Archive for the ‘news satire’ Tag
Obama poses 6 terrifyng threats to America — or does he?
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — U.S. President Barack Obama is evil in a half dozen ways that menace America – but miraculously, the six threats cancel each other out!
“Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, a Kenyan, a member of the Illuminati, the Antichrist and a leader of the Trilateral Commission,” declares author Jonathan R. Bernyard, one of the nation’s leading experts on Obama conspiracies. “Any single one of these would make him a danger to our freedom.
“However, the forms of evil are in pairs that operate against each other. It’s like that 19th century case of the British traveler in the Carpathian Mountains who was bitten by a vampire, a werewolf, a zombie and a mummy in the course of a week. Put together, the venoms canceled each other out and he was fine.
“That story may be aprocryphal, but the principle is absolutely certain. As every schoolboy learns in science class, when equally balanced forces act on an object from opposite directions, it doesn’t move. For the very same reason, President Obama cannot harm America.”
Bernyard lays out his unorthodox theory in an upcoming book, The Obama Factor. Here’s a quick break down:
FIERCE African warriors believe in survival of the fittest.
* Obama is a native of Kenya who spent his formative years in a savage, winner-take-all culture.
“The Masai are fierce warriors who from infancy are taught that only the strong survive. The weak who are unable to fend for themselves must be allowed to perish,” Bernyard explains. “That Kenyan mentality makes Obama instinctively inclined to shred our country’s social safety net with a spear, leaving millions of poor Americans to literally starve. It’s social Darwinism at its worst.
“But remember, Obama attended one of our liberal colleges, where he was indoctrinated in radical socialism. He believes in his heart in the redistribution of wealth. That cancels out the harsh individualistic streak in his blood.”
DON’T be deceived. This Jesus lookalike in a painting by Luca Signorelli is the Antichrist
* Many top Bible scholars warn that the President is the Antichrist, the evil tyrant whose rise to power is foretold in the Bible’s book of Revelation.
“Belief in the Antichrist is a central doctrine of Christianity,” Bernyard observes. “The Beast, as this sinister figure is also known, must of course believe wholeheartedly in the prophecy and that his purpose here on earth is to fulfill it.
“However, as is well-documented, Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim and the Islamic worldview was drummed into him at an early age in a madrassa in Indonesia. That worldview simply does not allow for the existence of the Antichrist. Obama will thus reject his Satan-given role as the embodiment of evil because his Moslem upbringing does not allow him to accept the existence of Lucifer.”
This symbol of capitalism and of the Illumanti bent on destroying it can be found on the back of the $1 bill.
* Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a sinister secret society that dates back to the 18th century.
“The goal of the Illuminati is to sweep aside everything we hold dear and usher in a new world order,” the expert declares. “They are credited with having sparked the French Revolution in which aristocrats were hunted down and executed. They want to erase all traditional centers of power. As far back as the 1700s, they were caught in a plot to assassinate all the kings of Europe as well as the Pope, a plot that nearly succeeded.
“Yet it has also been proven that Obama is a card-carrying member of the Trilateral Commission, like presidents George Herbert Walker Bush and Jimmy Carter before him. The Trilateral Commission is dedicated to centralizing power among a small elite of establishment figures – presidents, royalty, heads of prominent corporations. This completely counterbalances Obama’s involvement with the Illuminati.”
If Bernyard’s analysis is correct, it means that President Obama offers no direct threat to the people of the United States. The author insists that the earnest efforts of patriots like Donald Trump, who has called for revolution in the wake of Barack’s re-election, and others petitioning to secede from America or boycott the Electoral College, should be put on hold.
“These conflicting forces render Obama helpless to harm America,” he says. “Ironically, he may thus turn out to be one of the best presidents we’ve ever had.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article penned the critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Hear Chapter One read for free by clicking HERE then choosing Audio Clip.
Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…
… actor Henry Hull.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!
In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.
“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.
But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.
“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”
Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.
The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…
…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”
“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”
But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.
“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”
— C. Michael Forsyth
Who could that be under all that hair?
GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.
MASKED AVENGER: Mystery woman faces death if captured.
By C. Michael Forsyth
SHAMIRZAD, Iran – Iranian authorities have issued a fatwa – a death warrant – for a burqa-clad mystery woman who beats up clerics who scold ladies for immodest dress!
