Years ago, in college, I was midway through the book Sherlock Holmes vs. Dracula by Loren D. Estleman, when I enthusiastically told my roommate I was reading a novel about the pair butting heads.
“So am I,” he marveled, holding up his dog-eared paperback copy of The Holmes-Dracula Files by Fred Saberhagen. Two books on the same theme, by authors who took the premise in entirely different directions. It turns out the great detective has had multiple literary run-ins with the Lord of Darkness over the years. A clash of the contemporaries was inevitable. They are the two most enduring characters in fiction – one the epitome of Victorian rationality, the other the embodiment of its dark, sensual counterpart.
Purists object to any Holmes tale involving the supernatural, but the possibility of the hero venturing off his usual turf appeals to me. And the more, the merrier. I’d love to see a three-way mashup, where Sherlock and Tarzan team up to battle Dracula in Africa!
Dracula does not make an appearance in the entertaining graphic novel Sherlock Holmes and the Vampires of London, but the sleuth does face some equally implacable foes, principally the aristocratic vampire Lord Selymes.
UPPERCRUST VAMPIRE Lord Selymes is the perfect host.
The story is set in 1891, during Sherlock’s hiatus after his supposed death fighting Professor Moriarty at Reichenbach Falls. A rogue vampire has been viciously murdering prominent Englishman, for reasons unknown. Selymes, with the help of his legion of bloodsucking minions, coerces a reluctant Holmes into tracking the fiend down. The “stakes” are high. If the killing spree doesn’t stop, Queen Victoria – who tolerates vampires in her realm – will have no choice but to order their extermination.
The writer Sylvain Cordurie is faithful to Conan Doyle, when it comes to Holmes’ personality and methods. The detective relies on his powerful intellect to defeat his undead foes. In one clever move, he imbibes holy water to dispatch a vampire who makes the mistake of biting him. The detective’s expertise in chemistry also plays a critical role in the story.
BOTTOMS UP: Holmes uses his brain to get the better of a bloodsucker.
Watson, as yet unaware that Holmes is alive, is not aboard for this adventure. The story is told as a memoir Holmes writes to his friend. The doctor’s absence is sorely felt; now I understand why Conan Doyle gave his cerebral hero a companion to begin with. Holmes, true to form, is emotionally detached throughout, whereas Watson’s reactions – terror, revulsion, disbelief – would have added another dimension to the tale. As it is, the book has a somewhat dispassionate tone. In fact, the writer doesn’t even include a moment in which the logical Holmes is shocked to learn of the existence of vampires. He’s pretty “sanguine” about the blood-drinkers, pardon the pun.
Irene Adler, the woman Sherlock became smitten with in A Scandal in Bohemia, does appear in vampire form – or rather her lookalike appears. You see, the real Irene apparently died two years earlier. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. SPOILER ALERT: The vampire is not Irene. The writer missed a golden opportunity here to offer Holmes an irresistible temptation.
Sherlock’s only love interest IRENE ADLER is back — or is she?
The artist Laci does a crackerjack job depicting fog-enshrouded 19th century London, with attention to details of architecture and costume. Colorist Alex Gonzalbo’s use of a limited palette contributes to the grim atmosphere. I wasn’t crazy about how Holmes was drawn, however. His facial expression rarely changes, and while we know he is coldly logical, we want human reactions at critical points. I was also disappointed that Irene’s double is not more alluring. Irene had sex appeal to spare – shouldn’t a vampire version be more vampy?
I also have a beef with the dimensions. The book was originally published in France at 12.5 x 9 inches, but the U.S. version put out by Dark Horse is reduced to a stingy 10 ½ x 7 inches. The panels look cramped, and some of the drama and beauty of the art is lost. I would have enjoyed the reading experience more in a larger format.
All in all, though, two fangs up for a book that fans of Sherlock Holmes and/or vampires will enjoy
And written by this reviewer:
THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
For the first time, last weekend I attended Dragon Con, the nation’s premier science fiction and fantasy convention, in costume – decked out in a Zorro outfit. Posing with other attendees in wild getups was fun, but the highlight was getting to see two of my favorite genre stars in the flesh.
I never before paid for a photo with the former star of a TV series. Not only did it seem like clingy celebrity worship — plus a waste of money — I always felt embarrassed for fading screen idols reduced to scraping by on $20 a pop. But when I spotted James Marsters, who played bleached blond cockney vampire Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I couldn’t resist. Not because I especially wanted a memento, but just for the opportunity to tell him face-to-face what a smashing job he did on the show. As I told the actor, he took viewers on a wonderful journey, deftly pulling off comedy, drama – even singing in the famous musical episode.
