Evil creatures take up residence in our world in The Revenant Road.
By C. Michael Forsyth
The novel The Revenant Road takes readers on a thrilling roller-coaster ride through the supernatural realm.
It’s the story of Obadiah Grudge, a snooty writer of gruesome novels who finds himself shanghaied into following his father’s footsteps in the family business — hunting monsters.
I read the book after running into the author Michael Boatman at the Horror Writers Association convention earlier this summer. At first, when I spotted his familiar face across the ballroom where we were signing books, I thought he might be a relative or maybe someone I went to school with. But turned out he’s also an actor, best known for his role as gay mayoral aide Carter Heywood on TV’S “Spin City.” (The brother garnered five NAACP Image Award nominations for that gig.)
FAMILIAR FACE: Actor/writer Michael Boatman is best known to viewers from TV's Spin City.
Well, we might not be relatives, but we share certain sensibilities when it comes to horror. I can see that the same stuff that I loved as a kid influenced him. Remember “The Night Stalker,” that ’70’s show featuring unlikely monster hunter Carl Kolchak, a wily wire-service reporter? How the creature of the week would always toss cops around like rag dolls? You’ll find a terrifying scene like that in The Revenant Road.
MONSTER HUNTER Carl Kolchak (Darren McGavin) battled evil while filing news reports no one would ever believe in TV's The Night Stalker.
Obadiah is reluctantly drawn into the monster hunting game by his late dad’s former partner Neville Kowalski, a crusty old coot. He discovers that he’s been recruited into a secret organization that tracks down and evicts “Squatters,” evil creatures that have snuck into our world and taken up residence. The story is also reminiscent of one of my favorite flicks, “Men in Black”, in which cocky young Will Smith and grizzled veteran Tommy Lee Jones hunt illegal aliens who really ARE aliens.
ANOTHER HUNTING DUO: Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith chased illegal "aliens" in "Men in Black."
What I always like in a horror novel is that there’s a coherent and original explanation for the paranormal events. Boatman delivers this. It turns out that there’s a parallel universe next to ours, called the Wraithing, filled to the brim with nasty things. Sometimes they slip past the guardians of the universe into our world. The Squatters make contact with a human who, whether through thirst for power or weakness of character, is vulnerable and willingly accepts possession. The symbiotic result is a werewolf, vampire or even worse thing that goes bump in the night.
The book unfolds like a mystery, as the author slowly reveals to us just what is going on. I like Obadiah’s character arc. He believably transitions from a whiny, over-intellectual, pompous, self-centered jerk so annoying you want to pop him in the jaw, to a selfless, two-fisted hero willing to go toe-to-toe with the world’s most dangerous monsters.
Obadiah and Kowalski’s chief quarry is formidable: a giant, indestructible, Bigfoot-like shape-shifter. In the warm-up to their confrontation with the Yeren, as it’s called, the duo do battle with a slew of other monsters, including a Shaq-sized minotaur and, most memorably, a blood-slurping Oprah from Hell.
But that’s not the worst of it. Obadiah finally comes face to face with his personal boogeyman. That would be Carlos Volpe, a werewolf so evil that he had metal bonded to his teeth and filed to points so he could kill more people when the moon WASN’T full! He was hanged decades ago, but death only made him more dangerous. Like Freddy Krueger, the child-killer who evolves into something far more monstrous post mortem, in “Nightmare on Elm Street,” Volpe is a demonic entity powerful and clever enough to claim Obadiah’s soul.
I love that when Volpe makes his appearance, he doesn’t speak in that arch tone we’re used to from Bond supervillains. He’s hip and funny. When scared-stiff Obadiah asks what he really wants, Volpe wisecracks, “a lap dance from Condoleezza Rice with full release.”
There are such touches of humor throughout, including plenty of one-liners from brainy, sarcastic Obadiah. And it’s blackly funny when a series of literary critics under demonic influence come to do a hatchet job on him — literally.
The ending sets us up for a sequel, which I’d sorely love to see. More importantly the fast-paced, highly visual tale would make a darned good movie. And I know just the guy to play a smart-ass black writer!
HOUR OF THE BEAST, by C. Michael Forsyth is "easy to read, hard to put down," according to a Reader Favorites reviewer. And the eBook is a STEAL at just $5!
I’ve busted my cherry! I attended my very first horror convention, Flashback Weekend in Chicago, August 12 through 14, to hawk my horror novel Hour of the Beast.
It was a blast hanging out with horror fans and hobnobbing with fellow genre writers, comic book creators and movie makers.
My wife Kaye and I made new acquaintances brought along by castmembers of hit TV show The Walking Dead.
HOUR OF THE BEAST author C. Michael Forsyth at Flashback Weekend.
FANS like these made Flashback Weekend unforgetable.
And I was afraid CRITICS would slash my book!
THE SILENT TREATMENT: This fan, as a zombie Charlie Chaplin, has nothing bad to say about Hour of the Beast.
My very first horror-convention book buyer!
YOUNG and old, horror fans were drawn to strange prop on my table.
Following the suggestion of a pal, Pirates of Savannah author Tarrin Lupo, I brought along a prop: a severed werewolf hand floating in a jar. Now I thought the thing would hardly raise an eyebrow in a dealers’ room packed with horror memorabilia and props crafted by Hollywood special effects experts and haunted house designers. But it worked like a charm, drawing curious attendees to my table like flies. These hardcore horror fans who live for special effects AND creators of those effects thought it was incredibly cool and wanted to know its history. I think what sold it was the yellowed paper describing it as having been “displayed by the Revlos Bros. Traveling Circus circa 1928. “ That and the REAL BONE at the stump — although one skeptical 8-year-old girl suggested the hand “should be scientifically tested.”
LABEL on my werewolf hand jar proved intriguing.
A REAL PICKLE: The former owner of this hand apparently had a run-in with a silver bullet.
