Archive for the ‘Donald Trump’ Category
A distinctive march is critical to the success of a world leader.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Choreographers, band leaders and military school drill instructors from across America are flooding the White House with suggestions for a unique new marching step for Donald Trump’s upcoming military parade. The proposed steps run the gamut from modified versions of standard marches to highly creative moves inspired by such sources as Hollywood musicals and animal gaits.
“It’s fairly common for world leaders to be honored with personalized marches,” says Eugene Chesterfold, who has choreographed parades for numerous feature films. “Most famously, Adolf Hitler’s troops used the Stechmarsh, better known as the Goose Step, and over the years many other strongmen including Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, Idi Amin, the Shah of Iran and North Korea’s current ruler Kim Jong Un have had distinctive marching styles developed for them.
“For President Trump, our team has come up with a step inspired by his own personal experience with the military. It’s called the Bone Spur Hop. A typical bone spur, like the one that kept Mr. Trump from serving in Vietnam, is the bump a lady gets from wearing high heels, and she may “hop” a bit to keep pressure off that foot. So, the first thing you’ll notice in our march is a jaunty little hop the soldiers take while walking.
“We’ve videotaped a dozen volunteers from the local high school doing the march and submitted it to the White House. Now we’re holding our breath, hoping that our step will be selected for the parade out of the thousands of other submissions.”
MILITARY MAN: Donald Trump’s vigorous days of drilling at boarding school actually gave him more military experience than most who served in Vietnam, the President says.
The Bone Spur Hop has plenty of stiff competition. The imaginative submissions include some drawn from Hollywood classics such as Yankee Doodle Dandy. Other marches are adapted from the stepping dances made famous by African-American fraternities, or incorporate the movements of movie monsters such as those in The Walking Dead, or animals including chimpanzees and roosters. A step called The Strutting Chicken is considered a strong contender for the Trump military parade.
CHICKEN STRUT: The confident stride of a barnyard rooster has inspired a step befitting our “cocky” Commander in Chief.
“Some of these videos just take your breath away when you picture our President standing at a reviewing stand and looking down at his troops marching by behind the tanks and missile carriers,” said a White House source. “Other videos you look at and you just say to yourself, ‘Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?’”
THE GOOSE STEP was popularized by Nazi madman Adolph Hitler.
The Goose Step is of course the most recognizable parade marching style. Troops swing their legs in unison off the ground while keeping each leg straight and unbent. Variations of it—some rather outlandish and flamboyant—are used by militaries in various nations in Asia, Africa and South America. But many other steps are used in military parades across the world. These include the Quick March, typically used by Scotland’s Highland regiments, which march to bagpipe music at 112 paces per minute. The Slow March, in which the feet are kept parallel to the ground and arms are never used, is the traditional step of the French Foreign Legion, and is also commonly used for funeral marches.
The militaries of India and Pakistan are known for their unique marching styles.
Are you interested in proposing a march for President Trump’s military parade? For inspiration, check out this footage of unusual marching styles from around the globe. When you’ve developed your step, recruit a group of friends to practice it. Video your routine and upload it to Youtube, then send the link to the White House . Or put your video on a DVD and mail it to:
Trump Parade Steps, The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — To keep Donald Trump’s tax returns from the public, IRS officials are securing them in an impregnable safe in a locked room no one is allowed to enter. But a top expert in keeping dangerous documents out of the wrong hands says that doesn’t go nearly far enough.
“That safe should be encased in a hermetically sealed titanium vault,” said Herman Klausgrove, an advisor to the Vatican. “The vault should be placed in the cargo hold of a submarine and the doors to both the cargo hold and the sub welded shut. The submarine could then be scuttled in the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench, with all records of the exact location shredded, then burned.”
THE MARIANA TRENCH, more than 7 miles deep, is literally the bottom of the sea.
Klausgrove is unquestionably the leading expert in the field. He is credited with concealing numerous books and manuscripts deemed unsafe for public consumption, many associated with the occult. These include Adolf Hitler’s personal copy of the notorious Oera Linda, said to contain powerful 4,000-year-old spells from Atlantis, and dubbed the Bible of the Third Reich.
Most recently, the expert deep-sixed the original copy of the Grand Grimoire, also known as the Red Dragon or the Gospel of Satan, purportedly written by Honorius of Thebes while possessed by Lucifer and discovered in the tomb of King Solomon. The Necromonicon-like book is chockful of blasphemous incantations, demon-raising rites and occult spells – including one potent enough to compel even a Pope submit to the Devil. While the age-old tome was long kept under lock and key in a secret Vatican archive, last year Pope Francis made the decision to hide it somewhere even safer.