Marsters gave my Zorro costume a thumbs up.
Marsters modestly responded that the writers “gave me such wonderful stuff to work with.” Which is certainly true. The arc of the character, who goes from villainous Billy Idol from hell to love-struck romantic hero, was one of the best ever written for the tube. Still a consummate actor, Marsters managed to make every fan on line feel like they shared a “moment” with him. (He complimented me on my “cool costume.”) Some of his legion of female admirers may have been a bit disappointed, though. A card on the table politely informed them that there should be no requests for “kissing, hugging or biting.”
Thousands packed a ballroom to hear TV legend William Shatner.
Later, in a giant ballroom filled to capacity, I got to see my boyhood hero Captain Kirk himself speak. Bouncing around the stage buoyantly, the actor’s energy and mental agility belied his 85 years. It was a striking – and welcome – contrast to the classic Star Trek episode “The Deadly Years,” in which a mysterious disease causes Kirk to age rapidly, and he goes senile!
Aging decades in just hours, Kirk shows signs of dementia.
A voracious reader, who chatted excitedly about the latest book he’d read on the intelligence of birds, Shatner proved himself far from the vapid egotist some see him as (an image spoofed hilariously by Tim Allen in the movie Galaxy Quest.) Shatner got deep as he recounted his discussion with astrophysicist Stephen Hawking for a science documentary. Surprisingly, when given an opportunity to ask Shatner a question, the genius posed the same superficial one any elementary school kid would: What was your favorite episode? The truth, the actor admitted, was that he recalls few details from the show in which he appeared 50 years ago.
In an episode titled “Let That Be Your Last Battleground,” race hatred destroys a civilization — and even Kirk can’t fix it.
“I barely remember what hotel I woke up in this morning,” he joked. The star did say that in general what intrigued him were the episodes built around “big ideas.” In particular, he cited the one featuring a pair of aliens from the same planet, who hate each other because one is white on the right side and black on the left, the other just the reverse. Even when I watched it as a kid, the message about racial tolerance seemed heavy handed. The duo hail from “the southern part of the galaxy,” Spock informed the captain. But I guess in the 1960s, when TV’s first interracial kiss was shocking to viewers, you had to pound people over the head.
Playing a young Army officer, Shatner helps Spencer Tracy prosecute Nazi leaders in Judgment at Nuremberg.
Asked about his experience as a young actor in Judgment in Nuremberg (1961), he recalled how the director sat the cast down and screened for them death camp footage of corpses being mowed into a trench by a bulldozer. He still wonders how humans can be capable of such bestial behavior, yet also incredible nobility and self-sacrifice. (That duality was, of course, the subject of another memorable episode, in which Kirk is split into a good half and evil half, due to a transporter malfunction.)
Bill played a master of disguise on TV’s short-lived Barbary Coast.
But the former starship skipper was mostly funny. Asked about the short-lived 1975 series The Barbary Coast, in which he played a master of disguise, he reenacted the grueling experience of being made up as three different characters every day, often with elaborate prosthetics. It was such a pain in the butt that even though it was his first gig on the air since Star Trek ended nearly a decade earlier, “When it was cancelled after 13 weeks, I was glad!”
“Stewardess!” Bill finds the skies not so friendly in this classic Twilight Zone episode.
In a famous Twilight Zone episode “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet,” Shatner played an airline passenger recovering from a nervous breakdown, who keeps spotting a gremlin on the wing. He frantically tries to alert the flight crew, but naturally no one believes him. The TV legend revealed that when he flew with his children, they invariably made him prank stewardesses. They’d buzz for one, and when she came over, he’d turn from the window, making “the face.”
Mock Shatner for “overacting,” all you want. I maintain he’s way underrated. As is often the case with good performances, it seems like the actor is simply playing himself. But before being cast as the swaggering, self-assured, macho Kirk, he was best known for portraying weak or neurotic characters like the one described above. He wasn’t typecast. What holds up best, as you watch the original series today, are those mind-blowing ideas, and Shatner’s performance. As he once said in an interview, he’s always been a storyteller, and you can see him reinforce the plot, note by note in each scene, with his acting choices. Experiencing what a splendid raconteur he is was a great reminder of this.
Still, I’m not above poking fun at Shatner’s acting style, as anyone knows who’s seen my impression.
Below are some more of my favorite Dragon Con moments:
Plenty of time to clown around at the convention.
