredient in the werewolf-transformation ointment.
8. What is the name of the cafe located in the tunnels beneath the campus?
9. Joshua plays a big football game against a team from which college?
10. Professor Cairo Oldewood lived among the Shuar tribe, AKA the Jivaro, who were once known for what unusual custom?
11. The confessed 16th century werewolf Peter Stubbe was executed on what ordinarily fun holiday?
12. Among the many ghosts said to haunt Hallerton College are a pair of twins, one of whom perished in which well-known tragedy?
Email your answers to CFors10917@aol.com using the subject line “Hour of the Beast Contest.” Be sure to include your name in the body of the message. The names of contestants who answer all 12 questions right will be placed in a hat and the winner will be chosen at random.
Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions, LLC and its subsidiaries cannot participate in the contest, nor can their relatives.
You can find Hour of the Beast at Amazon.com or, at $4 cheaper by clicking The link at the top of the blogroll at left.
The Horror Fiction Review gives Hour of the Beast "two thumbs up and a lusty howl at the moon."
To order a copy of Hour of the Beast, visit Amazon.com, or to get it at a reduced price, click the link at the top of the blogroll at left. The eBook is a mere $5!
The identities of Illuminati members are top secret.
By. C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY — Eat your heart out, Julian Assange! A new whistleblowing website is publishing the top secret plans of the Illuminati!
The shadowy secret society is said to be the “unseen hand” that controls world affairs like a puppeteer, pulling the strings of governments and corporations alike.
The agenda of the centuries-old organization has always been a closely guarded secret known only to its members – until now. The new OmniLeaks.com, which goes online next Monday, promises to unveil the order’s ultra-secret 15-Year Plan. And the information dwarfs anything exposed by the infamous WikiLeaks.
“With all due respect to Mr. Assange and WikiLeaks, the data in those leaks was old hat,” declares Roger Grenway, founder of OmniLeaks. “It was no surprise to learn that many of America’s ‘allies’ secretly hate us or that Swiss banks hide the assets of crooks and dictators.
“By contrast, much of what we’ve gleaned from these Illuminati documents is earthshaking and will affect the future of every man, woman and child on the planet.”
The Illuminati's ulimate goal is to usher in a New World Order.
The Illuminati documents come from two main sources: The first is a computer file retrieved from the organization’s computer system in its Geneva headquarters.
“Our team of hackers had to penetrate 12 layers of firewalls and defense mechanisms,” Grenway explains. “Once the documents were in our hands, leading cryptologists hired at great expense had to decipher the 78,000 words of text, written in the legendary Illuminati Code.”
Many of the world’s most brilliant minds, from Alan Turing, the famed World War II code-breaker and father of the computer, to Albert Einstein himself, have tried to unlock the incredibly intricate code in the past, to no avail.
“After eight months of tireless, around the clock work, our team succeeded,” the whistleblower claims.
“The other half of the 15-Year Plan comes from handwritten notes on a yellow legal pad, accidentally left behind after an Illuminati meeting and found by a cleaning lady.”
WHOOPS! Papers inadvertantly left behind on conference table yielded vital clues about Illuminati plans.
Here are ten of the 57 Illuminati plans Grenway has uncovered:
1. USE THE INTERNET AS SPY TOOL. “Having made ‘social media’ universal and gaining access to the purchasing habits, interests and real-time thought processes of American citizens, we can now move onto Phase 2, a monitoring system not unlike the one envisioned by Mr. Orwell.”
2. BRING BACK DEBTORS PRISONS. “With the aid of the populist movement now successfully in place, pass the American Freedom and Responsibility Act. Citizens who default on loans shall be imprisoned, establishing a pool of inexpensive prison labor.”
DEBTORS PRISONS will provide a rich source of cheap labor, as well as colonists.
3. ESTABLISH NEW RELIGION. “A powerful new ‘Third Estate’ shall allow us to exert influence akin to our past control of the Catholic Church. Merging of Scientology and Christian Science to form this new sect will be a simple matter, as many people already confuse the two.”
4. LIQUIDATE INDIA’S COWS. “Retrofitting grazing land for use cultivating crops as well as distribution of beef will greatly reduce world hunger.”
