Archive for the ‘Trump’ Tag
LOYAL AMERICANS: This is what your backyard party will look like in May 2018.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Have a wonderful Memorial Day — because odds are it will be the last one you ever celebrate. In May of 2018, if you’re like most Americans, you’ll be celebrating President Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day instead!
Earlier this year, President Trump proclaimed May 1 an official Loyalty Day, and holiday planners say it’s unlikely that from now on most U.S. citizens will plan two big backyard barbecue events in a single month.
“Patriots who want to show their loyalty to the President will choose May 1, his Loyalty Day,” said event organizer Terri Fieldling. “The plain truth is Memorial Day doesn’t have much meaning for people anymore. It used to be a solemn occasion to commemorate the war dead. Now it’s pretty much just an excuse for us to barbecue ribs and guzzle beer, while our kids play tag. Loyalty Day celebrations will be very similar, but will incorporate Trump themes. Patriots will wear red Trump baseball caps and float Make America Great Again balloons.
“Since May 1 is also a major holiday in Russia, many Americans will display Russian flags alongside Old Glory (and of course their Confederate flags), and wear those popular combined U.S. and Russian flag solidarity pins.”
U.S. and Russian flags will fly side by side on the next Loyalty Day.
In addition to standard American picnic games such as Tug of War and potato sack races, children will play traditional Russian yard games such as Rezinochzi, Boyars, Koldunchiki (Wizards), Cossacks and Thieves, and Vishibali (Russian Dodgeball). This helpful web site provides rules to these traditional Russian backyard games your kids can enjoy on Donald Trump’s Loyalty Day.
May Day, as it’s known in Russia, has been an important holiday since the late 19th century when it was chosen as the date for International Workers Day by socialists and communists. At the height of the Cold War, it was celebrated with huge military parades. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, May Day celebrations declined, but this year President Vladimir Putin revived them in a big way. On May 1, 2017, an estimated 2 million people crowded Moscow, waving Russian flags and signs that said “Putin is right.”
“Now that Russia is an oligarchy devoted to the accumulation of wealth by a small number of billionaires such as President Putin and his associates, May Day doesn’t have those communist connotations anymore,” a tourism expert explained. “Now it’s mainly about demonstrating national pride and loyalty to Mr. Putin.”
TRADITIONAL Russian picnic game Reinochzi will be played in backyards across America next Loyalty Day.
Social media in the U.S. erupted in outrage when Trump made his Loyalty Day proclamation. But as one pundit noted, “There’s no reason why we Americans shouldn’t be as loyal to our President as the Russians are to theirs.”
Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time someone in America has tried to create a Loyalty Day holiday. In 1955, at the height of the Red Scare, Congress passed a resolution designating May 1 of that year as Loyalty Day. The resolution was aimed at off-setting communist May Day rallies around the world.
“What’s different now is that Russia’s May Day and America’s May 1 Loyalty Day celebrations won’t be at odds,” Fieldling noted. “They’re perfectly aligned.”
With U.S. and Russian billionaire leaders finally seeing eye to eye, these fashionable new solidarity pins will be perfect for your lapel next Loyalty Day.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!
Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.
“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.
“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”
While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov, head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.
“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.
Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.
Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.
“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”
DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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REARING TO GO: President Trump’s titanic tush has spawned a plastic surgery fad.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.
“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.
“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”
During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.
“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.
JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.
In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.
“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”
It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.
DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping hindquaters.
“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”
Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.
“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, is Britain’s favorite half-wit.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You don’t have to be some university egghead who discovers the next “God particle” to make a contribution to society. You can be just as useful as an idiot.
“From time immemorial, fools have played an important role in civilization,” points out sociologist Daniel K. Roelston. “In the Middle Ages, every community had a village idiot, who took townsfolks’ minds off of concerns such as the Black Plague. Kings had court jesters who eased the burden of absolute rule. Examples of this can be found as far back as ancient Egypt and in cultures as remote from the West as the Aztecs.”
Often dressed in colorful and outlandish garb, court fools could use mockery to point out flaws in a monarch’s plan, while advisors might face beheading for such criticism. They could also give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.
“For instance, in 1340, when English ships destroyed the French fleet at the Battle of Sluys, admirals of the French King Phillippe VI didn’t have the nerve to tell him,” reveals Roelston. “But his jester clued in the king with the wisecrack that ‘English sailors don’t even have the guts to jump into the water like our brave French.’”
Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was advised by a series of half-wits known as “holy fools” who appeared at court from the countryside in rags. Their “nonsensical” babbling contained warnings of discontent among the peasants.
“I’m sure you remember that class clown in high school whose antics made mean and boring teachers bearable, and kept you from worrying about the big chemistry test,” Roelston says. “Now today perhaps you’re not very educated or bright, but you can play the same role. You don’t have to be a useless idiot, you can be a useful one.”