ROBERT ENGLUND, everyone's favorite child killer turned dream demon in "Nightmare on Elm Street" introduced a screening of his latest opus, 'The Molemen of Belmont Avenue."
MALCOM MCDOWELL was the only alien tough enough to kill Captain Kirk in Star Trek: Generations.
LANCE HENRIKSON was android Bishop in Aliens.
At the convention were movie legends Robert Englund of “Nightmare of Elm Street” fame, “Aliens” star Lance Henrikson, scream queen Linnea Quigley from “Return of the Living Dead,” Michael Booker of “The Walking Dead,” and “Hellraiser” stars Doug Bradley (Pinhead) and Ashley Lawrence — who now does really great and majorly creepy art.
LOVELY ladies like these graced Flashback Weekend.
VA-VA-VA DOOM! Winners of the Zombie Pinup Pageant
I got to catch a sneak preview of the “Fright Night” remake and I’ll post my review in next week’s blog. Also stay tuned for the video from the Zombie Pinup Pageant. You haven’t lived until you see two dozen exhibitionists in full zombie makeup strutting their stuff.
Speaking of which, the biggest surprise for me was the high proportion of female attendees — and how young and hot they were! An extraordinary number of them were in the company of geeky C.H.U.D.-like boyfriends. I mentioned to my wife how amazing it is that so many beautiful, brainy women are attracted to these nerdy, creative-type oddballs. Kaye, a physician who looks like a supermodel, responded, “Yeah, Mike. Really amazing.”
MEDIEVAL tapestry shows noblemen in hot pursuit of a werewolf.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON — Britain’s big-hearted Prince William is spearheading a campaign to ban the controversial English sport of werewolf hunting once and for all!
Delighted animal-rights activists are hailing the royal for following in the footsteps of his mother, Princess Di, known as “The People’s Princess.”
“Princess Diana devoted herself to humanitarian causes such as the eradication of land mines,” notes Kimba Ellington-Hyde, of the London-based Animal Protection League. “Prince William, in leading the charge against the inhumane practice of werewolf-hunting, shows that he has inherited her concern for the less fortunate.”
HUMANITARIAN: Prince William is under fire from fellow aristocrats for his brave stand.
But aristocrats whose families have taken part in the festive weekend hunting jaunts for generations are up in arms, denouncing the handsome blueblood as a traitor to his class.
“If the Prince lacks the fortitude to join in the hunts, and prefers to stay at home tending to his tulip garden, that is all well and good,” says a prominent baron, who requested anonymity. “But to try to put an end to a sport that generations of English gentlemen have enjoyed, and in which countless young men have proved their mettle, is outrageous. First bear-baiting, then fox hunting. What fine old English tradition will these meddling do-gooders try to take away next? Cricket or afternoon tea?”
Werewolf hunts have been documented in England and France since the Middle Ages. Indeed, in feudal times it was considered part of a nobleman’s duty to put down any werewolf stalking his lands.
“It was an essential element of noblesse oblige, meaning a local lord’s obligation to his vassals,” reveals historian Colin Helfwich. “There are tapestries dating back to the 13th century that show mounted knights chasing down werewolves with the aid of hunting dogs and slaying them with silver lances.”
MONSTER SLAYER: King Henry VIII led many werewolf hunts.
King Henry VIII was a prodigious hunter and was never seen without his trademark werewolf pelt vest or a strip of the creatures’ fur hanging from his belt beside his codpiece. The hunts were so successful that by 1760, werewolves were virtually extinct in the British Isles, along with ordinary wolves that were caught in the crossfire.
“After werewolves were eliminated as a threat to the common good, hunting them became more of a sport,” Helfwich explains. “Lords and ladies would gather at a country estate when word reached them that a werewolf was afoot in the vicinity. They enjoyed a lavish outdoor buffet, sipped champagne, and then took off on horseback to the hearty cry of ‘tally ho!’ With hounds following the scent, they’d pursue the creature across the moors and countryside, until it was cornered in the brush and dispatched.”
The Royal Family remained avid supporters of the hunts until recently. A famous 1935 photograph shows King Edward VII holding aloft a werewolf head after a hunt. He presented the grisly trophy to his houseguest Wallis Simpson, the divorcee for whom he would abdicate the throne a short time later. Close chums and relatives of royals routinely joined them on hunts. Legendary war hero Lord Mountbatten is said to have carried the stump of a werewolf tail in his pocket for years as a lucky charm.
“Perhaps the key chain really worked because he survived many of the bloodiest naval battles of World War II by the skin of his teeth,” notes the historian. “The first time he went to sea without the charm, in 1979, his yacht was blown to smithereens by the IRA.”
TALLY HO! Aristocrats set off on a “fun” werewolf hunt.
Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth are known to have participated in at least six hunts. But in a 1980 interview nature-lover Prince Charles publicly expressed concern that the hunts violated human rights, since “after all, the poor devils are human, if you follow me.”
Animal-rights activists have been battling to outlaw the practice for decades, forcing aristocrats to conduct them out of the public eye, with little fanfare and no press coverage permitted.
“Although hunters are armed with rifles loaded with silver bullets, it is tradition that silver pikes be used to kill the surrounded werewolf,” explains animal-rights crusader Ellington-Hyde.
“I assure you, any American who saw a terrified, helpless werewolf being slowly butchered this way would be repulsed and appalled.”
PRE-HUNT BRUNCH: Werewolf hunts are festive all-weekend get-togethers for upper crust. Brits.
Evidently, sons William and Harry picked up their father’s aversion to the sport. While frequently pictured in the press playing polo and rugby, neither has ever been photographed in werewolf-hunting attire.
Prince William reportedly stated in a letter to the Prime Minister that he supports “an immediate and comprehensive ban on the hunting of lycanthropes.”
The ban would impose hefty 130,000 pound fine on anyone who shoots a werewolf except in self defense.The measure is moving through Parliament and could come up for a vote as early as next month. If passed, England would be only the second U.N. country where the killing of a monster is outlawed. Shooting a zombie in the head has been a violation of Haitian law since 1988.
