THE OLD ONES once ruled our world, according to H.P. Lovecraft, who warned of a monster-god named Cthulhu, depicted here by artist Henning Ludvigsen.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON — The Old Ones, demonic god-like beings that ruled Earth eons before the dawn of man, have at last been freed from their subterranean prison — and, one by one, have begun to return to our world.
That’s the triumphant claim of ecstatic high priests of ancient, forbidden cults that worship the entities. And, horrifyingly, top occult investigators confirm it’s true!
Cult watchers say that a hideous ritual was conducted simultaneously last December 31 by fanatical followers around the globe: defrocked cardinals in the haunted Parisian catacombs; jabbering witch doctors over vats of flesh in the Congo; bloodthirsty Thuggees in a secret necropolis beneath the Great Hole of Calcutta; hooded necromancers within a circle of Celtic monoliths in Wales and thousands of other degenerates.
FORBIDDEN rites that predate the Druids took place in Northern Wales.
That act of insanity on a day the stars align precisely only once in 90 years unsealed a “gate” protecting our universe from the fiendish beings’ hellish dimension — allowing the first three of the seven Old Ones to emerge, investigators warn.
“When all seven come through, it will mean the end of man’s dominion over Earth and a new dark age that will never end,” warns Dr. Herbert A. Thackens of Cambridge, Mass., a professor of archaeology and a highly respected authority on the occult.
“Cultists have yearned for this day for centuries. Their priests will reign like Oriental despots over the handful of humans who survive — for a time — as sacrificial lambs, food for these accursed gods. The Old Ones are more ancient than Chaos, more evil than any demon in the deepest circle of Hell — and will be omnipotent once all seven sit on their thrones.”
CULTISTS from as far away as darkest Africa and Easter Island worked in concert to open the “gate” guarding our world from an alien universe.
Yet some cult leaders admit they are beginning to regret their rash act.
“The Old Ones will usher in an epoch of horror and madness, full of unthinkable abominations,” says Roger Whittenbow, high priest of the Order of Thursis, a London-based branch of Satanism banned by mainstream Satanists for being too evil. “That part is splendid. What’s a bit off putting is how cranky the Old Ones are. They constantly complain about how much Earth has changed for the worse since they last walked it.
“One of the Old Ones, named P’thantu Rami, commanded us to bring Him 700 virgins for a grotesque rite of human sacrifice. I humbly told the great lord that it might take time to round up that many because virgins aren’t so plentiful in Britain now. He spent the next half hour railing about how much more chaste women were in ancient times. He and His brethren don’t care much for cars or the Internet either.”
The Old Ones are proving alarmingly forgetful, he added.
“The second lord, Cthoko Ba’al, summoned me. As I knelt before Him, He ordered that I arrange a bacchanalian orgy so vile in its description it made the most obscene atrocity a depraved syphilitic whore might envision in a fever dream sound like a toddler’s lisping bedroom prayer by comparison,” revealed Whittenbow.
“As I began phoning around to find a suitable venue, the Old One called me back in and gave the exact same order again. He’d forgotten what He’d said 10 minutes earlier! Another time, Cthoko Ba’al commanded us to look for His unholy crown, forged from the bones of warlords who’d sold their souls in a forgotten age. But He was already wearing it!”
SINISTER catacombs beneath Paris, ranked among of the most haunted places on Earth, were one of 57 places the unholy ritual took place.
Worst of all are the old jokes, repeated ad nauseum.
“The third Old One to come through is known as the Lord of Mirth,” explained Whittenbow. “In ancient times, when He manifested Himself in Persia, He induced fits of laughter in which the entire population of cities cackled joylessly until tears of blood dripped from their eyes and, unable to even eat, they starved to death.
“But to put it frankly, no one appreciates His brand of humor anymore. His routine went over like a lead balloon. No one got His references and when He tried to be topical — with ‘How about that Vladimir Putin?’ stuff — it was even more excruciating. We all clapped politely at first. But after hearing the same stale jokes for the 20th time, you feel like sacrificing yourself on a stone altar.”
H.P. Lovecraft often wrote of the Old Ones in his weird tales.
Tales of the Old Ones have been around since before recorded history, often hinted at obliquely in obscure or banned texts. Early 20th century horror writer H.P. Lovecraft warned of their existence and the notorious occultist Aleister Crowley — known as “the Wickedest Man in the World” — gleefully predicted their imminent return.
THE NECRONOMICON: Bloodcurdling book warns of the unspeakable Old Ones.
“They have been known by many names in many cultures,” says Dr. Thackens. “From the chaos monster-gods such as Angra Mainyu and the monstrous bird-god Anzu of Mesopotamia in the third millenium B.C., and Asag, a Babylonian ‘gallu’ of hideous strength, to Buer, described as ‘The Great President of Hell’ in the 16th century grimoire Pseudomonarchia Daemonum.”