COWS are sacred according to Hindu religion -- but slaughtering India's cattle could end world hunger, the Illuminati believe.
5. INSTITUTE A SINGLE UNIVERSAL CURRENCY. “Attempts to use paper bills bearing the likeness of any U.S. President must be severely punished. Suggested sentence: seven years in a federal penitentiary.”
6. EXTEND SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING. “Subconcious-targeted messages via television, radio, films and Internet are a proven success. Expand program to include computer games, thereby to maximize re-education at most malleable age.”
7. ESTABLISH A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. “Sinoanglohindi, created by our linguists, shall be the official language, accelerating globalization. Note: we must see that this is imposed more effectively in the United States than the metric system, our most dismal failure.”
8. COLONIZE ANTARCTICA. “A penal colony on the Seventh Continent, including volunteers released conditionally from debtors prisons (AKA Freedom Centers) shall be step one. Colonization will help ease population concerns, so that Protocol 273 can be postponed.”
Antarctica, the coldest place on Earth.
9. OUTLAW LABOR UNIONS. “Exploit the resentment of firemen and teachers that Member 72 has successfully fostered to pass a federal law outlawing collective bargaining. Reduced wages in U.S. will spur the global economy.”
10. RETURN MIDDLE EAST TO PHARAONIC RULE. “Having successfully engineered the collapse of key Mideast governments, put in place a regional ruler to restore order. This shall lead to lasting peace in the Holy Land.”
The time frame for these huge changes is not clear.
“We only know that this is all to take place within 15 years,” says Grenway.
The origins of the Illuminati are hazy. Many historians believe the outfit was founded in May 1776, in Bavaria by one Dr. Adam Weishaupt, a professor of Canon Law at Ingolstadt University, a former Jesuit, and devotee of Machiavelli. Nine years later, the Illuminati were banned by the Bavarian government for plotting to overthrow all the kings in Europe as well as the Pope. But the organization went underground and has continued to act behind the scenes, cooking up various conspiracies up until the present day.
MYSTERIOUS Dr. Adam Weishaupt played key role in Illuminati.
“The Illuminati have been credited with sparking both the French and American revolutions,” says Grenway. “It’s certainly no coincidence that the Declaration of Independence was signed barely two months after its founding.
“The organization has had a hand in every war since then, up to and including Operation Iraqi Freedom, on one side or another — or sometimes both.”
Signing of the Declaration of Independence marked one of Illuminati's greatest successes.
“Some of their efforts are well intentioned, but go sour as in the case of the French Revolution — they didn’t foresee the Reign of Terror,” Grenway maintains. “Their ultimate goal is the establishment of a New World Order. The problem is, no one outside the organization knows exactly what that means.”
REIGN OF TERROR: Some of the Illuminati's plots got a bit out of hand, as in the case of the French Revolution.
Some historians believe that Weishaupt didn’t invent the Illuminati, but only revived it.
Experts have traced the mysterious order back to the Italian Renaissance, to the Knights Templar, to Greek and Gnostic cults — and some even contend the secret society dates as far back as ancient Egypt.
The Illuminati have been hatching schemes since at least the Renaissance, some experts say.
“Our researchers haven’t nailed down the Illuminati’s true origin,” says Grenway. “Nor do we know whether anyone can thwart their plans now that we’re making them public. The power and influence of the Illuminati are unthinkably vast.
“We can at least hope that members of the public can make sound decisions based on what we now know is coming down the pike.’
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
HOLY WARRIOR: Sean Bean stars as the brave but fanatical Ulric.
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’ve always counted myself tremendously lucky to have been born in the United States rather than in some Third World hellhole, and in the 20th century rather than the 19th, when, as an African-American, I doubtless would have been a slave.
And if you never counted your lucky stars you didn’t live in the Middle Ages, you will after you see “Black Death.” Brutal slaughter, gruesome torture, painful death by incurable disease, religious fanaticism and blind ignorance are all features of everyday life in medieval times put on vivid display in this atmospheric film, now on DVD.