Opponents vow to fight the law tooth and nail.
“Perhaps when Great Britain is once again overrun by packs of bloodthirsty werewolves ravaging the countryside, the wisdom of our forefathers in holding these hunts will at last be understood,” declared the baron.
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, also be sure to check out Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Speaking of werewolves…
C. Michael Forsyth’s new horror novel Hour of the Beast is “the best summer read ever,” one Amazon reviewer declares.
INVINCIBLE: Hero gunslinger Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) totes a superweapon.
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’ve been looking forward to Cowboys and Aliens for more than a year. Indiana Jones and James Bond turn into cowboys and kick alien butt. What red-blooded American male with an ounce of 12 year old in him wouldn’t want to see that? Plus it’s directed by Jon Favreau, who made the witty male-bonding comedy, Swingers.
I saw it last weekend along with over a million others (Unbelievably, half of you instead chose to see the Smurfs movie, feeding Hollywood’s addiction to recycling everything under the sun.) Well, I wasn’t disappointed. There’s all the non-stop action you could hope for. The plot, in which the cowboys form a posse to track down their abducted kin, provides a solid structure; and the aliens are appropriately hideous (although Hollywood effects wizards STILL haven’t quite managed to make CGI look completely real). And of course, you’ve got lots of scenes the concept demands, such as a cowboy roping an evil E.T.
Big-screen icon Harrison Ford is terrific as Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde. Hearing about the cast, you expect Ford to play an avuncular if ornery older cowboy, to Daniel Craig’s young buck, like in your standard buddy movie. Instead he’s a ruthless cattle tycoon more in line with stock western villains. His performance is far better than Jeff Bridges as crusty Rooster Cogburn in the True Grit remake, and is reminiscent of the bigoted anti-hero John Wayne played in The Searchers. It goes without saying that Craig, the reigning 007, is convincing as an action hero, in his role as bad-ass gunslinger Jake Lonergan. It’s nice that he’s had the opportunity to expand beyond Bond films and show his acting chops, while continuing to star in the franchise – a feat that predecessors Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan and company were unable to achieve. And some minor characters are interesting, such as a young Native American raised by the Colonel, who ends up bringing out the best in him.
Sure, the movie largely follows Hollywood formula. A startling number of elements are identical to the Syfy movie High Plains Invaders reviewed on this blog some months back. In both scripts, the hero is a murderous outlaw set to hang; there’s a wussy young doc who proves his manhood; the aliens are attacking a mining town for its natural resources and a gorgeous gun-toting woman joins in the fight. I don’t think anyone stole anyone’s idea (although movie producers aren’t above that). It’s just that those were easy and obvious choices.
Along the same lines, as soon as a tribe of “hostile” Indians shows up, it’s a given that they’ll join forces with our heroes. When a kid gets a knife as a gift, we all know where the business end will wind up. (By the way, nature endowed the aliens with a rather unlikely vulnerability).
But there ARE some deviations from the cliché. The Colonel’s whining, arrogant, useless son seems a sure bet to be killed within the first 20 minutes, doing something stupid, cowardly or both. But his fate is more interesting.
Beyond that, I had three problems with the movie that require SPOILER ALERTS:
#1 To me, the whole appeal of a cowboys versus aliens story is that the cowboys are way outgunned. Without modern technology, the heroes are even bigger underdogs than we are today. So having Daniel Craig’s character armed with a super-weapon as potent as anything the extraterrestrials have, throughout the movie (potent enough to destroy the entire alien ship) undermines the premise. It would have worked better to have the weapon disabled early on. The screenwriters had the same challenge as the ’60s Star Trek writers did. Give the crew communicators and the ability to beam out of any predicament negates most threats, so you’ve got to make them constantly go on the fritz.
# 2. That gorgeous cowgirl turns out to be a good alien in disguise. A cool plot twist. My beef is that she comes to Earth to help us completely unarmed! Her only superpower is looking cute. Okay, she can also resurrect HERSELF, but not anyone else. So she’s no more useful than any other plucky frontier woman.
#3 The aliens are here for our gold. Yeah, right. You’re capable of interstellar flight, but need to dig up gold. At least in the Syfy movie it was uranium, which has a high-tech ring. The Cowboys and Aliens screenwriters use that old trick of having a character acknowledge how ludicrous the plot point is so it doesn’t seem like a mistake. Harrison Ford’s character says incredulously, “What do they want to do – buy stuff?” But that doesn’t hide that the moviemakers got a bit mentally lazy. Just once, I’d like to see an alien-invasion movie where the motive is a little more sophisticated than wiping us all out and stealing our natural resources!
Cowboys fighting aliens is such an evocative concept that you go to the theater filled with expectations of all the exciting things that might be in such a story. Some reviewers complain that the movie could have been better than it is and yes, of course it could be. But no film could compete with the richness of a viewer’s own imagination.
WATCH THE SKIES: Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford shoot it out with space invaders.
On the HOUR OF THE BEAST front, I just finished a 20-page treatment for a film version of my first horror novel!To check out the book, CLICK HERE.
Hour of the Beast is averaging a five-star rating on Amazon.com
HUNDREDS of U.S. women are addicted to strip searches, unlike the wholesome model in this photo. (Image is from CagedTushy.com, an adult site featuring women behind bars).
By C. Michael Forsyth
CINCINATTI — School librarian Ashley S. has been strip-searched a grueling 114 times, including 46 full-on body-cavity searches. But she’s never complained once — because she’s addicted to the embarassing ordeals!
The suburban soccer mom admits she’s committed dozens of minor offenses and deliberately triggered security alerts at airport checkpoints, just so she can undergo the up-close-and-personal inspections.
“I can’t explain why, but I love it. It just gives me this buzz,” says the attractive 31-year-old mother of three. “My favorite six words in the English language are ‘Bend over and spread them, lady.’ It’s music to my ears.”
