Archive for the ‘news parody’ Tag
NEVER put on these panties — no matter what, authorities warn.
By C. Michael Forsyth
EDISON, N.J. — The notorious Panties of Peril, widely considered the world’s most dangerous paranormal object, have been stolen from a heavily guarded titanium vault – and authorities fear that whoever ripped off the undies is in mortal peril!
“Four women who wore this undergarment suffered cruel and bizarre deaths,” warned Dr. Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research. “Second only to plutonium, we consider the Panties of Peril to be, pound for pound, the most harmful material on Earth to human life. We’re pleading with whoever took them to return them at once – before he or she suffers a similar fate.”
Investigators say the panties were stored in a 16” by 18” safe within a second 3’ by 5′ safe, 140 feet below the surface in the sub-sub basement of the famous institute. The culprits dug a tunnel beneath the safe and drilled into it from below. Police are unsure of the motives of the thief or thieves.
“It could be a collector of rare occult objects,” said Det. John Relters of the State Special Investigations Bureau. “It might be a deviant with an underwear fetish or even simply college pranksters bent on pulling off ‘the ultimate panty raid.’ But whoever is in possession of those panties is playing with fire. From what we’ve been told, even someone who horses around with the underwear on his head could die within minutes.”
The strange tale of the dreaded drawers first came to light in April, 2010 as reported here later that year. College coed Amber Walyde, 19, was electrocuted by her blow dryer soon after purchasing the innocuous-looking, pink cotton panties. Her death was quickly followed by that of her roommate, killed in a freak Segway accident, and then her kid sister Raven, who suffered an allergic reaction to a bee sting while dancing around in the panties she’d inherited. After the first victim’s Aunt Sandy was decapitated by a falling ceiling fan, the panties were turned over to the institute for safe keeping.
“The supernatural mechanism at work remains unclear,” revealed Dr. Greavesby. “We have traced the garment back to a factory in Manila, which is ground zero for a little-understood form of witchcraft known as kulam. One theory is that a disgruntled factory worker placed a curse upon the panties. Or it’s possible they are possessed by the vengeful spirit of an employee who died in a building collapse that year.”
Any contact with human skin is dangerous, experts say. The panties can be handled safely only with lead-lined gloves. A research assistant donned the underwear for two minutes in what Dr. Greavesby now acknowledges was a very risky experiment. The heart monitor used to make sure she was all right short-circuited, delivering an electrical shock that put her into cardiac arrest.
“Miraculously we were able to enter the hermitically sealed chamber and remove the panties in time to resuscitate her,” the expert divulged.
Now cops are hoping against hope that the thief they’ve dubbed the Panties of Peril Pervert will recognize how foolhardy his actions were and turn in the lethal lingerie. The Institute has offered a $100,000 reward for the safe return of the Panties of Peril.
“All we want is the underwear back – no questions asked,” the researcher said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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This article was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out by clicking HERE !
WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.
“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.
Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.
OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.
“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”
According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.
FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.
The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.
“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”
Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.
Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”
The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LOS ANGELES — For more than 20 years, life coach Denise Castleberry has been dispensing advice – and in scores of cases it has led to tragedy, failure and catastrophe.
Among the worst disasters, she advised:
• O.J. Simpson to “stop holding your anger in.”
• John F. Kennedy Jr. to “get an adventurous hobby.”
• Whitney Houston to “find a new way to relax.”
• Lance Armstrong to “stop at nothing to win.”
• New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to “Loosen up when it comes to sex.”
Despite her nickname in the advice industry as the World’s Worst Life Coach, Castleberry, who launched her business in 1987, insists she knows what she’s doing.
“Everyone – especially envious colleagues in the field – likes to talk about cases that didn’t turn out perfectly,” she said in a recent interview. “No one talks about the thousands of stars, politicians and CEOs who owe their success to me.”
TAXES, what taxes? Wesley Snipes should have thought twice about advice to “not fixate” on financial details.
LEARNING to fly introduced adventure to the handsome son of President Kennedy.
O.J. SIMPSON learned to let his anger out.
WIN at all costs approach doomed bicyclist Lance Armstrong
DISGRACED N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned after prostitute scandal.
Indeed, Castleberry’s more than 200 clients in the entertainment and corporate world swear by her.