The movie is set in 1348, when the Black Plague that wiped out at least a third of Europe’s population ravages England. A single isolated village has mysteriously remained unscathed and the bishop suspects that locals have resorted to devil-worship to escape the disease. His envoy is tasked with capturing the necromancer at the heart of the conspiracy and bringing him back for what good ol’ Dubya would call “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
It’s curious that the movie is listed in the horror category, since nothing truly paranormal occurs. It’s more like “Deliverance” with knights. (Don’t worry, no one is ordered to “squealeth like a pig.”) But it richly earns the horror label. The shocking violence, high body count, and overall creepiness make it as scary as any “Saw” sequel.
Sean Bean is compelling as scraggly haired Ulric, the driven, Solomon Kane-like envoy. Like Beowulf, he grimly leads a band of fierce warriors against the forces of darkness. His guide is Osmund (Eddie Redmayne), a naïve young monk who’s strayed from his vows by falling in love with a maiden.
IN OVER HIS HEAD: Clueless young monk Osmund (Eddie Redmayne) is Ulric's guide.
When the crusaders cross a moor to the village, they find it populated by warm and welcoming townsfolk — a tranquil, idyllic oasis from the cruel and chaotic outside world. Still, fanatical Ulric remains convinced that the Devil is at work in the town. The question quickly becomes: are the villagers evil demon-raisers or peace-loving pre-hippies who at most indulge in folk medicine and Wicca?
The only flaw I found with the movie is that this question is answered far too soon. I would have preferred to have been kept guessing a bit longer and given time to mull over the philosophical issues it raises. Other than that, I give “Black Death” a solid two bloody sickles up.
IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE? Is townswoman Langiva (Carice Van Houten) a kindly practioner of folk medicine or an evil witch?
The Middle Ages may have been a bad time to be alive, but your bright college days are ones to treasure -- even if there IS a werewolf running amok on the campus, as in Hour of the Beast
This writer’s horror novel Hour of the Beast has been hailed by critics as “gripping,” “uniquely written” and “very difficult to put down. To check it out, look for it on Amazon.com or CLICK HERE. The eBook is just $5!
Cops and gangsters are forced to team up to battle zombies in ultra-violent French horror flick.
By C. Michael Forsyth
When you mention French cinema to me, I usually think of artsy, high-brow movies like “Jules and Jim” and “The 400 Blows.” So when a pal raved to me about a really cool French zombie flick he’d just seen, I pounced on it. After all, we’ve got Cowboys and Aliens, why not Frogs Vs. Zombies?
The movie, “La Horde,” has a promising premise. A band of rogue cops bent on avenging the murder of one of their comrades raid a decaying tenement outside Paris, to butcher a Nigerian drug lord and his gang. The tables turn and they quickly find themselves outmanned and outgunned, facing imminent slaughter. But their REAL troubles start when the recently dead mysteriously begin to resurrect and they are trapped in the building facing a massive horde of vicious, flesh-eating zombies. The criminals and cops reluctantly band together to fight their way out of the tenement.
I’ve got to say, I didn’t find the movie offered much that previous zombie-siege flicks like “Dawn of the Dead” didn’t do better.
I’m a simple man with simple needs in horror movies: create characters that I’ll care about and put them in jeopardy. Here, the big problem is that there are only two characters that are even marginally sympathetic: One, tough-as-nails cop Quessem (Jean-Pierre Martins) and (arguably) the gang leader Asadewale (powerfully played by Eriq Ebouaney), who at least shows some loyalty to his own brother.
The rest of the motley crew are so despicable you actively root for them to be killed. I don’t mean just that they’re crooks or baddasses. I mean totally despicable. For instance, when the “heroes” manage to pin down a rabid female zombie, they debate raping her (jokingly, I hope to God) and taunt her with a decapitated head, trying to force her to do something sick that…well, let’s just say it gives a whole new meaning to the term “French kiss”. Usually, you can at least count on a horror film’s leading lady to have some compassion, but lady cop Aurore is actually the most heartless of all.