Incredibly, she’s not alone — hundreds of women nationwide share the bizarre mental affliction.
“We estimate that about one in every 20,000 women have some form of this compulsion, named Hucken’s Disorder after the psychologist who first identified it in 1978,” reveals Dr. Helen Beevford, a psychiatrist specializing in addiction who is treating Ashley.
“For most healthy women undergoing a strip search, or worse, a body-cavity search, is a degrading ordeal that often leaves them traumatized. Some have likened it to being sexually violated. But to sufferers of Hucken’s Disorder, the humiliation is actually a turn on. It’s a form of masochism.
“Many of these women repeatedly commit petty crimes in order to satisfy their craving. The unfortunate repercussions of this can include the loss of a job, a strain on their marriages, and an arrest record that can hold them back in their careers.”
What causes the disorder is unclear, the expert says.
“In some cases, it dates back to an experience in early adolescence,” Dr. Beevford reveals. “With one patient I treated, in eighth grade she had been forced to strip to her underwear in a search for missing money. The ‘tingle’ she felt was her first experience of arousal. She was driven to seek out that kind of arousal again and again.”
In the movie “Strip Search,” Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character is traumatized when she must bare all for a male Chinese interrogator.
Ashley confesses that she’s gone to incredible lengths to get her strip-search jollies.
“I’ve gone out on the lawn and screamed my head off so I could be arrested for disturbing the peace,” she says. “At airports, I’ll say something like ‘That Ben Affleck movie sounds like a real BOMB.’ ”
Ashley has been searched so many times that lady cops at the local police station and TSA workers at the Greater Cincinnati Airport know her by sight — and could describe the most intimate parts of her anatomy by memory.
“When we see her being brought in, we’re like, ‘Oh no, here ’the terrorist’ comes again,” said a Department of Homeland Security supervisor. “It may sound stupid to keep searching her, but if we didn’t one time and she blew up a plane, we’d have our heads handed to us on a platter.”
The devout Methodist, who’s treasurer of her church, says most of the searchers who know she has a problem try to be understanding and treat her gently. And that makes her pout like a 5-year-old.
“I hate that,“ she complains. “I prefer it when they’re rough and gruff, and say mean stuff like, ’Spread ’em wider, sweet cheeks — let’s see what you had for breakfast.’ ”
When they’re in a good mood, some searchers oblige. But others refuse to play ball.
“That crazy b____ is always up in here wanting me to be all butch-acting,” says Police Officer Tawashana Washington, 41. “That’s not how I roll.”
Going undercover in a women’s prison, Charlie’s Angels are grim-faced as they undergo a humiliating body-cavity search.
There are a range of treatment options for Hucken’s, ranging from medication to hypnotism. One of the most effective techniques in getting the strip-search monkey off victims’ backs has been what is known as Saturation Therapy.
“It’s like when you make a nicotine addict smoke 200 cigarettes in a row, until they’re absolutely sick of it,” explains Dr. Beevford. “With one of my patients, this approach succeeded so well that she told me, ‘If I never seen another gloved middle finger again, it will be too soon!’ ”
So far, Ashley has been lucky. Once her lawyer explains her strange mental problem, prosecutors have declined to press charges or judges have let her off the hook. But one frustrated assistant district attorney says there’s got to be a limit to the court‘s leniency.
“Every time this woman comes through the system, it costs the taxpayers money,” he fumes.
“Maybe a year being verbally abused and manhandled by big, tough women will cure her of this so-called ’disease’ once and for all.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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If you enjoyed this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his upcoming project. Vampires overrun a women’s prison in the graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in this graphic novel. A Kickstarter is underway right now!
THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
If you found this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you’ll love Volume One of his graphic novel Night Cage,in which vampires take over a women’s prison. Think ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Only a rightful heir to the British throne can wield Excalibur
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON — Newly wed Prince William received an unexpected wedding gift while on his honeymoon in the Seychelles — when a mysterious female hand emerged from the sea and handed him King Arthur’s sword Excalibur!
Three highly respected members of the Royal entourage — all members of Britain’s oldest families — swear “upon our honor as English gentlemen” that they witnessed the startling scene on the secluded beach.
“Prince William was resting in a hammock, sipping a pina colada with an umbrella in it, while Kate lay on a beach towel nearby working on an all-over tan,” says a member of the Royal couple’s tight-knit inner circle. “All of a sudden a spot in the water began to bubble and we heard eerie music, like a siren’s song. A seaweed-covered hand with long, delicate fingers came out of the water and beckoned with her index finger.
“One Royal bodyguard dove for a box of hand grenades on which a fruit platter rested, while the rest of us cowered in terror — except the Prince. He strode boldy toward the water and said in a stern voice, ‘Who goes there? As an heir to the throne of England I command you to show yourself.’
“The hand disappeared into the water for a moment like ‘Thing’ in that old American TV show ‘The Addams Family.’ When it reappeared it was holding a magnificent jeweled sword with writing in ancient runes on the side. We all gasped because we knew at once what it was. Prince William waded into the surf and fearlessly grasped the sword by the hilt. Then the hand vanished into the sea.”
TRANQUIL Seychelle Islands were setting for amazing drama for Prince William and bride Kate Middleton.
Experts in Arthurian lore say that Excalibur may only be wielded by a rightful heir to the crown and that it resurfaces only when Britain faces grave peril.
“We do not know what that peril shall be,” says Graham Whittlesbury, a leading Arthurian scholar. “There is enormous turmoil in the Middle East right now. Perhaps a threat will emerge from among the Muslims and Prince William will be called upon to lead a New Crusade to liberate the Holy Land.
“The British Isles may be faced new outbreak of the Black Plague or there might be another Potato Famine. We only know that with Excalibur in hand as a symbol of goodness and might, Prince William shall defend England from whatever danger arises.”
Young Arthur proves himself the rightful heir to the throne by pulling the mystical sword from a stone.