TERRIFYING Mesopotamian chaos monster-god Anzu may have been one of the Old Ones.
The Celtic deity Ogmios, who seduced humans with words and led them into the underworld with chains through their ears, is also believed to have been one of the Old Ones. And many Bible scholars believe the Nephilim of the Holy Scriptures refer to the terrifying entities.
HIDEOUS demon known as Buer may have been one of the Old Ones.
The incredibly well-coordinated December 31 ritual reportedly took place in 57 places associated with mysticism, devil-worship or the paranormal, including Easter Island where naked cultists sacrificed 13 “volunteers” and pranced in front of the mysterious giant heads called moai. Other locales, according to cult-watchers, include the town of Triora in the ancient hills of Liguria, where witches were burned alive in the 1500s for their horrific rites. Also, temples in a massive cave in the Valley of Valchuisella, in the foothills of the Alps, constructed by an Italian who had seen them in a vision at age 10.
OCCULTIST Aleister Crowley was one of many to foresee the Old Ones’ return.
The first Old One made his comeback near Merlin’s Cave in Cornwall, England, a site of mystical rites dating back 8,000 years, long before the Druids. About 500 followers gathered around Witch’s Hill, chanting an ancient spell (whose utterance carries the death penalty in Turkey, Romania and Iraq) in unison with fellow fanatics around the globe. Cult members have been strictly forbidden to speak of what they saw, but several weeks later on January 21, an anonymous eyewitness posted this bone-chilling account on his blog, Demon Talk:
“The scull-shaped hillock, of sinister repute since before the Roman conquest, erupted, like a putrid boil pregnant with corruption suddenly bursting. The explosion created a sinkhole far deeper than the Mariana Trench or any other abyss into which a submariner might venture even in a nightmare. The pit was blindingly radiant in its absolute blackness, a place at once in the center of our Earth and outside our world.
CULTS worshipping the Old Ones date back countless millenia.
“My nostrils were assaulted by a stench more vile than 10,000 open graves, an almost physical force that could split a human psyche as a cleaver slices meat. Then tendrils loathsome as rat tails but fantastically immense emerged. And something colossal began to haul itself out of the pit.
“No words could begin to describe that blasphemous monstrosity. I say only that it had a malignant aura more malignant than malignancy itself. Many went insane as they beheld it, their minds unable to comprehend this gargantuan being that violated every law of physics and warped the space around it. Those of us who’d spent a lifetime steeling our minds for this ‘Medusa effect’ fell prostrate to worship, many weeping or writhing in ecstasy.
Cthoko Ba’al has been known by many names, including Ba’al, Belial and, by Satanists in the 1940s, as Mr. Big.
“P’thantu Rami opened His mouth — if one could rightly call that maw that made a mockery of all that is natural a mouth. But He did not speak, He sang. The sound was rife with the shrieks of 10 million souls consumed in sacrifices over countless centuries, so chaotic Dionysus himself would cover his ears in horror. Yet interlaced with that cacophony was a sweet and seductive melody that instantly commanded the love of all who were present. It actually reminded me of the tunes of Bacharach.”
Within days, two more Old Ones emerged, greeted by fawning worshippers and a marching band. There were celebratory orgies, exuberant desecration of cemeteries, hearty exchanges of high-fives and toasts at Satanist bars in every city. But within a month, the “bloom was off the rose,” as one disappointed British cultist put it. With their non-stop carping and unreasonable demands — complaining that their quarters are too hot, then too cold, then too hot again — the Old Ones have already outworn their welcome.
Although Whitttenbow strenuously denies it, there are rumors that some cultists are meeting in secret dens, seeking a way to send the old ones back through the hellhole from whence they came.
HAPPY DAYS are here again for followers of ancient cult, who celebrated with orgies.
“This is like having an elderly aunt staying in your house,” explained a cult member who asked for anonymity out of fear of destruction. “At first, you’re pleased as punch to see her and learn about the good old days. But when you keep hearing the same old stories again and again, she starts rearranging furniture, criticizing your wife’s cooking and lambasting your teenage daughter for dressing like a ‘tramp,’ well, you can’t wait to give her the heave-ho.”
WIDESPREAD PANIC: The Great Day when all 7 Old Ones have returned will make the Apocalypse look like a Sunday picnic, experts warn.
KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!
British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.
“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’
“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’
“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”
The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.
“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”
“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”
THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.
Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.
“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”
The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).
VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?
How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.
Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.
“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.
“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.
LOS ANGELES — For more than 20 years, life coach Denise Castleberry has been dispensing advice – and in scores of cases it has led to tragedy, failure and catastrophe.