In most zombie flicks, there’s one turkey you hope dies. In the granddaddy of them all, “Night of the Living Dead,” you had that selfish coward who argued that everyone should just hide in the basement and wait for help instead of trying to escape the farmhouse (which, in an ironic twist, turned out to be exactly right.) But here, you’re itching for almost every single person on screen to become zombie meat!
NEVER SURRENDER: Quessem (Jean-Pierre Martins) is one Frenchman who won’t let the enemy occupy his country without a fight.
I’ve got to admit, the protagonists are a lot tougher than your usual zombie-apocalypse everyman. They punch, kick and shoot their way out of scenarios that would leave the average guy a morsel of flesh in between some hungry zombie’s teeth. In some scenes they prove more ruthless than the hyperkinetic “28 Days Later“-type zombies themselves. In that movie, you’ll recall, when mild-mannered Jim becomes as fierce as the rage-virus “infected,” it’s a thought-provoking climax. In “The Horde,” when the humans out-do the inhumans in the violence department, it’s just sickening.
There’s one minor point I found irritating. Even though the bickering cops and criminals quickly realize the only way to kill the zombies is by shooting them in the head, they insist on multiple chest shots. They keep blasting away indiscriminately, even after their seemingly limitless ammo finally starts to run out.
Frankly, there’s only one scene in the entire movie I really liked. That’s when gutsy cop Quessem stands on the roof of a car single-handedly duking it out with the biggest army of zombies you’ve ever seen in your life — like Davy Crockett at the Alamo — fending them off with guns, a machete and bare fists. Here’s one Frenchie who DOESN’T believe in surrender. It’s one of those moments where every male viewer is saying, “Yeah, that’s just what I’d do in that situation.”
Would you really, guys? Hopefully, we’ll never have to find out.
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his latest work. Vampires take over a women’s prison in the graphic novel Night Cage. Imagine ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Yes, Virginia, there are black French zombies.
The writer of this review has a new horror book out, titled Hour of the Beast. The eBook is a measly $5. To check out HOUR OF THE BEAST, click HERE.
Hard-drinking Irish bad-boy actor Colin Farrell plays vampire-neighbor Jerry as a hard-drinking Irish bad boy. (Yes, that IS a British poster, you folks who can spell.
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’ve never looked forward to hating a film more than I did the “Fright Night” remake. I loathe gratuitous remakes and the 1985 original happens to be a personal favorite of mine. Bad enough that Hollywood vultures have to recycle blockbusters like “Planet of the Apes.” Must they mess with little cult classics too?
Chris Sarandon’s chilling performance as the vampire next-door-neighbor Jerry Dandridge earned him a berth in the pantheon of greatest big-screen bloodsuckers — surpassing, in my book, both Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee. He’s such a magnetic actor and makes such interesting choices. And what range the guy has! From Al Pacino’s transssexual lover in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a Jesus who is actually INTERESTING in “The Day Christ Died.”
Roddy McDowell as reluctant vampire hunter Peter Vincent in the 1985 version of Fright Night.
William Ragsdale was charming as the mild-mannered hero high-schooler Charlie Brewster. And of course, Roddy McDowell created one of his most memorable film characters: Peter Vincent — an amalgam of Peter Cushing and Vincent Price — a cowardly ham actor who played vampire slayers in old movies and is reluctantly drawn into the real-life vampire hunt.
When I got to see a sneak preview of the new flick at the Flashback Weekend horror convention in Chicago, I relished the opportunity to bash the re-do like a garbage bag full of rabid weasels. It turned out, however, that the movie is really good! In some ways, I grudgingly admit, it’s superior to the original.
The best move the filmmakers made was not try to recreate the original with a new cast, but instead to “re-imagine” it. That’s a cliche among Hollywood recyclers, of course, but this time they really did it, I promise.
MR. SMOOTH: In the original, Chris Sarandon as classy vampire Jerry used charm to snare his victims.
Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge was a sexy, suave sophisticate who tries to charm his way into the home of Charlie‘s mom and into the pants of the teen’s girlfriend Amy. Colin Farrell’s Jerry is a sexy blue-collar bad-boy who takes a much more “hands-on” approach. At one point, Charlie’s friend Ed warns that Jerry is “like the shark in ‘Jaws’ ” and that’s how Farrell plays him. As an animal: an air-sniffing, impulsive, instinct-driven beast.