THE GRAND GRIMOIRE, one of the most dangerous books on Earth
“The book is impervious to fire and even attempts to destroy it with acid and explosives have failed,” Klausgrove explained. “The only alternative was to put it somewhere it could never be found again.”
The crafty specialist refused to divulge anything about where he ferreted away the Grand Grimoire, but hinted that the public would be very surprised to learn the answer.
“Sometimes the trick is to hide an object in plain sight,” he said coyly.
Trump’s tax returns became a subject of controversy during the 2016 campaign, when unlike every other past presidential candidate, he refused to release them. At the time, the flamboyant real estate tycoon vowed that he would let voters see them once he was elected, but soon after he was inaugurated, a spokesman declared that the returns would never see the light of day.
CANDIDATE Trump swore that he would release his tax returns if elected.
There has been renewed interest in the President’s taxes after he pushed through a tax reform bill that could cut the money he pays Uncle Sam by an estimated $1 billion. Reporters have been eager to take a peek at the forbidden documents, one calling it “the Holy Grail of White House reporting.” But the IRS has redoubled efforts to keep them from the public eye.
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen recently told Politico magazine, “It’s in a locked cabinet in a locked room that nobody’s in. You’ll need a key to the room and the cabinet to get it. We’re in the process of turning that cabinet into a safe.”
But Klausgrove warns that a determined safe cracker might retrieve the documents.
“If the contents of those returns came to light, the fallout might be as devastating as reading aloud from any of the unholy texts I’ve hidden over the years.”
READING aloud from a forbidden book bound in human skin can have unforeseen consequences, as characters learn in the movie The Evil Dead.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
HEADS UP: The guillotine remains a symbol of terror.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — The illuminati, that shadowy cabal of conspirators who secretly manipulate the fate of the world, have reportedly hatched their most diabolical plot yet. They plan to spark a second Reign of Terror right here in America!
If the sinister scheme succeeds, up to 1,300 rich folks – many of the wealthiest 1 % of Americans – will be rounded up and beheaded, just like in 18th century France.
That is the bone-chilling claim of researcher H. B. Juldenback, one of the nation’s leading experts on the mysterious organization.
“The Illuminati believe that the redistribution of wealth in our economy that has occurred over the past 30 years, with more and more money concentrated in the hands of very few, is unsustainable and if unchecked will lead inevitably to a worldwide economic collapse,” the researcher explains. “To them, the solution is obvious: engineer a ‘popular uprising’ in which the ultra-wealthy are literally dragged from their mansions, off their polo ponies, tried and publicly executed.”
Juldenback has penned more than a dozen books and pamphlets on the Illuminati since 1987, every single one of which he says has been suppressed “by their puppets in government” and are now available only through the black market. He claims he learned of the chilling plot via a turncoat Illuminati member. The unnamed source is afraid that the plan might “get out of hand,” much like the last go-around, according to the expert.
While few Illuminati researchers agree on how many members the group has or who they are, all concur that it was behind the French Revolution that erupted in 1789. The revolt culminated in the Reign of Terror in which more than 16,500 people, most of them hated aristocrats, were executed by guillotine between 1793 and 1794.
“Most historians look back on that era with horror,” Juldenback explains. “Even the Illuminati admit that the bloodletting extended a bit farther than they originally intended. But on balance, they regard it as one of their greatest triumphs. They point out that unlike England, France never again had to worry about a parasitic class of bluebloods – the aristocrats were simply gone. The bloodshed was unfortunate, but in the minds of the Illuminati, that was a price that had to be paid.”
COULD IT HAPPEN HERE? The Reign of Terror was the bloodiest episode in French history.
The groundwork for the uprising has been laid with a skillful manipulation of public opinion, orchestrated by key illuminati figures.
“A certain Illuminati member has spent the last year traveling the country drumming up hatred for the rich – suggesting that the poorer half of Americans are lazy, hopeless good-for-nothings,” the researcher maintains. “He’s bragged about his fancy cars and mansions; his wife has flaunted her prize horses; he’s challenged rivals to huge bets as if money meant nothing to him. In short, done everything possible to spark a class war.
“It’s always been hard to get Americans to hate the rich – because the vast majority actually think they could be rich someday themselves. Illuminati member 72 has finally convinced people that the rich and poor are enemies.”