Cute and creepy, you’ve got to hand it to her.
The convention was heavily populated by Harley Quinns, like this one in the parade.
This Harley didn’t really put much effort into makeup — but who cares?
Not every female attendee at Dragon Con found me irresistible.
The highlight of the convention for my son was this brawl between Godzilla and a T-rex, cheered on by Star Wars bounty hunters.
As usual, oodles of scantily clad ladies roamed the convention.
Bright idea for costumes: Uncle Fester and Wednesday.
A formidable alien warrior — except maybe for his weapon.
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.
“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”
Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”
“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”
MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.
Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.
For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.
“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”
The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.
“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”
The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges across the country.
“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
The audiobook edition of my novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House is now on sale on Amazon and iTunes. Narrating the book was a delightful experience, but extraordinarily challenging. I had to draw upon my gift for mimicry to pull of Conan Doyle’s Scottish brogue, as well as Cockney and Southern accents.
It helped that I’ve been imitating Sean Connery for years, and can nail him pretty well, as I do in this James Bond spoof. If you check it out, don’t laugh so hard you forget to return to this page and follow the link to the free sample of the audiobook.
In the novel, the creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest escape artist team up to solve a paranormal mystery.The Sherlock Holmes Society of London hails it as “an adventure story with depth, full of atmosphere, suspense, ingenuity.”
MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!
Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.
“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”
Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.
“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities. “We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: Six-legged deer is one of many animal mutants spawned by radioactive fallout from Chernobyl.
The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.
Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.
“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”
Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.
TRAGIC: This boy’s mom was exposed to Chernobyl radiation, resulting in a harmful genetic mutation.
“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.
“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”
However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on
“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”
RUTHLESS Russian ruler Vladimir Putin is bent on world domination — and may be out of his mind, U.S. intelligence officials fear.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Editor’s note: We apologize if this news satire seems in questionable taste (to put it mildly) given Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. At the time it was originally published several years ago, we didn’t know just how much of a bloodthirsty madman Putin really is. Chernobyl had been on no one’s mind for years and the notion of the strongman rounding people up seemed comically farfetched).
But if you enjoyed this creative mix of horror and black humor by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you’ll love his graphic novel Night Cage,
A spine-tingling and steamy tale about vampires taking over a women’s prison. (Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Caged Heat).
BOSTON — A titanic four-day battle between good and evil reached a dramatic climax when a plucky 82-year-old exorcist drove out the evil spirit that possessed the deadly Panties of Peril.
“Father O’Leary struggled to hold the cursed underwear down in a bathtub full of Holy Water, and he shouted, ‘Return to the evil pit that bore you, I command thee in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,’” says shaken eyewitness Laurence Wiskerbloom. “The water bubbled, turning boiling hot, then this hideous black cloud of smoke shot out of the tub and disappeared through the window.’”
The hero priest, Father Kirklan O’Leary, was bruised, battered and exhausted after ridding the notorious undies of the demonic entity. Expected to make a full recovery, he takes no credit for his victory.
“It was the power of the Almighty, working through me, that defeated the tool of Satan,” he said modestly in a phone interview from his hospital bed.
The Panties of Peril had been labeled the world’s most dangerous paranormal object by psychic investigators. Since 2010, they have been implicated in the deaths of at least 12 people, including eight women and one transvestite who made the fatal mistake of putting them on. Five previous attempts had been made to exorcize the lethal lingerie, all ending in disaster.
“Three of the exorcists — an evangelical minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo master — perished in the attempt,” confirms Dan Greavesby, an investigator from the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research. “The legendary demon hunter Rev. Jim Bookley — renowned as ‘The World’s Toughest Exorcist — went stark raving mad and is now in an institution. And the last Catholic priest to take on the panties vanished without a trace.”
The mysterious saga of the uncanny undies has perplexed and intrigued researchers the world over. The victims all died in bizarre “freak accidents,” as reported here. Although ordinary in appearance, the pink cotton panties have a dark and tragic past. Investigators traced them to a sweatshop in the Philippines that collapsed due to lax enforcement of safety regulations.
“Over 90 workers were killed, including one named Isagani Ocampo who was a practitioner of Kulam, a sinister local form of black magic,” explains Greavesby. “We believe that it is his vengeful spirit that possessed the panties.”
As the panties passed from owner to owner, they racked up an increasingly alarming body count, and were eventually turned over to the Institute for safe keeping. Just months later they were stolen from a titanium vault, and dropped out of sight.