Excalibur is the most famous weapon in history. Called Caledfwlch in Welsh legends, it first appears in Arthurian lore as the Sword in the Stone. Buried to the hilt in an enormous boulder, it could only be pulled free by the rightful king of all England. Nobleman after nobleman tried and failed, but young Arthur succeeded — and became England’s greatest king.
King Arthur received Excalibur from the mysterious Lady of the Lake, according to legend.
The legendary sword was misplaced during a move, when King Arthur set up shop in his newly built castle Camelot. He was upset by the loss of the mystical symbol of good, but at that point all his knights’ efforts were going into the search for the Holy Grail, according to Geoffrey of Monmouth in his 12th-century work Historia Regum Britanniae. Years later, when Camelot faced a morale crisis, the mysterious hand appeared in a lake and returned Excalibur to Arthur.
“The Lady of the Lake has been identified as a Celtic water spirit named Nimue,” notes Whittlesbury.
Excalibur was by no means Arthur’s only weapon. Welsh tradition speaks of a dagger named Carnwennan and a spear named Rhongomyniad that belonged to him. He was also never without a migwrn pres (Welsh for brass knuckles) named Phillip that he kept in his left boot.
Beyond its symbolic value in rallying the knights of the Round Table, Excalibur was said to have extraordinary supernatural powers. Chief among these, the glimmering blade could blind the bearer’s enemies.
In Le Morte d’Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory writes, “It was so breyght in his enemyes eyen that it gaf light lyke thirty torchys.”
The magic sword vanished with Arthur’s death. It has only resurfaced a few times in history — always when England is in grave danger. In 1588, the island nation faced invasion from the Spanish Armada, the largest fleet ever assembled.
“Queen Elizabeth I found Excalibur in a well in her country retreat, Hampton Court,” reveals Whittlebury. “She brandished it as she ordered Sir Francis Drake and her other sea captains to ‘destroy our enemies before they ever reach England’s shores.’ ”
In June 1940, with most of continental Europe already conquered, Adolf Hitler’s Nazi hordes were massing for an all-out invasion of Britain. Prime Minister Winston Churchill had been told grimly by his generals that victory was impossible and surrender was the only option to prevent massive civilian casualties.
“Plans had already been drafted for the installation of a Vichy-style puppet government, along the lines of the one in occupied France,” reveals historian John Hetworth, author of Sir Winston Churchill and the Undelivered Speech. “RAF pilots and other military personnel were to report to internment camps and London bobbies were to be ordered to round up English Jews to be meekly turned over to the Germans.
“All blonde, blue-eyed, female members of the aristocracy were to be whisked away to ‘breeding centers’ to mate with SS officers and beef up Hitler’s Master Race.”
V FOR VICTORY: Sir Winston Churchill was England's greatest Prime Minister
On June 4, Churchil was walking along the banks of the Thames River, grimly rehearsing the speech he was to give on the radio that night, announcing his resignation and the British surrender, and telling the English people to ready themselves for occupation.
“Unfortunately for historians, only a few lines of Churchill’s intended speech are known to us,” says Hetworth. “The most familiar is, ‘The sun must set on every empire. It set on Rome, and tonight it sets on Britain.’ ”
As Churchill morosely mumbled these words to himself, he saw something that made the cigar fall from his mouth.
“Excalibur rose from the Thames, gleaming in the sunlight,” says the historian. “A few moments later it vanished, but Churchill took it as a sign.”
That night, before Parliament, instead of surrendering he issued a defiant speech, uttering the immortal words, “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”
Hitler, who’d been told by English diplomats to expect the Brits to knuckle under that night, was furious. He’d been planning to go on the radio five minutes after Churchill and crow about the British surrender to the German people.
“He felt betrayed,” says Hetworth.
Researchers know of only one more time that the sword appeared to a leader before now. Aides to Margaret Thatcher remember that seeing the legendary weapon arise from her bath water inspired England’s “Iron Lady” to rally British forces in their successsful war to keep South America’s Falkland Islands forever a free and proud part of the British Empire.
That the Lady of the Lake gave Excalibur to Prince William instead of his father Prince Charles is significant, experts say. Some have suggested this validates the sentiment of many citizens that the kingship should leap frog over the unpopular Charles and pass directly to his more handsome and better-liked son.
Referring to legends that date back to antiquity, some scholars suggest that the fact that Excalibur “chose” Prince William proves that he is actually a reincarnation of King Arthur himself.
Said Whittlebury, “That would mean that Arthur — the ‘Once and Future King’ of legend — is here to save the day as England faces what could be her deadliest threat ever.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
MEANWHILE, ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
Hour of the Beast is "the scariest werewolf novel since The Howling."
On the weekend of June 17, I attended the Horror Writers Association’s annual Bram Stoker Weekend, to promote my novel Hour of the Beast and soak up wisdom at the feet of industry insiders. Had the chance to hobnob with horror icons like Peter Straub.
A cool treat was getting to hang out with Dacre Stoker, great-grandnephew of Bram, the author of Dracula. A gracious, gentlemanly fellow South Carolinian, he’s co-author of The Undead, a sequel to Dracula that features Bram himself as a character. Lending the book a unique authenticity, Dacre draws upon family lore and Bram’s original notes for Dracula, including a detective character Bram created who didn’t make it into the classic novel. I asked Dacre if the family is still coasting on Dracula money. Sadly, no — it’s long gone, he says.
IN THE BLOOD: With Dacre Stoker, great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker.
Speaking of impressive horror pedigrees, Joe Hill, the son of Stephen King and an acclaimed horror writer in his own right, attended the annual Bram Stoker Awards banquet. Accepting an award on behalf of his famous father, he said, “My dad wanted me to tell you, ‘You’re a pack of sick @#!*% .’ ”
CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK: Horror writer Joe Hill is the son of Stephen King.