Among the worst disasters, she advised:
• O.J. Simpson to “stop holding your anger in.”
• John F. Kennedy Jr. to “get an adventurous hobby.”
• Whitney Houston to “find a new way to relax.”
• Lance Armstrong to “stop at nothing to win.”
• New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to “Loosen up when it comes to sex.”
Despite her nickname in the advice industry as the World’s Worst Life Coach, Castleberry, who launched her business in 1987, insists she knows what she’s doing.
“Everyone – especially envious colleagues in the field – likes to talk about cases that didn’t turn out perfectly,” she said in a recent interview. “No one talks about the thousands of stars, politicians and CEOs who owe their success to me.”
TAXES, what taxes? Wesley Snipes should have thought twice about advice to “not fixate” on financial details.
LEARNING to fly introduced adventure to the handsome son of President Kennedy.
O.J. SIMPSON learned to let his anger out.
WIN at all costs approach doomed bicyclist Lance Armstrong
DISGRACED N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned after prostitute scandal.
Indeed, Castleberry’s more than 200 clients in the entertainment and corporate world swear by her.
“I call Denise at least once a week,” said a music industry executive who requested anonymity. “Her practical suggestions have taken my career to a new level and vastly improved my outlook on life. I can’t imagine where I would be without her.”
While the coach’s current client list is confidential, among those rumored to be among Castleberry’s clientele are Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Elizabeth Berkeley and Wesley Snipes.
“Yes, some of my clients have gotten in their share of trouble, but imagine what a mess their lives would be in if they hadn’t been receiving help,” she points out.
[
Elizabeth Berkeley’s career tanked after following advice to take role in “Showgirls.”
WINNING formula? Life coach’s advice may not have been done wonders for Charlie.
TROUBLE follows starlet Lindsay Lohan.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the riveting first 13 pages, a woman is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
The dead try to reach us using the means they did in life, experts say.
By. C. Michael Forsyth
DENVER, Colo. — Researchers have identified a baffling paranormal phenomenon they’ve dubbed “texts from the dead” — and they say it’s becoming increasingly prevalent.
The eerie messages from beyond are the modern equivalent of those inexplicable phone calls from the dead that have been reported since the late 19th century.
Scientists from the Colorado Institute for Paranormal Research analyzed 132 mysterious texts received by loved ones hours, days or months after the phone’s owner passed away. And they confirmed that in 94 of those cases, the only reasonable explanation is that the messages originated in the Great Beyond.
“The slang and abbreviations people use when texting are as individualistic as handwriting,” explains lead researcher Dr. Nick Horn. “We were able to confirm with a high degree of certainty that the messages were indeed composed by people who were no longer living.”
In one striking case, a 19-year-old New Mexico college student was killed in a head-on collision after a heated quarrel with her mother. The last text the mother received read, “Soree mom. 4 giv me.” Incredibly, investigation revealed that the message was sent two hours AFTER the teen was pronounced dead at the hospital.
“There is no possibility that someone else texted the mother as a cruel prank,” Dr. Horn notes. “The phone was recovered from the wreck smashed to bits and melted.”
RECEIVING a phone call from a dead loved one can be unsettling, as in this “Twilight Zone” episode.
The dear departed are not above sexting, researchers were startled to discover. Six months after a Minnesota man’s fiancée died of a brain tumor, he received a sexually explicit text from her phone. Uncannily, at the time the spicy message was sent, the deceased woman’s phone was in a kitchen drawer, uncharged, and the account had been deactivated.
“The message invited him to join her in specific physical acts using coded phrases such as ‘play helicopter’ only the two of them understood,” says the expert. “Attached to the text was the blurry image of a nude figure that resembled the deceased fiancée.”
The first known case of what parapsychologists refer to technically as the “phantom text messaging effect” or PTME was in 2006 and since then the number of reports have steadily risen. In some instances a restless soul pours out a declaration of love or fires off a parting shot in the form of an insult, such as, “nvr lked U, A-hole.” Other texts are more mundane, such as reminders to pick up dry cleaning, horse racing tips, or the location of insurance documents.
INVENTOR Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone in 1876.
While the phenomenon is relatively new, phone calls from the dead have been cited as proof of life after death — and have been a staple of ghost stories — for decades.
“The first phantom phone call was reported in 1886, just ten years after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, “ revealed Dr. Horn. “Three years after the Titanic sank, an S.O.S from the vessel was received by a Norwegian freighter, the first known ghost Morse Code message. The first fax from the other side was reported in 1987, a few years after the fax machine came into popular use. And emails from the dead began to crop up in the mid-1990s.
“The departed are always trying to communicate with their loved ones and they use the means they were familiar with in life. With every technological advance, the paranormal application trails a little bit behind.
