WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to pass a bill easing restrictions on gun silencers, the International Society of Gentlemen Assassins is hailing the move–and is asking for equal treatment for other tools of the trade, such as cyanide capsules and poison darts!
“We’re pleased as punch that the government is taking action on silencers, which are so helpful in making it hard to tell where your shots are coming from,” said Dan Castlewick, a spokesperson for the prestigious 80-year-old organization. “Now is the time to make other essential weapons easier to obtain and reduce the hassle of using tried-and-true assassination techniques.”
The I.S.G.A. wants the law relaxed on the following items:
Razor-Edged Bowler Hats
Cyanide capsules
Poison Darts
Feeding to Piranhas
Cattle Stunners (Captive Bolt Pistols)
Car Bombs
Garottes
Tarantulas
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LOYALTY OATH: Saying the Pledge is already required in schools across America.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Good news for patriots! A new federal law will make it mandatory for every worker in America to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each work day.
The Defense of Liberty Act will require companies to allot two minutes every morning for workers in offices and on factory floors to salute a regulation-size flag and declare their loyalty to the United States. Furthermore, before any major event such as a company retreat, picnic or baseball game, the National Anthem must be played. Firms that fail to enact the policy face a stiff penalty of up to $3,500 per day.
The bill is still in committee, but lawmakers are confident that there will be enough votes for it to pass both the House and Senate, and that super-patriotic President Donald Trump will sign it into law.
“In the current environment, many Americans don’t feel comfortable exhibiting their love for this country. This law makes it safe to be a patriot again,” says conservative activist Newton Lartley, a strong advocate for the legislation. “When you hear all your coworkers saying the Pledge alongside you, just like in elementary school, you know that it’s OK to be proud of our flag.”
Not surprisingly, many ACLU types are up in arms, protesting that the act would violate the “rights” of citizens who aren’t all that patriotic. But supporters say that our number one priority should be encouraging devotion to America, the land of liberty.
Notes one Republican lawmaker, “It’s not asking a lot for Americans to, once a day, show their gratitude to this great land by confirming that we are indeed ‘one nation, under God, invisible.’”
FLAG-LOVING Donald Trump will go down in history as our most patriotic President, if allegations that he is a Russian agent are disproved.
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KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.
Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.
Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.
“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”
Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.
A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”
SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.
“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”
Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.
“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.
FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.
“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”
Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.
DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The statues of 13 Confederate war heroes have come alive to seek revenge on the living, according to horrified paranormal investigators.
At least eight deaths and 36 sword and cannon injuries have been attributed to the golem-like figures, since their removal from public parks and town squares. The victims have primarily been liberal activists who had pushed for the removal of the controversial monuments, but the take-no-prisoners statues mow down anyone who stands in their way. Even an ice cream vendor was trampled to death when he inadvertently blocked the path of the mounted statue of General Robert E. Lee as the frightening figure galloped down the sidewalk.
“These entities are very, very angry,” said psychic researcher Ted Luebeck. ” We’re asking for the public’s help in tracking the statues down before they do more harm.”
Community organizer Margaret Fisling fell victim to a 102-year-old statue of General Stonewall Jackson as she was erecting an “Impeach Donald Trump” lawn sign outside her Charlotte home. Her husband Keith watched in helpless horror as the marble menace bore down on the 45-year-old woman, sword waving.
“First, we heard the eerie sound of ‘Dixie’ whistling over the wind,” said Fisling. “When we looked up we saw the statue, which we recognized from protest marches, charging straight us. I dove behind our garden gnome, but Maggie couldn’t get out of the way in time. Gen. Jackson’s horse knocked her down, then after about 50 feet, he turned around. He pointed his saber, galloped forward at full speed and sliced off her head off. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
Authorities were initially skeptical of the far-fetched story, until police discovered horse tracks on the scene and residue consistent with pigeon droppings.
Since May, scores of monuments honoring Confederate generals, as well as Jefferson Davis and the judge who ruled in favor of slavery in the Dredd Scott decision, have been removed from cities in North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee and other states. While some have found new homes in museums, or as lawn ornaments for Civil War buffs, most have been shipped for temporary housing at warehouses. The 13 that sprang to life were all kept at the Old Times Warehouse and Antique Shop on the outskirts of Charlotte, according to investigator Luebeck.