Since September, 14 holy men have been beaten to a pulp by the veiled vixen – enraging leaders in a nation where women are supposed to be subservient. Known only as the Mystery Virgin, she has been likened to the swashbuckling masked avenger Zorro.
“Because she’s covered head to toe, none of the injured victims have been able to identify her,” says Iranian journalist Davood Jobrani of the People’s Report.
“Authorities are frustrated – and concerned that if the Mystery Virgin is not captured soon, disrespectful behavior could spread among the female population. They fear we might have women running around in blue jeans and high heels. The imans have launched the mother of all manhunts for the assailant.”
Iranian law demands that women abide by a strict dress code that bans Western clothing. Those who break the rules risk public reprimand by the “morality police,” clerics or alert male citizens – and for serious breaches can be carted off to jail.
The first known attack took place in the northern town of Shamirzad. According to Iran’s official Mehr News Agency, the Mystery Virgin pummeled the cleric so badly that he needed hospitalization.
Respected religious leader Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti told reporters he was on his way to pray at a mosque when he encountered a young woman and warned her that her ankles were partially exposed.
“She responded by telling me to cover my eyes, which was very insulting to me,” still-shaken Beheshti recalled. When he demanded she cover up, the Mystery Virgin told him to “put a lid on it.” Then she punched him so hard he hit the ground.
OPPRESSED Muslim women in Iran are forced to cover themselves head to toe in a garment called a burqa — or face cruel punishment.
Since then, more than a dozen clerics in the area have reported similar incidents in which they criticized women for non-Isamic dress or conduct and were severely thrashed for the unsolicited advice.
“I saw a woman reading an American fashion magazine in the park and noticed that she was wearing nail polish,” Arash Hadandi told Iranian TV. “I ordered her to put away the magazine and scolded her for her shamelessness. Out of nowhere a second woman appeared and told me to shut up.
“I said, ‘How dare you? Go on your way or you’ll get a good caning.’
“She replied, ‘The only one who’s getting a beating today is you.’ The harlot knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I was unconscious.”
Hadandi suffered a broken nose and two fractured ribs in the brutal attack.
News of the Mystery Virgin’s exploits has spread throughout the country, along with wild rumors. Some Iranians believe the two-fisted superheroine studied martial arts, or perhaps picked up tricks from bootleg Jackie Chan DVDS, in clear violation of Sharia, Muslim holy law.
“She delivers blows so rapidly and her roundhouse kick is so powerful that she may indeed have received some special training,” said Police Inspector Mahoud Rostami, who is leading the investigation. “Or it could merely be that rage has given her abnormal strength.”
HUMILIATED: This cleric was beaten within an inch of his life, then stripped of his robes, authorities say.
Adding insult to injury, two of the victims were left stripped to their underwear. Clergyman Farid Karimi denounced a woman he spotted on the street as a “prostitute” because he could make out her curves through her burqa. The Mystery Virgin came to her rescue, taking down Karimi with a lightning fast blitz of jabs and uppercuts.
“As I lay sprawled in the alley, she said, ‘I don’t like your fashion sense either,’ and yanked off my robes,” Karimi told newsmen. “As I tried to cover myself she disappeared into the gathering crowd.”
Karimi, who was found to be wearing women’s undergarments, now faces criminal charges himself. But it is the elusive Mystery Virgin whom authorities are determined to bring to justice. If captured, she could face a trial before a religious tribunal and death by stoning.
The Mystery Virgin has become a symbol for the pent-up anger of downtrodden Muslim women, to whom she’s become a hero.
“They may condemn her in front of their husbands at the dinner table,” notes reporter Jobrani. “But when they are in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, they praise her in hushed voices.”
SWASHBUCKLING Zorro, portrayed here by Tyrone Power, also defended the weak and oppressed.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
.
The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
NEW HOPE FOR THE DEAD: Researchers may have solved riddle of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome.
ATLANTA — Researchers report that they are tantalizingly close to developing a treatment for zombism that could halt the widening epidemic.
“We are cautiously optimistic,” said microbiologist Dr. Emily Urthway, an infectious disease specialist. “We’re keeping our fingers crossed that we’re finally on the right track.”
The breakthrough follows the recent discovery that a parasitic fungus that turns ants into zombies is it itself vulnerable to a white fungus that destroys it. Experts believe this newly found “hyperparastic” fungus can be honed into a weapon against the parasite that causes cannibalistic zombism in humans.