Wererabbits subdue hunter in this medieval drawing. The creatures rarely harm humans unless provoked.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON — The number of wererabbits in England has tripled in the past decade to a mind-boggling total of 1. 5 million, according to a recent government estimate. And officials warn that the population explosion threatens to put carrot farmers and other crop growers out of business.
“Britain’s wererabbit population is increasing at an exponential rate,” confirms a top aide to Prime Minister David Cameron. “If something isn’t done, they will outnumber ordinary humans by 2021.”
Though they rarely harm normal folks, the big-earred creatures are devastating to agriculture. A roaming herd can devour an entire field of lettuce or other produce in a single night.
“They’re insatiable, and because they have human intelligence, they are able to get around locked gates, electric fences and other barriers with little difficulty,” explains Cathryn Juneway, a respected naturalist.
The existence of wererabbits in the British Isles has been recorded since medieval times, when they were often shot with silver arrows by farmers trying to protect their crops.
“When they died, they would revert to human form,” Juneway reveals.
Wererabbits like this one in medieval woodcut have been observed in British isles since the beginning of recorded history.
“After the First World War, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals launched a campaign to discourage hunting and trapping, arguing that the creatures were humans in animal form,” Juneway continued. “The government instituted a formal ban in 1964 and instituted a program educating people in rural areas to avoid running wererabbits over with their cars. The program was all too successful because their numbers are now skyrocketing.”
Wererabbits gather in fields when the moon is full, where they mate with others of their kind. Their gestation period is about 21 days — shorter than an ordinary rabbit’s. Bunnies swiftly progress to adolecense, becoming mature enough to produce offspring themselves within four months.
“They produce large litters, up eight babies at a time,” says Juneway.
Few wererabbits are willing to speak publicly — many fearing that they’ll be mocked as comical creatures, unlike the more fearsome werewolves. But accountant Reginald Danbird, 45, of Windsor, has come out of the closet and argues that the shape-shifters can’t be blamed for their frisky ways.
“Ordinary people can’t understand what it’s like when you go through the change,” he said. “All you want to do is eat, poop little pellets and meet in the meadows to mate. The gatherings get rather rambunctious. It’s like one of those swinger parties you used to hear about back in the ’70s, except everyone has buck teeth and huge, floppy ears.”
The nation’s farmers are hopping mad about what they call government inaction. The British Association of Small Farmers is petitioning Parliament to allow hunting and poisoning of the pesky critters. But government officials are reluctant to change the longstanding policy.
“I understand the frustration of these hardworking farmers,” said the Prime Minister’s aide. “But these are human beings, most of the time. A plan for the use of humane traps is being considered — but killing them isn’t the answer.”
A veggie-devouring man-beast is on the loose in “Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-rabbit.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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MEANWHILE, ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
At the Yale College Bookstore, I signed copies of my book alongside Bryan Mark Rigg, author of “Hitler’s Jewish Soldiers.”
While attending my Yale College reunion on the May 28, 2011, I signed copies of my new book Hour of the Beast. It was quite an honor sitting beside a half-dozen other alumni authors. I was a bit intimidated, at first, showing up with my horror novel when most of the other books were dead-serious, scholarly works. But the other writers were a friendly and interesting bunch. Among the coolest dudes was Bryan Mark Rigg, author of Lives of Hitler’s Jewish Soldiers. Now that might sound like the shortest book ever written, but it turns out there’s a mind-blowing untold story here. As Rigg explained it, Hitler actually cut some slack to guys who were only a half or quarter Jewish. If you could demonstrate you had an exemplary military record, you could get a letter — signed by the Fuhrer himself — explaining that you’d been “purified” of your Jewish blood. And have the honor of fighting for Germany in World War II!
Hour of the Beast is set at a fictional Ivy League college inspired by Yale, with the same enormous Gothic buildings and mysterious tunnels. I thought I’d exaggerated the spookiness of the place in the book, but when I visited for the first time in years, I realized that the campus is, if anything, scarier at night than I remembered.
My alma mater Yale is even more Gothic than I remembered it.
The best part of the signing is that the first three people to buy the book were old friends from freshman year — the cute blonde cheerleader-type, the guy who directed me in our school play and the wacky girl with the great sense of humor who loved weird stories — and still does. How cool is that!
In my scariest childhood nightmare ever, a man hears a weird whistle that draws him like a siren into a ruined mansion — where he’s cut into mincemeat by an unseen, supernatural entity. In the scariest play I’ve ever seen, “The Woman in Black,” a vengeful undead wraith preys on whoever sets foot in her decaying home. In the last movie to genuinely frighten me, “The Grudge”, a hideous harpy with wild, ragged hair hides out in a haunted house and murders every unlucky visitor (even tracking down and dispatching folks who heed the obvious warnings to get out).
So it was quite an unusual, sum-of-all-fears reading experience to find those elements combined in a single bone-chilling, atmospheric comic titled “Pigeons from Hell.”
The ultra-creepy comic is based on a 1932 short story by Robert E. Howard. (Yep, Conan’s creator did more than just churn out yarns about pumped up he-men with Viking hats. A buddy of H.P. Lovecraft, he too was a master of the horror genre and the pair engaged in a robust correspondence about the supernatural.)
The chiller is just one of 30 great zombie tales in The Mammoth Book of Zombie Comics, edited by David Kendall.
An eerie whistle lures a victim to the lair of this zombie she-devil in “Pigeons from Hell.”
You might expect that a 453-page anthology packed with nothing but zombie stories would get old in a hurry. But nothing could be further from the truth. What I love about this book is the astonishing variety of plots, themes, and visual styles.
In the blackly humorous “Dead Eyes Open,” the theme of discrimination is explored when millions of people return from the dead with their minds fully intact. The first celebrity “returner” is Wil Wheaton of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame. The undead former child actor pleads for acceptance of the new minority group and an end to the “re-murder” of his kind by trigger-happy vigilantes.
Based on an old folktale, “The Zombie“ takes place in Africa, where voodoo has its roots and zombies are the tragic victims of sorcerers.