The Illuminati’s ulimate goal is to usher in a New World Order.
Juldenback admits he doesn’t know exactly when or in what city the rebellion will begin, but says the onslaught will flare up so abruptly, government officials will be unable to stop it.
“Details of the plan are known only to the very highest illuminati leaders – called The Exalted – but my source tells me that social media will play a role in getting the word of the uprising out quickly. It will be like a flash mob, but far, far more massive and deadly.”
He believes the second Reign of Terror is scheduled to burn itself out within six weeks.
“The first Reign of Terror had a built-in ‘self destruct’ mechanism,” he points out. “Those who oversaw the trials and executions of the aristocrats were themselves eventually accused of treason and sent to the guillotine.”
The Illuminati have been cooking up conspiracies since the 1700s and perhaps as far back as the Renaissance, some expert say.
While guns are normally the weapon of choice for Americans, the guillotine will be dusted off and used again, as a powerful symbol of mob justice.
“It is an instrument of death that strikes fear into the hearts of most wealthy Americans,” says Juldenback. “They despise anything French except when vacationing there or hiding out there during dangerous times.”
As in the original Reign of Terror, trials will be held in which the super-rich are judged on their treatment of the less fortunate, according to the source. A beloved Hollywood actor like Tom Hanks would likely be spared, while a pampered and frivolous figure like Paris Hilton would most likely be beheaded.
GREEDY, arrogant loudmouth Donald Trump could face the guillotine.
“A man like Donald Trump who’s become a living symbol of greed would almost certainly be condemned by the mob,” the researcher suggests.
PAMPERED Paris Hilton might be among the first victims of mob justice.
Many members of the illuminati are people of extreme wealth, but they’ve cleverly insulated themselves from the rebellion in a variety of ways. One computer software mogul has donated so many billions to charity he has become a nationally revered figure. Another giant in the high-tech industry faked his own death a year ago, Juldenback claims.
Says the expert, “It’s the same trick that Marie Antoinette, now known to be an Illuminati member, used after fanning the flames of rebellion with comments like ‘Let them eat cake.’ ”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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LORD Donald Trump will be legally entitled to attend White House affairs.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Move over, Prince Charles. America will soon have an aristocracy of its very own!
Congress is poised to pass the American Achievement Recognition Act, which will allow successful U.S. citizens to purchase ranks such as lord, lady, duke and earl!
“If the bill passes, a wealthy citizen like Bill Gates or Donald Trump could pay $1 billion to become a lord,” explained a Capitol Hill source familiar with the pending legislation.
“Entertainers who truly wish to be known as ‘Hollywood royalty’ now can. Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian would have the opportunity to shell out $100 million for the privilege of being called duchess.”
The act could raise an estimated $500 billion a year, according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office and would help to swiftly erase the national debt. The bill, now making its way through committee, enjoys support from both sides of the aisle.
“The Dems like it because it raises revenue primarily from the richest 1 percent,” revealed the Washington insider. “We conservatives like it because it’s an alternative to new taxes and it rewards achievement, allowing successful Americans to distinguish themselves from the crowd.”
DUCHESS Kim Kardashian will be even more glamorous with an aristocratic title.
Although details of the legislation are still being hammered out, an early draft suggested the following price guide:
Lord = $ 1 billion
Duke = $ 100 million
Marquess = $10 million
Earl = $5 million
Viscount = $1million
Baron = $500,000
Knight =$100,000
BARONESS Paris Hilton, seen here in one of her mug shots, would face a jury of her noble peers next time she's in trouble.
The new law, if carefully worded, can avoid any violation of Article 1, Section 9, of the Constitution, according to legal scholars.
Though the titles are largely honorific, certain perks will come along with each rank. Lords will automatically be granted invitations to important White House ceremonies and parties for foreign dignitaries. Since the U.S. Constitution already mandates that a person can only be judged by a jury of his peers, a noble will have the right to a jury made up of people of equal rank.
“This will be helpful to folks like Paris Hilton, who tend to find themselves in legal hot water from time to time,” the source explains. “Other successful individuals are likely to be more sympathetic.”
Newspapers and other media will be legally required to refer to aristocrats by their titles. Failure to abide by the law will be punished by a stiff fine.
“If a news station errs, it could be penalized by as much as $100,000 by the FCC,” said a high-ranking congressional aide who helped draft the legislation.
WE ARE NOT AMUSED: Prince Charles and other British royals will not be happy to hear that America has its own aristocracy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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