Wealthy businessman Wiskerbloom bought the underwear at auction for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult.
“I didn’t believe the panties held any special powers, I was just humoring Bethany,” Wiskerbloom recalls. “When she tried to harness the panties’ energy in a ceremony, in a circle of candles, her robes caught fire and she burned to death. I knew from that moment that it was my responsibility to see that the monstrous evil in those panties was destroyed forever–even if it meant spending my entire fortune and devoting the rest of my life to it.”
Priests have their hands full with possessed teen in “The Exorcist” (1972)
Father O’Leary, a respected former exorcist trained at the Vatican, came out of retirement in his native Dublin only after Wiskerbloom wrote him repeatedly pleading for his assistance. The clergyman carried out the grim ritual in a guest bathroom of the millionaire’s mansion. He admits that for a while, it was touch and go.
“Every time I touched the panties, I felt an unpleasant sensation like an electric shock shoot through my body,” Father O’Leary says. “On the fourth day, I began to hear a snide voice inside my head, taunting me — even making crude sexual remarks about my sainted mother, God bless her soul.
“I summoned the strength to fight back, telling the possessed undergarment, ‘Well, you’re nothing but a cheap, flimsy pair of shite-stained granny panties!’”
Researchers have confirmed that the once-dreaded drawers are now harmless, measuring zero on a high-tech EMF meter that measures psychic energy. Their ultimate fate is now up in the air.
“Mr. Wiskerbloom wanted them shredded and burned, understandably,” Greavesby says. “I would like to see them on display in the Institute’s museum of cursed objects. But right now the Catholic Church has possession of them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they end up in that vast repository in Vatican along with so many other objects such as the Pitchfork of Lucifer — never to see the light of day again.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this remarkable tale by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
CAIRO – The Great Pyramid of Giza is like an iceberg: only about 1/10th of it is visible above the surface – the rest is buried below the sand!
That is the astounding claim of a renegade archaeologist who says the discovery was made early in 2013, but Egypt’s ruling military junta has kept it secret from the world for unknown reasons.
“The Great Pyramid stands approximately 455 feet, but below the surface, the structure extends more than 1,000 feet deep,” claims Dr. Abdul Sulieman Khatani, who says he is former Assistant Director of Antiquities.
“We detected the previously unknown cavity using a combination of cutting-edge technologies including infrared thermography, muon radiography, and 3-D reconstruction. We have no idea what is in this enormous section of the pyramid. It’s baffling. We do know that the effort needed to remove that many million metric tons of sand was beyond monumental. The Great Pyramid is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, but now that we understand the almost incomprehensible scale of the project, it becomes something far, far more than that.”
Khatani says he served under former president Mohammed Morsi, who was deposed in a military coup in 2013 – just weeks after the discovery. The new government seized all evidence of the amazing find and threatened to jail any scientist involved in the project who dared to go public, according to Khatani.
“They didn’t tell us why they were shutting us down,” the expatriate scientist told a Dutch science magazine. “Presumably they believe there is something down there of tremendous importance.”
The Great Pyramid of Giza is one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.
Egyptologists believe The Great Pyramid was built as a tomb for fourth dynasty pharaoh Khufu around 2560 BC. However, it’s a mystery how the massive monument was constructed. Experts disagree about whether the huge stones were dragged, lifted, rolled or even “teleported” into place. The engineering is so advanced — at a time when some wooly mammoths still roamed the earth — that some have suggested it is the handiwork of extraterrestrials.
“Most of us viewed the alien theory as silly in the past, but the discovery of this vast, mysterious chamber makes it seem not quite so ridiculous,” Khatani observed. “One of my colleagues suggested that it could contain a secret ‘workshop’ housing alien machinery. Another theorized that it could be a bunker for the Egyptian royal family, and that they and possibly hundreds of their followers lived there in a ‘hidden civilization’ for years, perhaps even centuries after the dynasty fell.”
The vast majority of an iceberg lies underwater, unseen.
Experts are highly skeptical about the scientist’s claims.
“It sounds totally outlandish,” says British archaeologist Lester K. Pinson. “Forgive me, but this Dr. Khatani seems to be a crank. Are we even quite certain he is who claims?”
Yet, there is no doubt that much remains unknown about the ancient monument. In 1993, German engineer Rudolf Gantenbrink used a crawler robot to explore the Queen’s Chamber and discovered a mysterious limestone door. Nine years later, scientists from National Geographic Society drilled a small hole in the door, only to find another door behind it. In 2011, scientists poked a fiber-optic “micro-snake camera” that could see around corners through the hole. They discovered a strange, small room with undecipherable hieroglyphs written in red paint.