In “Necrotic: Dead Flesh on a Living Body,” an Egyptologist discovers that mummification provides the key to immortality — with a terrible price.
An Egyptologist’s bid to cheat death has a few glitches in “Necrotic: Dead Flesh on a Living Body.”
The book offers a visual buffet, featuring styles ranging from the three-dimensional realism of the space-zombie story “Flight from Earth,” illustrated by Roman Surzhenko, to the minimalist avante guarde approach taken by artist Iain Laurie in “Pariah.”
Previously, I’d never found zombies either interesting or all that scary (after the shock of my first viewing of “Night of the Living Dead” as a kid). Unlike vampires and werewolves, who have an inner life and are often tortured by guilt, zombies are almost always presented on film as mindless, flesh-eating killing machines. And usually pretty easy to kill, once you figure out to shoot ’em in the head. (Often they can be taken out of commission by a baseball bat or solid uppercut).
But the stories in this collection pose some deep philosophical questions. “Zombies,” for example, explores that old trick of mimicking the infected to slip by them — dating back at least as far as “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and parodied to hilarious effect in “Shaun of the Dead.” The shocking ending raises the question, “How far would you be willing to go to survive?”
This interview with a zombified Star Trek C-list celeb Wil Wheaton would have been the perfect finale for Oprah’s TV show.
Varying rules and explanations for zombism abound; the creators are not restricted by the mythology established in Hollywood by Romero. Some zombies are created the old fashioned way by wicked voodoo practitioners, while in “Amy,” disembodied alien invaders travel light-years to animate the corpses of earthlings.
You know, when “28 Days Later” came out, many reviewers praised director Danny Boyle for “reinventing the zombie genre.” Bull. While deserving of kudos for its grim, digital-video look, artistic flourishes and thought-provoking climax, the zombies themselves were the same brainless, cannibalistic monsters of “Night of the Living Dead” and its sequels — just a whole lot quicker.
And while the character-driven “Walking Dead” graphic novel and the TV series based on it boast some intriguing situations and relationships, these truly ARE your father’s zombies. Comic book writer Robert Kirkman makes no claim to have re-invented the genre. He doesn’t believe it needs re-invention. In his intro to Volume One, he extols the virtues of well-scripted zombie flicks like the “Dawn of the Dead” remake, acknowledging his debt to them. Really, the mess hero Rick Grimes and his fellow survivors find themselves in could have been ANY end-of-the world scenario; those shambling, “classic” zombies are just a plot device.
But in “The Mammoth book of Zombie Comics,” you WILL find the genre re-invented again and again in delightful, deliciously scary way
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
ZURICH — Is your werewolf’s constant misbehavior driving you crazy? Stop pulling your hair out and enroll your wolfman in one of four obedience schools that have cropped up in Switzerland.
At institutions like the Lycanthrope Academy outside Zurich, ill-mannered man-beasts are trained to become docile and obedient.
“Werewolves come here tearing up furniture, chasing postmen and sullenly ignoring commands,” states Juergan Lichtenwalter, director of the school. “They leave here helpful companions that will obey orders instantly and even delight their masters’ guests with a variety of tricks.”
Werewolves are common household pets in Switzerland, Germany and France, and function in a broad range of service roles as well. Some serve as guard dogs, rescue animals, sheep herders, drug sniffers and of course companions to the blind.
When well trained, the loyal and intelligent creatures can be wonderful in all those roles, outshining even German shepherds. But unruly, poorly trained and disobedient werewolves can be a nightmare.
“Before we brought King to the obedience school, he was always leaving poop around the house and no amount of swats on the behind with rolled up newspaper would stop him,” reveals Annalise Landenber, 42. “He wouldn’t quit humping my leg. And once, when I tried to take our milkman’s femur away from him, he snapped at me.
“King wouldn’t even answer to his own name. But after six weeks at the school, he’s like a whole new wolfman. If you say ‘Come,’ he comes. ‘Roll over’ or ‘Beg’ and he rolls over and begs.”
The exclusive Lycanthrope Academy, which opened its doors three years ago, accepts only pedigreed werewolves, while its three imitators train mixed breeds as well.
The owners of the academy refuse to divulge their training methods, calling them a “trade secret.” But the director disputes accusations on an animal rights blog that cattle prods and silver canes are used to cow the creatures into submission.
“Our approach draws upon the latest research in both animal and human psychology,” explains Licthenwalter. “Once you understand that a werewolf has two sides – the canine side that is pack-oriented, intuitive and uninhibited and the human side, which is intelligent and rational — it’s mostly a matter of communicating with them in a gentle but firm manner.
“You have to show them that you love them, but also who’s the boss.”
Ms. Landenber, an administrative assistant and mother of four, couldn’t be happier.
“I’m seriously thinking about entering him in the big contest in Geneva this fall,” she reveals. “I think he could win Best in Show.”
A good candidate for obedience school.
On the Hour of the Beast front, the book launch party for my new horror novel was a smashing success! A good time was had by readers who packed Fiction Addiction in Greenville, SC. You can get the scoop on this bone-chilling werewolf story by clicking HERE.
My book launch party at Fiction Addiction drew readers from all walks of life, from sewing teacher Eileen Bunch to contractor Sam Lewis.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
I have a terrific new book to recommend: Hour of the Beast. Of course, I’m a wee bit prejudiced, since I wrote it!
That’s right, folks. My much-anticipated first novel has been published at last. You can order it at any bookstore, and it’s available on Amazon. But the easiest, fasted and cheapest way to get it is at http://freedomshammer.com.
It’s a pretty cool website. Among other things, you’ll find my 50 best Weekly World News stories, plus Chapter One read by yours truly. (Sorry, Morgan Freeman was booked up). And yes, for you cheapos they’ve got it in eBook format too.
Here’s a quick synopsis:
The nightmare begins on a lonely country road when young bride Elaine Stern suffers “a fate worse than death” at the hands of a werewolf. Nine months later, the traumatized woman gives birth to a pair of fraternal twins.