“We’ve known since the 1990s that the fungus ophiocordyceps which hijacks the brains of carpenter ants is genetically quite similar to the organism responsible for human zombism, known medically as Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome,” explains Dr. Urthway.
“We believe that by culturing in the lab mass quantities of the hyperparasite that feeds on ophiocordyceps we can deal a death blow to the zombie epidemic. Our preliminary results are very encouraging.”
MAY one of God’s tiniest creatures hold the clue to a cure? A fungus zombifies ants, feeds on their brains and grows right out of their heads.
The ant research, based on examinations of the remains of 432 zombie ants in the rain forests of Brazil, was conducted by an international team of scientists, including top experts from Penn State and the University of Copenhagen, and was published in the respected journal PLoS One.
When an ant is infected by spores from the fungus, the organism swiftly takes control of the insect’s brain. The ant is compelled to leave the safety of its nest, climb a tree, latch onto a leaf and stay there, serving as little more than a fungus factory. Eventually its head splits open and spores rain down on unsuspecting ants below, spreading the zombie plague.
SCENES like this one, from TV’s “The Walking Dead” may soon be a thing of the past.
“Zombism in humans progresses in a remarkably similar fashion,” according to Dr. Urthway. “The fungus makes a beeline for the cerebral cortex, our center for information processing, decision-making and consciousness, and literally commandeers it.
“The organism feeds on gray matter and within a matter of days rational thought becomes impossible. Brain damage also leads to the classic ‘shambling’ gait associated with the disease.”
Brain funtion may be so impaired that sufferers fall into a catatonic state resembling death and don’t awaken until the foreign organism has seized control. Most sinister of all, the crafty fungus compels hapless victims to bite fellow humans, thus spreading the contagion.
SUFFERERS of zombism may experience headaches as fungus seizes control of their brains.
The first known case of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome in the United States occurred in the early 1950s, when a woman who had “died” after complaints of a splitting headache sat up in a hospital morgue and lurched toward befuddled staffers. A minor outbreak in 1964 outside Pittsburgh is said to have inspired budding filmmaker George Romero, creator of “Night of the Living Dead.” The director also says he was influenced by Richard Matheson’s creepy horror novel I am Legend.
REAL LIFE outbreak in early ’60s influenced “Night of the Living Dead” and this remake.
Over the years, many conspiracy theorists have suggested that the “zombie bug” was engineered in a lab, perhaps by Nazi scientists bent on creating death-resistant super-soldiers. Others insist the Soviets were the culprits, or that the U.S. itself developed the organism as a germ warfare weapon to spread chaos in enemy cities and that it escaped from a secret lab. But most experts believe the organism is simply a naturally occurring mutation of ophiocordyceps.
RACING AGAINST TIME: Scientists take every precaution while studying highly infectious fungus believed to be responsible for zombism.
Fungi are notoriously difficult to eradicate, especially from the brain, and past efforts to cure zombified humans or formulate a vaccine have failed. Infection rates have reached alarming new levels since 2013.
Following a rash of high-profile reports of zombie-like attacks across the nations, the Centers for Disease Control issued a statement recently assuring the public that there is no need to panic.
“Trust me, whenever we issue a statement that there’s no need to panic, it IS time to panic,” admitted a CDC source. “We’re getting perilously close to a ‘tipping point’ with this epidemic. The hyperparasite approach sounds promising. Let’s all hope there’s still time to beat this thing.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
.
Zombies aren’t the only menace facing mankind. The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel about werewolves. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
YOUNG OBAMA has law books behind him here, but a mug shot may show a police height chart instead, according to a leading critic.
By C. Michael Forsyth
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — An outspoken conservative multi-millionaire is offering a $10 million reward for President Barack Obama’s lost mug shot!
Harlan Prentbody, 74, says he put the enormous bounty on the decades-old arrest photo in the interest of the “public’s right to know.”
“There are a whole bunch of other items I’d like to get my hands on, but Obama’s missing mug shot is the Holy Grail,” the Colorado businessman told reporters. “It’s concrete proof that our so-called ‘commander in chief’ is not as squeaky clean as the mainstream media would have us believe.”
Rumors that such a photo might exist have been circulating on the Internet for years, he claims.