“I call Denise at least once a week,” said a music industry executive who requested anonymity. “Her practical suggestions have taken my career to a new level and vastly improved my outlook on life. I can’t imagine where I would be without her.”
While the coach’s current client list is confidential, among those rumored to be among Castleberry’s clientele are Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Elizabeth Berkeley and Wesley Snipes.
“Yes, some of my clients have gotten in their share of trouble, but imagine what a mess their lives would be in if they hadn’t been receiving help,” she points out.
[
Elizabeth Berkeley’s career tanked after following advice to take role in “Showgirls.”
WINNING formula? Life coach’s advice may not have been done wonders for Charlie.
TROUBLE follows starlet Lindsay Lohan.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the riveting first 13 pages, a woman is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…
… actor Henry Hull.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!
In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.
“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.
But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.
“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”
Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.
The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…
…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”
“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”
But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.
“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”
— C. Michael Forsyth
Who could that be under all that hair?
GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.
HEROIC lady werewolf was motivated by maternal instinct, experts believe — unlike the dangerous creature in this movie scene.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BANSKÁ ŠTIAVNICA, Hungary — A female werewolf is being hailed as a hero after saving two boys trapped in a mine!
Edvard Ferenc and Nikola Szavo, both age 10, were “within hours” of suffocating when the shaggy she-beast led rescuers to the site, local law enforcement authorities confirm.
“People may call this creature a monster, but my family will always be grateful to the wolf woman who saved my beloved little Nikola’s life,” tearful mom Mrs. Maria Szabo told TV reporters. “Whoever she is, I just want to say, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you!’”
The touching drama unfolded on Saturday, February 4, when the two fourth graders were exploring the abandoned silver mine at the foot of the Štiavnica Mountains. Ignoring a warning sign, they wandered down a tunnel and became trapped by a cave-in. Their parents reported the boys missing the next morning. But because the youngsters had claimed they were going fishing in a stream on the other side of town, searchers came nowhere near the old mine.
At about 11:20 p.m., Constable Iszak Hajdu, 46, was manning the front desk of the police station when what he describes as a “ferocious-looking beast walking upright on two legs” and covered head to toe in fur trotted in, foam drooling from its enormous fangs. Following procedure, he hurried to the gun cabinet and retrieved a rifle loaded with silver bullets. A law on the books since 1874 requires every Hungarian police station to maintain a firearm loaded with silver in case of just such an eventuality.
“As I raised the gun, I couldn’t help noticing that the beast had what appeared to be large, pendulous breasts,” he told reporters. “I hesitated to shoot a woman, even in animal form.
“She was whimpering and kept waving her paw as if she wanted me to follow her. I said, ‘What’s the matter, girl? Is someone in trouble?’ ”
Acting on gut instinct, the lawman warily followed the creature, flashlight in hand. It led him four miles through a winding wooded trail to the mountain. There, just feet from the mine entrance, he found a backpack belonging to one of the missing boys. Venturing inside, he saw signs of a recent collapse.
“I heard voices calling faintly from below, ‘Help!’ ” the constable recalled. “When I realized the werewolf had brought me here to save children trapped down in the mine, I was overcome with emotion. I turned to thank her, but she had scampered off into the woods.”
RELIEVED Hungarian rescue crew celebrates after pulling boys safely from mine.
A rescue operation was launched and just six and half hours later Nikola and Edvard were freed from a cavity 30 feet down.
“The boys were in a small air pocket barely five feet across,” revealed rescue coordinator Agoston Kulscar.“If we had found them a day later, they would definitely have suffocated.”
The identity of the werewolf remains unknown and attempts to follow its tracks were unsuccessful. A police investigation turned up several reports of sightings of a “mystery animal” in the vicinity.
Lycanthropy experts says such altruistic behavior on the part of a werewolf is rare, but not unheard of.
“The maternal instinct is one of the most powerful of all emotions and originates in the deepest and most primitive part of the brain,” explains Dr. Larry T. Welkerson, author of Werewolves, Shapeshifters and Theriomorphs. “For a woman to have concern for an endangered child, even when she is in wolf form, is not altogether surprising.”
FAMED TV pooch Lassie isn’t the only canine that helps people in trouble.
Speaking of werewolves, the author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE!
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
YOUNG OBAMA has law books behind him here, but a mug shot may show a police height chart instead, according to a leading critic.