REMOVAL of statues of Confederate greats like the beloved General Robert E. Lee has sparked a nationwide debate.
A statue of General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who became an organizer of the Klu Klux Klan after the war, was the first to go missing from the storage facility, on August 16.
“That morning, I was wheeling in the latest addition, some colonel who fought in the Battle of Bull Run, when I found the spot where the Forrest statue had been gathering dust for months was empty,” said warehouse employee Stan Beasby. “At first, we figured it had been stolen, but it was funny because that statue weighs over 3,500 pounds. Who would have thought these guys have been marching and riding straight out of here?”
Over the following several nights, the statues of other legendary soldiers went on the lam, as well as a bust of General P.G.T. Beauregard that’s believed to have hopped to freedom. Paranormal experts can’t explain how the statues, most chiseled out of solid stone or made of bronze, and have no joints, are moving about. However, they do have a theory about the supernatural mechanism that has animated them.
“The warehouse also holds old store mannequins, junk from amusement park haunted houses, and figures from a wax museum in New Orleans that shut down last year,” Luebeck revealed.
“Back in 1988, a group of college students carried out a ‘voodoo’ ceremony that briefly brought some of the wax figures alive for two days, including one of Lizzie Borden. There were several serious injuries before they were put down with a blowtorch. We believe it’s conceivable that the surviving wax figures somehow ‘infected’ the Confederate statues.”
STATUES rarely come to life outside of movies like the 1963 Ray Harryhausen classic “Jason and the Argonauts.”
While baffled police race to track down the missing monuments, dozens of self-proclaimed “monster hunters” have converged on the area to put a stop to the killing spree. But some proud southerners profess sympathy for the hard-charging symbols of the South. And they reject any connection between their idols and slavery or racism.
“It’s not a racial thing,” insisted Beau Castland of the organization Keep Your Yankee Hands Off Our Heritage. “The media doesn’t point this out, but only one of the victims was black. Four were white, two were Asian Americans and one was a visitor from Samoa.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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GREENVILLE, S.C. — Millions of enthusiastic American children will run outside today to view the solar eclipse, but their joy may be short-lived — because the eclipse will never end, if members of a diabolical secret society have their way.
The mysterious cabal of 13 self-proclaimed sorcerers, telepaths and necromancers reportedly plans to perform a terrifying ancient ritual which, if successful, will freeze the moon in position blocking the sun – plunging the Earth into darkness permanently.
“It sounds crazy – so crazy it just might work,” says Dr. Henry Jorgenbach, a professor of astrological physics who learned of the scheme at a recent New Age gathering. “My colleagues and I calculate that there’s a 5 % chance that they’ll pull it off and the eclipse will continue indefinitely. The cult hopes to usher in a new Dark Age, in which science and reason are abandoned and mankind is ruled by superstition and fear.”
The sinister secret society, known as the Circle of Dark, has existed for thousands of years and has tried many times before to interfere with the rare celestial events, according to the expert.
“A Syrian clay tablet, in the ancient Ugaritic language, records a solar eclipse that occurred on March 5, 1223 B.C.,” Dr. Jorgenbach reveals. “The tablet describes how a group of renegade priests tried to perform a forbidden ceremony to make the eclipse last forever. Fortunately, they were stopped in the nick of time. Evidence suggests that this was the origin of the Circle of Dark.”
The Circle has attempted the ritual countless times since then, but has never been able to extend an eclipse longer than six days. The most recent bid, in 1979, failed when a shipment of goat’s blood needed for the ceremony got lost in the mail. But this time, the secret society has all its ducks in a row.
“They’ve assembled some of the most powerful telepaths and sorcerers in the world here in Greenville, S.C., one of the best viewing spots for the eclipse,” says Dr. Jorgenbach. “They’ve never been better positioned to succeed.”
In many cultures worldwide, myths warn of a civilization-ending eclipse. The Ch’orti’, indigenous Mayas, believed “an eclipse of the sun that lasts more than a day will bring the end of the world, and the spirits of the dead will come to life and eat those on earth,” an anthropologist was quoted as saying in the prestigious New York Times.
If the ceremony succeeds, the earth will also cease to rotate, leaving America perpetually under the eclipse, and subject to sinister supernatural forces. But it will be no bed of roses on the other side of the world, which, without the sun, will simply be in eternal darkness.