“The sad reality is the vast majority of black men in America have been arrested at one point in their lives. There’s no proof that isn’t true of Obama,” Prentbody points out. “So where’s the mug shot? Did it mysteriously ‘disappear’ from an FBI file drawer? Or did government goons march into some Chicago police station and force ‘Officer O’Reilly’ to hand it over at gunpoint?
“The American people have a right to see that photograph.”
Besides the presidential mug shot, here are a dozen other items the conspiracy theory-loving fat cat is willing to shell out big bucks for:
No. 1) Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate — $5 million. “Trying to prove Barack’s Hawaiian birth certificate is a forgery is getting us nowhere,” explained the businessman, who has devoted a third of his huge fortune to funding various right-wing causes. “Let’s try to solve this case by working from the other end.”
THIS is what Obama's boyhood neighbors REALLY looked like, according to Birthers.
No. 2) The original 666 Social Security Card — $2 million. According to the White House, the President’s social security number is 042-68-4425. But rumor has it the number on his original card was 042-66-6425 — including the digits 666, the number of the Beast. “The Social Security Administration claims it never assigns numbers including that sequence to anyone,” asserts Prentbody. “So the fact that it was somehow issued to Obama would be incontrovertible proof that he’s the Antichrist.”
No. 3) President Obama’s personal Koran — $1 million. “Every president since George Washington has kept a holy book in his night table to consult in a time of great crisis,” according to the controversial businessman. “Obama is no different, except that everyone suspects he takes his spiritual marching orders from the Koran. The book with his name in the ‘property of’ blank, in his own handwriting, is rock-solid proof he’s a Muslim.”
THE KORAN (also spelled Quran) is the holy book of Islam.
No. 4) The Communist Party membership card — $500,000. “Is he now, or has he ever been a member of the Communist Party? No one knows for sure,” says Prentbody. “But an authentic 1983 Communist Party membership card with a photo of ‘Barry,’ afro and all, will prove that the guy really is a Marxist.”
No. 5) Obama’s blonde girlfriend photo — $250,000. “Elitist liberals think of Obama as ‘safe’ because he has this Cosby-type family and his black wife Michelle,” argues the tycoon. “But you can be darned sure in college an ‘uppity’ guy like that used his rap to get into the drawers of at least one all all-American cheerleader he could show off like a trophy to all his homeboys. A picture of Mr. Perfect arm and arm with ‘Brittany’ will expose their golden boy for the phony he is, once and for all.”
UPPITY? A damning picture like this one from the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" could torpedo Obama's image.
No. 6) Surrender letter to Iran – $100,000. “Everyone’s heard the rumors that Obama sent a signed letter of surrender to Tehran giving up in the war before it’s even fought,” says Prentbody. “If our hippie peacenik president is guilty of ‘premature capitulation,’ we need to find out.”
No. 7) The Sarah Palin Voodoo Doll — $80,000. When then Alaska Governor Sarah Palin first emerged on the national stage in 2008, she was hailed as a political superstar who would breathe new life into John McCain’s faltering political campaign. “Within days things started going wrong, she couldn’t seem to think straight and has been ridiculed for mistakes again and again ever since,” the industrialist points out. “Voodoo originates in Africa. Coincidence?”
WELL-PLACED pins in the head of a voodoo doll could easily make the victim talk like a blithering idiot.
No. 8) Osama Bin Laden’s Presidential Pardon — $50,000. The fact that Osama’s death photo was never released has led some to suggest that his death was faked by the White House, with the terror chief’s full cooperation. “Part of the deal could be that Bin Laden is pardoned for his murders in exchange for lying low,” says the business leader.
OSAMA is dead as a doornail -- or is he?
No. 9) Masai Warrior Lion Teeth Necklace – $25,000. The Masai are a tribe of African warriors who live in Kenya, where members of the Birther movement claim President Obama was really born. “The initiation ritual of every Masai boy is to kill a lion with his bare hands,” according to the political crusader. “You bring me Obama’s lion teeth necklace and I’ll show you proof positive that he was not only born in darkest Africa, he was raised in his homeland until at least the age of 13.”
LION FANG necklace could prove Obama's incredible courage -- and that his presidency is illegal.