By C. Michael Forsyth
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — An outspoken conservative multi-millionaire is offering a $10 million reward for President Barack Obama’s lost mug shot!
Harlan Prentbody, 74, says he put the enormous bounty on the decades-old arrest photo in the interest of the “public’s right to know.”
“There are a whole bunch of other items I’d like to get my hands on, but Obama’s missing mug shot is the Holy Grail,” the Colorado businessman told reporters. “It’s concrete proof that our so-called ‘commander in chief’ is not as squeaky clean as the mainstream media would have us believe.”
Rumors that such a photo might exist have been circulating on the Internet for years, he claims.
“The sad reality is the vast majority of black men in America have been arrested at one point in their lives. There’s no proof that isn’t true of Obama,” Prentbody points out. “So where’s the mug shot? Did it mysteriously ‘disappear’ from an FBI file drawer? Or did government goons march into some Chicago police station and force ‘Officer O’Reilly’ to hand it over at gunpoint?
“The American people have a right to see that photograph.”
Besides the presidential mug shot, here are a dozen other items the conspiracy theory-loving fat cat is willing to shell out big bucks for:
No. 1) Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate — $5 million. “Trying to prove Barack’s Hawaiian birth certificate is a forgery is getting us nowhere,” explained the businessman, who has devoted a third of his huge fortune to funding various right-wing causes. “Let’s try to solve this case by working from the other end.”
THIS is what Obama's boyhood neighbors REALLY looked like, according to Birthers.
No. 2) The original 666 Social Security Card — $2 million. According to the White House, the President’s social security number is 042-68-4425. But rumor has it the number on his original card was 042-66-6425 — including the digits 666, the number of the Beast. “The Social Security Administration claims it never assigns numbers including that sequence to anyone,” asserts Prentbody. “So the fact that it was somehow issued to Obama would be incontrovertible proof that he’s the Antichrist.”
No. 3) President Obama’s personal Koran — $1 million. “Every president since George Washington has kept a holy book in his night table to consult in a time of great crisis,” according to the controversial businessman. “Obama is no different, except that everyone suspects he takes his spiritual marching orders from the Koran. The book with his name in the ‘property of’ blank, in his own handwriting, is rock-solid proof he’s a Muslim.”
THE KORAN (also spelled Quran) is the holy book of Islam.
No. 4) The Communist Party membership card — $500,000. “Is he now, or has he ever been a member of the Communist Party? No one knows for sure,” says Prentbody. “But an authentic 1983 Communist Party membership card with a photo of ‘Barry,’ afro and all, will prove that the guy really is a Marxist.”
No. 5) Obama’s blonde girlfriend photo — $250,000. “Elitist liberals think of Obama as ‘safe’ because he has this Cosby-type family and his black wife Michelle,” argues the tycoon. “But you can be darned sure in college an ‘uppity’ guy like that used his rap to get into the drawers of at least one all all-American cheerleader he could show off like a trophy to all his homeboys. A picture of Mr. Perfect arm and arm with ‘Brittany’ will expose their golden boy for the phony he is, once and for all.”
UPPITY? A damning picture like this one from the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" could torpedo Obama's image.
No. 6) Surrender letter to Iran – $100,000. “Everyone’s heard the rumors that Obama sent a signed letter of surrender to Tehran giving up in the war before it’s even fought,” says Prentbody. “If our hippie peacenik president is guilty of ‘premature capitulation,’ we need to find out.”
No. 7) The Sarah Palin Voodoo Doll — $80,000. When then Alaska Governor Sarah Palin first emerged on the national stage in 2008, she was hailed as a political superstar who would breathe new life into John McCain’s faltering political campaign. “Within days things started going wrong, she couldn’t seem to think straight and has been ridiculed for mistakes again and again ever since,” the industrialist points out. “Voodoo originates in Africa. Coincidence?”
WELL-PLACED pins in the head of a voodoo doll could easily make the victim talk like a blithering idiot.
No. 8) Osama Bin Laden’s Presidential Pardon — $50,000. The fact that Osama’s death photo was never released has led some to suggest that his death was faked by the White House, with the terror chief’s full cooperation. “Part of the deal could be that Bin Laden is pardoned for his murders in exchange for lying low,” says the business leader.
OSAMA is dead as a doornail -- or is he?