Experts were surprised to find bodies buried below the Easter Island heads.
The startling discovery that the giant Easter Island heads actually have bodies also lends some credence to the findings of Dr. Khatani’s team, as does the fact that the ruins of an extensive complex were recently found beneath the meadows surrounding Stonehenge.
After the military removed President Morsi, who was backed by the controversial Muslim Brotherhood, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, head of the Egyptian Armed Forces, emerged as leader. A spokesman for the new government refused to either confirm or deny the archaeologist’s assertions, and even refused to verify that Khatini ever held a position in the previous regime.
It’s frustrating that the government refuses to cooperate,” says American Egyptologist Howard Brigland. “If Dr. Khatani’s claims are borne out, this is the most important archaeological discovery in more than 100 years – perhaps ever. It is imperative that we learn what is in that cavity.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this little confection by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
This blog recently reached a landmark 2 million views. For ages, readers have begged me to collect the best stories in an eBook, and I finally have. Bizarre News is a treasure trove of stories too outrageous for even the tabloids to print — and that CNN wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot poll. Articles that are too steamy, too sacrilegious, too politically incorrect…in short, too damned hot to handle.
As a reporter for the infamous Weekly World News, known best for its coverage of blockbuster stories like Batboy, I wrote some astounding stories, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. The book is available on Amazon Kindle or, in other formats, on Smashwords
THE DEMON Orsinox normally speaks in a deep, masculine voice and resembles this terrifying image found on Feelgraphix wallpaper.
BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!
For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”
“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”
The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.
“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”
At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.
“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”
Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.
The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!
For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”
Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.
After months of investigation, paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven.
Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.
“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, visit his website. You’ll find book trailers for his horror novels and thrillers, his 50 greatest stories for the notorious Weekly World News and much more.
In C. Michael Forsyth’s latest thriller, two legendary figures team up to solve a paranormal mystery.
PROFESSOR Van Helsing would have racked up a far higher vampire body count if he’d simply stuck with good old-fashioned firepower.
By C. Michael Forsyth
HOUSTON — Next time a vampire attacks you at home, don’t scramble for a crucifix or holy water – just shoot the bloodthirsty fiend in the head! Contrary to popular belief, vampires can be easily killed by ordinary bullets, an expert reveals.
“All the folklore about garlic, wooden stakes, holy water and the like is malarkey cooked up by vampires and spread to confuse the public,” claims vampirologist Kervin Norbosky. “The last thing they want you to do is pull your .44 Magnum from your night stand, or your trusty AR-15 from under the bed and blow them to kingdom come. Their hope is that you waste time searching the pantry for garlic or sharpening a stake in your workshop.”
According to medieval Catholic theologians, vampires are spawned when a body that has, for unknown reasons, failed to decay in a timely manner becomes possessed by the spirit of a demon that requires human blood for nourishment.
“Since the body is that of a person, it can be taken out with a bullet to the brain, just like a zombie or any other one of the 17 other types of revenants,” the Houston-based expert explains.
Indeed, it was the emergence of firearms in the 16th century that first convinced the undead to launch the cunning disinformation campaign.
“Until that time, vampires could depend on their superior strength and speed to avoid death at the hands of peasants armed with pitchforks and torches,” notes Norbosky. “Now they realized there was a very real danger of being hunted down by mobs armed with pistols and muskets.”
At an annual meeting held in Madrid on Oct. 11, 1582, the vampires held a brainstorming session to dream up bogus “weaknesses.” According to the recently discovered diary of British vampire Lord Edgar Hadsworth, the ideas ranged from the offbeat to the ludicrous.
“One member of The Society doth believe that Rumour be circulated that we feareth running water. Another Member proposed rabbits, and a third doth state that the mortals must be Led to believe that we may be killed only by a thump on the knee with a wooden spoon.”
The supposed vulnerabilities have made their way into Hollywood movies, books and TV shows, and are known to virtually everyone on the planet. But if the general public wises up, it could mean curtains for the blood-drinking bad guys – particularly in the United States.
“Americans own roughly 1.3 guns per capita, meaning we’ve got close to 357 million firearms here — contrasted with an estimated 830 vampires,” Norbosky points out. “If they go after vampires loaded for bear, they will be extinct on this continent in a matter of months.
USELESS: The greatest trick vampires ever pulled was convincing the world that holy water, crucifixes, garlic are effective weapons against them.
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C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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