No. 10) Obama’s “Get Out of Jail Free” Card — $10,000. Constitutional experts are divided as to whether a president can pardon himself – but President Obama could be planning to put the theory to the test. “Smart as the guy thinks he is, Barack Hussein Obama is going to get into a scandal, just like so many presidents before him,” Prentbody claims. “The difference is only he is arrogant enough to try this. He may have already typed up this pardon ‘for any crimes I may commit’, signed and dated it and tucked it away for a rainy day.
“When we impeach him, he can whip out this card and say, ‘Screw you, Mr. Charlie.’ The cocky son of a gun obviously thinks he’s too good to serve his time behind bars with the ‘brothers’ who didn’t go to Harvard. ”
TINY slip of paper could keep Obama from being impeached and sent to jail.
No. 11) The missing mix tape — $5,000. Back in the ’80s, every true soul brother created a mix tape of music to play on his boom box or groove to as his car “bounced along through the hood,” according to the multi-millionaire. “Americans have a right to know what’s on that tape. Is it obscenity-laced gansta rap about killing cops? Or, who knows, maybe it will turn out Obama loved Burt Bacharach tunes? That would certainly take some of the glamour away from this man who’s supposed to be the first ‘black’ president, wouldn’t it? Maybe Obama really isn’t black enough after all.”
FAMED Gangsta rapper Ice Cube put fear into white America.
No. 12) The Prom Video – $1,000. “Lost footage of Obama at his senior dance could speak volumes about who this man truly is,” says Prentbody. “Do we catch him going completely ghetto and freak-dancing with every girl with ‘back,’ regardless of race? Or will the video show that he has no rhythm at all, that the man now sitting in the Oval Office literally has no soul?”
LAME dance moves, like these executed by TV's beloved Steve Urkel could prove Obama is truly not black enough to be president.
Prentbody is quick to point out that forgery is a crime and he doesn’t want to be inundated with a mountain of poorly Photoshopped documents and pictures.
“That would be playing right into the hands of Obama and his cronies,” he said. “It would give the media an excuse to call patriots like us a bunch of rightwing kooks or something.”
C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Plans for a major motion picture are now in the works!
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU! This isn't the kind of little person well known actor meant.
C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON – Just moments after Irish actor Dennis O’Cullen thanked “all the little people” at an awards ceremony, he was hustled off the stage by men in white coats and whisked away to a loony bin!
Now, after spending four months in the Peaceful Gardens Sanitarium, the 67-year-old star is suing both his manager and two doctors for having him involuntarily committed.
“Obviously, I was talking about the peons who work behind the scenes, like the makeup girl and the fellow who points the spotlight, as anyone but those dolts would realize,” he told a London paper.
“I haven’t believed in leprechauns since I was 15. And as anyone who has set foot in my native Ireland can tell you, we call them ‘wee folk’ not ‘little people.’ ”
Although not well known to audiences in America, where he’s made only four films, O’Cullen is a respected stage actor in Britain, where he was once hailed as the “Irish Olivier.”
ACCLAIMED actor Dennis O'Cullen first appeared as "King Lear" in this 1996 PBS presentation, but last year's Best Actor trophy was his first major award for the role.
The incident occurred at the prestigious Christopher Marlowe Awards, after O’Cullen was handed a Best Actor statuette for his starring role in King Lear.
“O’Cullen was aglow because he’d been nominated many times before and hadn’t won,” said a reporter who was covering the star-studded show. “About 30 seconds into his acceptance speech he made the “little people” remark and he was suddenly gang-tackled by four burly men in hospital uniforms. He appeared to be quite taken aback.”
The Shakespearean actor’s manager Edwin “Reggie” Baronsett has apologized profusely for the misunderstanding. However, he insists that having two doctors and several staffers from the mental health facility on hand seemed prudent under the circumstances.
“Let’s not forget that just three years ago at another awards ceremony, Mr. O’Cullen became unhinged after losing for a fifth year in a row to Kenneth Branagh. He went after the presenter Dame Judy Dench with a wooden sword — all the while limping like Richard III,” he points out. “We simply wanted to spare my client another embarrassing spectacle like that.”
O’Cullen has refused to accept the apology.
“Receiving that award should have been the crowning moment of my career,” he declares. “Instead I was made a national laughingstock and was deprived of four months of liberty.”
BELIEF in leprechauns, shown in this scene from the Disney classic "Darby O'Gill and the Little People," still remains strong in Ireland today.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a "rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp."
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
Horror News 