“If something like this were to happen, which sounds unlikely, the effects on agriculture would be devastating and almost immediate,” explains a U.S. Department of Agriculture source. “Plant life depends on photosynthesis and with that interrupted, we’d be looking at worldwide famine.”
The fanatics are scheduled to converge on Greenville’s famous Falls Park, a site popular for picnicking and outdoor performances of Shakespeare, several hours before the eclipse begins.
Panic and chaos would likely sweep the U.S. if the eclipse fails to end as expected. But hopefully, that will never happen. Dr. Jorgenbach and his colleagues have organized a team of local psychics, ministers and rabbis to perform a counter-ceremony during the eclipse, designed to derail the Circle’s scheme.
He says, “All that ordinary citizens can do now is wait, pray and watch the skies.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — You can live like a king, even if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of — by tricking your brain into thinking you’re rich!
“Poverty is just a state of mind, as Dr. Ben Carson recently said,” according to Revis Washington, author of the upcoming book, Think Yourself Rich. “A medieval peasant who had all the things a ‘poor’ American has today, like indoor plumbing, would feel that he was on top of the world. And imagine how a Neanderthal man would react to a simple potato chip sandwich or a cozy cardboard shelter. It’s all relative. The government doesn’t need anti-poverty programs. The mind is a far more powerful tool.”
A few easily learned mental tricks that Washington calls “mind jujitsu” are all you need to be wealthy inside your head.
“You’re essentially brainwashing yourself out of poverty,” the author explained.
Here, from the expert, are five great Jedi-like mind moves you can use to achieve instant mental wealth:
REINVENT YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE – When you are eating cold scrambled eggs and government cheese, close your eyes and visualize fine beluga caviar and gourmet brie.
REDEFINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS — A rat is only a “rat” if you choose to see it as one. In your mind, transform your scampering house guests into playful squirrels.
RECONCEPTUALIZE TRANSPORTATION — Don’t think “We’re living in our car.” Tell your brain that you and your five children are on a fun road trip through the south of France.
RETHINK FASHION — Pretend those ripped and threadbare clothes are the latest chic look in Europe. Picture a skeletal model sporting your duds on a runway in Milan.
REJECT MODERN MEDICINE — Instead of fretting about not being able to afford antibiotics for your family, imagine that you are trying to beef up your immune systems the natural way.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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GREENVILLE, SC. — Connor Prenkwood learned the hard way that texting in church is a sin, when a lightning bolt burst through the roof and incinerated him in his pew!
The preacher, who was midway through his sermon when the bizarre tragedy occurred, is convinced that God punished the 26-year-old computer programmer.
“This is the Lord’s house, you can’t show that kind of disrespect,” declared the Reverend Jim Towsled of Garden of Gethsemane Methodist Church. “I warned the young folks in the congregation to put those cellphones away, but Connor just ignored me. When that streak of lightning tore through the ceiling and made a beeline for him, I knew that was the wrath of the Almighty at work.”
Firefighters called to the scene found a pile of smoking ashes where Connor had been sitting. Oddly enough, there was only minor charring on the wooden pew and except for a fist-sized hole in the roof, the rest of the 80-year-old building was undamaged. Even more surprising, the victim’s Samsung Galaxy S7 was unscathed and is still operable.
“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 14 years on the job,” said baffled fireman Claude Artess. “The Galaxy S7 tends to catch fire even without being struck by lightning.”
VICTIM CONNOR Prenkwood was reduced to ashes by lightning strike.
Connor’s big sister Crystal says she dragged her brother to church that day, an act she now regrets.
“If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let him stay home gaming like he wanted,” she said. “During the service, I whispered to him that he ought to turn off his phone, but he was arguing with his girlfriend Trish and he kept saying he’d be done in a minute. Then he got mad because someone else started texting him.”
Intriguingly, Connor’s final text messages suggest he might have received a warning from a higher authority than the minister. The phone carrier has confirmed that the following was the last exchange.
CONNOR: No Trish YOU’RE lame!
TRISH: Whatever
UNKNOWN CALLER: Stop texting.
CONNOR: Who is this?
UNKNOWN CALLER: I am that I am.
CONNOR: Buzz off retard
UNKNOWN CALLER: I command thee to turn off thy phone.
CONNOR: Or what?
RARE case in which Galazy S7 cellphone is NOT responsible for a blaze.