No. 9) Masai Warrior Lion Teeth Necklace – $25,000. The Masai are a tribe of African warriors who live in Kenya, where members of the Birther movement claim President Obama was really born. “The initiation ritual of every Masai boy is to kill a lion with his bare hands,” according to the political crusader. “You bring me Obama’s lion teeth necklace and I’ll show you proof positive that he was not only born in darkest Africa, he was raised in his homeland until at least the age of 13.”
LION FANG necklace could prove Obama's incredible courage -- and that his presidency is illegal.
No. 10) Obama’s “Get Out of Jail Free” Card — $10,000. Constitutional experts are divided as to whether a president can pardon himself – but President Obama could be planning to put the theory to the test. “Smart as the guy thinks he is, Barack Hussein Obama is going to get into a scandal, just like so many presidents before him,” Prentbody claims. “The difference is only he is arrogant enough to try this. He may have already typed up this pardon ‘for any crimes I may commit’, signed and dated it and tucked it away for a rainy day.
“When we impeach him, he can whip out this card and say, ‘Screw you, Mr. Charlie.’ The cocky son of a gun obviously thinks he’s too good to serve his time behind bars with the ‘brothers’ who didn’t go to Harvard. ”
TINY slip of paper could keep Obama from being impeached and sent to jail.
No. 11) The missing mix tape — $5,000. Back in the ’80s, every true soul brother created a mix tape of music to play on his boom box or groove to as his car “bounced along through the hood,” according to the multi-millionaire. “Americans have a right to know what’s on that tape. Is it obscenity-laced gansta rap about killing cops? Or, who knows, maybe it will turn out Obama loved Burt Bacharach tunes? That would certainly take some of the glamour away from this man who’s supposed to be the first ‘black’ president, wouldn’t it? Maybe Obama really isn’t black enough after all.”
FAMED Gangsta rapper Ice Cube put fear into white America.
No. 12) The Prom Video – $1,000. “Lost footage of Obama at his senior dance could speak volumes about who this man truly is,” says Prentbody. “Do we catch him going completely ghetto and freak-dancing with every girl with ‘back,’ regardless of race? Or will the video show that he has no rhythm at all, that the man now sitting in the Oval Office literally has no soul?”
LAME dance moves, like these executed by TV's beloved Steve Urkel could prove Obama is truly not black enough to be president.
Prentbody is quick to point out that forgery is a crime and he doesn’t want to be inundated with a mountain of poorly Photoshopped documents and pictures.
“That would be playing right into the hands of Obama and his cronies,” he said. “It would give the media an excuse to call patriots like us a bunch of rightwing kooks or something.”
C. Michael Forsyth
C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Plans for a major motion picture are now in the works!
To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.
KABOOM! Contrary to what doom-and-gloom crowd has told us, millions of people will survive WW III, experts say.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Good News! World War III will be mankind’s last major military conflict and will be followed by an era of peace and tranquility, world leaders vow.
Meeting recently in Geneva, representatives from 152 nations, including the U.S., China, Russia and Iran, agreed to put the kibosh on warfare forever after the next Big One is over.
“World War I was dubbed the ‘War to End All Wars,’ and so was World War II. But this time we mean it,” declared Jonathan S. Alverham, special U.S. envoy to the international gathering.
“After a third world war, humanity will have had its fill of violence and bloodshed.”
Anoush Rafsanjani, the Iranian envoy, agreed wholeheartedly.
“One more big war involving most of the world’s countries and we’ll all have it out of our systems for good,” he said.
While at the height of the Cold War, it was assumed that World War III would mean nuclear Armageddon and the extinction of the human race, most experts today believe such fears are exaggerated. Experts speaking at the meeting say that it unlikely that the United States and Russia would fire their entire nuclear arsenals at each other, lighting up the globe, and in most current scenarios would actually be allies.
“We estimate that at least one in six people will survive the conflict, leaving a robust population of more than a billion to repopulate the Earth,” British military analyst Rupert Hillcock said at one panel.
“Their leaders will have learned their lesson about the ills of war once and for all and will build a civilization founded on non-violence and harmony.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
A fun book to read in your cozy bomb shelter! The author of this article, C. Michael Forsyth, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel, Hour of the Beast.
Check out Hour of the Beast by visiting Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a measly $5.
LORD Donald Trump will be legally entitled to attend White House affairs.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Move over, Prince Charles. America will soon have an aristocracy of its very own!