“We anticipate getting reports on tweets from the dead in the next year or two.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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ALSO FROM THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE…
The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the riveting first 13 pages, a woman is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
I find the unending stream of movie remakes depressing. It’s a kind of self-cannibalization that generally signals a culture is entering its death throes.
Typically, Hollywood remakes movies that were perfectly executed the first time, like “Nightmare on Elm Street,” and the remakes tend to be inferior. The most unnecessary was the shot-for-shot remake of “Psycho” with Vince Vaughan standing in for Anthony Perkins (who was far better suited for the role).
A remake of “Carrie” (1976) came out in 2020 – despite the movie already having been remade in 2002 and 2013. And although director Sam Raimi remade “The Evil Dead” (1981) with a better script and higher budget as “The Evil Dead 2″ a remake came out in 2013.
The trend will continue as long as producers feel the public doesn’t care much about originality and that they can cash in on name recognition. But what if remakes were chosen for artistic reasons? Why not pick movies that perhaps had a good premise but didn’t turn out as well as they might have due to low-budgets, poor scripting or primitive special effects?
For example, “The Killer Shrews” (1959) is ranked among the silliest ever made, but the premise is pretty good. A scientist experimenting on shrews on a remote island causes the voracious creatures – which consume three times their body weight each day – to become huge. That plunges a band of humans stranded on the island into a desperate fight for survival. There’s plenty of conflict between the besieged protagonists and the way they finally escape their predicament is nifty. The movie’s main flaw is that due to budget constraints the shrews were portrayed by collies in masks! In 2016, it was remade as a comedy horror flick, “Attack of the Killer Shrews.”
Here are a dozen other movies that SHOULD be remade.
Due to budget limitations, collies in masks portrayed the giant shrews.
Giant ants threaten mankind in “Them.”
“Them” (1954) — In this flick, radiation spawns ants bigger than elephants in the New Mexico desert, courtesy of A-bomb testing. A strong performance by James Whitmore as a small town cop pitted against the enormous insects helps make this one of the best giant monster movies ever made. The special effects were impressive at the time, but imagine what could be done today.
Giant monster wreaks havoc in London in “Gorgo.”
“Gorgo” (1961) – A Nessie-type monster is captured off the coast of Ireland and put on display by circus owners in London. The surprise ending, as well as the relationship between Gorgo and a young Irish lad, are quite touching. However, as in “Godzilla,” a man in a lizard suit portrays the monster – the best that could be done at the time.
GIT OUT OF TOWN BY SUNRISE: “Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula”
“Billy the Kid Versus Dracula” (1966) – One of the most laughable movie titles of all time. But the premise has potential. We’ve seen how well the cowboy and sci-fi genres blended in “Cowboys & Aliens.” Why NOT have this iconic outlaw, who still fascinates historians – go mano-a-mano against the king of the vampires? (A better title might be in order, though).
Winged menace hits on Jennifer Salt in in “Gargoyles.”
“Gargoyles” (1972) – In this made-for-TV movie, it turns out that those statues that adorn cathedrals depict creatures that really exist — mankind’s most ancient enemy. An anthropologist and his daughter must defeat the winged humanoids before their brood of eggs hatch and they plague the world again. Cornel Wilde as the aging but still virile professor makes a splendid hero. And a young, hunky Scott Glenn as a long-haired biker made my big sister’s heart flutter when the TV movie aired. Although the makeup that transformed Bernie Casey into a gargoyle was convincing, the flight sequences were not. Now 21st century special effects could create a terrifying squadron of the gargoyles.
BAD VERSUS WORSE: Gabriel Byrne as a Nazi soldier battles an ancient entity in “The Keep.”
“The Keep” (1983) – When I read the book by F. Paul Wilson long ago, I found the premise mind-blowing. During World War II a troop of Nazi soldiers takes refuge in a crumbling fortress – unaware that imprisoned in its bowels is an ancient being far more dangerous than they are. Despite a stellar cast including Ian McKellen and Gabriel Byrne, the movie was a critical flop. Hollywood ought to take another crack at the evil vs. eviler story.
Swashbuckling hero takes a break from vampire-slaying in “Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter.”
“Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter” (1974) – The title character is a master swordsman and former soldier who travels the countryside slaying bloodsuckers with the aide of his sidekick, a hunchbacked professor. I love the premise that there are different species of vampires, each with its own powers and vulnerabilities. The vampire Captain Kronos encounters this time can’t be killed with wooden stakes. There is an element of mystery in addition to horror and action, since Kronos and the professor must figure out both who the vampire is and how to destroy him. My only complaint is that Horst Janson as Kronos is a bit wooden. A better actor could make for a rousing remake.