This is far from the first case of a person being fried to a crisp by lightning in church. Experts say there have been at least 125 such tragedies in the U.S. alone, dating as far back as 1640, when accused witch Charity Dunforth was struck down just as she crossed the threshold of a Puritan church. In 1993, a Pentecostal minister in Alabama vehemently denied accusations of adultery, declaring from the pulpit “If I’m lying, may God strike me dead.” The ensuing lightning blast carried him 30 feet and he succumbed to cardiac arrest. Just last year, Scotty Rosier, 45, died from injuries sustained when he was struck by lightning at Heart of Worship Church in Pineville, La.
South Carolina church suffered only minor damage.
Heartbroken Crystal, 31, admits her kid brother “wasn’t perfect,” but feels the Lord’s punishment was too harsh.
“It’s not like Connor was surfing for porn,” she said. “Isn’t the Almighty supposed to be a God of Love?”
But Bible scholar Elton Jeminson, who has written extensively about divine vengeance, wasn’t surprised to hear of the smiting.
“Let’s not forget, the God of the Old Testament was a real badass,” he observed. “No matter how fancy technology gets, the Lord will go old school in a heartbeat when he feels He’s been disrespected.”
NO MORE MR. NICE GUY: The Lord demands that worshippers give Him their undivided attention — or else.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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TRAGIC truck driver Sherman Oakshore, left, is looking more and more like actor Brad Pitt (right) with each passing day, and doctors are helpless to halt the disease process.
Milwaukee truck driver Sherman Oakshore is bravely fighting a heartbreaking medical ailment that is gradually distorting his facial features – morphing him into a dead ringer for movie star Brad Pitt.
“It’s a nightmare,” declared anguished Sherman, 46. “My own mother no longer recognizes me, and my 2-year-old daughter runs away when I try to hug her. Angry women come up to me on the street and scold me for dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie – and just as many fans of Angelina chew me out for divorcing her.”
Sherman first began to notice that his face was beginning to subtly change in 2011, spotting slight differences as he shaved. By 2015, his resemblance to the Ocean’s Eleven actor had become alarming. Baffled doctors aren’t sure what’s causing the terrifying cellular change, but some experts theorize that he suffers from Proteus Syndrome, a highly rare congenital disorder.
“The syndrome, which causes extreme changes in bone structure and tissue, is named after the Greek sea-god Proteus who could change his shape at will,” explained Dr. Hans Chudulski. “It’s believed that this is what caused the striking disfigurement of Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man.”
Only about 200 cases of the syndrome have ever been recorded, and just 120 people currently alive have been diagnosed with the condition.
“We’ve long suspected that there is a larger population of people with Proteus who remain undiagnosed because they suffer from a milder variation of the syndrome,” the expert revealed. “Perhaps a tiny subset, like Mr. Oakshore, actually become more attractive.”
HAPPIER DAYS: In this 2009 photo, Sherman Oakshore bears little resemblance to Brad Pit.
By 2015, symptoms of the bizarre disease were clearly evident.
Only two other cases exist in the medical literature in which a patient has transformed into a celebrity lookalike. In 1952, a Cleveland waitress came to resemble Greta Garbo, and in 1971, an Alabama sheriff’s deputy slowly turned into the spitting image of comedian Flip Wilson.
Actor Pitt has appeared in more than 60 films, including Thelma and Louise and World War Z. He received an Oscar nomination for his starring role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he plays a man who is born old and mysteriously ages in reverse. While many American males might relish the chance to step into the shoes of the ultra-handsome superstar, Sherman is miserable that his life has been turned upside down.
“I used to enjoy hanging out, throwing darts and drinking beer at the bar,” said the once-homely, squinty-eyed regular Joe. “Now I get teased something awful and bullied by toughs who’ll say something like ‘Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you show us some of those Fight Club moves?’
“My best friend tried to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am, because I could ‘pick up plenty of girls’ on account of how rich and famous Brad Pitt is. But I’m married with five kids.”
The trucker’s wife Clarice considers her hubby’s facial upgrade anything but a godsend.
“I just want my Sherman back,” she said, wiping away a tear. “What broke our hearts is when his own dog Happy growled and snapped at him. That German shepherd wouldn’t let Sherman through the front door until he sniffed his pants leg and recognized him by smell.