Congress is poised to pass the American Achievement Recognition Act, which will allow successful U.S. citizens to purchase ranks such as lord, lady, duke and earl!
“If the bill passes, a wealthy citizen like Bill Gates or Donald Trump could pay $1 billion to become a lord,” explained a Capitol Hill source familiar with the pending legislation.
“Entertainers who truly wish to be known as ‘Hollywood royalty’ now can. Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian would have the opportunity to shell out $100 million for the privilege of being called duchess.”
The act could raise an estimated $500 billion a year, according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office and would help to swiftly erase the national debt. The bill, now making its way through committee, enjoys support from both sides of the aisle.
“The Dems like it because it raises revenue primarily from the richest 1 percent,” revealed the Washington insider. “We conservatives like it because it’s an alternative to new taxes and it rewards achievement, allowing successful Americans to distinguish themselves from the crowd.”
DUCHESS Kim Kardashian will be even more glamorous with an aristocratic title.
Although details of the legislation are still being hammered out, an early draft suggested the following price guide:
Lord = $ 1 billion
Duke = $ 100 million
Marquess = $10 million
Earl = $5 million
Viscount = $1million
Baron = $500,000
Knight =$100,000
BARONESS Paris Hilton, seen here in one of her mug shots, would face a jury of her noble peers next time she's in trouble.
The new law, if carefully worded, can avoid any violation of Article 1, Section 9, of the Constitution, according to legal scholars.
Though the titles are largely honorific, certain perks will come along with each rank. Lords will automatically be granted invitations to important White House ceremonies and parties for foreign dignitaries. Since the U.S. Constitution already mandates that a person can only be judged by a jury of his peers, a noble will have the right to a jury made up of people of equal rank.
“This will be helpful to folks like Paris Hilton, who tend to find themselves in legal hot water from time to time,” the source explains. “Other successful individuals are likely to be more sympathetic.”
Newspapers and other media will be legally required to refer to aristocrats by their titles. Failure to abide by the law will be punished by a stiff fine.
“If a news station errs, it could be penalized by as much as $100,000 by the FCC,” said a high-ranking congressional aide who helped draft the legislation.
WE ARE NOT AMUSED: Prince Charles and other British royals will not be happy to hear that America has its own aristocracy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article has written a spine-tingling new book. C. Michael Forsyth's new horror novel Hour of the Beast is "very diificult to put down," a Reader Favorites reviewer declares.
You can check out Hour of the Beast by visiting Amazon.com, or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle edition is just $7 and an Ebook is a measly $5!
A firm voice and an understanding of animal psychology are key to training a werewolf.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ZURICH — Is your werewolf’s constant misbehavior driving you crazy? Stop pulling your hair out and enroll your wolfman in one of four obedience schools that have cropped up in Switzerland.
At institutions like the Lycanthrope Academy outside Zurich, ill-mannered man-beasts are trained to become docile and obedient.
“Werewolves come here tearing up furniture, chasing postmen and sullenly ignoring commands,” states Juergan Lichtenwalter, director of the school. “They leave here helpful companions that will obey orders instantly and even delight their masters’ guests with a variety of tricks.”
Werewolves are common household pets in Switzerland, Germany and France, and function in a broad range of service roles as well. Some serve as guard dogs, rescue animals, sheep herders, drug sniffers and of course companions to the blind.
When well trained, the loyal and intelligent creatures can be wonderful in all those roles, outshining even German shepherds. But unruly, poorly trained and disobedient werewolves can be a nightmare.
“Before we brought King to the obedience school, he was always leaving poop around the house and no amount of swats on the behind with rolled up newspaper would stop him,” reveals Annalise Landenber, 42. “He wouldn’t quit humping my leg. And once, when I tried to take our milkman’s femur away from him, he snapped at me.
“King wouldn’t even answer to his own name. But after six weeks at the school, he’s like a whole new wolfman. If you say ‘Come,’ he comes. ‘Roll over’ or ‘Beg’ and he rolls over and begs.”
The exclusive Lycanthrope Academy, which opened its doors three years ago, accepts only pedigreed werewolves, while its three imitators train mixed breeds as well.
The owners of the academy refuse to divulge their training methods, calling them a “trade secret.” But the director disputes accusations on an animal rights blog that cattle prods and silver canes are used to cow the creatures into submission.