“Van Helsing” hero bore little resemblence to the old doctor in Dracula.
“Van Helsing” (2004) – Normally, I hate remakes of recent movies, as in the case of the 2008 remake of the 2003 “The Incredible Hulk.” And I enjoyed this supernatural adventure, especially the scene where vampire harpies buzz terrified villagers. But the Clint Eastwood-type hero played by Hugh Jackman bears virtually no resemblance to the cerebral Dutch professor Abraham Van Helsing as we know him from Dracula. The steampunk, gadget-using cowboy actually is more like the hero of “The Wild, Wild West.” In fact, if you changed the name of the protagonist, you could just as easily have titled the movie “James West.” Why not a version featuring a young medical student Dr. Van Helsing based on Bram Stoker’s character, encountering the supernatural for the first time?
TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: Rosey Grier and Ray Milland reluctantly share a body in the “Thing with Two Heads.”
“The Thing with Two Heads” (1972) – A dying racist millionaire arranges for his head to be surgically implanted on the body of a black man, in this misbegotten attempt to cross the blaxploitation and mad scientist genres. Oscar-winning screen legend Ray Milland humiliates himself spectacularly as the old bigot hitching a ride on Rosey Greer’s bulky body. But what if you remade this turkey as an all-out comedy? I’d love to see Kelsey Grammer as a snooty one-percenter forced to share shoulders with wisecracking Chris Rock.
Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers haunt New York sewers in “C.H.U.D.”
“C.H.U.D.” (1984) — Beneath the streets of New York City lurk Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers — homeless people living in the sewers who’ve been mutated by toxic waste into hideous, flesh-eating creatures. Having exhausted the supply of sewer workers, they’re now surfacing through manholes to feed on ordinary New Yorkers. The movie suffers because more screen time is spent on authorities covering up the crisis than on the monsters themselves. And when the C.H.U.D. do show up the makeup is cheesy. But it’s a great idea, given all the urban legends involving the labyrinthine tunnels, and with good monsters, a remake could be really frightening.
Heroine finds herself in over her head in “The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.”
“The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” (1962) — A scientist develops a means of keeping body parts alive. He finds a practical application for the breakthrough when his fiancée is decapitated in a car wreck. The lovesick scientist rushes her head to his laboratory, where he manages to keep it alive — and quite talkative — in a liquid-filled tray. Now all he needs is an attractive new body to attach to his sweetheart’s head. As the unhinged doc cruises bars for a suitable specimen, his fiancée goes a bit batty herself, communicating telepathically with a hideous experiment-gone-wrong locked in the laboratory cell. It’s all pretty crazy. So crazy it just might work, as a gory black comedy along the lines of “Re-animator.” (Imagine acid-tongued comedian Sarah Silverman as the nagging head).
Terror swoops from above in “The Vulture.”
“The Vulture” (1967) — I remember being scared out of my wits by this film about a half-man, half-vulture creature terrorizing people in a Cornish village. The townsfolk fear it is the vengeful incarnation of a sailor their ancestors buried alive with his pet vulture. However, I was 8 years old at the time. In retrospect, the special effects were awful and the “scientific” explanation revealed at the end is absurd. Still, vulture claws are among God’s scariest creations and, with a decent script and effects, you could scare the bejesus out of an audience.
MATHILDA MAY is a psychic vampire from outerspace in “Lifeforce.”
“LIFEFORCE” (1985) — While scouting Haley’s Comet, astronauts find a spaceship that contains the bodies of three human-like aliens in suspended animation. They bring the specimens aboard their ship for scientific study, but the specimens turn out to be vampires that drain psychic energy rather than blood from their victims. They overcome the spacemen and escape to Earth, where they unleash a vampire plague in London. Unfortunately, the movie is slow-paced and unexciting. And Steve Railsback — straight off a riveting performance as Charles Manson in “Helter Skelter” — is surprisingly bland as the surviving astronaut racing to stop the epidemic. I’d like to see a version of the space-vampire flick that doesn’t suck.
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
Of course, sometimes creative folks get it right the first time. The author of this article wrote the sexy and scary novel Hour of the Beast.
Obama poses 6 terrifyng threats to America — or does he?
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — U.S. President Barack Obama is evil in a half dozen ways that menace America – but miraculously, the six threats cancel each other out!
“Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, a Kenyan, a member of the Illuminati, the Antichrist and a leader of the Trilateral Commission,” declares author Jonathan R. Bernyard, one of the nation’s leading experts on Obama conspiracies. “Any single one of these would make him a danger to our freedom.
“However, the forms of evil are in pairs that operate against each other. It’s like that 19th century case of the British traveler in the Carpathian Mountains who was bitten by a vampire, a werewolf, a zombie and a mummy in the course of a week. Put together, the venoms canceled each other out and he was fine.