“If that’s not bad enough, we can’t go to the mall or the movies without some brazen tart in a miniskirt sidling up, asking for an autograph and saying, ‘I hear you’re back on the market.’”
Doctors are now racing for a cure, fearing that the damage may be irreversible and that the victim could be 100 percent Brad within a matter of months. But they admit the prognosis is poor.
“Mr. Oakshore must face the very real possibility that he will look like Brad Pitt for the rest of his life,” admitted Dr. Chudulski.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!
For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”
“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”
The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.
“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”
At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.
“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”
Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.
The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!
For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”
Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.
Paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven. Madison, whose last name was withheld by investigators, recovered fully after four hours of unconsciousness, reporting vague memories of being surrounded by “a bunch of naked old people with pot bellies.”
Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.
“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”
EDISON, N.J. –If you find yourself trapped in a haunted house with a malevolent ghost, head straight to the basement. That’s the surprising advice of a top expert in the supernatural!
“It sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of behaviors that seem stupid in a horror movie turn out to be highly successful survival strategies in the real world,” reveals Dr. Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.
“Disembodied souls generally frequent the areas of a house where they spent the most time while alive – for example the master bedroom or the kitchen. People spend hardly any time in their basement. That’s why it’s the place you’re least likely to encounter a ghost. If your haunted house doesn’t have a cellar, take refuge in the attic during a crisis.”
Here are six other vital tips from the researcher:
• ALWAYS SPLIT UP – “A ghost possesses only a finite amount of psychic energy,” Dr. Greavesby points out. “If it tries to attack five different people in five different rooms, that energy is divided and the ghost is weakened.”
SPLITTING up didn’t work out so well for the characters in “Scary Movie 2,” but in real life the strategy works.
• USE A FLICKERING FLASHLIGHT – A flashlight with a loose connection or dying batteries can save your hide. “Contrary to common belief, ghosts can’t see in the dark any better than the living can,” reveals the expert. “Indeed, you have the advantage since once the room is pitch black, you can feel your way out. Because a ghost’s hand will pass through solid objects, he or she can’t do that.”
FLASHLIGHT that doesn’t work gives you an advantage over ghosts.
• DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT’S HAUNTED – Packing your bags and fleeing with your family at the first sign of trouble is useless and potentially dangerous. “An evil spirit often follows a victim from one house to the next and may be angered that you’ve ‘abandoned’ it,” the expert explains.
CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.
WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.
• REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS — Ignore the warnings of old caretakers, ominous sounds, objects that move inexplicably, dolls whose heads turn in your direction and your children’s reports of having seen dead people. “Ghosts feed on fear – it’s the primary source of their energy,” says Greavesby. “Showing no fear causes that energy to dissipate. If you appear oblivious to the presence of a ghost after two months of rigorous haunting, it will grow frustrated and weary and cease its efforts to harass you.”
WE ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray poked fun at spirits in “Ghostbusters.”
• TAUNT THE SPIRIT – “You have to show the ghost who’s boss as soon as you move in,” explains the expert. “It’s like dealing with a bad dog. Establish early on who’s the alpha, the dominant one in the situation, and nine times out of ten it will back down.” Laughter is a potent weapon, he adds. “Mockery and insults such as classic ‘Yo mama’ jokes can quickly rob a ghost of its ‘mojo’. Curse words can be very effective, especially against spirits who lived in the 19th century and are unaccustomed to foul language.”
• HANDLE CURSED OBJECTS — Don’t hesitate to march into a “forbidden” room and pick up the dead person’s former prized possessions such as antique jewelry or an eerily lifelike portrait. Notes Greavesby, “If you boldly put on that necklace you’ve been warned never to touch, stare in the ‘haunted mirror’ and give the ghost you see behind you the finger, the spirit will know you can’t be intimidated and will most likely give up.”
WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?
If you got a chuckle out of this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
By C. Michael Forsyth
“A Syrian clay tablet, in the ancient Ugaritic language, records a solar eclipse that occurred on March 5, 1223 B.C.,” Dr. Jorgenbach reveals. “The tablet describes how a group of renegade priests tried to perform a forbidden ceremony to make the eclipse last forever. Fortunately, they were stopped in the nick of time. Evidence suggests that this was the origin of the Circle of Dark.”
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By C. Michael Forsyth
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Horror News 