FERAL FARRELL: Colin plays the vampire as a beer-swilling blue-collar bad boy.
Some of the changes plug plot holes in the original film. In the ’85 version, it took a real leap of faith to believe that intelligent Charlie — or anyone else older than six — would think that because Peter Vincent played a vampire killer in movies, he would be of any use combatting a real vampire. The new Peter Vincent is a flashy Las Vegas magician who has written extensively on vampires and has amassed a vast collection of tools for fighting them. David Tennant plays him brilliantly, as a boozing, flamboyant, Russell Brand-like jerk.
DAVID TENNANT channels Russell Brand, not the late Roddy McDowell, as obnoxious new Peter Vincent.
In the original, Charlie’s sidekick “Evil” Ed was a fun-loving wiseass played by charismatic young Stephen Geoffreys. I always thought it odd that when Jerry corners Ed and attempts to seduce him into vampirism, he tells Ed how he’d never have to worry about not fitting in anymore. To me, Ed seemed like a cool, funny dude I’d love to hang out with in high school.
WISECRACKING Evil Ed (Geoffreys) was a cool dude in the original.
By contrast, the new Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is a classic sexless nerd, with big glasses and a penchant for Dungeons and Dragons-type imaginative games. Charlie’s wussiness actually becomes a central element of the plot. Here he’s a recovering nerd with a hot new girlfriend who is trying desparately to ditch his old “geek” buddies like Ed. When Ed warns Charlie that he suspects Jerry is a vampire, Charlie (Anton Yelchin) ignores him, saying he’s too old for geeky make-believe games. Ed has his run-in with Jerry and vanishes — a turn of events now moved to the beginning of the film. Charlie feels responsible and must make things right. Thus the “stakes” are raised.
In the original, it was highly suspect that Charlie’s girlfriend Amy could be restored to normal after having been transformed into a bloodsucking vampiress with gianormous fangs. In the update, there’s an explanation given for the potential cure.
POINT OF NO RETURN? In the 1985 version, Charlie's sweetheart Amy develops a taste for human blood.
It was a bit peculiar in the ’80s version that Charlie’s mom remains oblivious to the danger and mayhem, literallty sleeping through much of the action. In the remake, she gets involved, big time.
Charlie (Anton Yelchin) and his girlfriend Amy (Imogen Poots) suspect that hunky neighbor Jerry is not what he seems.
The new movie does introduce a few plot holes of its own. Charlie inexplicably ventures into Jerry’s house, unarmed, in the middle of the night, knowing full well the vampire could return any moment. The fact that kids are vanishing from the school doesn’t raise any public alarm. (Ed’s own parents don’t seem to notice his absence). In the original, Charlie makes repeated and considerable efforts to get help from the police before taking matters into his own hands. This go-around, Charlie gives up on getting help from the authorities even after Jerry… well, let’s just say he breaks a few local ordinances.
In the original, crosses are useless against Jerry when wielded by someone lacking faith. Here there’s no explanation given as to why they’re ineffective.
So, overall, four stakes up for “Fright Night,” the remake. Hey, maybe I should keep an open mind about Farrell’s next visit to the recycling bin: filling Arnold’s shoes in another of my favorites, “Total Recall.”
ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
My werewolf novel is selling like gangbusters! You can order an eBook for just $5 at http://freedomshammer.com. If that would bust your budget, BEG your local librarian to order a copy. Tell her it’s the perfect book for Halloween.
In two weeks, I’ll be heading to Horrorfind, a big horror convention in Gettysburg, PA. I’m busy gathering interesting werewolf-oriented props to take — so if you have any ideas, leave a comment. The last festival, Flashback Weekend, was a hoot. Here, as promised, is footage from Flashback Weekend’s Zombie Pin Up Pageant, hosted by John La Flamboy, star of the upcoming horror flick, “The Mole Men of Belmont Avenue.” If images of hot girls in full zombie makeup prancing around in skimpy clothing, flashing their undies and gratutiously bending over offends you, do NOT view this video. Vote on your favorite below:
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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