One, Jason, is frail, bespectacled and timid. The other, Joshua, is aggressive and hairy, with uncanny strength. When the boys are in their teens, they arrive at HallertonCollege, a mysterious place where weird things tend to happen even before they get there. The horror goes into overdrive when a string of grisly murders paralyzes the campus. As the body count mounts, Jason begins to suspect that his brother has inherited the curse of lycanthropy. He races to find a cure, enlisting the help of the wise, adventurous and beautiful Professor Cairo Oldewood.
Also along for the ride are Cameron, a gorgeous blonde coed, and Jason’s roommate Dylan, a fearless extreme-sports junkie who will do anything for a thrill — even face the full fury of a rampaging monster. Together, to save Joshua’s soul, they must solve a centuries-old mystery before the full moon rises again, and before the hour of the beast is upon them!
I’ve got some enthusiastic feedback pouring in from the fellow writers who’ve read it so far:
“A new master of the horror genre is upon us! Hour of the Beast is a gripping story, filled with great characters and some stunning plot twists. A fresh, sexy new take on the classic werewolf story. From the opening chapter, the tension increases as the action accelerates toward a precarious pinnacle. Plot lines introduced early return in a frenetic bundle at the climax of this fast-moving tale.”
– John J. Stevens, author ofFire Island.
“Hour of the Beast is written in fire and blood. This gripping, fast-paced mystery/thriller features anIndiana Jones-type heroine, Cairo Oldewood. It will keep you turning the page to the very last horror.” –
– J.e. Franklin, winner of New York Drama Desk Award.
And you can bet your sweet bippy Stephen King will feel exactly the same way as soon as he’s done reading it.
So, visit the website and order your copy – plus the dynamite poster of the cover art by the great British artist Martin McKenna, and a t-shirt while you’re at it. (Key chains, caps, mugs and of course Hour of the Beast thongs are on the way).
Or run, don’t walk to your nearest bookstore to order your copy of Hour of the Beast.
Exact age of sinister relic is unknown, but some experts believe it is at least 13,500 years old.
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — The infamous Pitchfork of Lucifer has vanished from a vault beneath a prominent Satanist church, and authorities are 99 percent certain that Vatican agents are responsible!
Without the sinister occult object — seen wielded by the Evil One at Black Masses dating back hundreds of years — Satan will be virtually incapable of operating in the physical world, experts say.
“Here is some upbeat news for a change,” declared Dr. Robert J. Fecklerman, a professor of history and top authority on the occult. “Yes, there will continue to be natural disasters, like that earthquake in Japan, but evils on the scale of World War II won’t happen.
“The theft of his pitchfork pretty much puts Satan out of commission.”
The break-in occurred on April 21 at about 2 am, under the noses of more than a dozen security guards at the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light, near the Golden Gate Bridge.
“The perpetrators have not been identified, but in the safe, in place of the stolen object, a small silver crucifix was left, which we’ve been advised is a calling card of Vatican operatives,” said Police Detective Brian McAdeems, the lead investigator.
The notorious Pitchfork has traded hands many times over the centuries, sometimes kept under lock and key by God-fearing guardians, sometimes in the possession of evildoers.
“It’s kind of like that football trophy the Bronze Turkey which has been stolen back and forth by pranksters at Monmouth and Knox colleges for decades,” explained Dr. Fecklerman. “Except that the consequences when this artifact changes hands are far more serious.”
The Devil is seldom seen in public without his trademark symbol of evil, as shown in the cult classic movie “The Undead.”
The origins of the mysterious occult object are unknown. One legend has it that the Pitchfork was forged in the fires of hell itself. A scientific study conducted on the 46-inch long, trident-like relic in 1989 — when it was in the hands of good guys — revealed that it is made of iron, lead, mercury, scandium plus several unknown alloys, including two elements not found on the periodic table.
Historians say the Pitchfork of Lucifer first surfaced in during the Crusades, when Knights Templar loyal to King Henry III retrieved it from Muslim fanatics after the liberation of Jerusalem in 1229.
“During dark times like the Spanish Inquisition and the Reign of Terror, the Pitchfork was in the hands of devil worshippers,” explains Dr. Fecklerman. “During the Age of Enlightenment and the founding of the United States, it was in the hands of the Catholic Church and other proponents of good.”
In the early 1920s, the Roaring Twenties, when the world was at peace, the Pitchfork was safely tucked away in the hands of Tibetan monks high in the Himalayan Mountains.
But in 1923, a band of German occultists belonging to a group called the Thule Society visited the monastery and, during an overnight stay, swiped the Pitchfork from their kindly hosts.
“One of these occult enthusiasts was a mediocre postcard painter who previously showed no particular leadership skills,” says Dr. Fecklerman. “With the Pitchfork of Lucifer in his possession, he grew in power with uncanny speed.
“That man’s name was Adolf Hitler.”
The theft from the nation’s most respected Satanist church was audacious and demonstrated a high level of sophistication, authorities say. To reach the vault, the perpetrators tunneled through 30 feet of rocky soil from the basement of a building across the street. Then they used high-tech laser tools to cut through the 12-inch-thick safe.
Satanists are crying foul, accusing police of being sympathetic to the thieves, and demanding that the culprits be apprehended and brought to justice.
“I seem to remember a line in the so-called Good Book about ‘Thou shalt not steal,’” remarked Jarvis Gretzen, Archbishop of the 12,000-member Satanist church. “In committing this crime, the Papists have committed the ultimate act of hypocrisy.”
Questioned by reporters, the Vatican refused to either confirm or deny that the Pope’s agents were involved in the theft.
A Vatican spokesman said simply, “Anything that demoralizes the worshippers of evil is a positive development.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth’s horror novel Hour of the Beast is “gripping and fast-paced,” critics say.
TO READ CHAPTER ONE OF HOUR OF THE BEAST, CLICK HERE
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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