Here are five ways you can be useful to those around you, even if you’re dumb as a bag of hammers:
1. DISTRACT – While the boss is announcing upsetting news such as a wage freeze, get your coworkers’ attention with a sight gag or good old-fashioned pratfall.
2. DUMB DOWN – When the neighborhood brainiac tries to show off at the barbecue by talking about some highfaluting book he read, making everyone feel stupid, put Mr. College in his place. Show how little you value book smarts with a line like, “Personally, I didn’t think The Divine Comedy was funny at all. I read 40 pages and only laughed twice.”
3. DEFUSE – If your pals at work are angry because they’re losing their dental coverage, calm them down with a one-liner such as “Well I’ve always wanted to look British!”
4. DISPUTE – If a neighbor starts spreading word that the street is about to be rezoned, freaking everyone out, insist idiotically that “The Twilight Zone doesn’t really exist.”
5. DEFLECT – If a manger criticizes your division for “not giving it your all,” jump in with a funny line like, “You didn’t say that when Cathy got drunk at the Christmas party.”
“Just remember the Five D’s and you can’t go wrong,” the sociologist says.
Russian officials have reportedly called President Donald Trump their “useful idiot.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Murals like this one in Los Angeles have been used to make drab city walls more cheery.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Are you a budding artist? An exciting new contest offers you a chance to achieve lasting fame – by designing a giant mural to adorn the soon-to-be-built Trump Wall between the U.S. and Mexico.
The ambitious project to beautify the barrier stretching along the 1,900-mile border between the two nations is being spearheaded by a group of wealthy patrons of the arts, who say it will be funded by a combination of their donations and a crowd-funding campaign.
“There is no reason for Trump Wall to be an eyesore,” explains philanthropist Gwendoline Worthington-Reese. “Rather, this is an opportunity to create a unique art object of lasting beauty that puts the creativity, imagination and patriotism of Americans on display.”
A patriotic theme can be seen in this mural in Yuca Valley, California.
While the theme is entirely up to the artist, possible subjects range from detailed recreations of scenes in American history like the moon landing or Custer’s Last Stand, to panoramic views of our majestic heartland, to animals such as the bald eagle, the American bison and the beaver. One suggestion is to highlight the four U.S. states that run along the border.
“You could show the siege at the Alamo or a cattle drive to represent Texas,” says Worthington Reese. “To represent California, you might depict legendary Hollywood actors such as John Wayne and Johnny Depp, or iconic movie scenes like the flying monkey attack in The Wizard of Oz, or perhaps the destruction of the Death Star.”
Beloved western star John Wayne
Organizers of the Trump Wall Art Contest say the competition is open to professional artists, talented amateurs, students, and art enthusiasts who simply like to suggest ideas to their painter friends. Details such as the amount of the prize money and where to submit designs have yet to be announced.
Because there will be roughly 264 million square feet of wall space to cover, any artist whose design is selected will not be expected to execute the monumental painting project singlehandedly. Scores of laborers will assist in carrying out the painstaking task — giving good paying jobs to American, or possibly Mexican, workers. And it’s likely that multiple designs will be incorporated in the mural.
“We’d like to include a section that celebrates Mexican culture, for example a painting of Dora the Explorer, to illustrate to our neighbors to the south that this is their wall too,” reveals Worthington-Reese. “When cattle cars of deported illegal aliens arrive at the border to be reunited with their native land, this would help to put their minds at ease. Mariachi bands playing joyful music will help to create a festive mood.”
Dora the Explorer educates and entertains children on TV
President-Elect Donald Trump has vowed to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall,” to prevent illegal aliens from pouring into the U.S.
“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words,” the billionaire said when he announced his presidential bid.
Trump promises the wall will be “35 to 40 feet, or 50 feet, or higher,” and estimates the cost will be a mere $8 billion to $12 billion. Most experts predict the price tag will be a bit higher, as much as $25 billion. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto recently declared that it will be a cold day in hell before his country spends a dime on Trump Wall, but aides to the incoming prez insist that will all change when the wily author of Art of the Deal puts his negotiating skills into full gear.
President-Elect Donald Trump will soon be leader of the free world.
Like the Great Wall of China, the towering Trump Wall will be visible from space. But thanks to the awesome artwork designed by patriotic American artists, it will be far more magnificent than that structure or other famous barriers such as Hadrian’s Wall or the Berlin Wall.
“Melania Trump will be the most beautiful First Lady ever, and Trump Wall will be the most beautiful wall ever,” declares Worthington-Reese.
Do you have a creative concept for the wall? Post it here!
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The mural story is pure parody. Whether Donald Trump was pulling our legs about the wall, we’ll have to wait and see. If you got a chuckle from this article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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OWNING a pricey yacht like the $1 billion Streets of Monaco doesn’t make you one of the elite.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.
While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.
“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”
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The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.
In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.
“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”
The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.
“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Horror News 