“That story may be aprocryphal, but the principle is absolutely certain. As every schoolboy learns in science class, when equally balanced forces act on an object from opposite directions, it doesn’t move. For the very same reason, President Obama cannot harm America.”
Bernyard lays out his unorthodox theory in an upcoming book, The Obama Factor. Here’s a quick break down:
FIERCE African warriors believe in survival of the fittest.
* Obama is a native of Kenya who spent his formative years in a savage, winner-take-all culture.
“The Masai are fierce warriors who from infancy are taught that only the strong survive. The weak who are unable to fend for themselves must be allowed to perish,” Bernyard explains. “That Kenyan mentality makes Obama instinctively inclined to shred our country’s social safety net with a spear, leaving millions of poor Americans to literally starve. It’s social Darwinism at its worst.
“But remember, Obama attended one of our liberal colleges, where he was indoctrinated in radical socialism. He believes in his heart in the redistribution of wealth. That cancels out the harsh individualistic streak in his blood.”
DON’T be deceived. This Jesus lookalike in a painting by Luca Signorelli is the Antichrist
* Many top Bible scholars warn that the President is the Antichrist, the evil tyrant whose rise to power is foretold in the Bible’s book of Revelation.
“Belief in the Antichrist is a central doctrine of Christianity,” Bernyard observes. “The Beast, as this sinister figure is also known, must of course believe wholeheartedly in the prophecy and that his purpose here on earth is to fulfill it.
“However, as is well-documented, Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim and the Islamic worldview was drummed into him at an early age in a madrassa in Indonesia. That worldview simply does not allow for the existence of the Antichrist. Obama will thus reject his Satan-given role as the embodiment of evil because his Moslem upbringing does not allow him to accept the existence of Lucifer.”
This symbol of capitalism and of the Illumanti bent on destroying it can be found on the back of the $1 bill.
* Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a sinister secret society that dates back to the 18th century.
“The goal of the Illuminati is to sweep aside everything we hold dear and usher in a new world order,” the expert declares. “They are credited with having sparked the French Revolution in which aristocrats were hunted down and executed. They want to erase all traditional centers of power. As far back as the 1700s, they were caught in a plot to assassinate all the kings of Europe as well as the Pope, a plot that nearly succeeded.
“Yet it has also been proven that Obama is a card-carrying member of the Trilateral Commission, like presidents George Herbert Walker Bush and Jimmy Carter before him. The Trilateral Commission is dedicated to centralizing power among a small elite of establishment figures – presidents, royalty, heads of prominent corporations. This completely counterbalances Obama’s involvement with the Illuminati.”
If Bernyard’s analysis is correct, it means that President Obama offers no direct threat to the people of the United States. The author insists that the earnest efforts of patriots like Donald Trump, who has called for revolution in the wake of Barack’s re-election, and others petitioning to secede from America or boycott the Electoral College, should be put on hold.
“These conflicting forces render Obama helpless to harm America,” he says. “Ironically, he may thus turn out to be one of the best presidents we’ve ever had.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article penned the critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Hear Chapter One read for free by clicking HERE then choosing Audio Clip.
BUTT-KICKING vampire slayer Rayne carves up Nazi bloodsuckers.
By C. Michael Forsyth
How could I resist watching “BloodRayne: The Third Reich” when it popped up on Netflix? A sword-slinging Vampirella battling Nazis; steamy lesbian sex and Opie Taylor’s kid brother as a kooky Dr. Mengele-type makes for a C movie well worth a 3:00 a.m. viewing when you’re in the grip of insomnia.
Rayne, like Blade, is a dhampir – the offspring of a woman who was bitten by a vampire while pregnant. She has all the abilities of vampires, such as superhuman strength and speed, but none of their vulnerabilities. She’s immune to holy water, garlic, crucifixes, the insatiable thirst for human blood — and, most importantly, the “day walker” isn’t harmed by sunlight. She’s driven by a mission to wipe out the scourge of vampirism one bloodsucker at a time.
As this movie begins, however, the curvaceous heroine’s primary antagonists aren’t vampires. Instead she’s kicking the butts of Hitler’s stormtroopers in occupied Romania. Rayne is far from the first superhero to mix it up with the Nazis. Captain America and Superman duked it out with them decades ago. But it is novel to see a busty, fanged Xena-type taking on German soldiers with twin samurai swords. And Nazis are still the best villains of all time.
Rayne and her allies in the Resistance are put on the defensive after she inadvertently bites a German commandant. He inherits most of her unique traits and Rayne is horrified by having sired a vampire for the first time. She vows to put him down before he delivers to Adolf Hitler the power to spawn an invincible army.