“Our approach draws upon the latest research in both animal and human psychology,” explains Licthenwalter. “Once you understand that a werewolf has two sides – the canine side that is pack-oriented, intuitive and uninhibited and the human side, which is intelligent and rational — it’s mostly a matter of communicating with them in a gentle but firm manner.
“You have to show them that you love them, but also who’s the boss.”
Ms. Landenber, an administrative assistant and mother of four, couldn’t be happier.
“I’m seriously thinking about entering him in the big contest in Geneva this fall,” she reveals. “I think he could win Best in Show.”
A good candidate for obedience school.
On the Hour of the Beast front, the book launch party for my new horror novel was a smashing success! A good time was had by readers who packed Fiction Addiction in Greenville, SC. You can get the scoop on this bone-chilling werewolf story by clicking HERE.
My book launch party at Fiction Addiction drew readers from all walks of life, from sewing teacher Eileen Bunch to contractor Sam Lewis.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
IF you wind up in Hell, you won’t see scenes like this anymore
By C. Michael Forsyth
SAN FRANCISCO — If you die and go to Hell, don’t expect to see your fellow sinners being tortured in the buff. Lucifer has imposed a new ban on nudity!
That’s the startling revelation of prominent Satanist Jarvis Gretzen, who frequently communicates with demons during black masses.
“In medieval times, through the prudish Victorian era and up into the conservative 1950s, forced nudity was a highly effective form of punishment,” explains Gretzen, archbishop of the 12,000-member First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light.
“But over the last few decades, mores have changed a lot. People are much less uptight about nakedness. Today, most people associate nudity with those clothing-optional beach resorts. It got to the point where people were sauntering around nonchalantly in the altogether as if they were in some kind of ’70s swingers club.
“Add to that, nowadays many female sinners are well-endowed strippers and prostitutes, so to a lot guys, the nudity thing has been kind of a ‘perk.’ And of course, that’s not to mention the simple fact that without clothing, the hot conditions in Hell are much more tolerable.
“Finally, we hear, the Master got fed up and ordered the change.”
Folks who’ve visited the netherworld during near-death experiences in the past few weeks have seen firsthand evidence of the new dress code.
“When I got there, I expected everyone to be naked as jaybirds, like in all those old religious paintings,” said Detroit loan shark Bob Fantolini, who suffered a heart attack and was clinically dead for six minutes before being revived by miracle docs on February 15. “Instead, most of the men and women were decked out in these drab, gray, factory-type uniforms.
“The white-collar sinners — you know, like embezzlers and credit-card executives who charged unfairly high rates — were all wearing business suits and ties. One poor schmoe asked a demon if he could loosen his collar on account of the heat and he got smacked in the face.”
The scene is a far cry from the one described in 1985 by reformed drug-dealer Tom Houldenbrook, author of the best-selling To Hell and Back: How My Amazing New-Death Experience Brought Me Back to Jesus.
“Everywhere you looked there were naked men and women sweating and writhing around in torment,” he wrote. “I felt like I was at one of those S & M sex clubs. At one point, I saw this blonde X-rated movie star who I recognized, equipped with 38-DD headlights, being bent over a stone table, chained down and whipped by a big, hunky demon. At first it was scary but after a few minutes I found myself standing at full attention.”
Miami con artist Maggie Wiltsby, 31, drowned in 2008 and was revived by lifeguards eight minutes later. She, too, received an eyeful during her incredible journey to the other side.
“There were damned people being tortured all around me, but it was hard for me to pay attention with all these pimps, porn actors and macho biker-gang types strutting around, swinging their you-know-whats,” she recalls. “It made me blush like a schoolgirl.
“It felt a little strange being in my birthday suit, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable about my body. No one else seemed to be hung up on the nudity, so I was like, ‘Well, when in Rome , do as the Romans do.’ I stopped folding my arms in front of my chest and let it all hang out.”
Surprisingly, Catholic Church officials applaud Hell’s change in dress policy — a rare tip of the hat to the dark side.
“The last thing you want is people thinking maybe Hell ‘isn’t so bad’ or men having an attitude of ‘At least I’ll see some hot, naked babes while I’m there,’ ” explained Los Angeles theologian Marco Giamatini, who has close ties to the Vatican.
“This step should help put the fear of God back in people and keep them on the path of righteousness.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth, All rights reserved.
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