STAR Natassia Malthe brings two big things to the role of Rayne.
The story is well written and although the low budget is clearly evident, the production values are good enough that you accept the time period and setting. The movie’s biggest flaw is the star Nastassia Malthe. The actress brings to role a pair of magnificent breasts and… well, that’s it. Her wooden performance is as awkward as an eighth grader auditioning for a school play. Making things even worse, she’s hampered by a ridiculous costume: an aviator-type leather hat with earflaps that looks like it belongs on a Peanuts character. Malthe takes over the part of Rayne from Kristina Loken, who appeared in the first two films in the series and presumably was more convincing.
SCIENCE PROJECT: Dr. Mangler (get it?) delights in experimenting on vampires.
On the plus side, you have former child actor Clint Howard as a Nazi doctor who conducts gruesome experiments on vampires. Ron Howard’s younger brother starred in the 1967-1969 TV show “Gentle Ben,” but he’s never had quite the squeaky clean, all-American looks and persona of Andy Griffith’s screen son. Here, he puts his rat-like teeth and raspy voice to good use in creating a very creepy and entertaining character.
Zeig HELL! Nazi Commandant Brand (Michael Mare) is consumed by bloodlust.
Michael Pare does not fare as well as Commandant Brand. I’ve always liked this actor, who appeared in “The Philadelphia Experiment,” and wonder why he wasn’t able to parlay his exceptional good looks and talent into a berth on the A-list. Here, however, he delivers a fairly bland performance. He acts pretty much the same before and after his conversion. Pare’s Brooklyn accent doesn’t help.
RAYNE takes out time from vamire slaying to enjoy a steamy massage.
In the movie, we’re supposed to accept that the actors playing Germans and Romanians are speaking in their native languages, although we hear them speaking English with American accents. I understand the concept and it is totally logical. If we’re hearing characters speak as they sound to each other, why indeed should they have funny accents? The conceit was used in the classic commando flick “Where Eagles Dare” with mixed results. You could totally buy that when Richard Burton posing as a Nazi officer spoke in a clipped British accent, he was actually speaking German. When Clint Eastwood talked with an American accent it was harder to suspend disbelief.
The trouble with using this approach in a low-budget movie is that it risks the viewer thinking that the stars can’t act well enough to fake foreign accents.
Despite its flaws, the movie appears to be moving toward a rousing finale as a convoy led by the vampire commandant heads to Berlin to hand over the secret of immortality to Hitler. Unfortunately it ends rather abruptly. Darn! A scene of Rayne going toe to toe with a vampire Fuhrer would have elevated the film into a truly fun guilty pleasure. Instead, I’m afraid I can give it only a two out of five swastika rating.
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…
… actor Henry Hull.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!
In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.
“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.
But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.
“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”
Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.
The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…
…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”
“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”
But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.
“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”
— C. Michael Forsyth
Who could that be under all that hair?
GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A FAIRY? These tiny critters take no prisoners…oh, wait a minute, they do!
By C. Michael Forsyth
I’ve been chafing at the bit for months to see the remake of the memorable 1973 TV movie “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.” The trailer was one of the most compelling I’ve seen for a horror movie in years and it’s the brainchild of Guillermo del Toro, who directed the visually stunning “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “Hellboy.”
The premise is promising. A young, withdrawn girl is sent by her mother to live with her father and his new girlfriend in a 19th century Rhode Island mansion the two are restoring. The child is plagued by tiny, malevolent gremlins that emerge from the ash pit of a fireplace in the basement of the house – ancient creatures that prey on kids and drag them to their hellish underground kingdom.
The massive flaw that renders the movie almost unwatchable is that the entire family, especially surrogate mom Kim (Katie Holmes) are idiots. Look, I know that horror movie characters usually aren’t too swift and one of their traditional bonehead moves is staying in a house long after it’s become obvious that it’s haunted. But “Don’t be Afraid of the Dark” takes that to a ludicrous level.
It’s one thing to stay in a house after a troubled child in your care is traumatized by fear of creatures she claims to have seen in the basement. It’s another to stay after an old workman emerges from the basement with a tool in his neck following a savage attack and warns you from his deathbed to get the girl out of the house! Even after slow-on-the-uptake Kim learns from a librarian that the previous owner painted evil beings just like Sally described and vanished without a trace along with his son, she allows Sally to wander around the mansion on her own.
If there existed a child welfare agency devoted to the paranormal, they’d take the daughter away. (Hopefully in real life, Katie Holmes does a better job of mothering little Suri).
NO SUPERMOM: Dim-witted Kim (Katie Holmes) fails to take common sense steps to protect child.
In the original version, Sally was an adult. One striking scene from the 1973 movie stands out in my memory. The imps are repelled by light and as they drag Sally across the basement floor toward the ash pit, she grabs a Polaroid camera and uses the flash to fend them off. It was a pretty cool move, I thought as a kid. In the remake, when Sally tells Kim about the creatures’ Achilles’ heel, Kim gets a bright idea, smiles, and gives the girl one of the old-fashioned cameras for protection – instead of a freaking flashlight like any normal person would!
Using a Poloroid flashbulb for light isn’t a plan. Using a Poloroid flashbulb for light is what you do what a plan fails, as Fred Ward’s character in “Tremors” would say.
Little Sally, who unleashes the menace when she sneaks into the basement and uses tools to unseal the ash pit, isn’t much brighter. She continues to think the critters might simply want to be her friends even after she’s seen their monstrous, hissing faces up close. More unbelievably, she doesn’t tell Kim or her dad about the pint-sized pests even after they’ve repeatedly terrorized her in her bedroom. Nor does she tell her real mom, whom she’s clearly close to, over the phone. Here’s some advice, kids: When a swarm of small creatures from the bowels of hell try to shred you with a straight razor, tell Mommy or Daddy.
LESS THAN LOVABLE tot Sally (Bailee) gets the ball rolling when she sets the evil creatures free.
On top of not being very bright, our young heroine is far from adorable. Sally (Bailee Madison) is perpetually cold and sullen. When she meets Kim for the first time, she tells her, “My mother said he picked you because you’re young. But you’re not – you’re old!”
The biggest idiot, naturally, is dad Alex, who as is par for the course in horror flicks, pooh poohs his daughter’s fears long after any reasonable person would. Even after his child has run away out of terror, he refuses to leave until he’s held a big dinner party to show off the mansion he hopes to sell. Guy Pearce, as Alex, excels in playing uptight guys, most famously in “L.A. Confidential.” There he brought an intelligence and sincerity to the role that made you root for him. Here he’s just a jerk, like the pompous concierge he played in the comedy “Bedtime Stories.”
The scuttling, rat-like creatures look frightening. But, in the time-honored tradition of mediocre horror movies, we see way too much of them and they quickly cease to be scary. Heck, they’re almost as cute as the mischievous little devils in “Gremlins.” The CGI isn’t very convincing, further weakening their impact.
In an interesting deviation from the original, the creatures are described as fairies – nasty ones that collect children’s teeth. Guillermo del Toro, who wrote but did not direct the film, said in an interview that he got the idea from the books of Welsh writer Arthur Machen, whose works are mentioned in the movie.
“I love his idea that fairy lore comes from a dark place, that it’s derived from little, pre-human creatures who are really, really nasty vermin but are magical in a way, living as they do for hundreds of years,” del Toro said. “His books are what compelled me to do this.”
However, the case that the Tooth Fairy is actually evil was made with greater logic in the Darkness Falls (2003).
The takeaway for film buffs: A terrific trailer does not always mean a terrific movie. Also, if you’re stuck in a horror movie, never, ever go in the basement.
The author of this review penned Hour of the Beast , hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
BURLY Dale (Tyler Labine) and shifty-eyed Tucker (Alan Tudyk) may look like bloodthirsty, banjo-playing backwoods cannibals, but they’re just misunderstood.
By C. Michael Forsyth
“Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil” is one of the best horror comedies ever! It would certainly have made my list of top ten films in the subgenre if it was available on DVD when I made my picks a while back.
In the movie, a car-load of dimwitted college students on a camping trip encounter two guys they fear are killer hillbillies – but are actually harmless good ol’ boys fixing up their summer house. What ensues is a wild comedy of errors with plenty of over-the-top gore.
Although I’m a fan of the “Scary Movie” series, I found it refreshing that this is not an “Airplane”-type spoof like that, but instead a classic screwball comedy. The humor flows from goofy but basically realistic characters responding to a situation that keeps going from bad to worse. The physical gags – often involving the idiotic college kids accidentally killing themselves in gruesome ways – are handled so deftly that however improbable, you buy them.
I like the reversal of stereotypes. Although Tucker and Dale aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, they’re rocket scientists compared to the college kids, who have the survival instincts of barnyard turkeys. There is a sweet love story between one of the coeds and hulking, bearded Dale, played with charm by Tyler Labine.
The heart of the movie is the friendship between backwoods buddies Dale and Tucker (Alan Tudyk). The actors’ timing and chemistry makes them a great screen duo. I’d love to see a series of Tucker and Dale pictures, like the old Abbot and Costello comedies — perhaps battling vampires, zombies or other things that go bump in the night.
NUBILE coed Allison (Katrina Bowden) picks a bad time to go skinnydipping.
The author of this review penned Hour of the Beast , hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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